[Summary] (com)

Seokjin hates himself for letting Jungkook go. They could've had everything, yet he settled for nothing at all. He ruined what could've been and shattered his own heart.

"Whatever it is that we're doing, I don't want to do it anymore," Seokjin had regretfully told Jungkook.

Now, after five dreadful years, he sees Jungkook's big round eyes once again.

"Hyung," Jungkook mutters. His voice is almost like a second chance given by fate. "It's been a while."

( Almost exes to lovers, Angst with happy ending, Fluffy ending )

Words: 8,863

~~~~~

It's a Saturday morning.

Seokjin checks his phone about three total times before he finally rolls out of bed and nearly trips over his roommate Yoongi's damn keyboard stand on the way to freshen up in the bathroom.

Today is a special Saturday because one of Seokjin's— and Yoongi's— friends have invited them and a few other people over to his apartment to celebrate his birthday. Hoseok told Seokjin and Yoongi, plus their other friend Namjoon, that it would be all okay, that he'd only invited three of his lower class friends to hang out as well.

Hoseok wanted them to meet anyways. Seokjin remembers hearing all about these three famous friends of his. The one who's into art, the one who's into dancing just like Hoseok is, and the one who's really shy but also very funny once you get to know him.

Seokjin doesn't know how Hoseok met these guys.

He doesn't have to know, either.

He just gets dressed for the day and comes out to the living room to see Yoongi already sitting on the couch, waiting for the bathroom to become free to freshen up as well.

"You're still coming with me to Hoseok's, right?" Seokjin asks as the younger stands up from the couch. Yoongi's yawn turns into a scoff.

"Of course I am," he mutters in his low, sleepy voice that sounds more like a deep purr. "Just gotta brush my teeth and fix my hair and I'll be ready.

So, Seokjin waits for his roommate and friend to freshen up. After they're both fixed up all nicely and their different scents of cologne linger heavily in the air, they decide to hurry out of their apartment before they get a headache— maybe Yoongi sprayed too much cologne on accident, but at least he smells good, Seokjin notes.

Hoseok's apartment is in the same building as theirs and it's only the afternoon— they weren't supposed to come until later this evening— but Hoseok had asked them to come help by cooking dinner for them and as rights for the birthday boy, the two oldest gladly agreed to make him the best meal ever.

They're greeted with Hoseok's cheerful little smile once he lets them inside his apartment and they've brought groceries ready to prepare for cooking, so they go straight to the kitchen as Hoseok lounges, kicking back on his couch and letting his best friends go at it.

"Where's Namjoon at? You did invite him too, right?"

Hoseok tsks at Yoongi's question. "Yes, hyung. I invited you two, Namjoon, Jimin, Taehyung, Jungkook, and Chanyi with his girlfriend Minji— those two were sort of last minute. They're from my dance class. I'm sorry for inviting them over last minute like that."

"Absolute nonsense!" Seokjin yells dramatically from across the kitchen. "This is your birthday dinner. Don't apologize to us. Just let hyungs cook you and your guests an amazing meal and we'll all be getting along by the end of the night. Don't you worry your little head, Hoseok-ah."

Hoseok giggles from the couch and Yoongi pretty much ignores Seokjin, going on about his kitchen duties.

"I hope you guys like my friends. They're really nice."

"We will," Seokjin reassures him. "We'll have a great night for sure."

Perhaps Seokjin should've paid a little more attention or maybe he should've gotten on social media a lot more— he's recently stopped getting on there because of last-year-studying and so many assignments before he leaves this hell that is university.

He just wasn't sure what to expect of Hoseok's friends in terms of appearance.

All he knows is that after Namjoon comes in and the couple gets here, he's fine for now. Things are pretty okay when he meets Chanyi and Minji. They're a nice little couple, he supposes. Nothing much to say other than Chanyi is very friendly and talkative and his girlfriend is fairly quiet.

But Hoseok's other three friends...

There's a set of knocks on the door that soon turns into three hands knocking and Hoseok giggles away as he opens his apartment door, seeing his three friends who were arriving here together. He teases one of the boys in front of the door and greets them all, goofing around with them.

Seokjin only glances at them from the kitchen for long enough to see that it's the three boys, but when they walk into the living room with Hoseok, he can finally tear his gaze from the sizzling meat and truly look at them.

There's a shorter one in the front. He's got on black boots that have little heels on them, which matches his black pants and silky blue dress shirt. He pushes his hair back with his hands as he glances from Seokjin's gaze to Yoongi's next to him.

The tall guy next to him has on grey slacks and a white sweater, plus a grey beret to match. The look in his eye is more focused than the shorter one's— he looks like he's just taking in the fact that there are other people here.

And then there's the guy in the back, who Hoseok's got his arm draped over, forcing his body to turn towards the kitchen.

"These are my friends."

The one Hoseok's standing with has a curious look in his eyes and not only that, but his eyes are set on Seokjin's. He's wearing more casual clothes than either of his friends— or anyone here for that matter— but he still looks like a shadow next to Hoseok, who is wearing light cargo jeans and a bright shirt under his colorful jacket, all stylish.

This guy is wearing all black in contrast. Black boots that wrap up and around his ankles, tight with thick soles at the bottom. Black pants that are lined perfectly with his boots and a black sweater that hangs loosely over his slim, toned-looking body. Even his hair is black and his eyes that are burning into Seokjin's are almost dark enough to pass as it as well.

