"harbor"
by clairo

" harbor myself away from everyone else
i'm half awake and intimate
eyes closed and i'll commit
what i wish i had with you
i'll pretend until it's true
i don't love you that way
swallow the pill, it's only fair that i hear
know myself better than i have in years
i don't know why i have to defend what i feel "

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

"what have i done to deserve this?"
season 2, episode 19

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

eleanor woke up that morning with swollen eyes and no desire to get out of bed. unfortunately, being an intern did not give her time to wallow in self-hatred--she had to go to work. even more unfortunately, two of the people she couldn't bare to face were her coworkers, one of them also being her roommate. it was not ideal. things were not ideal.

she had spent most of the morning sitting on the shower floor as the water ran over her back, only to be rudely interrupted by izzie banging on the door. she tried to wash away the feeling of george's hands on her body, but one thing eleanor knew about things like this was soap and water never make the feeling go away.

she didn't really know what it was she was feeling. it was different than before. it was unfamiliar. george was her friend, and they didn't actually go all the way so it wasn't like he really did anything to her. he wasn't doing it to hurt her. it was the complete opposite to what had happened to her the year prior, yet it still hurt just as much. within just a few minutes he had gone from promising he'd never hurt her the way alex and mark did to hurting her even more. how does that happen? how do things go wrong so fast? in one day, mark had shown up and brought all the memories back, she'd broken up with alex, and she almost had sex with george.

how did things go so wrong?

she didn't know.

and she didn't know where to go from there.

how was she meant to get up every day, go to work, face them, and do her job?

how was she meant to walk around and carry all this weight? all of this pain.

she didn't know.

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"what'd you do to eleanor?" meredith asked alex as as they wheeled their patient down to c.t.

"i didn't do anything. she dumped me." alex told her.

"okay, but why did she dump you? you had to have done something." meredith asked.

"she called it quits because i was talking to sloan. i mean i knew she had issues with him, but i didn't think it was so bad i couldn't even work with the guy." he explained.

"well, fix it. she looks horrible. her eyes are all swollen and she was hogging the shower all morning. somethings wrong with her." meredith told him.

"i figured she just needed some space to cool off, I'm gonna try and talk to her later." he said.

"good. i don't like seeing this side of her. she's supposed to be mcperfect, and if she's all mcmental than there's no hope for the rest of us." meredith sighed.

"you know, she's not as perfect as you all say she is. she's got some dark shit in her closet, so cut her some slack, because she's been through hell." alex defended.

"then don't be another person that puts her through hell, fix things."

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

eleanor got paged down the trauma bay, only to find alex there waiting when she arrived.

"great, they paged you too." she sighed.

"nobody paged me."

"then what are you doing here?" she asked.

"i want to talk, elle."

"well, too bad, i actually got paged so... go away." she told him.

"nobody paged you either." he told her.

"you paged me? seriously? you're that desperate?" she questioned.

"i just want to talk, okay? you didn't even let me get a word in when you called things off and i just want a chance to make things right, to explain."

"you did explain. you disregarded my feelings for your career, and that's fine, but you made that choice. i get it, seriously, i mean you're right, if you want to become a plastic surgeon, mark sloan would be a great connection to have. you chose to kiss his ass despite all of what i told you about him. you made that choice, not me. you're probably realizing now that it wasn't worth it, and now you want me back. but that one decision told me everything i needed to know you--about us. i don't want to be with someone who would make the choice you made." she told him, walking back inside.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

"hey," meredith greeted as she walked up to eleanor.

"hi." eleanor replied softly.

"you okay?"

"depends on your definition of okay."

"i heard about you and alex, i'm sorry."

"it's fine." she sighed.

"you don't look fine."

"a lot happened yesterday. a lot that i wished didn't happen."

"it's not too late for you and alex, you know. he said he was going to try and talk to you later." meredith said.

"we already talked, i'm not taking him back. and it's not just about alex."

"then what's it about, sloan?"

"yes, but not just him either."

"is it george? he's been acting weird all morning."

"i don't want to talk about it." eleanor groaned, raising her knees to her chest and hiding her head.

"so it's about george." meredith smirked.

