***

"Ma, tapos ano na nangyare?" Isang tinig ang bumasag sa biglaang pananahimik ni Lorena.

"Wala nang kadugtong." Exhausted she explained as tears rolled down to her eyes. She kept turning the pages of the notebook she has holding at but all the following pages were blanked.

"Hindi Ma, sigurado ako may kadugtong pa iyan. Tignan mo 'yong date, last month pa iyan since she got here. Kilala ko si Lhea, she loves to write all the things that is happening to her." When Lorena heard that, she find a glimpse of hope that there's a possibility that her daughter Lhea is still
alive.

Laiza hugged her mother, trying to ease her longingness sa bunso nilang kapatid.

Suddenly the door opened.

"Ma, papunta na din si papa dito. Sumabay na sa kaniya si Sebastian. I am sure nag-aalala na din iyon para kay Lhea." said Leona, Lhea's oldest sister.

She came closer to her mother and to Laiza to give them comfort, after that she noticed what is her mother's holding.

"Ma what's that?"

"Diary ng kapatid mo, simula ng mapunta siya dito. Kaya lang..." then she cried again, she couldn't help it but to cry. Hindi na din niya nagawang matapos ang sasabihin kaya si Laiza na ang nagpatuloy.

"Puno na 'yong dairy niya. Malamang nasa ibang notebook na niya inilagay ang mga sumunod na nangyare sa kaniya." she explained.

"Teka, baka pwede nating malaman kung ano ba talaga ang dahilan ng kaniyang paglayas." Leona concluded this idea out of her mind. As of now, this is their only hint to find the reason behind sa paglalayas ng kanilang bunsong kapatid.

"Ate, kelangan natin mahanap 'yong pangalawang diary niya." Laiza suggested. Then, they began searching sa loob ng naging kwarto ni Lhea.

All possible places na pwedeng paglagyan ni Lhea ng kaniyang diary.

Drawer, cabinet, until they found out what they are looking for. And it was under the hellokitty pillow located at the corner of that room. One of the silly things about Lhea, she loves hellokitty so much. She actually have her own collection inside her room in manila. Kaya no wonder na pati ang cover ng mga diary niya ay hellokitty din even the ballpens.

Sabay-sabay pa silang nagkatinginan pagkakita sa notebook. May halong excitement at kaba ang tatlo, wondering what are they going to discover inside of this small thing.

This time, Leona read the 1st page loud and clear.

***
***
***

I found myself abandoned.
No one appreciates me the way he did. ~Lhea / (month of September, 2015)

Natagpuan ko na lang ang sarili ko sa loob ng hospital. And I saw Auntie Lorna sitting on the left side of my bed, she's pilling some apple for me.

"Salamat sa Ginoo at gising ka na." she said when she saw me staring at her. I smiled, na miss ko ang puntong meron siya.

"Heto, ipinagbalat kita ng mansanas."
She offered and helped me to sit and put a pillow on my back. Bigla kong naalala si Mama sa kaniya. If she's here, ganito din ang gagawin niya sa akin. Kaya lang, ayoko ng dagdagan pa ang paghihirap niya.

We all both know that dad is having an affair to the other woman. But we never saw her arguing against dad. Maybe, she just decided to remain silent and keeps the pain alone.

"Sabi ng doctor, may nakita siyang deperensya sa puso nimo. Alam na ba ito ni kuya Wilson at ng mama nimo?"

Sabi ko na nga ba, she will found out that lalo na't nandito ako sa hospital.

That's one of my reason kaya di ako nagpapa-confine sa hospital. I don't want them to know about my heart little problem, I just don't want them to worry lalo na si mama.

I kept my head down and didn't say anything.

"Tatawagan ko na si kuya, para ipaalam ang nanyare sa imo." she said and she pull her phone out of her hand bag and she began to dial.

"Ah tita! Pwedeng ako na lang po ang magsabi sa kaniya." I told her.

"Okay, oh heto." She gave me her phone and leave me alone. She glanced at me before she closed the door.

But I didn't call dad. I just don't want to bother him sa mga pinagkakaabalahan niya.

Time has passed.