He looks the youngest.

Seokjin looks down at his own black slacks and white sweater, now wondering if he's dropped something on his shirt as the boy stares over at him like he is.

"Hi everyone. I'm Taehyung," the second tall one speaks up, earning Seokjin's attention again. After announcing who he is, he asks everyone around who they are, followed by the shorter one— which Seokjin learns is Park Jimin.

So, by process of elimination—

"This is Jungkook," Hoseok says as he leads the slightly taller, younger one up towards the kitchen. The other two went off to greet the couple and soon Namjoon as well, so Hoseok brings the shyest to the cooks.

"Um. Hi."

A smile slowly tugs up at Seokjin's lips as he hears Jungkook speak for the first time. He isn't sure why he's so shy, but it's cute. It's cute to see someone wearing such an intense, all-black outfit, and look so attractive, yet be so shy.

"Hi, Jungkook-ssi," Seokjin says. He's also shy, but that doesn't mean he's bad at meeting people or making them feel comfortable. People have always told Seokjin that he's great at making them feel not-awkward. "Yoongi and I are cooking, would you like to try tasting some of the meat for me? It'd be real nice to have an outside perspective."

He holds up the plate of meat he's gathered so far and watches as Jungkook's curious look turns into awe, his eyes beaming as he scans over the meat and leans forward to smell it.

"It smells so nice," he mutters in disbelief. "Yeah, sure. I can taste anything for you, um, Kim Seokjin-ssi..?"

Hoseok has mentioned before that he talks about them to his younger friends, just like Seokjin knew all about Jungkook being the shy one amongst his little friend group. He hasn't talked to the dance friend or art friend yet, but he's too busy focusing on the cutie in front of him anyway.

"That's me," he confirms with a small smile.

"Wow," Hoseok chuckles to himself. "I think you two will get along fine, honestly. You think I could leave you with hyung for a little bit, Jungkook-ah? I need to make sure everything's going well over there." He points off to where the others are standing.

"I'll be fine," Jungkook quickly lets out. "Don't worry about me, hyung. I'll be fine right over here." He steps around the counter and stands right next to Seokjin, their arms brushing together as Jungkook straightens his posture and gives his friend a nice little smile to assure him once more.

Seokjin smiles as well as lets out a light laugh, seeing that the shy boy is no longer as shy and it's only been two minutes since they met each other. As he laughs, Jungkook's big round eyes meet his and he smiles even wider at the older, a big grin on his face.

"Yeah. I'll be fine right here, hyung."

———

Seokjin isn't sure how, but he ends up staying by Jungkook's side that entire evening and the rest of the night. They exchange numbers sometime after a few drinks and right as everyone's gathering their things to leave Hoseok's birthday dinner.

Everyone tells Seokjin and Yoongi that the food was amazing and thanks them for making it, and Seokjin ends up telling Jungkook in private that if he wants, he could make him dinner anytime he asks. He isn't sure what it is about him, but he likes him.

Jungkook is so cute and after he loosened up, he's really funny and laughs so innocently that Seokjin had to love it about him.

He had to be friends with him.

So, days turn into weeks that he finds himself messaging Jungkook— talking about the most random things like food, games, stories of Hoseok they can bond over, even stories of Seokjin's friends and Jungkook's friends as well, and of course themselves as well.

They mostly see each other in person because Taehyung and Hoseok insist on hanging out more often. Even Chanyi and Minji come over a few times as well.

But Seokjin always finds himself sitting next to Jungkook every single time. He's not sure how. It just happens.

It's on one random weekend towards the middle of the semester that Seokjin decides he really wants to see Jungkook more. He doesn't notice if he loses study time or if he stays up too late talking to Jungkook, making him sleepy the next day in class. He carelessly lets Jeon Jungkook into his life and adjusts to him only.

He asks Jungkook for the first time if he wants to hang out alone. Asks him if he wants to go to the cafe and try out some of the snacks they have because Seokjin loves that cafe a lot and he wants to share the experience.

Jungkook obviously tells him yes. He seems just as intrigued as Seokjin.

It's moments like these, too, that make Seokjin so happy. The freshman always smiles around him, always likes to joke around with Seokjin, always nudges him playfully and laughs mischievously once Seokjin complains or bothers him back, always gives into Seokjin's playing.

But those moments lace in with new ones after they start hanging out alone.

He doesn't know how or when, but he and Jungkook start turning friendly moments into something a bit more intimate along the way.

Aimlessly playing with each other's feet under the cafe table, slipping their fingers into each other's palms and not uttering a word once their fingers intertwine, or things like Jungkook coming over to visit Seokjin and they end up goofing around while playing video games until they're tired and Seokjin pulls the younger into his arms, forcing cuddles into the couch— not that Jungkook minds, as he always wraps his arms around Seokjin and holds him even tighter.

It's so great and Seokjin likes it almost too much. He likes Jungkook.

But here's the problem with that...

Seokjin likes him so much that he completely butchers his school life— the most important thing that he should be focused on right now. The thing that should be his priority in life.

He starts worrying once he notices his grades are getting bad. His sleep schedule is ruined, he's not studying nearly as much as he should be, especially since he's in his last year and he has one semester to fix the mess that he's now caused.

One wrong move could end it all.

So... Is hanging out with Jungkook his wrong move?

If being friends with him or whatever it is that they've got going on is making him almost fail school, then how could he recover from that? Should he really let someone he met only a few months ago distract him so much?

