[016], yena's interlude

YENA remembers when she first met Lee Heeseung. It was a couple of years ago when Yena was still a senior in high school and she was attending her first college party since Aera had a boyfriend who was a freshman in college. The party was unlike any high school party, it was more. . Mature, in a sense. Yena did her best to dress more conservatively considering she was still a minor, while Aera didn't since Aera was already eighteen.

      Yena stuck to Aera's side throughout the party, even if it meant having to put up with Aera and her boyfriend making out. But, thankfully, Aera and her boyfriend had a fight at some point during the night, so for a couple of hours Yena had Aera to herself — before Aera and her boyfriend made up again and entered a bedroom. (Yena didn't follow).

      Yena met Heeseung in the kitchen of the party, he was cleaning up the drink he spilled on the counter and Yena stood behind him awkwardly, waiting her turn to fill her cup up with some strange tasting fruit punch.

      When Yena truly saw Lee Heeseung for the first time, Yena felt a punch to her gut. She felt winded. Heeseung was like a Greek sculpture; neat brown — almost auburn — hair, cute, round doe-eyes, and pretty pink, cupid-bow lips. God really took his time with Heeseung.

      "Sorry," Heeseung said, and smiled sheepishly. Yena felt herself fall in love.

      Of course, it was fleeting, like anything else in Kang Yena's life.

       "Who's that?" Yena asks, later in the night when she spots Heeseung across the room. Aera pulls herself away from her boyfriend, her mouth a deep red from too much kissing. Aera follows Yena's finger and shrugs, then turns to her boyfriend.

      "Who's that?"

       "Lee Heeseung. Why?"

      Aera answers with her mouth, and they go back to kissing. Yena simply allows the name to simmer in her mind for the rest of the night before it's dumped out the following when some guy comes up to Yena at school the next day and asks her out. (It doesn't end well. Yena sits in bed crying with Aera who hands her more tissues and curses out the boy who broke Yena's heart).

      A year passes and Yena's changed. She's no longer a naive high school senior, instead, she's a knowledgeable college freshman whose done it all. Over the summer, Yena changed. She lost her innocent, naive look, she grew up and realized the cold truth; anybody who entered your life, left a few days later. Nobody was forever. Kim Aera was the exception to that, though.

      Yena saw Heeseung again at her first college party that was hosted by the infamous Choi Yeonjun, who was in his last year. Heeseung had also changed, he too, had lost his innocent look. His hair was black and it wasn't neat like the first time Yena saw him, it was messy like he'd just made out with some girl. (Which was probably true). Heeseung still did have the same doe eyes, but they were more. . Sexy. More mature.

      As easily as Heeseung entered Yena's mind, he slipped the moment Yena was given male attention, which lead to Yena lying on a bed with the male's head buried between her legs. And although she was being given the pleasure she sought after on a daily basis, it still didn't satisfy Yena who wanted more. But, more of what?

       Time passes and Yena finds herself being shoved into a box, alongside Aera. She was branded with the word 'slut' in big, bold, red letters. Almost like Olive in Easy A, except, Yena didn't wear the emboldened letters with confidence. Yena wonders if that is what she'll be known as, a slut, for the rest of her college years.

      Yena cries herself to sleep for the first few weeks after finding out about her reputation, before deciding it's better she accepts it. It's better she accepts something she cannot change.

      The months pass, and at every party, Yena sees Heeseung making out with some girl that isn't her and her stomach churns. So, Yena distracts herself, wondering when it'll be her turn to be pushed against the wall by Heeseung and kissed into oblivion. Months pass and Yena finds herself searching and craving for the male attention and validation she never received during her childhood. Mixing alcohol with a college student who has daddy issues is something that should never happen, yet there Yena is, drinking away her issues and using sex as a distraction. 

      Yena spends her time making out with guys when she isn't studying. Yena spends her time waiting for Heeseung to approach her, flirt with her, and then lead Yena to a bedroom where she'll fulfill her fantasies that flash through her mind the moment she saw Heeseung during Choi Yeonjun's party.

      It never comes and Yena enters her second year of college with a strange twisting feeling biting her stomach. Maybe what she felt for Lee Heeseung wasn't just pure lust, perhaps something else was boiling beneath Yena's pliable emotions.