"it's not funny, mer. i'm serious, it's like so unfunny."

"what? was it like bad rebound sex?" meredith asked, just as george approached.

"you told her?" george asked. eleanor looked at him with wide eyes, trying to stop him from digging himself into a hole.

"oh my god, that was the thing?" meredith asked, shocked.

"no! that was not the thing, we did not have sex!" eleanor whisper-yelled. george angrily turned around and walked away. "george! just wait, okay!" she followed behind.

"george, calm down." meredith told him.

"you calm down! you calm down!" george yelled. "i'm not--i'm not gonna calm down."

eleanor followed after him, tears quickly forming in her eyes. the rest of the interns showed up, joining them in following after george.

"why is eleanor crying? dude, what did you do?" alex asked george.

"what did i do? i didn't do anything!" george scoffed. 

"can we please just talk, please stop yelling." eleanor cried.

"i don't want to talk! not to you!" he yelled. "i wanted to keep my mouth shut, and if you hadn't been running away from me every time you see me, you would know that. i just wanted to respect both of our privacies." he told her.

"i- i- didn't even--" eleanor cried. "can we just talk, please!"

"you want to talk now because you told everyone we almost had sex!" he yelled in the stairwell.

"you almost had sex?!" izzie and cristina yelled. meredith hid her head in her hands and alex just stared angrily.

"you didn't tell them?" he asked.

"no," eleanor cried. "but you know what, fuck that! okay? the fact that you're the one yelling at me is so fucked up! you're acting like i did something to you, i didn't do shit to you! first of all, i was drunk, george! i couldn't have legally given consent even if i wanted to. second of all, i had a concussion, you know, from the bomb that exploded not even a week ago. third of all, the person who completely betrayed my trust randomly showed up in seattle yesterday and i broke up with my fucking boyfriend! i wasn't thinking straight, and you knew that! you asked me what was wrong and i told you all of that, and that i shouldn't have been drinking with my concussion and you made a move on me anyway. you're mad because i started crying and pushed you off of me? what the hell is wrong with you? i didn't do anything to you. you told me would never hurt me and then tried to get in my pants all in one breath. if there is a bad guy here, it's you george." eleanor yelled. 

the rest of the interns stood silently, even george.

"i'm gonna fuckin' kill him." alex said, pushing past cristina and izzie, running after george down the stairs.

"alex! stop!" eleanor cried. luckily, george tripped down the stairs before alex could even get his hands on him. "don't do anything, alex. you're not my night and shining armor, not anymore." 

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"hey," derek said to his sister as he entered the elevator.

"hi." she sniffled, keeping her head down low.

"you okay? you sound like you've been crying." he questioned.

"i'm fine." she sniffled again, avoiding eye contact. he turned his body to face hers and lifted her face up to look at him.

"hey, look at me, nel. what's going on?" he asked her.

"everything's falling apart." she cried.

"is this because of mark? i thought he was gone?" he asked her.

"it's just- it's everything," she said, flailing her arms in defeat. "it's all falling apart. all of it."

"come here, it's okay. it'll be alright." he said softly, bringing his sister into a hug. eleanor melted into his arms and sobbed into his scrubs. "shh." he soothed, rubbing her back and holding her tightly. derek didn't know what was going on with his sister, but he was thoroughly worried about the younger girl.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

eleanor sat on her bed, staring at the wall when george walked in.

"why? i just wanna know why you... if you didn't want to--"

"george, i was drunk and upset and i didn't understand how badly i didn't want to until you were over me. i didn't want to hurt your feelings, but i mean, why did you think that was the right time to tell me all that? you knew i wasn't okay--i just... you did a shitty thing to me george. i didn't do it to you, and you have to accept that." eleanor told him. "until then, i don't think we can be friends."

"well then i guess we aren't friends anymore, elle." he said, walking out of her bedroom door.

authors note,,,,

i absolutely hate the way everyone treated meredith in this plotline. why were they acting like she did this horrible thing, UGHHHH. drives me absolutely mad. like why should she apologize for being drunk and vulnerable and realizing she didn't want to have sex with him like how was she supposed to control that. it was so foul. okay i'll give it a rest now but i will not stand for the mer slander.