"never is a promise"
by fiona apple

"  you'll never see the courage i know
Its colors' richness won't appear within your view
I'll never glow the way that you glow
your presence dominates the judgments made on you
...
you'll never touch these things that i hole
the skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
you'll never feel the heat of this soul
my fever burns me deeper than i've ever shown to you
you'll say 'don't fear your dreams, it's easier than it seems'
you'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high
but 'never' is a promise and you can't afford to lie
you'll never live this life that i live
I'll never live the life that wakes me in the night
you'll never hear the message i give
you'll say it looks as though i might give up this fight
...
you'll say you understand, you'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
i don't know what to believe in,
you don't know who i am
you'll say i need appeasing when i start to cry
but 'never' is a promise and I'll never need a lie "

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"yesterday"
season 2, episode 18

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"are you sure you're ready to go back to work? there's no shame is staying home for a couple more days, elle. you had a pretty bad concussion." alex asked her as he got ready for work.

"i'm fine, alex, seriously. i hit my head, i didn't have brain surgery. plus, i want to get back to work. i miss it." she told him.

"okay, as long as you're sure that you're okay."

"i'm okay." she smiled, planting a soft peck on his lips. "but we're running late, so let's go."

"are the o.r.'s up and running?" dr. bailey asked the interns.

"uh, yeah, they're fully functional. uh, except there's some smoke damage to the corridors." cristina answered.

"how about you two? you guys fully functional?" bailey asked eleanor and meredith.

"i'm fine." meredith answered.

"me too, my ribs are still a little sore but the symptoms of my concussion have subsided." eleanor told her. "how's your husband doing?" 

"taking him home tomorrow." bailey answered. "if you need more time, there's no shame, shepherd. or grey, either of you." 

"that's what i said." alex piped up.

"and i said that i'm ready to get back to work." eleanor said, briefly turning to face alex.

"good, alright, then all of you, this is not a tea party, go save lives."

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"is that--" eleanor questioned.

"yes. it is." derek answered before she could finish.

"why is he talking to meredith?" she asked. "actually, more importantly, why is he here at all?"

"that's a great question." derek answered, not taking his eyes off mark and meredith for even a second, slowly walking out of the room.

"derek, what are you doing?" eleanor asked following close behind. "derek,"

and then he punched him.

"what the hell was that?" meredith asked, in shock.

"that was mark." derek answered, still in pain from the punch.

"punching out people on my surgical floor? my head of neurosurgery punching out people on my surgical floor?" the chief asked, angrily.

"put the ice back on your hand, derek." addison told him.

"my hand is fine." derek told her.

"put the damn ice on your $2-million-a-year hand." richard yelled.

"just do it, der." eleanor sighed.

"now... would someone tell me what the hell happened?" richard asked.

eleanor and derek looked to addie.

"c'mon, dr. montgomery-shepherd, you tell him." eleanor taunted.

"eleanor," addison warned, but a look from derek quickly shut her down. "that was mark." she told richard.

"who's mark?" he asked.

"he and derek used to work together back in new york--" addison started.

"oh, that's bullshit, addie, and you know it." eleanor scoffed.

"nellie, stop." derek told his little sister.

"what, it's true? you didn't just work together back in new york, you guys have been best friends since you were ten." she said to her brother. "mark has been in my life since before i was even born, okay? like he used to be as much my brother as derek is." she looked to the chief.

"used to?" richard asked, waiting for further explanation.

"yeah, until--"

"derek found us in bed together." addison finished, wanting the chief to hear it from her.

"you put your weight behind it?" richard leaned down to ask derek.

"yes, sir." he answered quietly.

"well, all right, then." he nodded and walked out of the conference room.

"what the hell is he doing here?" derek asked addison, who hid her head in her hands.

"yeah, i'd love to know. like seriously, what the fuck." eleanor seconded. 

"i have no idea." addison answered.

"why do i have a hard time believing that?" eleanor asked.

"are you ever going to forgive me, eleanor?" she asked.

"uh, maybe one day if you make sure that he leaves and never comes back." she scoffed, walking out of the conference room. "i- i can't do this, okay? like seriously, i cannot fucking handle him being here. i don't care what you have to say or do, just make him leave, okay?" she told them as she stood in the doorway, her eyes welling up with tears.

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"why is he suturing his own face?" george asked as eleanor walked up to the group, hiding her body behind alex.

"to turn me on." cristina said.

"because he's mark sloan. he's like the go-to plastic surgeon on the east coast." alex said.

