[014], aera and apologies

      AERA lay on the floor of the apartment Soobin shares with Yeonjun. It was Aera's first time over here, and her first time actually holding a conversation with Soobin who she had only greeted in passing. Aera had seen Taehyun and Kai in MOA cafe annoying a working Yeonjun, and Aera and Yena joined in on the teasing, then the two girls were invited over for a study session, considering both girls shared a couple of classes with both Taehyun and Kai. And, that's how Aera ended up laying on the floor, playing snap against Soobin with a tense, heavy, and competitive atmosphere surrounding them.

      Yena's head rested on the small of Aera's back, a book on her face as she attempts to fall asleep and ignore Beomgyu and Yeonjun's bickering over something stupid — like whose essay was better; Beomgyu, who is still in college, or Yeonjun who graduated last year and gave Beomgyu his essay as an example.

       Kai was commentating the snap game in a ridiculous voice, and Taehyun was trying to outdo Kai's commentating with his own — it was a very lively and loud late afternoon in Soobin's and Yeonjun's apartment, and Aera can't help but feel a sense of deja vu.

       But, as quickly as Aera feels the deja vu creep up on her, she brushes it off. She doesn't need to think about the seven boys she misses so dearly, her heart might combust into a thousand broken pieces that can never be replaced.

       "SNAP!" Aera shouts loudly, slapping her hands onto the pile of cards.

      Soobin sulks and grips his remaining ten cards tightly. "I'm not going to lose to you, Aera."

       "Prove it then, Soobinnie," Aera says, tilting her head to the side with a teasing smile on her face.

       "It'll be sexist if you beat Aera, Soobin," Yena speaks up, removing the book off of her face, "you're taking that Gender Studies class, and for what? To continue to be more sexist?"

      Soobin scowls and flings an eraser from Kai's pencil case in Yena's direction. It flies over the girl's head and hits Beomgyu in the head. Beomgyu quietens down from his argument with Yeonjun and turns around, "who threw that?"

      "Kai," Soobin responds and places down a card.

      "What? No! It wasn't me —" Kai tries to defend himself, but Beomgyu still tackles him to the ground.

      "SNAP!" Soobin shouts, stealing fifteen cards from beneath Aera's nose.

      "Sexist!"

      "Shut up, Yena. Place a card down, Aera, I want to win before I have to take a shit!"

      Aera frowns, "you actually poop?"

      "Yes?"

      "You look like someone who doesn't poop."

      Soobin looks over at Taehyun, who shrugs. "How am I supposed to respond to that?"

      Aera doesn't say anything and places down a card. The snap game begins up again as Taehyun takes over Kai's commenting job since he's being murdered by Beomgyu, with Yeonjun watching. (Kai is thinking of getting new friends. One of his friends is trying to murder him and the rest are either watching or simply ignoring the murder attempts. Kai hopes he'll be around to watch when they die. Not because he's a psychopath or anything, he just wants to give them a taste of their own medicine.)

      "SNAP!" Aera shouts gleefully, watching as Soobin places down his last card that matches Aera's card. Soobin falls backward and groans, kicking his feet in the air, and Aera laughs loudly, along with Yena and Taehyun who take amusement in Soobin's sulking.

      "Men ain't shit!" Aera cries out, fist-pumping the air and fanning herself with the entire card deck.

      Soobin sits upright and pouts, "let's go again. I'll win this time."

      Aera shrugs and begins to deal out the cards, "alright, whatever you say, Soobin."

       A nice atmosphere overtakes the apartment, with Beomgyu giving up on trying to murder Kai and going back to Yeonjun to form an alliance with the older. Yena resumes her attempt at taking a nap, Aera and Soobin continue to compete against each other in Snap, and Taehyun and Kai still try to outdo each other in commentating.

       But of course, Kai had to ruin the atmosphere. Kai is either an angel or the devil, there is really no in-between. You get one or the other. "So, are you ever going to apologize?" Kai asks, over Soobin's loud cheers for winning his second consecutive snap game.

      "What do you mean, Kai?" Aera asks, watching Taehyun shuffle the deck for her and Soobin.

      "Apologize to. ." Kai trails off and shrugs.

      Aera gets the gist. "No."

