Chapter 2: England got along fine before I was born. And England will remain England long after I am gone

In the large room with glass windows overlooking the Thames, there was a small woman sitting on a desk in the corner of the room. In front of her were at least five stacks of numbered files. Tired, she raised her hand to take off her glasses and decided to rest for a while. Suddenly there was a knock on the door. She raised her voice.

"Come in, please."

Mycroft turned the doorknob and stepped in. He smiled at her.

"Alicia."

"Mycroft."

They looked at each other without saying anything. Lady Smallwood felt her eyes blur, and an emotion suddenly came over her that made it hard to restrain. She looked at the man who was younger but always so reliable and had been her source of support for many years, both at work and in times of difficulty in her personal life. There was always Mycroft standing up to take matters in his own hands. Lady Smallwood got up and walked over, paused for a moment, then resolutely embraced Mycroft with a tight hug.

"Mycroft, what really happened?"

Taken by surprise, Mycroft froze and then he gently grasped Lady Smallwood's shoulder. He said slowly.

"Alicia, they aimed at Sherlock. I could not do otherwise. I have some favors to ask of you."

Lady Smallwood raised her hand to wipe her tears. She stood back, looked Mycroft in the face for a moment, then headed for the conference table in the middle of the room.

"Sit here and tell me the whole story, Mycroft."

Mycroft followed the small but determined woman. He had always admired her, with a bit of affection that was gently building up over so many years. Working together since Mycroft started as a small officer of the British intelligence service, until now, nearly twenty-two years had passed.

Mycroft sat down in a chair beside Lady Smallwood. It was a long round oval table, with a tall oak top. He just didn't know where to start. Reaching into his chest pocket, he pulled out a small notebook, some entrance cards, and a small gold badge. Putting them neatly on the tabletop, Mycroft was silent for a moment, then he began.

"Alicia. First of all, I thank you for allowing me to meet you before talking about this with the cabinet. Yes, I will take full responsibility for this failure. I could have stopped that plane from crashing but I didn't."

Hesitating for a moment, Mycroft bent down to look at his clenched fists on the table, and continued:

"This whole attack was indeed a suicide plan, as they hijacked the plane and intended to crash it, but then there actually was a way to cancel it. That evening, they contacted me through a computer code, they did not call or use email for fear that I would track out, there were only the lines of code appeared under an anonymous video on the internet. The lines of code were intentionally bugged, I found the error and recognized their message. Sherlocks or HS121. I was surprised when realized that message."

Lady Smallwood was shocked, she still stared at Mycroft, but he didn't look up.

"Right. I was negligent, it turned out that Sherlock and John were already in their sights. The two did not know anything about this. He sent me five pictures of Sherlock from different angles, at the same time, probably five snipers already in position. I tried to call Sherlock but he hacked his phone, and John's too, they couldn't be reached. Maybe they didn't even realize that their phones suddenly lost signal, nor did they use their phones that often. He gave me 5 minutes to decide, by then the plane had already taken off, just out of the residential area."

Lady Smallwood pursed her lips, not knowing what to say. When Mycroft called her to say that he would take full responsibility for the plane crash, she thought it had to do with Mycroft's inability to react quickly enough to prevent the crash from happening. She absolutely didn't think he had a choice. Like this. Mycroft gritted his teeth, trying to force himself to continue.

"I commented on that video the word Sherlock. And a minute later the plane crashed. Alicia, before you order my arrest, I want to ask you one last favor."

"I'm not doing that, Mycroft."

"I would like to ask for your consent so that from now on Sherlock can take the lead in matters involving Eurus. I'm afraid they'll change their mind, wanting to withdraw the privileges and protections for her when they know she is no longer helping them with her current state of mind."

"... Mycroft, I won't arrest you. You didn't kill people. It might be... being irresponsible at work leads to serious consequences, but that is not murder."

"No need to protect me Alicia, we all know what kind of person I am. They died by my own choice. I just didn't kill them myself, but it makes no difference."

"There was actually not a choice. Mycroft, in that position anyone would choose selfishly..."

Mycroft interrupted Lady Smallwood:

"No... I knew I wouldn't be able to go on without taking full responsibility for this choice I made. Or rather, only the dead can be forgiven for not being able to choose. I came here today to say goodbye, Alicia."

Lady Smallwood jumped up from her chair, stunned.