He thought about this all week after his recently terrible essay score.

But the one thing that truly set him off was no other than Chanyi— the guy that Hoseok had invited over. Seokjin had talked to him a few times and they became friends along the way. He just happened to see Seokjin's essay score and had something to say about it.

"It's because of that freshman, huh?"

Seokjin frowns to himself. He just wanted to study with Chanyi, but apparently his mind is readable and Chanyi sounds disappointed about it.

"I don't know what to do," Seokjin tells him with a sigh. "I hang out with him so much and I think it's hurting my grades. I mean—"

"He's so young, though." Chanyi raises an uncertain look at him after cutting him off. Seokjin tilts his head and listens, confused at the sudden statement. "You two are living almost different lives, hyung. Right? Like- with your future, of course. He's in his first year and you're in your last year. He's young and probably wants to experiment, don't you think? You'll graduate and he'll still be studying like crazy. You know how school is. Besides, he's hurting your grades."

"I- I mean, I guess..?"

Seokjin doesn't really understand, but now he's focusing on something entirely different. Jungkook is really young and he could want to experiment with dating and stuff like that. Seokjin's about to graduate and start his career— his next chapter in life— while Jungkook's nowhere near it yet.

"I'm just saying, is it worth it? You're failing classes over someone so young. He probably won't even be ready to settle down for years. It's just a waste of time and it's kind of weird if you ask me." Chanyi gives Seokjin a quick glance-over and suddenly he feels insecure, feels judged. "Why are you risking your career over some kid you just met?"

Seokjin deflates into his chair.

Is it worth it?

————

As it turns out, Seokjin decides that he's messed up.

He's lost time for studying, sleeping, and doing assignments— he's been too focused on liking Jungkook so much. He likes Jungkook too much for his own good.

"Jungkookie..?"

Jungkook's eyes are rounder as he drinks out of the cafe's cup. He's drinking the hell out of the smoothie he bought and he looks so happy today that it almost makes Seokjin walk out the door and rethink everything he's planning to say today.

"Yes, hyung? Did you want some?" Jungkook holds out the drink and purses his lips into a smile, all twinkly eyes and crinkled lids.

"Um. No, actually I just wanted to talk to you about something."

Jungkook lowers the drink and his smile drops, confusion and a hint of shock in his eyes. "About what?" he asks, uncertain as he eyes the older.

"Um." Seokjin picks up his drink and takes a few gulps of it to clear his dry throat. "I just wanted to tell you that... whatever it is that we're doing, I don't want to do it anymore. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, don't you? All the... intimate stuff."

He glances up from his drink to look Jungkook in the eye, but regret swarms over his entire body as he sees wide eyes glistening with tears and the first frown he'd ever seen on Jeon Jungkook's face before. He knows now that he wasn't crazy to think that they had something going on, but he feels somewhat crazier as he speaks such words that hurt Jungkook.

He never wanted to hurt Jungkook.

Never.

"T-That's okay, hyung." But Jungkook scoots his drink away from himself and he slips out of his chair, standing up before Seokjin can even say anything else. "I'll talk to you later, hyung. I told Jiminie hyung that I'd dog sit for him today. I'll text you later, okay?"

Seokjin can hear the crack in his voice and he knows Jungkook is lying because there are no pets allowed on campus and Jungkook refuses to look him in the eye. He's definitely lying.

"Um. Yeah, Jungkook-ah. Text me and let me know you've made it home safe, okay?"

Tears threaten his own eyes as Jungkook simply nods and turns towards the exit. He doesn't even tell him bye. And for some reason Seokjin's heart shatters into pieces as he catches a glimpse of Jungkook wiping at his eyes as he walks out of the cafe, a few eyes glancing over at him.

It was supposed to be the right thing to do.

But why does it feel so wrong?

———

Seokjin had definitely done something wrong back then.

Not only did he lose a possible lover on that afternoon, but he lost a friend. He lost someone he'd never felt so easily attached to before. He lost the fond teasing, the shared food, the cuddles, the hand holding, that special twinkle in his Jungkookie's big round eyes.

Jungkook didn't contact him a single time after that day.

For nearly over four years, Seokjin regretted the dumb things he said or even thought back then. Things could've gone so much better for him and even for Jungkook. He felt so dumb for the wasted opportunity after he lost everything for good— especially after losing Jungkook as a friend at least.

He remembers after a month of Jungkook not texting him, after a month of not seeing Jungkook at Hoseok's apartment anymore, or not hanging out with Seokjin at all— the realization hit him like a truck one night as he was waiting for Jungkook to text him or call him or just be there with him whether it be in his arms or just there in general.

He remembers that night, how his body trembled and he collapsed into his hands, bursting out bottled-up tears and crying helplessly as he realized just how much he really liked Jeon Jungkook.

It took an entire week after his realization that Jungkook was no longer his friend or anything at all before he finally came out of hibernation from his bedroom. Yoongi was the one who dragged him out of bed and Hoseok was the one string of hope waiting for him in the living room.

"Hyung, I haven't seen you in forever!"

"It's only been two weeks since I last saw you," Seokjin deadpanned.

It was also then that Hoseok gave him a worried look and Yoongi stood there in silence, giving a knowing frown. Seokjin knew that Hoseok probably understood what was going on because he took him out for ice cream and tried to cheer him up all day.