      Things grow a little quieter after Aera's response. "I mean, I'll never apologize for slapping Grace, but we probably shouldn't have fought the bitch in Jay's apartment, so that will probably be the only thing I'll apologize for," Aera explains, "and I'll never apologize for being in the wrong. I was clearly right."

      "They're going to have to man up and take the first step," Yena speaks up, "because we're more hurt. Sunghoon and Jay practically chose Grace over us. I don't know where the other four stand, but I'm pretty sure Heeseung would've sided with Grace." Yena shivers, "I hate saying her name."

      "Well, if they apologize, what would you do?" Kai asks.

       "Play civil," Aera responds, "to the best of our ability."

      Kai hums. "That's good."

      "I should probably apologize for saying I'd laugh and agree to Sunghoon being compared to Heeseung," Aera admits softly.

      "Aera!" Kai exclaims, gobsmacked.

       "What? I was hurt and said some awful things to Sunghoon. Sure, I regret them, but that night I just felt betrayed. I never really had the best relationship with Sunghoon, he was an asshole to me and had a stick far up his ass — he insulted me when he found out my brother was Seokjin and refused to apologize, but I let it slide when I spent more time with him and really began to know him as a person, and I guess we developed a civil relationship, it was nice, and I found myself enjoying his company. I thought we were becoming good friends — and then boom. He sides with Grace over us."

       The silence is a bit too loud for Aera. She picks at the carpet beneath her. "I miss them, but my pride is way too massive. I'm not going to apologize for a friendship I didn't break."

      "Didn't break?"

      "Okay, maybe I did actively participate, but in my mind, our friendship was over the moment they alluded to believing Grace over Yena. But, that's the difference I guess. If it were Sunghoon fighting Grace, I would've believed whatever he said because that's how friendships work. You believe your friends over a stranger."

      "We got hurt that night," Yena pipes up, her voice fragile — it has been ever since that night, "and it hurts whenever someone tells us to apologize. Why do we have to apologize when we were the ones who got hurt first? They were attacking us, and we were just defending ourselves, and sure, Aera said some pretty ugly things, but so did they — and that shouldn't justify it, but at this point, it does."

        "That sounds. . Surprisingly logical," Kai says softly, "you shouldn't have to apologize for defending yourselves, even if your words were rude."

       "If we apologize to them first, we're pretty much justifying that what they said and did was right, even if we don't outright say it," Aera says, "sometimes, people just apologize to push things under the rug, but in doing so, it allows the other person to continue on doing what they did to cause that apology."

      "Exactly," Yena agrees. "If they don't apologize, then our friendship never really meant anything to them."

      "And. . That hurts," Aera admits softly, still picking at the carpet, "more than anything." 

      "Well, if it makes you feel any better," Beomgyu speaks up, "I'm on your side."

      Yena gapes at Beomgyu, "but you're the closest to Heeseung out of anyone here, why would you say that?"

      "I take total offense to that statement," Soobin says bitterly, "I'm closer to Heeseung."

      "No," Taehyun butting in, "it's me. I'm closer to Heeseung."

      "No, I think it's Yena," Aera speaks up, smirking, "she's had sex with him. Have any of you?"

      Yena whacks Aera and the boys make disgusted noises. Aera giggles loudly and loudly shouts "SNAP!" stealing the large pile of cards from Soobin, who loses once again. Yeah, maybe Aera could get used to this if Sunghoon (and the others) never apologize. 

◾◾◾◾

Aera and Yena found themselves in the library once more. College was really kicking their asses — especially with all the essays due on Saturday. Aera had two essays due then. Yena had one essay due on Saturday, but a stupid quiz worth 45% of her grade also falls on that same day.

      Both girls could feel the pressure building gently upon their shoulders. Any wrong move, or any wrong word from anyone, or themselves, could end terribly. So, silence holds what would be a lively table, full of Yena and Aera's bickering.

      Aera frowns as she types a sentence, then backspaces in, and types another sentence — but that sentence is just as worse as the previous one. It's a never-ending cycle of Aera thinking whatever she's writing isn't good enough. Turning to Yena, she finds the girl slumped over the table, her face buried in another book.

      Aera rubs Yena's head and takes out her headphones, stretching her arms above her head and yawning. Aera needs some kind of distraction, to get her out of whatever pool of self-deprecation she had fallen into.

      "Oh!" Yena perks up, "I've been meaning to tell you this. I think there's something going on between Jake and Nicole."