Nagpaalam si Auntie na uuwi muna siya para mag-asikaso sa bahay. She said that she will send Lyna para magbantay sa akin.

It passed 7 in the evening na and yet she still not here. I am hungry, I can hear my stomach roaring.

Suddenly, a knock gave me hope.

The door opened and unexpected person came. It's him! What the heck is he doing here?

But I didn't focus on him, instead, I am more focusing on the things he brought.

"Ako na ang nagdala nito, nakita ko si Lyna kanina sa ibaba. Hindi na niya nagawang makapunta dito dahil bigla umatake 'yong ulcer niya, nagpaalam siyang uuwi na muna siya Kaya heto, ako na ang nagdala nito para sayo."

Again, I rolled my eyes to the window.

Nakagawian ko na 'atang gawin ito sa tuwing matatameme ako.

"Pero kung ayaw mo namang maniwala, aalis na lang ako."

Nakakainis siya! Naiinis ako everytime he will give me an option between if he'll stay or not. Did he knows that woman hates option?

"Gutom na ako." Instantly I said.

Obvious naman siguro sa kaniya na ang pinili ko'y manatili siya.

Geez! He smiled at me. That's smile leads my body in awkwardness.
He came closer and sat besides me.
He put out all the things he brought.

Wow all of them were actually my favorite. I'm very touched about my Auntie, she already knows what I want.

Tortang tatlong, sinangag rice then may sinigang na bangus pa.

Kinuha niya ang hospital plate, spoon and pork. And he began preparing my meals.

"Okay lang?"

He questioned me again, Uhrg! I really hate evertime he will ask me. By the way, who is he to question me like that.

I wanna say No but I wonder why I couldn't. Again, I just nodded.
It seems like I couldn't say No to him. And then he started to feed me, feeding me like I was a baby.

All of the sudden, Baste popped in into my mind. I remembered him! No! I really missed him. How I wish he was here. Motivating me in the midst of my situation. Encouraging me the way he always did every time I will having disappointment about my family and career.

And then suddenly he stood up, interrupting my day dreaming. I'm wondering why. What is wrong with him.

"Saan ka pupunta?" I asked.

"May nakalimutan lang ako," he replied.

"Teka? Iiwanan mo ako?"

"Ito naman, saglit lang ako mawawala mami-miss mo agad ako."
he teased me and then I blushed. Bwiset siya! Paano ba niya nagagawang hulihin ang kiliti ko.

"He-he, nakakatawa! Umalis ka na nga at wag ka ng babalik ha."

And again I rolled my eyes away from him. But despite of this, there's a part of my mind saying, 'Please balikan mo ako. Takot akong maiwang mag-isa sa loob ng kwartong ito.' Which is true, takot talaga akong maiwan mag-isa, mas mabuting ako ang nang-iiwan, kaysa ako ang iwanan. That's the reason why I decided to leave manila and be here. Because I know, sooner or later, dad will leave us, he will abandon us for the sake of that dirty ugly bitch.

"Huwag kang mag-alala babalik ako, may nakalimutan lang ako sa ibaba." he said before he walked away.

I can't stop myself to smile. I felt secured after what he just said.

He was right, after 10 or 15 minutes he came back. At may bitbit na siyang sobre, then he gave it to me.

"Ano ito?"

"Ewan! Pinapaabot ni Lyna sa'yo iyan. Kaya lang naiwan ko sa ibaba kaya binalikan ko." he explained.

I wast about to open it but he stopped me.

"Mamaya na iyan, kumain ka na muna. Tignan mo, ni hindi mo nga binawasan ang pagkain mo nang umalis ako."

I gave him a naughty smile, "Subuan mo ulit ako." I don't know where the guts I get that, but I can't hide the fact that I am more comfortable now whenever I am with him.

"Aba, naging abusado pa," and then he makes a silly smirk over me.

Waah lang-yang lalaki ito, pasalamat nga siya't pinapayagan ko siyang makalapit sa akin at gawin ang mga bagay na ginawa niya kanina.

"Kung ayaw mo, 'di wag! At saka sa pagkakatanda ko, ikaw ang dahilan kung ba't ako nasa hospital ako ngayon."

