PROLOGUE
hurting just to love you
　

　
　
Langley, Virginia　
October 2003　
　
　

THERE WASN'T A SHRED OF DOUBT IN THE WORLD THAT ANITA LEVINE LOVED HER JOB. Being an IMF Agent made her happier than she's ever been in her entire life. It made all her dreams of chasing the bad guys like in the action movies she grew up watching with her father every Friday night come true. But no matter how much she loved to save lives and make the world a better place, her childhood dream came at a cost.

Her hands were dripping with the amount of people she was forced to kill in order to successfully complete her missions, and although Anita always tried to reassure herself that those people didn't deserve to live with the things they had done — or the things they planned to do before she had gotten in their way — it didn't make sleeping at night any easier for her.

Anita was plagued by death every time she laid down and closed her eyes. She saw the faces of every man and woman she had killed in her dreams almost every single night. Their ghosts haunted her, and she knew that she would most likely take them to her own grave.

This morning was no different than any other.

Her skin was slick with a thin layer of sweat and her brows twitched, incoherent mumbles tumbling from her lips and echoing throughout her empty apartment. She could hear gunfire, and there were images of blood and bodies flashing behind her closed eyelids. But when she heard a knock on her front door, it was as though someone had flipped a lightswitch.

Anita jolted awake at the sound and upon instinct, reached for the loaded pistol hidden beneath her pillow. She breathed for a moment, listening for the sound again to make sure she wasn't just hearing things, and when she heard it again, she threw the blanket off her body and made her way down the hall toward the front door.

She looked through the peephole and her heart leapt in her chest at the sight of him standing out in the hallway.

Anita set her gun down before unlocking and opening the door, greeting him with a smile as their eyes met. "Ethan," she said. "What are you doing here?"

"Good to see you, too," he greeted teasingly.

She rolled her eyes and motioned for him to come inside. He closed the door behind them and followed her into the kitchen. "If I had known you were dropping by, I would have put on a pot of coffee. But I'm afraid I only just woke up, so you'll have to wait."

"Long night?" Ethan asked, leaning against the doorway of the kitchen.

Anita nodded as she got to work brewing some coffee for them. "Long flight," she corrected. "Remind me to never accept a mission in Thailand ever again. The mission was exhausting enough, but the flight?" She groaned. "Don't even get me started."

Ethan laughed softly. "I'll be sure to remember that."

"So, what are you doing here anyway?" Anita asked, turning around to face him as she leaned back against the counter. Behind her, the coffee was already beginning to brew. "Did I miss a briefing at work for a new case or something?"

Ethan's entire demeanor changed with her words. Something which didn't go unnoticed, as Anita stared back at him with slightly narrowed eyes and folded arms.

She had always been more observant than most, even when she was a baby, or at least according to her mother. And Ethan had always been the easiest to read — aside from her family, of course — because she knew him better than anyone else at the IMF. It was obvious something was troubling him, she just couldn't tell what.

"Well, out with it," she urged.

"Maybe you should sit down," Ethan suggested, his voice much softer than before, which only worried her even more.

What was so difficult to say?

Anita stared at him for a long moment before she nodded and hesitantly sat down at the small, round table in the center of her kitchen. "Ethan, what's going on?"

Ethan held her gaze for the longest moment before he pulled out the chair opposite of her and sat down at the table. His lips opened and closed multiple times, as though he was trying to find the right words to say.

"Is someone dead?" Anita asked.

Immediately, his green eyes darted up from the table where they had drifted, and he shook his head. "No," he said quickly. "No, that's not it."

"Then what?" Anita asked with some impatience. The longer he kept her waiting, the more concerned she became over what was obviously troubling him. "You're worrying me, Ethan."

"What I'm going to tell you," he began before pausing for a moment to lick his dry lips. "It's going to be hard for you to hear. But I needed you to hear it from me and not someone else."

Anita's throat immediately dried up and she found herself rendered speechless. His words repeated in her head like a broken record, and the more she thought about what he said, she realized what he was implying.

But I needed you to hear it from me and not someone else.

That's what every man said before they broke the bad news and told their wife about their affair or told their girlfriend that they cheated on them. And even though Anita was neither of those things to Ethan Hunt, she was at the very least, the woman he loved.

Anita leaned back in her chair as she waited for the inevitable bomb to drop. For Ethan to say that he had found someone else, even after they had confessed their feelings and agreed that mixing romance with work would only compromise their jobs. That crossing such a line would lead to distractions on missions and possibly get someone killed.