      Yena's life goes through many changes. First, she meets three freshmen who somehow shove their way into the deepest parts of her heart and securely anchor themselves there. Yena has a feeling they won't be as fleeting as all of Yena's other friendships and relationships and it makes Yena feel unsure. Of what? She has yet to figure that out.

      After finding out those three freshmen were good friends with Lee Heeseung, Yena's heart jumps and her stomach descends as if it was on a rollercoaster. Maybe this is Yena's chance. This is Yena's chance to use and then dump Heeseung. Use him to get rid of her feelings that were boiling into something more than lust, and then dump him when they're gone, when Yena realizes her feelings were fleeting, nonsensical, and that she was allowing herself to play into the nonsense. 

      And then, there's the soccer game where everything changes for both Yena and Aera.

      Lee Heeseung talks to Kang Yena, and he laughs with Yena, and he smiles with Yena, and -- oh, so maybe Yena's like for the boy is greater than her lust. But still, Yena pushes away her like because she's oh-so-sure Heeseung will enter and then exit her life just as quickly. No one is truly forever and Yena's slowly starting to forget that.

      "You know," Heeseung was saying as they watch the soccer game play out in front of them, "you're really pretty, Yena."

      Yena looks over at Heeseung who was already looking at her. Yena smiles, "I know, but thank you."

      Heeseung smiles widely and his head tilts slightly to the side, as though he was mentally drawing every detail of Yena that night in his mind to remember forever. "You're not too bad yourself, Heeseung," Yena presses, her smile growing wider.

      Heeseung raises an eyebrow, "Is that so?"

      "Yeah," Yena pauses and looks back at the soccer field, and then back at Heeseung, "you're definitely my type."

      "That's good, you're my type too, Yena."

       Yena feels her heart skip a beat. "So, your type is sluts?"

       "Yena — that's not what I —"

      Yena giggles and shoves Heeseung's shoulder with her palm, "I was kidding, Heeseung. Your type is obviously pretty and funny girls!"

       Yena gets Heeseung's number after that, and moves closer to Heeseung on the bleachers, watching and listening to him with a newfound interest Yena didn't even know she had. Why did she suddenly care about what a guy was saying to her? Usually, Yena didn't spend much time talking. Sure, her lips moved, but it was against lips and other bodily features.

       Maybe it would be okay to hold onto Heeseung and never let him slip out of her life like every other man has. Maybe Heeseung won't be like her father. Maybe Heeseung won't hurt her. Yena allows herself to think like that as she leaves Aera and Chaeryoung alone to seek Heeseung out after he told her to come out to the back porch.

       "Hey, Yena," Heeseung greets with an easy-going smile on his face.

       Yena smiles back and stands beside Heeseung, their shoulders brushing slightly. "Hey, what's up?"

       "Nothing, just wanted to see you."

      "Oh."

      "Oh?" Heeseung asks, looking over at Yena, the party lighting doesn't do Heeseung justice.

      "No one's ever said that to me before," Yena admits, feeling shy for the first time in a long time.

      Heeseung's fingers curl around Yena's cheek and tilt her head up, his eyes grazing across her face, a seed of determination sowing itself in his eyes. "I'll be your first for a lot of things, then, Yena."

       "I'm not a virgin, Heeseung."

      Heeseung laughs and slips hair behind Yena's ear, his hand dropping away from her face. "I didn't mean that, Yena." Yena feels herself shrink beneath Heeseung's gaze as he regards her for longer than necessary. Even though Yena shrinks, her heart warms and her chest expands creating more room for Heeseung to crash into. "You're genuinely one of the prettiest girls I've ever seen, Yena. Has anyone ever told you that?"

      "No."

      "I told you I'd be your first for a lot of things, Yena."

      Yena feels a blush rise to the apples of her cheeks. Heeseung was driving her crazy and Yena felt unsure. How was she supposed to feel? Was she supposed to be okay with how hard her heart is racing? Or how warm she feels when Heeseung looks at her in a way she's never been looked at before.

      "You're. . . Nice, Heeseung. Really nice."

      "I like to call myself a gentleman, but being called nice could do, I suppose."

      Yena laughs softly and rolls her eyes. "No guy has ever been this nice to me before. But I guess I never left any room for them to be nice to me."

      "Like I said," Heeseung starts slowly, his doe eyes holding the universe if Yena looks hard enough, "I'm a gentleman. I treat girls with respect."