But one day of temporary joy didn't help Seokjin for four years.

Four entire years. Nearly five now.

Seokjin has never liked someone so much in his life. He didn't even truly know how much he liked Jungkook, either. Maybe he should've known from the beginning. The beginning, from where he first saw the cute, shy boy walk in, and how comfortable they got with each other without even trying.

He should've known by the warm sensation and butterflies in his tummy every time he'd even thought about Jungkook.

He just... should've known.

After all these years, he did exactly what he set out to do when he parted ways with Jungkook. He got back on his studying track, fixed his sleeping schedule, and started taking assignments more seriously. He even started studying with Namjoon and going with him to the library.

He graduated with good grades and ended up getting another apartment in the city with Yoongi, the two finally graduating from the small university apartment and instead upgrading to a nicer city apartment. He started his career working at a bakery close by and life had never been easier.

Easy, but lonely.

Even after all these years, he couldn't find time for dating or find interest in anyone who wasn't big round eyes, cute in all black, and named Jeon Jungkook.

That's all his memory allows him to remember about Jungkook. He refuses to look Jungkook up on any social media, especially after he'd realized that Jungkook unfriended him on every last app he could find.

The only thing he has is selfies or photos that they took together and it hurts so much to look back on them. It hurts every time he sees a photo of them holding hands, which he snuck into his camera roll. It hurts every time he sees Jungkook's crinkled up nose and pretty eyes sparkling even through the screen.

God, what did I do?

He wishes that someone would've told him to either just slowly drift into not hanging out with Jungkook as much as he was or simply tell Jungkook that he didn't mean a word he said and that he misses him like crazy.

Why did he jump on board and end things like that? With no real thought into it? He didn't think that Jungkook would end their friendship, though. He didn't think he'd hurt Jungkook as much as he did and he sure as hell didn't think he'd hurt as much as he did— does.

But it's too late now.

It's too late for wishing and hoping for better things. He's lost Jungkook and that's that. It's been that for years now. Seokjin wishes he can just get over it. He wishes he can just forget and start with someone new.

———

It's coming up on the fifth year since Seokjin has seen Jungkook. He's even seen Taehyung and Jimin, who are Jungkook's best friends. They've seen each other because of Hoseok maybe once or twice, and on campus as well. They stare daggers into Seokjin every single time they're near.

It'll be fall soon and for some damn reason, all Seokjin can think about is the fact that he never got to celebrate Jungkook's birthday with him like he'd promised him he would.

Fuck, think about something else for once.

Seokjin usually distracts himself by playing video games or watching videos to learn new baking techniques, but today he figures he can try something else instead.

It's innocent, going to the cafe that he and Jungkook used to hang out at. After all, it's Seokjin's favorite cafe because their sweets and their sandwich recipes were uniquely written by the old lady who owns the cafe— Seokjin had spoken with her many times before and he loves going there.

He hasn't been in months and even when he does go, it's only if he's craving it and he rushes out every time.

Not this time.

This time, Seokjin goes in with a mission. He's going to sit in that cafe and force himself to not think about anyone. He's going to break the curse of constantly thinking of him.

So, he gets one of the famous sandwiches and a delicious iced tea and he sits right in the spot that he usually does, at the table by the big window. There aren't many people here because it's Seokjin's day off and he purposely chose a not-so-busy time to come so he could enjoy himself.

It's nice being here again.

The entrance bell rings.

Too curious for his own good, Seokjin glances over to the door. The first thing he sees is a black umbrella being closed because it's raining lightly outside, and he sees only the back of a man's head as he sets the umbrella beside the door. But Seokjin's heart starts to race as he thinks wow, that kind of looks like Jungkook.

Of course, he thinks that. He's thought that about every other man with similar figures or similar hair as Jungkook— even if they look nothing like him.

Even this guy looks nothing like Jungkook. He looks taller and has more muscle than Jungkook. He has tattoos up his arm and he's much more broad from the back, nothing like cute little Jungkook. He is wearing all black, though. And those black boots...

The man turns to face the front counter of the cafe and Seokjin stops breathing as he merely walks up to order.

Seokjin feels like he has to squint to see better, and so he does. This man has on similar clothes to what Jungkook would wear and the boots are something that Jungkook used to live by, but there's no way this is him.

He's so tall, so broad and muscly, his hair is longer- it's wavy instead of straightened, and he's got black tattoos and dark piercings lined up his ear as far as Seokjin can see.

"My regular, please."

Seokjin holds tight onto his coffee cup and he keeps his eye on the man because his voice is too quiet and too far away to tell if it's Jungkook's. If only he could see his face better, he'd really know if it's him or not. Just one more glance at his face and he'd be able to tell.

"Thank you."

The man takes his coffee and sandwich and Seokjin can't help but think, as he looks down at his own, that it's the same order— the one they would sometimes share together. Years ago.

He looks back up.

And his heart clenches once the man turns towards him and he looks right where Seokjin is staring at him from, their eyes meeting immediately— his familiar dark brown, big round eyes meeting Seokjin's.

Seokjin knows now.

He knows now as Jeon Jungkook halts in his step. He knows that it's him when those eyes stare hard into him from across the cafe. It's him. It's really him.

"Jungkook-ah?" he mouths to the younger, wanting to make sure he's seeing him and it's not some crazy imagination or another dream.

Jungkook looks so different.