"Ito naman biro lang. Amin na nga iyan. Kasalanan ko bang bumangga sa atin 'yong malaking alon?"

Kinuha niya ang pagkain ko at muli akong sinubuan.

"Oo kasalanan mo iyon, ikaw driver eh. Kaya dapat alam mo kung paano kokontrolin ang bangka kapag may malakas na alone." Even my mouth is full, I keep explaining the things that I know.

"Sige ako na lang, akuin ko na lang. Maging masaya ka lang, ano bati na tayo?"

"Bakit nag-away ba tayo?"

We stared to each other and then we laughed.

And then I found myself loving the things what he was doing right now for me.

After half an hour

I had finished my meal. He's done washing the plate we used. He already cleaned up the messy thing inside the room. In fairness ang kasipagan niya ha. Minsan nga naaabutan ko siya ng madaling araw kapag nagigising ako, he will get up so early just to catch some fish. madalas naman, nag-iigib siya sa may poso katapat lang ng bahay ni Auntie, actually ng kwarto ko, kaya sa ayaw at sa gusto ko nakikita ko pa din siya. Doon din siya naliligo, kaya naman, kaya naman nagiging manyak din ako minsan, hehe. Pero believe it or not, sinusubukan ko talagang alisin ang atensyon ko sa kanya by making myself busy.

I took the small envelope he gave to me and read it silently.

After minutes, I threw it away from me.

It took his attetion, "Bakit? Anong nangyare, ano bang nakalagay?" he asked.

Nang tangkain niyang kunin iyon, I shouted No! So I took the envelope again and put it under my pillow. Humiga ako at tumalikod sa kaniya.

I don't care kung anuman ang isipan niya. Ang alam ko lang, ang sakit.

Baste, bakit di mo sinabing magkasama pala kayo ni Julie sa seminar. Okay lang sana sa akin na magkasama kayo kung pinaalam mo. Pero hindi eh.

They have their pictures together inside the envelope. At ang saya nilang tignan, infairness ang closeness na meron sila.

Hindi ako magw-worry ng ganito kung wala akong alam.

I knew how much baste loves Julie. And I can see it through his smile on those pictures. He was her dreamed girl when we were in highschool until colleges.

But unfortunately, nagkahiwalay sila ng landas.

I was the one who fell in love to him in a first place.
I love him secretly since we were in elementary. His family and my family were good friends.

But he wasn't able to notice me because of her.

Saka na lang niya ako napansin when we graduated in college.
Julie took some opportunity in London, she left Sebastian alone. And I am the only one who can give him comfort. Until we found ourselves falling in love to each other. No! He's the only one who fell in love with me dahil sa simula pa lang mahal ko na siya.

Nagtiis at naghintay ako ng napakaraming taon, tapos in the end ganito lang.

I always asked him, kung mahal pa din niya si Julie. Kung babalik man ito may pag-asa bang maging sila? Pero ang lagi niyang isinasagot sa akin. Ako na ang mahal niya, at ako na ang para sa kaniya.

Pero iba ang laging isinisigaw ng utak ko, 'Ang pag-ibig niya ngayon para sa akin ay hindi kagaya ng pag-ibig niya noon para kay Julie.

Suddenly a voice put me back into present situation, "Lalabas na lang muna ako. Pag may kailangan ka, andito lang ako."

But I ignored him, I don't want him seeing me crying.

and then he shut the door.

***

Glad to be here in my current room. 2 nights and 3 days din akong ibinilanggo ng hospital.

My things were still in the same spot how I left them.

I went to the terrace, waiting for someone presence. He should be here by this hour, but he never came. I never saw him the whole day.

"Nasaan kaya siya?" said my mind.

Para akong mababaliw sa tuwing wala siya sa tabi ko. Maybe because sinanay niya akong lagi ko siyang kasama. In fact, nakalimutan ko for the meantime ang pamilya at ang taong mahal ko while I was on the hospital.

He makes me laughed, cried everytime aasarin niya ako and he makes me feel important. A treatment that I never had before.

I wanna ask Auntie Lorna where the heck is he, where did he go? Why did he gone so long. Kaya lang baka magtaka siya kung bakit ko siya hinahanap. Haler, isang araw ko pa lang siyang di nakikita.