      "That's hot," Yena says, trying to cover up her smile.

      "I know I am."

      Yena laughs and whacks Heeseung's shoulder, "egotistical much?"

      "It's called self-confidence, babe."

       "That's attractive. Having self-confidence," Yena states, looking out at the trashy and over-grown garden that sits behind the house full of drunken college students living off the high of winning a soccer game.

      "I think your smile is more attractive," Heeseung says, his attention still on Yena. "It's the prettiest part of you."

      "My smile?" Yena asks, self-consciously touching her lips with her fingers.

      "Yeah, your smile."

      "My dad told me my smile was ugly," Yena mutters, she turns to Heeseung, her eyes shining in the dimness of the night, "so, thank you."

      Yena thinks Heeseung's smile is the prettiest thing. Hesitantly, Heeseung brushes a hand through Yena's hair while an arm slips around Yena's waist and gently pulls her to him. The loud bass boosted music washes over their serenity, but Yena doesn't mind. "I really want to kiss you, Yena," Heeseung says, his voice soft, "can I kiss you?"

      Yena answers by cupping the back of Heeseung's neck and pulling him down, their lips connecting and Heeseung's warm palm cupping Yena's cheek fondly. The kiss they share is different from every other kiss Yena's experienced. It's slow-moving, Yena's able to taste something other than alcohol on Heeseung's lips. The passion is still there, but it's a gentle and tender passion.

       Pulling away, Yena looks up at Heeseung in a slow-moving daze. The world appears brighter, more loving, and more tangible than it was seconds ago. Yena feels unsteady on her own two feet, but Heeseung is there to keep her upright. 

        "You're perfect, Heeseung," Yena mumbles, her breath hot against his lips. "So perfect."

      Heeseung answers with another kiss just as gently passionate as the previous one.

      Yena spends the rest of the night alongside Heeseung, letting her mind forget about any reservations she had about falling in love with someone as perfect as Lee Heeseung. Even as they say goodnight to each other, Yena's heart begs the girl to not leave Heeseung's side, but Aera is desperate to leave and who is Yena to deny what her best friend wants?

      So, Yena falls asleep that night dreaming of a world where she wasn't so fucked up.

      But when Yena wakes up the next day, everything crashes down and Yena realizes the truth she's been denying; Heeseung is too perfect. Yena knows all about the boys who are too perfect. They're perfect on the outside but ugly on the inside. That's what Yena's father was like, that was what Yena's last boyfriend was like, and that's what her mother turned into.

       Heeseung's too perfect for Yena, he's going to tear down Yena from the outside and use her to his advantage, because that's what too perfect people do. Yena's not going to give in this time. 

      Rolling over, Yena picks up her phone, and double-checks Aera's still fast asleep in her own bed before she goes over to Heeseung's contact with the intention to block him, but instead, she finds a message from Heeseung that was sent six minutes ago. Who the fuck was up at 8:45 AM? (Heeseung, apparently.)

      Hey Yena :) Do you want to meet up later today?

       Instantly, Yena is writing an excuse. sorry, my mom died and i contracted the flu. lol.

      Yena hits send and reads over her message, before doing a double-take. Was her mind playing tricks on her? Or did she actually send sure! when? and what time?  Yena tries to unsend the message, she rubs her eyes harshly and tries to fall back asleep in hopes this was all a dream. Yena then pinches and slaps herself, but she doesn't wake up. This nightmare is Yena's reality.

      Heeseung responds and Yena screams into her pillow. Aera groans awake and Yena punches the pillow for an extra measure before tumbling out of bed, letting her body flop onto the hard wooden floor beneath her. Yena wants to knock herself out. Why was it always the too-perfect boys she falls for?

      The day moves by and Yena builds up her concrete walls. She can't let Heeseung slip past them like last night. They're there for a reason. They're there to guard Yena's heart and keep her safe from all the ugliness and evilness exposed to the world. The walls are there to keep the hurt mixing into her already tainted bloodstream.

      Heeseung sits in the cafe. He's perfect. Yena stands outside the cafe, staring at him through the window. He's perfect. But Yena's not perfect. They're not compatible. Lee Heeseung, a guy willing to love with his entire heart, and Kang Yena, a girl afraid of love and commitment and the idea that love is something so inhumanely powerful, something that can be twisted and warped into a different means — into hurt, resentment, anguish. Love is a toy for the powerful, and a drug for the less fortunate. Lee Heeseung believes in love, Kang Yena resents it.