He's not just some freshman straight into college. His face isn't as boyish, even if Seokjin thought that he'd look that way forever. He turned twenty about three years ago, if Seokjin remembers correctly. It's obvious that Jungkook was going to grow and change more— even Seokjin had— but Jungkook grew into his muscles and his face is much sharper, less round.

He's so... grown.

All the things he saw and more. Seokjin never knew he'd see cutie Jeon Jungkook with a sleeve of tattoos on his arm. He never knew he'd come face to face with Jungkook after five years to see a hoop lip piercing at the corner of his mouth or a pierced eyebrow. He didn't know Jungkook could gain even more muscles or grow taller, impossibly fit and impossibly hotter.

Because damn, he's hot.

He's not Seokjin's cute, shy little Jungkookie anymore— especially not as the younger comes walking towards him with no shy bite to his lip and no avoiding his eyes at all.

"Hi," he says once he gets close enough to Seokjin's table. The older is still staring, speechless as Jungkook places his food and drink down close to his own. "It's been a while. Mind if I sit?"

Seokjin quickly forces himself out of his trance and allows Jungkook to sit with him, his heart beating insanely fast as for the first time in five years, Jungkook pulls his chair from across him and they're really sitting together after so long of Seokjin missing just this.

He's really here with me.

"You look so different," Jungkook says as he unwraps his sandwich. Seokjin gawks at him at his statement.

"You're saying I look different? Really? I hardly even noticed who you were when you walked in, Jungkook. You look almost completely different."

But as his lips curve up and his eyes crinkle up, Seokjin sees that not everything has changed. His smile is exactly the same as it was before and it makes him melt in his chair.

"I only changed a little."

Seokjin disagrees hard. As someone who's thought about cutie Jungkook for so long now, this type of Jeon Jungkook was not what he was expecting to see at all. "From my perspective, you've changed a lot more than you may think. I-In a good way, of course," he quickly adds. "I haven't seen you in years, Jungkook-ah. It kind of feels unreal."

"Unreal," Jungkook repeats quietly. He merely glares down at his sandwich as if he hardly wants to eat it. "It is unreal."

Seokjin doesn't like the silence that follows after. But instead of ruining things like he did the last time they were here together, he clears his throat and straightens his posture. "Uh, hey.. Listen, I know I ruined our friendship back then, Jungkook." The younger's head tilts up and his gaze worries into Seokjin. "I'm so sorry. I didn't want to lose you back then, Jungkook. Not like that- not at all."

Jungkook lets out a sigh and he deflates into his chair. He doesn't look at Seokjin as he brushes along his tatted-up arm.

"I didn't want to lose you either," he mumbles, then his throat bobs up as he swallows hard. "You were a really good friend, hyung. It's such a shame things didn't go so well, huh?"

Seokjin gulps as well when he notices the slightly bitter tone in Jungkook's voice.

He's mad at you.

"Jungkook, I-I'm seriously sorry for ruining our friendship and being such an idiot. For years, I regretted not being a good friend to you at least. I just really want our friendship back. I miss it so much, to be honest."

And I miss you.

Jungkook frowns down at his uneaten sandwich. "You're the reason I ended our friendship," he reminds Seokjin and it feels like knives jabbing into his heart and soul. "But I miss it too. I miss the seven of us hanging out together. I miss cooking and playing games with you."

"We can start again," Seokjin quickly tells him. "We can be friends and do everything we used to, Jungkook. I-If you'll accept my apology, of course."

The younger sighs out again. Seokjin feels like Jungkook isn't sure what to say, with the way he frowns, but he soon nods in agreement.

"I'm willing to retry if you honestly care enough this time."

After five years, Seokjin has never felt so lifted. So hopeful. His shoulders feel so light and he can't help but smile up at the older and more mature Jeon Jungkook. He never thought he'd be able to smile at him again.

"I'll be an amazing friend, Jungkook-ah. You don't have to worry about a thing."

———

So many things go unsaid once Seokjin and Jungkook start over.

Seokjin doesn't get to say the things he wishes he could. The way he wishes he could tell Jungkook how much he truly missed him, how he'd regretted not following through and being with him, and regretted losing a friend. He wants to tell Jungkook just how amazing he looks without looking so weird, to tell him he misses holding hands, misses being wrapped up in his arms and talking until they both grow sleepy.

But things are different now.

Jungkook has changed in appearance a lot, so he can't imagine just how much he's changed in personality as he's matured. He can't imagine how much Jungkook's learned and how many memories he's made that Seokjin knows nothing about now.

He wants to know it all, but he has no right to.

Instead of pushing and rushing friendship onto Jungkook, they start out much slower than they did to begin with.

They get together as seven again for the first time in a long time. Jungkook's friends don't glare as much as they used to, but they stay by Jungkook's side and don't allow Seokjin too close— not that he was trying to be in the first place. He wants to go slow and give Jungkook his space.

Between their group visits at Hoseok's place, they text every once in a while and it's all small talk even though Seokjin misses their carefree and open conversations that could last hours at a time. It's not the same as it was before and he knows why.

They'll never recover, he knows.

He'll never have another chance with Jungkook— not the same chance he had to begin with.

Before, he had everything. He had butterflies in his tummy and he felt so free every time he was with Jungkook. He'd never felt so free in his life, back then. Sweet smiles, playing around and laughing about it, holding hands while talking about the drama they were watching, and every little knowing gaze they'd give each other when the moment grew silent and Seokjin should've just kissed him then.