The next day, I'm still hoping I could see him. I went to the seashore hoping that he was there but he wasn't. I never saw any traits of him.

"Kainis! Nasaan ba kasi ang mokong na iyon." Irretated I whispered to myself.

Until I heard 2 man talking, they were speaking in bisaya. But I could still understand them a little bit. Thanks to him, tinuruan niya ako while we were in the hospital.

They said that dodong (that's how they call him) is currently guiding some tourist who came to their town yesterday. They also said that all visitors were beautiful, mapuputi, makikinis at mukhang mga high class pa. Uhrg! Bakit siya pa ang kinuha, bakit? Tourist guide ba siya ng kanilang lugar? At kailangan siya pa ang magtour.

I heard that most of the tourist who came here requesting to visit one of the famous island in this whole province. Even I can't afford to be there, means they were really rich people. And I felt unsecured

I went home sad, by the way I'm not jealous. Who is he para magselos ako? I'm just longing for someone na mapagbubuntungan ko ng kalungkutan ko.

***
Sebastian call me the next night.
The seminar was extended for 2 days, he just informed me.

"Okay." I answered.

"Hun, ang hirap mong kontakin. Siya nga pala, bumalik na si Julie from London. Nakasama namin siya sa seminar pero hindi na niya tinapos ang buong seminar dahil may mga other appointment pa daw siya. Kinakamusta ka niya." he told me.

Atleast he eased the doubt inside my mind. I feel guilty dahil di ko nagawang magtiwala sa kaniya. Plano naman pala talaga niyang sabihin sa akin. Mahirap lang talaga akong makontak.

"Nasaan na siya ngayon?" I asked.

"Sa pagkakaalam ko, bumabyahe na siya pabalik sa New York ngayon."

Wow, ang galing niya. Iba na talaga pag may na achieved, pa travel-travel na lang. Samantalang ako, isang amatuer at freelance photographer na hanggang ngayon wala pang napapatunayan. Mabuti nga si Sebastian, unti-unti ng nakikilala sa industriya ng filming. Samantalang ako, napag-iiwanan na nila.

"Eh, ikaw? Kumusta ka nang makita mo siya." I asked by means of untrusting him.

"Hun, anong tanong iyan?"

but I remained silent, just waiting for his answer.

"Hun, ito lagi mong iisipin. Mahal kita! Mahal na mahal kita. At handa akong makasal sayo. Dahil ikaw ang gusto kong makakasama ko sa pagtanda ko."

I can't stop myself to cry when I heard that. He surely hear me crying.

"Oh, hun. Tama na, wag ka ng umiyak. Baka sabihin nila pinapaiyak kita. By the way hun, I forgot to tell you that Julie came with her boyfriend and they getting married by the end of this year. Ini-invite niya tayo," he sounded like he's actually telling the  truth.

I began to laugh. I'm so stupid, nagseselos ako sa taong ikakasal na pala sa iba. Lhea, you're so crazy.

"Hun, yan tayo eh. Nababaliw ka pag wala ako sa tabi mo eh. Hayaan mo, pupuntahan kita diyan. Hintayin mo ako ha. I miss you hun. I'll see you after a week."

"Talaga? Ang tagal ng one week pero okay lang maghihintay ako. I'm excited to see you soon hun. I love you."

"I'll make sure we will have a great vacation diyan. I promise, I love you more hun."

That's how our calls ended.

This night is a wonderful night.
I love him even more. I knew it, he's the one for me.

The next morning.

I heard a familiar voice, it was him. Nakabalik na siya. I pretend I didn't heard him. I ignored him. I don't even turn my back to see him.

But he makes his voice loud as he talks to someone, enough for me to be heard. Obviously he did it intentionally.

Nakakainis, papansin masyado.

That's why umalis ako, I went upstairs at nagkulong sa kwarto ko.

I just realize na he was just part of my past time, and not an apple on my eyes. Because all this time, it was only Sebastian and no one can replace it.

On the same day, Lyna knocked on my door. She was asking if I want to do some hiking. Not actually hiking, aakyat daw sila ng bundok to visit a family friend nila Auntie.