      They're not perfect for each other.

      "Yena!" Heeseung's smile is too pretty. The flowers that were once wilting, now stand tall beneath Heeseung's smile. It shouldn't be possible, but Yena's tainted bloodstream becomes less tainted. "I got you an Iced Vanilla Latte, I think you mentioned it last night? I'm not sure."

      "What do you want, Heeseung?" Yena forgoes all niceties. She wants to get out of here with her heart intact and her walls still built strongly.

       "Yena, um," Heeseung blinks, shocked by Yena's strong, indelicate question. "Do you want to go on a date? With me?"

       Yena opens her mouth, but she can't say it. Why can't she say it? Why is it suddenly so hard to reject a guy? Since the end of her senior year, she's been rejecting every guy who asked her out ever since she realized love can easily be manipulated into something it's not supposed to be. Her father hitting her mother was not love, no matter how hard her father convinced Yena. Her assortment of boyfriends bending Yena to their will in such toxic and manipulative ways was not love, no matter how much they told Yena, and how Yena told herself. Loving Heeseung is only a falsification. Yena's chasing after the same love as Aera, but, unlike Aera, Yena knows she'll never find it because the world fucked her over the moment she was born.

       "No," Yena's mouth burns and a bitter taste is left in her mouth. "I don't do dating."

        It takes a while for Yena's words to sink in. Heeseung nods slowly, his eyes unblinking. Then, an earthquake shifts Yena's whole world on its axis. "That's okay, Yena. I'll wait for you. I'll be here when you're ready to accept my offer."

      "Heeseung —"

      "I have to get to class, Yena," Heeseung's smile is still so soft, and so pretty. It still makes Yena's lips burn and her heart sting with infatuation. Heeseung reaches out and softly brushes Yena's hair from her eyes. "See you around."

      Then, he's gone.

       He's gone like Yena's mother — quickly, silently. But it hurts all the more because Yena never got the chance to say goodbye.

       When Yena makes it back to her dorm, Aera isn't back from Sunghoon's apartment yet. So, Yena stares at her bed for longer than one should, throws her phone onto her desk, and grabs her pillow, screaming into it. Again and again. Until her throat goes dry. Until it hurts. Until all that comes out is a choked sob.

        "Yena?"

       Yena whirls around to see Aera shutting the door behind her, her school bag falling lightly to the ground. "Yena? Are you okay?" Familiar concern flits over Aera's face, concern that only makes Yena sob more. Concern. No one's ever been concerned about Yena deeply as Aera and her family have. Her mother did — but that was before. Yena reaches out, her hands grasp onto the weightless air, she feels helpless, and then Aera's there, crumpling to the ground with Yena, her hands wrapped tightly around the fragile frame of Kang Yena.

       Neither do much talking that night. Yena falls asleep in Aera's bed, feeling safe in her warm embrace.

       They do all the talking in the library the next day — well, more like, Aera talks, and Yena listens. They decide to go to the soccer game with help of Riki, Jungwon, and Sunoo who all turn up. Yena likes the three younger boys, she especially loves teasing Riki. 

      And then — oh. It's the party next. It's the party where Yena sees Heeseung talking to some girl and she grows jealous. Then, Yena reminds herself, why is she jealous? She gave up on Heeseung, she gave up her chance with Heeseung because of her fear of whatever comes next. What happens if the too-perfect Heeseung is just a facade? What if he's just as ugly as the next person?

      Yena finds herself breathlessly kissing Park Sunghoon in a dark hallway, she's unable to tell where her hands are, where Sunghoon's hands are. All Yena cares about is getting the thought — the idea of Lee Heeseung his love for her, his patience for her, his dedication for her, and his lips out of her mind. Sunghoon seems to understand that well enough and now she's lying on his bed back at his apartment and tugging his shirt over his head. As always, sex is a distraction from reality.

      Images flash by of Aera scolding Yena, and then Yena coming back home from Sunghoon's apartment after Aera leaves with Riki and Jake.

      "Be gentle with him, okay?" Sunghoon says as he drops Yena off. "He doesn't deserve heartbreak."