Seokjin didn't know it then, how much he really liked Jungkook. He didn't realize until it was all gone.

But now, even with him back in his life, it just doesn't feel the same. Their smiles are genuine most times, but Seokjin can tell when Jungkook forces one. He can tell that Jungkook hesitates to say things and hesitates to do certain things— because he's doing the same exact thing.

Seokjin swallows back words threatening to spill out all the time. He stops himself from the simplest of touches, including brushing hands if possible. He so badly wants to keep himself from hurting Jungkook or himself again, but it only hurts worse every time he catches and stops himself from being too close to him.

After five years of longing for him, he just wants to hug Jungkook.

So badly.

And days like today, when Seokjin invites Jungkook over for dinner with him and Yoongi, it feels even worse.

After they eat, Yoongi tells them he's heading off to bed because he has work early in the morning. It's just Seokjin and Jungkook alone in the living room, but Jungkook sits on the opposite end of the couch and Seokjin's heart feels so heavy as they talk under the low volume of the TV.

"You know, hyung." Jungkook isn't even looking at him. He's nibbling at his lip and Seokjin wants to reach out to stop him from harming himself, but he can't. "You haven't changed much at all, I've noticed. I mean you have, but not as much as I would've thought. It's just... you seem so quiet now."

He's quiet because Jungkook's sitting in his apartment, not because he's gotten quiet over the years.

"I don't mean to be," Seokjin tells him. "It's because I have too much to say, Jungkook. Don't wanna talk so much."

Jungkook hums in response. "But hyung, you can talk all you want to. I don't want you to stop being you."

"It's not because of me," Seokjin blurts out too quickly. His head drops as he feels Jungkook's eyes focus over on him. "I- I mean it is. It is because of me, but— I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable."

"I won't be. Try me, hyung."

But Jungkook doesn't understand. He doesn't understand that if Seokjin speaks, he'll end up saying all the things he's wanted to for forever now. He doesn't understand how easily Seokjin could fumble under his gaze. He doesn't understand how intimidatingly hot he is or how much Seokjin has longed for him to be in his arms again.

"Okay," he mumbles anyway. "I'll open up more. I'm sorry."

He'll just have to try his best. He won't say anything too crazy or spill his feelings. Jungkook just wants to be friends and Seokjin needs to stop being so awkward— that's it. That's what Jungkook wants.

So, that's what he'll get.

———

"Drink?"

Jungkook holds both of his hands out in front of him and gives Seokjin puppy dog eyes, devilish as he glances over at Seokjin's soda. Seokjin tsks at him, but pushes his drink over the cafe table for him to sip from.

"You should've ordered a drink," he tells the younger as he cheekily sips through Seokjin's straw. Seokjin tries to ignore the fluttering feeling in his tummy as he watches Jungkook smile in return.

Jungkook says nothing as he sets the drink in between their meals to share. Seokjin's heart feels funny so he says nothing more about the drink, not complaining. He's always let Jungkook get away with this sort of thing. That exact cheeky smile and Jungkook's enjoyment makes it worth it.

He tries to be careful about it though.

He tries to push away the fact that he likes it so much. He tries to not like Jungkook as much, but it's so hard.

It's been years. Jungkook has moved on from the past and he needs to as well. He's a bad friend for even thinking these things— for thinking that Jungkook could've saved a spot in his heart for him. He knows it's unfair and he knows it's too late to want that.

There's no chance.

Jungkook is hot, young, and so loveable. There's no way there aren't people who like him just as much as Seokjin does. And unlike Seokjin, Jungkook told him that he's been on a few dates over the years. Unlike Seokjin, Jungkook's moved on from whatever it was that they had going on.

A part of Seokjin even wonders if it was just him who felt it then.

Was everything they did all platonic anyways? Did Jungkook stop being his friend because he didn't want Seokjin to like him? Was it pity? Was it all in Seokjin's imagination? Did Jungkook even like him back?

They never really talked about it. They weren't dating, never confessed, and never even talked about dating each other. It was all natural and went without saying, with the way they were easing into things. Seokjin didn't even get the chance back then to confess, so there's no reason for him to do it now.

His chance is gone and all he can hold onto is friendship.

So, he holds on tight.

———

One night, the boys all go out for drinks. It's Jimin's idea and surprisingly, he's the one who texts Seokjin and asks him to come, to bring Yoongi as well.

So, he and Yoongi show up at the bar together. The place is small and people are dancing around, some with drinks in their hands. It's all dark and Seokjin can hardly see, but what he does eventually see leaves him gawking.

Jungkook is dressed in black leather pants and a silky black shirt— Seokjin might as well just go home because all he can do is stare at Jungkook all night long and it's so embarrassing. He especially stares when Jungkook sits next to him at the bar, all close-up and gorgeous under the red LED lights. He's had two drinks so far but he feels drunk on Jungkook's presence.

"I'm hoping Yoongi hyung's driving you back home tonight?" Jungkook asks as he glances over at Yoongi, who's at the end of the bar, drinking a glass of water next to Taehyung and Jimin— they're probably talking his head off right now.

"Sure is. He told me he would."

"Good," Jungkook says with a little nod. "Wouldn't want anything bad to happen to you if you planned on driving—"

"Excuse me!" A woman suddenly fits herself between Jungkook and Seokjin, leaning over the bar and ordering a drink. She's got her ass right in their face and the two look at her like she's crazy for interrupting them so abruptly.