       Aera doesn't know why her heart drops into her stomach, adding fuel to the already wildly burning flames eating away any kind of emotion she felt towards Jake. "Really?"

        Yena nods her head, looking oddly solemn. "If you want me to, I can find a way to make them hate each other."

      Aera forces a grin, "it's fine, Yena."

       The silence returns, and this time Aera's nothing thinking about the essay she is to write. She's thinking about Jake. And Nicole. And how much she misses Jake, even though she will never admit it. And maybe is missing the other six boys alongside Jake. Yes, Sunghoon included, because even though they were assholes to each other at the start, Aera likes to believe they pushed past their hate for each other, and eventually found a mutual understanding within all their bickering.

      Putting back in her headphones, Aera hopes to drown out all her thoughts with music. Silence overtakes the table, and Yena resumes her nap, allowing Aera's fingers pressing down on the keys of her MacBook to soothe the girl back to sleep.

      Aera was reading one of the many reading's her professor for her Sociology class had assigned. It was long and there were lots of academic words jumping out of Aera, but she paid no attention to them because her mind was still wrapped up in Jake, even an hour later, even as classical music plays loudly through her headphones.

      Arms slip around Aera's shoulders and a chin rests on the top of her head. Aera's heart quickens its pace and she takes out her headphones. "Uh, hello?"

      "Aera!" Riki sings out, throwing himself into the seat beside Aera. Yena slowly, and wearily blinks herself away, her eyes catching sight of Riki who grins at the girls brightly. Then, she turns to look over her shoulder, because where Riki is, Sunoo and Jungwon are.

      Only, she doesn't just find Sunoo and Jungwon walking towards their silent table. Sunghoon, Jay, Jake, and Heeseung were there. "Aera," Yena hisses, scooting her chair closer, "they're all here." At that, Aera stiffens and gives Riki a threatening look, to which the younger boy chuckles awkwardly and scratches the back of his neck.

      "I brought them here, but you can leave if you want."

      "Do they even want to apologize? Or are you making them apologize?" Aera spits out harshly.

      "They want to apologize," Riki assures, "but it's their pride that's getting in the way. We all miss you two, even Sunghoon who has been picking fights with all of us over stupid things he would fight with you about." Riki grins at Aera who rolls her eyes, but her heart jumps at hearing how Sunghoon misses her in the same way.

      So, there all nine of them were. Back together again.

      No one speaks for a long time.

      "Why are you here?" Yena asks, finally breaking the tense silence.

      Sunghoon shifts on his seat and Jay sighs, dragging a hand through his hair. Nothing more is said and Aera grows increasingly agitated. Why weren't they saying anything? Didn't Riki say they wanted to apologize? So why weren't they? If you truly missed someone, or wanted someone back in your life, wouldn't you push your pride and ego to the side just to apologize? Aera would. Yena would. But why wouldn't Sunghoon?

      "We're —" Jay cuts himself off and throws Sunghoon a look, "I'm sorry."

      Sunghoon looks at Jay, scandalized, but Jay ignores him and presses forward. Aera softens slightly — she can always depend on Jay for many things, and she guesses pushing his pride aside and apologizing is one. "It was rude of me to believe Grace over Yena, who is my friend, and I was quite out of line with some of the things I said that night, but I still don't appreciate a fight happening in my apartment."

      Aera allows herself to smile slightly.

      "We're sorry too, Jay," Yena says, gesturing to herself and Aera, "the fight shouldn't have happened in your apartment, I should've tugged Grace out of the apartment complex by her hair and then fought her outside, rather than in your apartment. It was stupid of me."

      "You're forgiven," Jay grins, looking more relaxed than he had been moments ago.

      "We forgive you too," Aera says, still wearing the slight smile on her face.

      "I'm sorry too," Jake says, and for the first time in a while, Aera actually looks at Jake. Her breath catches and her heart pounds like it's on its last few breaths. It's hard to look at Jake and act like everything is okay. It's hard to look at Jake and not want to kiss him and. . . Be wrapped up in his warm embrace.

      Aera scolds herself for thinking like this. They were being apologized to, for God's Sake! "You didn't do anything wrong, Jake," Aera tells the boy gently, "we just cut you off by association."

      "I know, but I still feel like I should've done something — like maybe I should've defended you both against my idiotic friends. Seriously, I'm sorry for just standing back and being a bystander." Jake's words were too sincere for Aera and she has to fight back the tears burning her eyes.