      Yena doesn't say anything. How can she when her heart clenches and her throat closes up at the mere mention of Lee Heeseung? She doesn't like the effect the boy has on her. Yena needs to let go of Heeseung, she needs to break free from the reigns tying her to the boy who is so good and pure and full of love Yena doesn't deserve. He's full of so much love it scares Yena to the bone.

       Halloween arrives in a flash and suddenly Yena's back in Sunghoon's apartment, holding alcohol and doing her best to pay attention to Sunghoon who is talking. Her gaze is pinned on Heeseung. He looks so hot that Yena can't handle herself. She wants to push herself against him and kiss him until they're both bleeding with pure, unadulterated love. Love that is so real from Heeseung. Love that is so fictional from Yena. 

      After talking to Aera in the bathroom, Yena heads toward Heeseung with one goal in mind: to talk to him. "Hey, Heeseung." Yena's heart leaps up and settles in her throat as Heeseung's gaze is turned towards her. He's never looked more ethereal.

      "Yena," a soft, welcoming smile spreads across his lips, "how are you?"

      I'll wait for you.

      Yena shrugs, "I've been better. How are you?"

       Heeseung's smile is an enigma to Yena. "I've been better," he mimics Yena's words and a familiar sense of annoyance rushes back in. Yena's glad not much has changed between them.

       "Don't steal my words," Yena pouts.

       "Don't steal my heart then," Heeseung shoots back, smirking at the off-guard look painting itself across Yena's face.

       "You can't say shit like that, Hee," Yena strains out, her voice sounding like it was on the verge of tears.

       "Make me not say it then," Heeseung's stare was fierce and determined and lust coils in the pit of Yena's stomach. Yena can't give in to the familiar feeling settling in her stomach, she has to let her pure feelings bleed through tonight — who is Yena kidding? The second the closet door shuts, Heeseung's lips are hungry and demanding.

        Yena lets Heeseung's mouth swallow her whole as she fights back with the same sense of hunger and determination, everything she's kept pent up is being unleashed and Yena can't fight back the moans, whines, and whimpers escaping her as Heeseung gives her the pleasure she's longed for by him. Yena feels his hands slip beneath her top, her skin branding his palm against her skin, leaving a trail of hot, spine-tingling touches along her waist, back, and lower.

       Yena's hands wander over Heeseung's body. She pulls at his hair as his lips trail down her neck. Her hands smooth down his spine, circle the waist of his jeans, and then slip lower, Heeseung gasping and Yena greedily swallows the gasp with another breathless kiss. This is all too much for Yena, yet excitingly perfect for her at the same time.

       Their time in the closet is up, but neither of them wants this to end. Leaving the apartment with flushed cheeks, messy hair, messy make-up, and hands intertwined, they tumble into the car together and drive until neither of them can hold back.

         Talking is key for communication, but Yena finds herself letting her lips do most of the talking when it comes to relationships that are supposed to go beyond sex and pleasure. (It doesn't help that when Yena wakes up the next day and checks her phone, ignoring the ache in her lower body, she giggles at the cheesiest message she's ever received from a guy, and Heeseung watches her, her stomach instantly turning into curdled milk, she escapes Heeseung's grasp for the second, or third? Time.)

      Yena wishes she didn't leave Heeseung alone that morning because, maybe, she wouldn't jealous. Maybe, she wouldn't have to listen to Heeseung talk about this Grace bitch. Yena hates being jealous, it makes her feel self-conscious and aware of her own actions, and it leaves her second-guessing — yet, Yena remembers Aera telling her that whenever Yena gets jealous, she somehow becomes more logical in her own mind. It doesn't make sense to Yena, and it never will, but as she listens to Heeseung talk about his date, Yena realizes she's too far gone for Heeseung for this to truly be a fling. She can't escape Heeseung, no matter how many times she runs away.

        The car ride over to the soccer game, it's filled with undeniable tension. Yena wants to beg Heeseung to pull over and allow her to kiss him senselessly, but Yena knows better. Instead, Heeseung's hand creeps onto Yena's thigh and she sends him a questioning look. "Heeseung?"

        "Do you not like it, Yena?"

      Something in Heeseung's tone is saying I dare you, Yena, remove my hand.

      Yena's not one for lying, "I like it." Way too much.

