"block me out"
by gracie abrams

" i'll say whatever you want, but i've become such a liar
i used to follow my gut, but now i'm just getting higher
it's been a couple of months since i turned to something violet
i should be happier now, so why do i feel this quiet?
...
i think i'm burning alive, but nobody sees the fire
'cause when i open my mouth, i seem to be stuck in silence
i thought of leaving tonight, but i couldn't drive this tired
plus after all of this time, i should be a pretty crier
and now i only let me down
when there's no one else around
i've been thinking way too loud
i wish that i could block me out
don't know how they see me now
feeling lost in every crowd
i feel ten feet off the ground
i wish that i could block me out
...
and in my head, i make a mess of it
i'm getting tired of feeling delicate
i look around, to find a desolate
i used to try, but nothing's helping it
wish i were heavier now i'm floating outside my body
it's not their fault, but i've found that none of my friends will call me
until i'm left to myself, it's honestly kind of funny
how every voice in my head is trying its best to haunt me "

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season 2, episodes 20-24

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eleanor had been ignoring things. she'd been ignoring the stares from george. she'd been ignoring alex's desperate attempts at trying to talk to her. she'd been ignoring derek's questions about what was wrong. she was ignoring the subtle digs from meredith and cristina about how she'd gone to the 'dark side'. she'd been ignoring bailey's not-so-subtle questioning of what her problem was. she was ignoring the way joe would look at her when she'd order another one. she was ignoring the pit in her stomach--the one filled with anxiety, not food.

she was ignoring things.

she went to work. she did her job. she went to joes. she went home. she woke up. she did it again.

that was all life was at the moment. 

it was empty. she was empty.

hell, even her patients would ask what was wrong with her.

she told them all--her patients, friends, colleagues, brother--that she was fine.

she'd say just enough for them to leave her alone (not that any of them were convinced).

she was ignoring the problem, and for the most part, so was everyone else.

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BAND-AID COVERS THE BULLET HOLE

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"so... my sister. what's going on with her?" derek asked meredith on their walk with doc in the woods.

"she didn't tell you?" meredith asked.

"no, she broke down in tears on the elevator and now she's walking away every time i ask what happened." he told her.

"well if she's not telling you, i'm not telling you. if she wanted you to know, she'd tell you." 

"damn you for being a good friend to my sister." derek sighed and shook his head, meredith only laughed. "tell me this at least, is she okay?"

"well, she's been kind of distant... and she's been listening to her 'sad mixtape' during all hours of the night and day. it's less annoying than it is concerning. but seriously, how does she listen to that stuff all the time?" 

"she did that when she was staying with addison and i back in new york. it would keep us up at night."

"yeah, well iz and i are getting a taste of that now." meredith told him.

"okay, give me a hint, just tell me what kind of sad music. like heartbreak songs?" he questioned.

"no, not really heartbreak." meredith shook her head. "more like the kind of music artists write before they die."

"is that supposed to make me feel better? because it doesn't."

"you're the one who asked." meredith laughed as they continued walking.

"meredith," he said, stopping in front of her. "should i be worried?" he asked her, more seriously than before.

"i think she just needs time, derek. just give her some time."

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SUPERSTITION

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"eleanor, will you just talk to me, please." alex pleaded.

"we've talked. i'm done talking." she told him

"so it's really over? just like that, you're done?"

"just like that. funny how that works, isn't it?"

"i fucked up, okay, but i mean, c'mon elle. we had a good thing. do you really think that's worth ruining over one mistake?" 

"do you remember when we sat laughing on your couch, i said, 'they all think i'm crazy, you know, for liking you. they're saying i've gone mcmental.' and you said, 'maybe they're right, maybe you have gone mcmental. what're you doing with a guy like me anyway? you're mcperfect'." she asked.

"yeah, why?" he asked, the look on his face confused.