An old woman who chose to live on that mountain. When I heard the word mountain, hiking agad ang pumasok sa isip ko.

Hiking? Of course! That's my ultimate hobby, and also part my career. Pag-akyat sa bundok ang isa sa mga gusto kong gawin. Kaya pumayag agad ako.

The next day.

It was late when I found out that he will be with us. Lyna didn't mentioned na kasama pala namin siya. At nakakahiya namang tumanggi na, gayong naka Oo na ako sa kanila.

It was me, Lyna, Him, Junior, Tita Lorna and his husband and another woman. Auntie Lorna said that the woman we where about to visit is the one who took good care to her and to my dad when they were young. It happens when my Lola used to work in manila to support them.

To travel with him again makes me uncomfortable now. I never dare to talk to him nor to be in touch in him.

I put a boundary between us.

I should never talk to him again.

Everytime he will try to communicate with me, I'll always gave him a not interested respond.

It was a hot noon when we reached the house on that mountain. Nakakapagod, pero sulit ang nakuha kong mga view. As of now, those are my best shots as a photographer.

I decided to take some walk on the backyard while they were preparing our lunch.

The place is so wonderful, I get a chance to take pictures of those animal who accidentally caught my attention.

And I followed them, unknowingly napapalayo na pala ako sa mga kasama ko.

And it was late when I noticed that, "Auntie Lorna?!"

I kept calling their names, trying to find where they are.

Finding a way back to the house.

Its scare me to death, when I heard strange noise. "Sinong nandyan?" brave I asked.

But no one respond me. That noise became loud, I began to panic, so I ran as fast as I could. On a direction I didn't know if it was right. I can feel that there's unknown creature running after me.

I keep running and praying na sana di dito matapos ang buhay ko.

Hanggang sa may nakabanggaan ako, and thank God it was him.

I hugged him, without saying anything. And I started to cry, napalingon na lang ako when I heard the same noise. Agad akong pumunta sa likuran niya. Nanginginig at takot, he can obviously feel that.

I don't know what kind of animals is that, pero mabangis siyang tignan.
I hold on tight on his shirt, giving him a signal na gumawa siya ng paraan.

"Shoo! Shoo!" he makes some gesture.

Suddenly that animal walked away from us. I don't know what magic he used at nagawa niyang mapaalis iyon. Pero nagpapasalamat na din ako, ligtas na ako.

"Kung s'an-s'an ka pa kasi nagpupunta eh. Iyan kamuntikan ka ng mapahamak. Di mo ba alam na mapanganib sa lugar na ito lalo na't di ka taga rito." Pinapagalitan niya ako, like he was my dad.

Pero tama siya, dapat hindi ako lumayo sa kanila. I didn't say anything, I just bow my head and do my mannerism. Alam ko kasi na ako ang may mali.

"Halika na... Pinahanap ka sa akin ni Ate dahil kakain na." calmed he said.

He grabbed my hand and we began to walk. I don't know bakit di ako pumalag ng hawakan niya ang kamay ko, there's another weird feelings na mananatiling safe ako habang hawak niya ang kamay ko.

***
On that day, di kami nakababa ng bundok. Inabot na kase kami ng hapon at sobrang hamog talaga, di namin makikita ang daan pababa kaya we decided na doon na magpagabi. Gasera lang ang ilaw namin that night.

I can't sleep, dahil na din sa ingay ng mga kuliglig, tuko at kung anu-ano pang mga hayop.

So I stood up and sat sa upuang gawa sa kahoy na nasa labas ng bahay kubo.

Titignan ko sana 'yong mga pictures na nakuha ng DSLR, pero isang boses ang gumulat sa akin.

"Di ka makatulog?"

Anak ng tokwa, its him. Bakit ba hindi ko siyang nagawang makita kanina? Nakaupo siya sa kabilang dulo ng inuupuan ko.

"Ha? Ah eh, Oo. Ang ingay kase ng mga insekto. Kanina ka pa?"

"Medyo." he answered.

"Hmmn."

A minute of silence suddenly occured. And it leads him to break it, asking me an awkward question.

"Nininiwala ka sa love at first sight." Bwiset, ba't ganyan ang tanong niya. Ang awkward ha!