"that's the guy addison was sleeping with?" george whispered.

"well, you can't really blame her can you?" izzie asked.

"no, not real--"

"oh, my god. will you guys please shut up." eleanor begged. "you 100% can blame her, and he's not turning any of you on because he literally ruined my life. and alex, why are you talking about him like he's some... god when you know what he did? i don't care that he's the best plastic surgeon on the east coast, you're supposed to hate him on principle." she scoffed.

"geez, what'd you have sex with him too?" cristina chuckled.

"oh, my god, ew, no. he's like my... brother. you guys are all assholes." she cringed as she walked away.

"mcsexy wants an x-ray to check for fractures, and i think it's a bad idea if i take him." eleanor overheard meredith say.

"i'm on it." she heard alex say and walk away. she turned around to glare at him, to which he just shrugged and mouthed 'sorry'.

she couldn't believe that she had trusted alex with everything she had told him, and he was just tossing all that information aside because mark is a good plastic surgeon. it was like a slap in the face. he had talked all this big game about never hurting her like mark did, yet here he was, fraternizing with him. she actually couldn't believe it.

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eleanor had secluded herself from everyone else to work on charts and avoid mark's existence and all of the many comments that came with it. after she had seen alex talking to mark again after the x-ray, she was done. mark sloan was the one thing that eleanor couldn't reason with, and without a second thought, alex ran to his side to praise him, to get down on his knees and polish the man's shoes with his spit--all for an interest in plastics. had what she told him meant nothing? if he had that little regard for her with this, she didn't want to be with him at all. in her mind, things between them were already over.

"hey, you weren't at lunch and you seemed upset earlier when we were talking about dr. sloan, so i thought i'd go look for you." george said as he approached her in the hallway.

"hey, george." she smiled weakly. 

"you okay?" he asked, sitting beside her on the gurney against the wall.

"once mark leaves i will be." she sighed.

"what's your deal with him?" george asked.

"he was like an older brother to me for a very long time and i-" she started, stopping to take a deep breath. "i loved him and i trusted him and he broke that trust and abandoned me when i needed him the most... that and he fucked my brother's wife, so, you know." she laughed sadly, quickly wiping the tears that escaped from her eyes.

"oh, i'm sorry." george apologized.

"it's not your fault. i mean at least you're not worshiping the ground he walks on like alex is. and alex fucking knew everything he put me through, and he's acting like it never even happened. i seriously--i just--i can't believe him."

"you deserve better than that--than him." he told her, grabbing her hand and squeezing it.

"thanks george," she smiled. "i really needed that."

"i- do you want- uh, i want to take you out for a drink tonight. not like at joes, but maybe somewhere else. just you and me, someplace we can talk. i want to--i need to-- say something." george stuttered.

"i- i'm sorry george, i'm going through a lot right now and it's just really not a good time, um, i'm sorry. i've got a lot on my mind, and i will be going out for a drink--a lot of drinks--but i'm gonna do it alone." she told him, putting his hand flat down on the gurney and getting up. "thank you though, for the offer, you're a good friend george." she smiled as she walked away.

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eleanor stood in the elevator on her way out of the hospital when alex entered it.

"jesus christ," she breathed out, rolling her eyes and looking away from him.

"i didn't see you much today." he said.

"yeah. that was for a reason, alex." she scoffed.

"look, i'm sorry but this is about my future, you know how bad i want plastics, elle."

"yeah? one day of kissing his ass and getting him to stay longer than he needed to was about your future? i'm sure it made one hell of a difference for your career. mark is going to have forgotten about you by, like, tomorrow. but you know what? i won't have. what you did today? that was such an asshole move. you knew how much he hurt me, and you did it anyway. for your future? well I'll tell you what, alex, you did make an impact on your future today. you no longer have one with me--we're done." she told him, exiting the elevator when the doors opened on the ground floor.

"wait, elle, c'mon--" he tried to stop her.

"fuck off, alex." she told him as she stormed out of the building.

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"this seat taken?" mark asked as eleanor sat at the bar, already on her third drink.

"yes, very much taken, mark." she sighed as he took a seat anyway.

"double scotch. single malt." he ordered from joe. "you look sad." he noticed.

"yeah, i guess sadness, anger, disappointment, and rage all go hand in hand." she nodded. "what are you doing here, mark?"

"i'm here for addison." he admitted.

"good, take her and never come back. neither of you are wanted here." she said, taking another sip of her drink.