      Heeseung squeezes Yena's thigh in response and thrill floods her body. Lightly, Yena covers Heeseung's hand with her own. His warmth is addicting. Yena realizes she wants to hold Heeseung's hand forever.

        The feeling doesn't last long.

      "Hey guys, this is Grace," it's late into the night and the entire friend group is partying it up. Plus the new addition. Grace. Yena eyes the girl, brown eyes, tan skin, hair that's been dyed a dark red. She looks superficial. She looks like a Victoria's Secret Angel. There's no doubt someone like Lee Heeseung would chase after someone like her.

       They exchange greetings. Grace smiles at Yena, but there's something foul behind her smile. Yena blinks, and it's gone. Maybe it was just Yena's imagination. Still, Yena feels bitter, and everything she drinks tastes bitter. She can't stand here and watch Heeseung dance with Grace, she can't watch Heeseung have eyes only for Grace, she can't stand here and watch Heeseung only look at Grace.

       Yena does the next best thing; leave with a random guy and let sex distract her.

◾◾◾◾

"Do you love Heeseung, Yena?" Jungwon asks one night when Yena's lying on the floor of Jungwon's, Sunoo's, and Riki's dorm. Aera and Riki are laughing over something curled up on Riki's bed, while Yena, Jungwon, and Sunoo all do their required readings for their lectures. It is a couple of days until The Fight.

      Yena gazes up at Jungwon who is lying horizontally on his bed. Her legs stop swinging through the hair and Yena shifts around on her stomach to get a better look at Jungwon who also shifts. "I don't know."

        "I think he loves you," Jungwon says with such nonchalance, Yena almost lets it fly over her head. Almost.

      I'll wait for you.

       "He can't love me if he gave up on me," Yena knows it's bullshit. Heeseung didn't have the time to wait for someone who will never grant him the love he deserves tenfold.

       "He waited for as long as he could, Yena," Sunoo reminds the older girl, poking his tongue out as he tries to highlight a passage in his textbook. "Just because he gave up doesn't mean you're not worth it, it just means it's your turn to fight for the relationship."

        "But Grace —"

       "Is a bitch," Jungwon interrupts, "you're a bitch too, Yena, but we like you more. Heeseung's using Grace."

      "No, he's not using her — why do you say that, Won?"

      Jungwon shrugs and picks up his textbook again, "he doesn't look at her the same way he looks at you."

◾◾◾◾

The Fight left Yena ruined. It left her heart shattered. She remembers the night too vividly. Grace approaches her after Yena leaves Heeseung's side for the first time that night. Yena feels alive, Heeseung's hand that had been resting on the small of her back the entire night forever imprinted into her skin. Yena feels like tonight will be the night she allows herself to dive in and love Heeseung forever. Without any regrets. It's time for Kang Yena to love Lee Heeseung unconditionally.

      "He doesn't love you," Grace further pushes all the insecurities and doubts Yena had thought of deeper into her skin. "He'll never love a slut like you."

      "Excuse me?"

      "Heeseung's easy," Grace tacks on, "he'll give attention to anyone who will give it to him. He's not a good kisser, nor is he good in bed." Who the fuck uses 'nor' in their speech? "So, honestly, I don't see why you're still leeching onto him. He's easy, and because he's easy, he'll never love you — which is a good thing."

       "Excuse me?" Yena says again, her voice pitched higher than the last.

      "It's a good thing he lucked out on dating you, Kang, your dad is a wife-beater, so who knows what you'd do to him?"

      Yena sees red and grabs Grace by the collar. Grace smirks and leans in closer to Yena's face, "why would Heeseung date someone as fucked-up and loose-headed as you? You've never had a stable relationship, and never will. Did you truly believe Heeseung would love someone like you?"

      How could someone be so nasty?

      Yena leaves the apartment that night with her shattered heart slipping out of her hands. It's hard to move on from how devastating that night was, from Grace sinking her claws deep into Yena's skin to Heeseung siding with Grace even if it wasn't intentional, to her own friends choosing some random bitch who none of them clearly liked, over Yena, their friend. None of it made sense to Yena.

      But still, her heart kept room for them, and even when they came to apologize, Yena couldn't say 'no I don't forgive you,' because, without realizing it, Yena found a new sort of love. A familial love — the love Yena never got when she was younger. She found the love she had been chasing after. Not the fairytale love Aera wants, but the warm, supportive, love. The love Yena sees and feels whenever she's over at Aera's house. She found familial love with seven stupid boys, and their stupid jokes paired with their stupid smiles. (And the one singular shared brain cell.)