      Aera didn't realize how much she missed the seven boys until they were all sitting right in front of her.

      "In that case," Jungwon speaks up, "the three of us are sorry too." Sunoo and Riki nod their head, looking grave and apologetic. Aera and Yena both share their special, reserved smiles, for the boys with them. Aera and Yena were never mad at the three of them. They just cut them off because of association. 

      "I'm sorry, Yena," Heeseung speaks up, and Aera notices how Heeseung's hair still looks grins beneath the library lights. His eyes hold words only reserved for Yena, and Aera grabs Yena's hand beneath the table, allowing the girl to squeeze the life out of Aera's poor hand. "For everything." There are so many unspoken words swimming through the air. Aera can see Yena's eyes shine with unshed tears, the same as Aera's own.

      "We should talk," Yena says gently, with too much fragileness Aera's heart cracks. "Soon."

      "Yeah," Heeseung agrees, "we should."

      Yena glances up and meets Heeseung's eyes. They shine brightly beneath the library lights, and she smiles softly. Heeseung returns the smile, his eyes holding the galaxy for Yena to disappear into.

      Sunghoon clears his throat and the tense atmosphere returns again. Yena and Aera still grip onto each other's hand tightly. Sunghoon shifts on his chair again and reaches out for one of Aera's highlighters, playing with it to distract him from having to push his pride aside and deal with the elephant in the room.

      Aera waits with bated breath.

      "I should apologize for a lot of things, so it seems," Sunghoon begins, his voice scratching his throat.

      Aera nods her head, and waits. Aera's sure she knows Sunghoon well to know it's going to take a while for Sunghoon to be able to say what he wants to say, and Aera's okay with that. She'll be patient when it comes to someone like Sunghoon, even if all they do is bicker.

      Sunghoon looks up from Aera's pink highlighter. "Aera," Sunghoon says, his brow furrowed, determination molding across his face. "I'm sorry. For everything. For assuming things, for basically insinuating you weren't smart or anything like your brother, when you're better than your brother if I'm being honest."

      Aera nods her head, and continues to patiently wait.

      "I'm not the best with words, so I don't think I'll be able to accurately describe how sorry I am, but just know, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for choosing Grace over you, Yena, one of my friends. I'm sorry for letting that night explode into something bigger than it should've. I'm sorry," Sunghoon says, desperation sinking into every word. "I'm sorry for everything I said that night. It wasn't my place to say anything, I shouldn't tell you, Yena, how to respond to being insulted like that, and I'm sorry I made you feel hurt."

      Yena's smile was soft, yet still guarded. "I usually hold grudges against someone until the day they die," her voice was soft, "but you're lucky, Sunghoon," Yena looks over at Aera in support. Aera squeezes Yena's hand and nods slightly. "I missed you a lot, even if you did insult me in a way I didn't expect my own friend to."

      "I'm so sorry," Aera hears Sunghoon's voice break up and her eyes flicker over to the boy, to find more unshed tears hiding in his eyes. It only furthers the burn in Aera's own eyes. "If I could, I would go back to that night and take back everything said — in fact, I'd even let you beat Grace up into a pulp."

      "I forgive you, Sunghoon," Yena tells him, a warm smile on her face.

      Sunghoon's eyes flick over to Aera. "Area, from the bottom of my ugly heart, I'm sorry for everything."

      Aera grins, "you're lucky I missed your pathetic, and very stupid ass, because I forgive you too. And I'm sorry, as well, for saying I wouldn't slap someone in your honor ever again. I lied. I would still slap someone for you if you ask me to."

      A loud sob breaks the silence and everyone turns to Sunoo who sits in the seat beside Riki, who is taken aback by Sunoo's loud sobs. "You're all so annoying and stupid and I hate you all for putting us through this angst."

       Aera laughs along with the rest of the group, but she can feel a stray tear sliding down her face. "I missed you guys a lot," Aera admits, wiping away the tears that seem to continuously fall, even as Aera cusses out her head and her heart for making her cry.

      "We missed you too," Jay says, "some more than others." He gives Sunghoon a pointed look and the boy rubs furiously at his eyes.

        "Stop crying," Sunghoon mumbles, "it's going to make me cry."

       "No." And Aera forces herself to cry some more.

      Some things never change, after all.