Seokjin figures that she saw Jungkook from across the bar and wants to show off her outfit, and she's probably about to flirt with him as well. She's got on an extremely short leather skirt and a matching crop top, with stockings on. She looks very trendy and kind of matches Jungkook, which only makes Seokjin narrow his eyes in annoyance.

She moves back and looks down at the two men once she's got her drink in her hand. "I'm sorry, did I interrupt something?" she asks, then scans over Seokjin unsubtly. He's extremely confused as she gleams at him with a suggestive look in her eyes. "You're really hot. Did you come here alone?"

Seokjin's eyes widen in surprise.

"Wait I-I'm hot? Me?"

The woman laughs at his expression. "Duh!" She reaches out to his coat and pulls it open to reveal more of his outfit, which is just some slacks and a button-up. He's dressed too fancy to be at this bar and too fancy to be called hot. "You're like- a wet dream—"

"He's here with me." Jungkook holds his hand between Seokjin and the woman, who backs away in surprise. Seokjin thinks he couldn't be in any more shock, but Jungkook proves him wrong. He's not even looking at Seokjin, but instead eyeing the woman.

"Oh," she lets out, then rushes to say, "I'm so sorry! I didn't know!"

"It's fine," Jungkook says.

He's staring so hard at her that she ends up shying away from her direct flirting. She walks away, leaving them to it, and Seokjin feels like he's drunk too much yet feels so sober.

Did Jungkook just do that because he thought Seokjin was uncomfortable or something? He basically just caused Seokjin to lose a chance with someone— even though he didn't want that someone. He didn't even ask, though!

"Um."

"Try this drink, hyung." Jungkook held out his glass, ignoring what just happened. Maybe he was just shooing her away innocently or because she rudely interrupted their conversation.

Seokjin tries his fruity drink and doesn't question it any more than he should. He can't get his hopes up in any way. He refuses to believe his heart's lies and he refuses to believe that Jungkook would be jealous enough to stop someone from asking Seokjin out.

Jungkook wouldn't do that.

Seokjin's chance was five years ago. He needs to let it go.

Seokjin woke up with a headache and multiple messages from Jungkook asking if he'd gotten home safely last night.

Every time he sees a text from Jungkook, his heart tightens and he holds his breath as he reads over it. But these texts specifically make his heart ache heavily in his chest.

He cares too much for someone who hurt him years ago.

Seokjin sighs to himself as he looks at the messages. He sends a quick reply and then throws his phone onto his bed to avoid having any more of those nasty thoughts that constantly fill his mind.

———

It sucks.

Seokjin and Jungkook are hanging out at the cafe for lunch and it sucks so bad when a familiar song plays over the cafe speakers. It hasn't played since they've been here together recently, but it's a song that they used to sing together every time it came on— a very popular song at the time.

When the first piano note plays, Jungkook peeks up at Seokjin and he eyes him back. Memories of the love song play through Seokjin's mind as it plays; Jungkook used to hum this song sometimes when they cuddled and they used to tease each other by singing the song— Seokjin used to turn red no matter what when Jungkook would look him in the eyes and sing such romantic words to him.

Today, however, his gut twists as Jungkook clears his throat and turns his attention back to his meal.

It'll never be the same.

Moments like that keep happening, too. The things that used to be normal have them both scared and timid, like the way Seokjin refuses to touch Jungkook in any way or the way they don't playfully nudge each other or poke at each other just for fun— they even stopped play fighting like they used to do, and it always brought Jungkook's giggles.

He wants Jungkook's giggles back.

You're the one who stopped it. You're the one who ruined it.

"Hyung! Hyung!" Jungkook's excited voice and his hands tugging eagerly at his arm bring him out of his thoughts.

They're sitting next to each other on Seokjin's couch and he didn't even notice that Jungkook had taken his phone out, seeming to look at a notification. Confused, Seokjin tilts his head, but then looks down at Jungkook's hand that's still on him.

"Huh?"

"I got a promotion at work!" Jungkook exclaims as he holds tighter onto his arm. "I've been working like crazy for it, hyung. They finally promoted me!"

Seokjin smiles at his excitement and the pure happiness in his expression. "That's great, Jungkook-ah." He inches his hand towards Jungkook's, but he's too slow because Jungkook catches himself and lets out a little oh before rushing his hands back to his side.

"Sorry," he mumbles his apology.

Seokjin rushes just as quickly to reach out for Jungkook's hands again. "No, no. It's okay. I'm proud of you," he says as he gently squeezes the younger's hands. It's such a light touch, yet Seokjin can feel how hot his ears are by something so simple. They're most likely red. He's blushing too hard for his own actions.

But Jungkook stares at their hands for a moment before retracting his own and quietly scooting away. It makes Seokjin tense up, the harsh twist in his heart as Jungkook looks away and clenches his hands nervously over his lap.

"You don't have to be so nice to me, you know."

What?

"What do you mean?" Seokjin asks, his voice light and smaller than usual. "I- I just want you to know I'm happy for you. Did I do too much?"

"Did you do too much?" Jungkook repeats with an exasperated huff. Though Seokjin doesn't understand, Jungkook continues, "I don't know. I just don't know what to do anymore, hyung. I'm sorry."

A heavy feeling settles over Seokjin as Jungkook apologizes for no reason. "Jungkook, why are you saying sorry? I don't get it."