"i thought you didn't drink much."

"yeah, well you're here, so i'm drinking."

"nora-"

"you have no right to call me that. you have no right to be here. none, mark. first, you ruin my life by not showing up, now you're ruining it again by showing up. you just can't make up your mind, can you?"

"like i said, i'm here for addison, i'm not trying to ruin your life. i was never trying to ruin your life, eleanor."

"huh, good to know you're still not thinking about me."

"i did think about you, all the time okay, i just- i just didn't know what to say."

"so you said nothing at all? did you think somehow that was better? i needed you mark, and you just- you just... you're a fucking coward." 

"i know i fucked up, and i'm sorry. okay? is that what you want me to say? because i am, i'm sorry."

"no, what i want you to do is leave. with addison or not, i really don't care, just go, please. i can't think--i can't breathe--with you here."

"if that's what you want--"

"it is. go. now, get on the next plane, please." she pleaded.

mark looked into her teary eyes and nodded. he finished the rest of his drink, paid, got up from the bar and left. eleanor let out a deep breath she didn't know she was holding and put her head down on the bar.

"another one, joe."

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with enough drinks in her system to finally numb the pain of mark, ending things with alex, and the headache that still persisted from her concussion (though she had said she was fine) eleanor finally went home. she was thinking less than straight when george knocked on her bedroom door.

"come in," she sighed.

"hey, you okay?" he asked.

"i broke up with alex. and i confronted mark. and i'm drunk. and i'm pretty sure i wasn't supposed to drink with the concussion." she shrugged sadly.

"i would never hurt you the way that they did." he told her.

"i never said that you would, george." she chuckled sadly.

"no, but i'm telling you that because, i- well, i love you. i love you eleanor, and it hurts to sit and watch you give your love away to assholes like alex, because i'm here, i've been here the whole time." he smiled.

"george--"

"no. you gotta hear me out, because if it's not now i don't know..." he told her. "i know you just broke up with alex, but it's okay, you know, because he messed up, but i'm right here."

"i- i, okay?" she shrugged, her eyes filled up with tears.

"okay?" he asked.

"i don't know, i guess?" she shrugged and he smiled.

he leaned in to kiss her and reluctantly, she kissed him back. they moved slowly and sloppily, eleanor was having a hard time keeping her balance, but george held her steady. they slipped off their clothes, garment by garment until they only had underwear left, and made their way over to eleanor's bed. she wasn't sure how she felt about it until he was hovering over her. he looked so happy, but eleanor couldn't feel any more sad.

"george, wait."

"what?"

"what are we doing?"

"what? i thought--"

"i'm- i'm drunk, george i- i-" she said as he breathing quickened. "i-i- i have a c-c-concussion," she said as he hands started to shake. she was panicking.

"you said, 'okay'" he said. "i- i don't understand, i thought you wanted to."

"get off, george."

"what?" he laughed nervously.

"george, i'm so serious get off of me right now." she began to cry.

"what the hell, eleanor?"

"get the fuck out of my room!" she yelled.

"okay, jesus!" he yelled, getting off of her bed and putting his hands up in surrender.

he quickly pulled on his clothes and eleanor sat on her bed and cried.

"i'm sorry, okay? look, i'm sorry, i thought--" he apologized walking towards her, putting his hand on her arm in attempt to comfort her.

"don't fucking touch me!" she cried, swatting his hand away.

"i- i'm sorry." he said, the look on his face was almost confused as he walked out of her room.

eleanor cried herself to sleep that night. she felt just about as low as she had after it had happened. her ribs and her head hurt the same as they did when he did it to her. her thoughts were just as troubling. it may as well have happened all over again.

she thought about all the people--the men--who had promised they'd never hurt her. yet somehow three of them had done it all in one day.

authors note,,,,,

eleanor my baby :( poor thing.

she's really going through it.

also sorry but i'm a george hater!!! i know shonda said that george and meredith took advantage of each other, but what george did to her was so fucked up and anyone who excuses it is a weirdo. if u have ever been taken advantage of when you're the most vulnerable then you get it but UGH!!! the way he decided to spring that on her when she was drunk and clearly not okay was so wrong and he knows meredith, he knew what he was doing. and the way he got mad at HER for CRYING and not being okay with it was just AHHHH infuriating i'm sorry. george reminds me of my ex so much ngojwNRgkINKgnwP ok. that's all. anyway. i know this chapter is the one everyone has been anticipating so here it is, hope it lives up to ur expectations :)