Pero napaisip din ako. Yes I do believe in love at first sight, that's how I fell in love to Baste.

We were both young when I first saw him. His wearing pants, blue polo and holding a coloring book, he was with his younger sister, baby sitting her.

My whole world stop as I saw him, that time I still don't know what is happening. Until on the following days he became an apple to my eyes.

His family was a new comer to our town that time, and before that year ends. His family and mine became friend. He actually treated me as one of his younger sister, kaya siguro di niya nagawang ma-inlove sa akin during those time until we reached college dahil para sa kaniya, nakababatang kapatid niya lang ako.

"Ewan." I gave him a not interested replied. Just to end the conversation.

"Galit ka ba sa akin?" he suddenly asked.

Ha? Galit? Ba't naman ako magagalit sa kaniya? Sumosobra na 'ata siya sa kaka-assume.

"Ba't naman ako magagalit sayo?"

"Dahil umalis ako ng walang paalam." he said directly to me. I stood up and looked unto him. Kailangan ng matapos ang kahangalang meron siya.

"Hey, let me clarify these things to you. Wala akong pakealam kung umalis ka at di ka nagpaalam. Huwag mo ding isipin na gusto kita dahil sa totoo lang hindi naman. At saka may boyfriend na ako, 2 years na kami and we're getting stronger kuha mo? Soon magpapakasal na din kami. Actually susunod siya dito para makasama ako. Kaya kung ok lang, paki distansya ng sarili mo sa akin."

Finally nasabi ko din ang mga bagay na gusto kong sabihin. Feeling ko nakalaya ako, malaya na ako. But I was wrong, ito pala ang magiging hudyat ng malaking pagbabago sa buhay ko.

"Si Sebastian ang tinutukoy mo tama, akala ko ba galit ka na sa kaniya noong makita mong kasama niya ang babaeng iyon sa larawan?" meaningfully he said.

Wait how did he knows my boyfriend name at saka pa'no niya nalaman ang tungkol sa mga larawan gayong itinago ko na ito sa lugar na di makikita ninuman. Don't tell me?

"Oo Lhea, tama ang naiisip mo. Ako nagpadala nang mga larawang iyon sayo para matauhan ka!"

"How dare you! You're such a freak!" Gusto ko siyang saktan, sampalin pero di ko magawa. And he told me something that makes me freak more.

"Alam ko ang lahat ng patungkol sayo Lhea. Ang lovelife mo, ang pasira mo ng pamilya, ang mga paborito mo. Nagustuhan mo pa nga 'yong mga pagkain dinala ko sayo noong nasa hospital ka, di ba? Ang lahat ng iyon ay ginawa ko, dahil gusto kita. I want you Lhea."

He's crazy! Nasisiraan na siya ng bait. When he told me that, nagsimula na akong matakot sa kaniya. He's acting like he was a desperate stalker and wanted me so bad. I can see it into his eyes as the moonlight reflected to his both eye.

I was about to walk away from him, kaya lang hinatak niya ang kamay ko palapit sa kaniya and suddenly kissed me.

He hold me tight, enough para di ako makawala mula sa yakap at halik niya.

I wanna scream, I wanna slap him but I can't. My whole body became numb, I don't know how did he do that but one thing I know, its not a normal anymore.

I just found myself kissing him back and my tears starting to fall. I know it wasn't me anymore. Sebastian, please save me from him.

He wasn't holding me yet I wonder why I couldn't move myself away from him.

Then he whispered something into my ears that makes my mind blanked.

"Akin ka lang."

I heard it loud and clear.

The next day I found myself lying on the bed next to him. What the? I quickly stood up, and grabbed the blanket. Thank God, I still have my clothes. It passed 2 in the afternoon when I gazed on the clock.

After while nagising na din siya.

"Walang hiya ka! Anong ginawa mo sa akin?" I'm starting to cry. Sana mali ang naiisip ko, I can't remember anything after he grabbed and kissed me last night. Ano bang nangyare?
But he just laughed, laughing like he was possesed by a demon.

I got scared, I went out to that room. Pero mas nagulat ako sa mga sumunod na nakita ko. What kind of place is this? Where the heck am I?

***