      Heeseung asks Yena to meet up a few days after the library apology. Yena winds up outside the same cafe shop as the one where Heeseung asked her out. She stares through the window and finds herself staring at Lee Heeseung, the most perfect guy to ever exist, the one guy Yena's heart simultaneously longs for and runs from.

      "Yena," Heeseung's eyes widen and he offers a slim, yet warm smile. Yena slides into the seat across from Heeseung, her heart thumping loudly in her chest. It drowns out any other noise. It's just her and Heeseung. Lee Heeseung and Kang Yena, one who loves with their entire heart, and one who runs from love.

       "Heeseung," his name melts in Yena's mouth. It's perfect. Everything to do with Heeseung is perfect.

       "I'm sorry. For everything. I hurt you and I don't know how to repair our relationship. I was only using Grace to make you jealous, you know," Heeseung says, so seriously Yena wonders if she's staring at the same Lee Heeseung she fell for.

      "You. . Were making me jealous?"

      "I was told that was when you were most logical."

       Yena scowls. Damn Kim Aera. "I'm gonna beat her up later."

      "Yena, you mean a lot to me," Heeseung starts off and Yena's breath catches in her throat. "It was stupid of me to use Grace in a way that would hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you, Yena, I hope you know that. I only wanted to remove Grace from the situation, but in doing so, I hurt you. I left you alone when you needed comfort when you needed reassurance that I —"

      Yena's heart pounds and her inner thoughts taunt Yena. This is it. This is the end.

      "When you needed reassurance that I truly, deeply, love you. With everything that I am and with everything that I will become."

      Yena swears the Earth has stopped moving.

      "Yena," Heeseung says, his voice desperate. "I'm so so stupid. Stupid for letting myself think taking Grace away would be better, when, instead, I should've been there with you, comforting and reassuring you that nothing about you, or your past, would change how I feel about you. It hurts seeing you in pain, and it hurts, even more, knowing it unintentionally caused that pain. I care for you, Yena. Deeply. I would do anything to take your pain, I would do anything. You have to believe me. Yena, I'm sorry."

       Everything falls into motion and Yena's reminded she's sitting in a noisy cafe with Heeseung sitting across from her, his doe eyes wide with desperation. Heeseung's sitting across from her, waiting in anticipation.

      Yena ignores her glassy eyes and lifts her mouth into a weak smile. "I forgive you, Heeseung, I don't think I could ever truly stay mad at you." Is this what love feels like? Heeseung's smile looks weightless, "but," Yena begins and weight appears on his smile. "I need time and space. . .To figure," Yena gestures to Heeseung and herself, "us out."

      "Of course," Heeseung's words sound painful, but Yena knows he understands her. "Anything you want, Yena."

◾◾◾◾

It's a few days before winter break and Yena's back in Jungwon's, Sunoo's, and Riki's dorm. This time it's silent. Aera and Riki have gone to go do whatever they do together, which was fine since it let Jungwon and Sunoo study in silence, and Yena ponders over Heeseung.

      Her love for Heeseung was. . Well, first, was it even love? What is love? How does Yena know she's in love? Then, Yena thinks about a life without Heeseung, and, well, there's her answer. Yena can't live without Heeseung, as cheesy and cringe as it sounds. The truth speaks volumes and in the short time Yena's known Heeseung, there's no one else she'd rather wilt away with. (Aside from Aera. Aera will always be Yena's number one).

      So, Yena officially loves Heeseung. And then comes the scary part: truly allowing that love to flood and encompass everything that makes Yena.

      "I love Heeseung," Yena says into the silence.

      Jungwon looks up from his Macbook, takes his pen out from between his lips, and grins. "Took you long enough."

      Yena scowls.

      Jungwon laughs, and then his face smooths over, "I'm happy for you, Yena, truly. You deserve to be loved by someone like Heeseung. He'll love you with his entire heart, nothing less."

      "I just hope you will love him the same," Sunoo speaks up, "no half-hearted love that only has Heeseung pulling the weight. A relationship takes two, Yena."

       "I. . . Can't imagine loving Heeseung any less than how much he loves me," Yena says gently, and shyly. There's a red hue on the apples of her cheeks.