"i might not be perfect the way they all say i am, we both know that, but they were right about one thing. i was a fool to think you and i would ever work out, and you're an even bigger fool for standing here in front of me acting like we ever had a chance." she said, tossing her surgical mask into the trash on the way out of the scrub room.

eleanor wasn't sure she fully believed all of what she had just said to him. it was harsh and mostly untrue. really, she just wanted him to leave her alone. every time she looked at those eyes--the ones begging for another chance--she wanted to forgive him. she wanted to let him back in with open arms, and forget about all of the pain and troubles she held in her heart. but she was too scared. like he had said, her fear was always holding her back. 

she didn't believe what she had said, but alex did, and it was enough to push him away.

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the interns were all in the locker room at the end of the day. things had all changed between them since that day, eleanor couldn't help but feel to blame for that. that was partly why she hadn't just been avoiding alex and george--but all of them.

"o'malley... you are a sad excuse for a man." alex said, breaking the silence.

"excuse me?"

"i know you heard me. you're like a whiny little girl."

"alex..." eleanor warned.

"what? it's true. if you can call me a fool, then you should be able to see that he's an even bigger one. have any of you heard him admit that he was wrong?" alex asked, looking around to the rest of them. nobody spoke up. "exactly. a whiny little girl who mopes around like a dog that likes to get kicked. why? because a girl didn't want to sleep with you? you make me sick! and if it wouldn't get me thrown outta the program, i'd smash your pathetic little face right into that locker." alex yelled at george, slamming his fist into the locker.

"i think i'm gonna be sick." eleanor mumbled, running off to the bathroom and locking herself inside.

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BLUES FOR SISTER SOMEONE

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alex had been even more of an asshole since eleanor had said what she said. after all, she was the only thing in his life that made him feel good and without her, he was just bitter.

eleanor was locked inside her own head, and alex was butting his with everyone else's.

"a compilation? that's what you're calling it?" alex asked addison.

"that's what it was."

"really?" he asked. "'cause in that case, it's one of the most bizarre obstetric complications in history."

"she is our patient. our obligation is to her and her only." addison told him.

"oh obligation? like the kind you had to your husband and eleanor?" he questioned.

"dr. karev..." addison warned, slightly taken aback by the comment. "my personal life has nothing to do with this case, and neither does yours. get it together."

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DAMAGE CASE

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"her organs are bleeding, damaged, and exposed and covered in plastic wrap." izzie commented about a pregnant patient in the icu. eleanor couldn't help but feel similarly about her brain (not quite literally, but it was close enough).

"poor marshall." eleanor heard meredith say. she wasn't exactly involved in the conversation, she sat in the chair next to cristina, but her eyes were closed and she hadn't said a word. "i mean, one minute, you're a surgeon, the next, you've destroyed an entire family?"

"last month, i fell asleep in the parking lot on a bench. i literally couldn't even make it to the car." izzie said.

"i fell asleep at a restaurant, at a table while i was on a date." meredith added.

"yeah, well, i fell asleep during sex." cristina countered.

"i think elle is asleep right now." meredith pointed.

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"you and karev broke up didn't you?" addison asked eleanor.

"when did you get the memo that i'm talking to you again? 'cause i'm not." she sighed.

"i know that i hurt you, eleanor, i know that. if i could take it all back, i would. but don't let it hurt you forever. don't let how you feel about me and mark eat at you for the rest of your life, because it will, but only if you let it. don't let us have that power over you. you have too much to offer this world to wallow in your pain forever. let people love you, let people help you. you don't have to forgive me for what i did, you can hate me if you want, but don't let it make you hate the people you love." addison told her, patting her on the shoulder and walking away.

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she was ignoring things. it's easy to ignore things.

authors note,,,,,,

merry christmas to those who celebrate, this is my gift to you.

i decided to do a compilation of different moments from different episodes because eleanor is sort of floating throughout her life at the moment and i imagine although she is living all of these days, there are only a few moments that stick out or actually mean anything to her and that's what these are.

next up is the whole denny situation and the prom thing so that should be interesting. i need to stop wasting my days away writing because i really need to like clean my room and get my life together but honestly i've just been rotting and wallowing in self-pity and have no energy to do anything else but... anyway!!

hope u enjoy this chapter, and hopefully I'll be back with more soon. but tomorrow is christmas and i really should clean so... we'll see.