"What did you just say, Mycroft, how can someone like you say such things?"

Mycroft looked up into the eyes of his colleague from years past. He saw her panic, but without saying anything, he got up to the window and turned his back to her.

"There are things we can try to get over, and there are things we can't. More than anyone else, you must understand that I would not be able to continue living with this repentance, which would drown me one way or another. I'm not allowed to think about myself, or how my close ones will feel, I'm not allowed to worry about it anymore, Alicia. What I did to so many innocent people, and their families, forced me to pay with blood debt."

She stepped closer to Mycroft, looking at the lonely man's back, she wanted to hug him. But then she just put her right hand on his back.

"Mycroft!"

Without turning around, he smiled at his colleague's sudden emotional action.

"Alicia, please don't tell Sherlock about this real reason. If he asks... please tell him my death was simply due to shame and guilt when I couldn't stop the plane from crashing. Don't mention that I had a choice... Alicia, and you too, please think that I was dead before that plane crashed, though I'm being selfish but I really hope that in your memory I could still be a reliable one as before."

Lady Smallwood couldn't hold back her tears anymore, she rested her head on Mycroft's back and her tears flowed down, onto the floor.

"How many people have you saved? Mycroft, how many people have you saved over the past... twenty two years? Don't let this affect you. You can still redeem yourself."

"I could save another million people, that won't make these one hundred and eighteen people and their families any less angry with me, Alicia. I really don't have the strength anymore, I feel like I've reached my limit, I want to stop, Alicia. Isn't that so, bad people can choose to stop doing bad things, but people like us, once we have done bad things, we will not be able to accept ourselves anymore."

"... What are you going to do, Mycroft?"

"In the past few days, I have found the organization and handled the people behind this. Of course, we won't be able to kill them all, there will always be one after another, Alicia, I really hope you will soon find someone to replace me. I feel bad that I can't be with you anymore. You won't see me again after today, and I really don't expect a funeral, but if Sherlock or my parents insist, I hope you won't attend. I don't deserve anyone's last respect. Let today be our farewell, okay?"

Lady Smallwood put her arms around him

"No..."

He froze, momentarily unsure whether to stay still or return to the hug.

"Sorry Alicia, for letting you down. I made a selfish choice. At that time, I didn't think about anyone's disappointment, nor did I think about the victims. All I knew is that I couldn't choose to kill Sherlock."

"Does anyone else know about this, Mycroft?"

"No one, not even Anthea. If possible, please don't tell her. She will work better with the motivation to try to make up for my mistakes, but pitying me won't help her."

"Sherlock won't get through this, Mycroft."

"He will have to get over it because there is no other way... Maybe, he will never forgive me. Either ways, having a cowardly brother who chooses death as his way out, or a bloody handed brother who still insists on living, I think it's all equally bad. So, I want to choose whichever path is more comfortable for me. Isn't this more reasonable, Alicia?"

Then he decided to turn around and hug the small woman.

"I'm sorry Alicia for making you endure all this. I really appreciate you so much that I can't help telling you the truth. I'm sorry, I've always been grateful for the time I spent working with you. Now that I still have to rely on your help, I really hope I can think of a way to return the favor."

"You can, Mycroft. You can live."

"Sorry Alicia, let me be selfish this final time. I loathe myself; I can't live with this feeling any longer. All these years, you must understand me better than anyone, I do not simply want to kill myself due to depression, no, I am completely rational, and I know this is the best path I can take. It's better than living without being me anymore, when my own self, every moral values, work ethics I ever believed in – none of them I can still keep, what use will I be to this society? Think, Alicia, and don't stop me. I know you knows me well enough to not stopping me, that's why I dared to come here today and say these words. It feels so much lighter to tell you, thank you. Alicia, goodbye. I hope you will get over this very soon."

He turned and walked fast away, not daring to turn his back, afraid to see the pain in Lady Smallwood's eyes. She still stood there, as if she knew that even if she pursued and kept him stay, she could not change this determined man's mind. Mycroft - he'd never made a decision based on his feelings, except when it came to family matters, and this time she was surprised when Mycroft told her everything. Perhaps this is the last surprise. Lady Smallwood quietly wiped her tears, she heard the footsteps faded away, then she collapsed to the floor, she could cry out loud now. Mycroft, farewell.