"I don't get it either, hyung. It feels like I'm walking on eggshells with you. Is it just me? Am I the only one being weird here?"

Shit.

Jungkook feels it too. Great.

"I'm the one sorry, then." Seokjin frowns deeply as Jungkook does too. "I'm the reason things feel so awkward between us. I don't mean to—"

"No, hyung. You don't understand." Jungkook brings his palms up to his face and groans. "I'm so annoyed with myself. I keep trying to hide my feelings and I just can't— it hurts to hide, hyung. It hurts so much." There's a pang in Seokjin's chest once Jungkook's voice breaks, shattering. It's so hard and extremely heartbreaking to listen to him breaking down, especially as he tells Seokjin he's hurting. He never wants Jungkook to be hurt.

"Jungkook..." He leans forward and presses his forehead into Jungkook's back, trying not to break as well. "Tell hyung what's hurting. I don't understand."

He can feel Jungkook sigh. "How can you not understand? Why? Because you didn't give me a chance before?" he asks coldly. Seokjin slowly pulls away from Jungkook and his eyes widen, but Jungkook still won't look at him. For the first time, Seokjin pulls at Jungkook's wrist to gain his attention, causing him to finally meet his eyes.

He has a hopeless look in his eyes and it reminds Seokjin of the day they stopped being friends— that day in the cafe that he'd lost him.

He doesn't want that again.

"You don't get it," Jungkook confirms with the older. "You pulled me in and made me fall in love with you just so you could crush my heart. You were everything I ever wanted and I thought you liked me too, but y-you just tossed me aside, hyung. Why? Why did you do that to me?" Tears string up in his eyes, making Seokjin's throat feel like it's swelling up with a tennis ball.

"I-In love with me? Jungkook—"

"You didn't even give me the chance," Jungkook cuts him off before he can question further. "I was so sure you liked me back and I was planning on telling you how I felt. Do you know how embarrassing it is to have someone flirt with you like some useless toy, hyung? Was that all I was to you?"

"No! Jungkook, no... You're right, I did like you. I liked you too much," Seokjin tells him, ignoring how weak his own voice sounds. "I liked you so much that I started failing everything. I just needed to focus on school and I didn't want either of us to get hurt. I promise that I liked you. I- I never stopped liking you."

Jungkook's shoulders drop, untensing. "What..? You were failing? School?"

"I was." Seokjin's head drops in shame. "I couldn't keep risking my grades just because I liked you. I was too crazy over you and I got carried away. And you were still so young, Jungkook-ah. I didn't think you'd wanna be stuck with me anyways and I was about to graduate, so I just didn't want to waste our time or let things go too far."

"It already went too far," Jungkook huffed in irritation. "I'm still in love with you, you jerk."

Seokjin's eyes widen at him. "Still?"

Jungkook exhaustedly chuckles and then rolls his eyes playfully. Seokjin is still in shock, but he feels completely numb as the younger leans in closer and wraps his arms around his back, pulling him closer until they're inches apart. Seokjin holds his breath and his heart is beating impossibly fast in his chest.

"I still love you, dummy."

He melts into Jungkook's hold— something he's wanted for so long now. He might just cry. "God, I'm so in love with you too, Jeon Jungkook. I thought I'd never get to say that. I'm so sorry for making you think anything other than that, cause fuck, I love you."

Jungkook giggles and grins at Seokjin and the older smiles back, but his smile falls the moment Jungkook closes the gap between them, giving him no chance to think before Seokjin's being kissed and held at the same time.

It feels like a miracle to have Jungkook's soft pink lips press against his. A miracle to feel Jungkook's palms pull him in, gentle on his lower back as he kisses him back. A miracle to have the one person he's waited for five years to have and hold again.

Jungkook is here. He's in love with him. They're in love with each other. That's all Seokjin's ever dreamt of having.

Seokjin is the one to pull away from the kiss, but Jungkook follows it up by crawling onto him, wrapping his arms tight around Seokjin and forcing him back into the couch for cuddles.

"I missed you so much," the younger announces as he tangles his legs between Seokjins. He kisses Seokjin's cheek over and over again. "You're so cute, hyung. Your ears are turning red because of me and I love it."

"You've gotten a lot less shy." Seokjin pouts as Jungkook giggles, but his pout turns into a smile as Jungkook presses a kiss at the top of his red hot ear. "And a lot more touchy all of a sudden. I love it too, Jungkookie. I missed this so much, you don't even understand."

"Me too. So cuddle me and kiss me all night to make up for lost time."

Seokjin hums as he wraps his arms around Jungkook and holds tight onto the once soft muscle that is now too heavy on top of him, but he'd never say so. "I'm not letting you go. Never again. Kiss me more, please."

Jungkook kisses all over his cheek, jaw, ear, hair– anything in reach– and they both laugh the more he goes on with his physical love and affection.

Finally, Seokjin can feel whole again.

He was missing the one person who he really felt connected with and after five years, he's got not only his friend back, but he's so unashamedly in love with Jeon Jungkook and he can express it as much as he wants to without feeling guilty or bad about it.

He's never felt happier than now, as he holds Jeon Jungkook in his arms, and he plans to keep him there forever this time. He'll never let go again.

~~~~~

end

thanks for reading and thank you so much @/saorikins on twitter for commissioning this fic! i hope you liked it! 🥰

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