"We . . . we aren't going to be field partners anymore, Ani," Ethan finally managed to get out after a moment.

She was confused. "W-What?"

"Now, I-I know this is coming out of nowhere, but it's something I've been thinking about for a while now," Ethan continued. "I can't be out in the field anymore. But I'm not leaving the IMF. I'll still work there. We just . . . we won't be in the same department anymore."

"Why?" Anita asked. She could feel a lump forming in the back of her throat. "Is it because of us?"

Ethan's eyes softened and he shook his head as he reached out across the table to hold her hand in his own, gently brushing his thumb over her knuckles. "No, it's not because of you. It's not because of us."

"Then why? We're damn good together, Ethan," Anita said, her voice breaking slightly. She cleared her throat. "There's never been a better partnership than ours in the IMF. Why ruin that? Why leave the field when you know it's where we belong?"

"Because . . ." Ethan trailed off, once more searching for the right words to say and leaving her hanging there on the edge of a cliff, waiting for his next words.

Anita felt heart plummet into the pit of her stomach when she saw the look in his eyes. The regret, the guilt, the sadness of which stirred in the green orbs she found solace in everytime she looked at him. She carefully withdrew her hand and asked the question haunting her mind. "Who is she?"

"Ani . . ."

"Who is she?" Anita repeated slightly louder.

"You wouldn't know her," Ethan said, confirming the thoughts she hoped wouldn't be true. But her gut had been right. It was always right. "She doesn't work for the IMF. And I don't plan on telling her anything about this life. It's not what she deserves."

Tears sprung in Anita's eyes, and the sight of them was enough to make his heart tighten within his chest. He could see it so clearly on her face, that he had hurt her deeply.

"You would retire for her, but not for me?" Anita asked in a frail voice as tears trickled down her freckled cheeks.

"No, it's not like that," Ethan said, shaking his head. "I love you, Anita, I always will. But you and I both know you wouldn't have been happy working a desk job. You belong out there in the field. You always will. That's where you're happy."

"And here I thought you did as well," Anita scoffed, rising up from the table, her blood beginning to boil beneath her skin as the reality set in. She turned her back on him as she harshly wiped the tears from her cheeks.

Ethan looked up at her. "You know I do," he said, leaning back in his chair. "But we can't be together in that way and work in the field together. You know what could happen out there if we cross that line. What will inevitably happen if we cross that line." He shook his head as he stood to his feet, closing the space between them until he was cupping her face in his hands and brushing his thumbs against the soft skin of her cheekbones. "I won't lose you out there. I can't."

Anita closed her eyes, another tear slipping down her cheek as she savored his touch, the feeling of his skin against her own always bringing her comfort and security.

She wanted nothing more than to stay in his arms forever, to feel his breath on her lips and to be so close to him that she could just barely lean forward and would close that gap between them, but she didn't. He had made his choice, and it wasn't her.

Anita reached up and gently wrapped her fingers around his wrists, pulling his hands away from her face before brushing past him. "I think you should go now."

"Anita—"

"You said what you came to say, didn't you?"

"If I could just—"

"You don't need to explain anything else to me, Ethan, I understand perfectly well what is happening right now," she said, cutting him off yet again. "If you really want to leave everything we have together behind to work a desk job and be with someone who will never know the real you, then I . . ." She paused, swallowing the lump in her throat. "Then I accept."

"This isn't how I wanted things to happen," Ethan said quietly, tears of his own glistening bright in his green eyes. He crossed the space between them and leaned forward, placing a lingering kiss against her forehead. He could feel her not only tremble beneath his touch, but lean into him despite how hurt she was by his actions. "I'm so sorry, Anita."

And then just like that, he was gone.

Ethan Hunt walked out the door, and as she fell down to her knees on the floor and cried her heart out, Anita Levine knew that she would probably never see the man she loved ever again.

Or so she thought. For it would only be three years later that she would be tasked with a mission that would cause their paths to cross yet again.

a/n: gosh, is anyone else's heart just hurting so much right now?? i mean, when ethan holds her face in his hands, i legit wanna cry. these two are just so soft and so in love 🥺 and he just loves her so much and truly does wants to be with her, but ethan knows that she would never be happy working a desk with him and is only trying to save her from a dissatisfying life

anyways, i hope you enjoyed the prologue! the first chapter will pick up a few years later and follow the events of the third movie. i honestly cannot WAIT for you all to see what i have in store with that movie! there is gonna be sooooo much tension and that same softness they've always had will slowly come back as they work together again to take down owen davian