So I'm supposed to be asleep, but of course, tonight my insomnia decides to kick in, as it does at the worst possible times.

As some of you may know, I recently turned 15. Halfway to thirty, Yippee.

And I guess thinking of my age got me thinking, which is always dangerous. I stare up at my bedroom ceiling and I get lost in thought. And it's not always healthy.

One of my teacher's was talking about time a little while ago. He was talking about how from the day we are born, we only have limited time. And then he started blaming the youth about how we spend too much time behind a screen, and not enough enjoying life. I was getting pretty offended, because there was so much that I wanted to say.

If I had the money, do you think I would be wasting my life away behind a screen as I watch others succeed? Do you think I like spending my life in a horrible classroom, learning things that are irrelevant to my life? Do you think that i don't want to pursue my dreams?

I want to do so much.

But I'm only 15.

I think the worse part is, I don't know when I'm going to die. This could be my last day, this could be the middle of my life, the early years, first three quarters. I could be dead in two years. I don't know.

Maybe that's one of the good things.

Knowing about when you'll die will only set more restrictions, I would be spending my whole life trying to avoid that moment, dreading the day that I finally kick the bucket.

But then again, I'm spending my time contemplating death at the short age of 15.

I've given death a lot more thought than the average teen. I was suicidal at one point, most of you knew that. I would spend nights wishing for death, praying that I would be killed.

But now that I'm no longer desiring death, I'm in a good spot.

I think because I've stared death and it's inevitability so many times, that I no longer fear it.

I know that sounds weird, but I'm not afraid to die.

Maybe it's a form of depression, or maybe I'm still suicidal and I don't realise it yet, I dunno.

But I'm comfortable with the idea of my impending doom.

Maybe because I've thought of so many positive things when death knocks at my door?

I won't have to worry about anything.

No taxes.

No school.

No petty drama.

No useless emotions.

Death is like one big rest at the end of an eventful life.

That's why a lot of people like sleep, or at least, that's why I like it.

Because it's like being dead for a little while, without the commitment. You can escape reality, forget about all of your troubles, and it's like in that moment you don't exist.

But I also get that feeling at one in the morning.

When no one else in my house is awake. When the darkness surrounds me and the silence holds me close. I'm comfortable and happy in the darkness. It's like I don't even exist, as starlight gleams into my window, the light of the moon vaguely pushing it's way through the glass, creating a cold glow on the floor. The air is thick, like a blanket, but I can breathe fine, and it's not too hot nor too cold. Sometimes a cricket will sing, but soon it's song fades into the night until it becomes one and it feels silent again. When the only sound that I am making is the steady pattern of breathing.

To me, that is the true essence of tranquility. And there's nothing that I love more than that.

I am in that moment now, as I write this.

My breath is cold as it kisses my skin, and my hands type away mindlessly at these keys....I dunno, there's just something so beautiful about darkness. It's mysterious and strips you of vanities that you hold close. It's silent, waiting to listen to anything. Whether it be a confession, your sighs, your breathing, your cries, anything at all. The darkness is there to listen. It does not judge, nor does it speak back. It is just there.

I feel the same alone in the rain or snow. When I feel alone.

I like to be alone sometimes.

My life's kind of a mess right now, but I'm gonna try and put it back together.

Now I think I can finally get to sleep like I should have been doing an hour ago, don't go snitching and telling people I was awake. Sorry it got deeper than intended. I love you all devils, byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.