Song for Writing: The Water Song by The Mountain Goats

been sad as fuck and unproductive as fuck but i guess that's what happens when the love of your young life turns out to be a shitty person and you have to reconcile with the fact that most of the narratives you've constructed for the past eight years revolve around you being a depressing, unhealthy, dangerous person and him being a victim of circumstances beyond his control

it's comforting that neither of these things are true: i am not and will never be the person i was years ago who scared me so much or who hurt and pushed away people in some kind of sad rigor mortis where i was legitimately trying to cut everyone out before i killed myself. unfortunately my narratives about other people were also based on the assumption that i was the problem and by fixing myself i could rectify all past mistakes and that everything would be fine. it isn't. it turns out people will actually really just hurt you no matter how good you are to them if it turns out to be beneficial for them. i guess that's what i get for being nice and now i have to get over him for the sake of my pride and for everyone around me i can not afford to disappoint. hell, i can't disappoint myself. i just need to write again i suppose

but i wish i could write something good

my first ever gay character lmao fuckin dill he still slaps