      Sunoo smiles. "I'm glad. You deserve him, Yena."

◾◾◾◾

Heeseung gives Yena her time and space, but still shows his love for her in the littlest of ways. It's the little things Heeseung does for Yena that make her fall more in love with him, until she can't take it anymore and she's cornering Heeseung before bed, her heart leaping out of her chest.

      "Come with me on a walk along the beach tomorrow morning," Yena asks Heeseung, feeling shy beneath his gaze. "Please."

       "Of course."

      Yena's a shaking mess as she dresses herself the following morning, making sure she's zipped up warmly before making her way down and finding Heeseung resting on the couch with his eyes closed. Yena admires him. He looks more youthful. Less stressed. He looks like the Heeseung Yena first encountered back when she was a senior in high school.

      "Heeseung," Yena breaks the spell and she's back to being a shaking mess.

       The first couple of minutes of the walk is awkward and tense. The light breeze only makes Yena shiver more, but the early morning light helps keep Yena focused on reality. On her goal for today. "Have you been sleeping well, Heeseung?"

       "Yeah, the beds are really comfortable," Heeseung hums, his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his puffy jacket.

        Yena grins, "I know right? I always forget about how right Aera is, it drives me insane I'm her best friend out of everyone in this world!"

         Heeseung laughs gently, a laugh only reserved for the mornings, "well, you're easy to love, Yena."

      Yena decides to initiate the first part of her plan. She holds out her hand toward Heeseung, "my hand is cold, could we please hold hands?" Heeseung doesn't even question or hesitate -- he eagerly takes Yena's hand into his warm one. A cold, red hand melting against a warm, tan hand.

       The pair indulge in small talk, that unfurls into a warm conversation about how winter is severely underappreciated, and then Yena notices the sun is almost fully over the horizon. Yena maneuvers herself to stand in front of Heeseung, keeping their hands locked.

      Yena takes a deep breath. Here goes nothing.

      I deserve this kind of love, Yena reminds herself.

       "Heeseung, for the longest time I was afraid of commitment — and love. My past. . Isn't one that I'm proud of, it's something that will hold me back at times and it's something I'll forever regret. Love in my past wasn't as pure and innocent. It was deadly. It was a weapon. It was manipulative and used as a way to wean out the weak. But, now I know love isn't meant for the weak, love is meant for the strong. You know how I know that?"

        Heeseung shakes his head.

         "Because I love you."

        Yena closes her eyes and Heeseung inhales sharply. "You showed me true, real love. And, maybe one day I'll tell you about why I was as stupid as I was, why I let you slip away many times, but, just know that, right now and forever, I love you, Heeseung. I'll love you for as long as I breathe."

        Yena opens her eyes and smiles at Heeseung. He leans in and kisses Yena. It's passionate and gentle, just like their first kiss, yet there's so much love evident in this kiss. Their hands unlink and wrap around each other, making sure they're close as possible. Drawing back, Heeseung rests his forehead against Yena's. "I love you, Yena," he whispers.

         The waves rise and fall against the shoreline, the clouds part in the sky to make way for the sun, and a seagull squawks from above them. Everything feels perfect to Yena. "I love you more, Heeseung, I'll always love you more."

         They kiss again.

        "Thank you for being patient with me," Yena whispers, love evident in every part of Yena, from her voice to her heartbeat. "Thank you for not giving up on me."

         "Why would I?" Heeseung asks, pressing a fleeting kiss to Yena's lips, "you're worth it." 

author's note,

hey y'all...just checking in. how are we all doing?????

me shoving 6k words of hee's and yena's relationship into your face: ( ˘⌣˘)♡(˘⌣˘ ) (ngl, this chapter was supposed to be longer...but i was in 6k territory and was like...Lol. No. so i cut out a bunch of ideas)

i thought we all needed a little break from jake and aera...they're draining the life out of me fr. i Am So Sorry for the last chapter, but it had to be done for plot purposes. nothing in this book is done without a reason, so don't fret, jake and aera will finally end up having the long overdue talk about their relationship!! 

six more chapters plus an epilogue are left, so Get Ready!!!!!!!!

curious question: hypothetically, if i were to post another fic after this one ends, would you want a sunoo fic or another jungwon fic?? 

hope ur all enjoying metamorphosis as much as i am!!!