"grace"
by jeff buckley

" there's the moon asking me to stay
long enough for the clouds to fly me away
oh, it's my time coming, i'm not afraid
afraid to die
my fading voice sings of love
but she cries to the clicking of time
of time
...
and she weeps on my arm
walking to the bright lights in sorrow
oh drink a bit of wine we both might go tomorrow
oh my love
and the rain in falling and i believe
my time has come
it reminds me of the pain i might leave
leave behind
...
and i feel them drown my name
so easy to know and forget with this kiss
i'm not afraid to go but it goes so slow
ohh-whoa
wade in the fire
wade in the fire "

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season 2, episodes 25-26
17 seconds & deterioration of the fight or flight response

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"he's picturing my face. he's totally picturing that dart puncturing my skull." cristina said as she watched burke play darts across the room. "oh, look at that." she mocked.

eleanor watched as he brother stared angrily over at meredith. "derek--derek is picturing you." eleanor said to meredith. "not that he should, he's an ass and i'm sorry." she sighed.

"he called me a whore. he lost the right to picture me." meredith said.

"so i fall asleep during sex--so what?" cristina asked. "ass!" 

"ass!" meredith added.

just in time, alex walked over. "oh, look, another ass." eleanor scoffed, getting up and walking away. "I'll see you guys later." she told meredith and cristina, raising an eyebrow.

"seriously? you're just gonna walk away every time i show up?" alex asked.

"hmm..." she hummed. "yeah, actually, i am." she smirked sarcastically. 

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eleanor had been busy doing sutures in the pit all day. some guy went nuts and shot up a restaurant. eleanor couldn't believe people who did things like that--taking their own pain out on innocent people? 

she also couldn't believe the guy in the e.r. who barely got hurt that wouldn't shut the hell up, maybe it was bad to think, but she couldn't help but wish that the shooter had gotten him and left everyone else alone. she didn't think he deserved to die, but maybe a gunshot wound would get him to shut the hell up.

she had gotten lucky today because alex was out of the hospital so she didn't have to see him in passing all day. but on the other side of that coin, alex was finally off addison's service and therefore, happy. she actually kind of enjoyed seeing her two least favorite people stuck together uncomfortably.

part of her wondered if addison was actually in part punishing alex for her. if it was some kind of secret apology. she wasn't sure, but in a way, she liked to think that it was. 

part of her was starting to feel bad for addison. it was so obvious derek didn't love her anymore, and eleanor knew that addison knew that--but she just kept trying anyway. it was sad. she wasn't on her side of the whole thing, but eleanor could recognize that she really did try to make things work. they just weren't working. and that she could feel bad for.

not that she would ever tell addison that, she could never know that she actually care. it would go to her head.

she--and everyone else--had watched the scene addison made. it couldn't have been more awkward, but eleanor felt for her. for the first time in a long time, she really did.

little did she know, addison's feelings and the stitches she'd been doing in the pit all day were nothing compared to what was to come moments later. because meanwhile, izzie stevens was cutting denny duquette's lvad wire and dr. burke was lying on the ground bleeding.

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when eleanor saw doctor burke on the ground bleeding, she went into shock. people often talk about fight or flight, but they don't always mention freeze. she was frozen. more often than not, eleanor froze. but as a doctor, you don't get to freeze. when someone is bleeding out on the concrete you don't have time to freeze because every single second counts.

but eleanor had never seen somebody she knew on the ground in a puddle of their own blood before. she understood the details of her father's death, but she was too young to remember it. she wasn't there like derek and amelia were. she was only two.

but she wasn't two now, she wasn't just a baby. she was a surgeon, and so was burke, and there was no time to freeze.

"doctor bailey! i need some help over here, it's burke!" she yelled out, rushing to burke's side.

"oh, jesus." bailey said, also in shock.

"we need a gurney!" eleanor yelled.

"how bad is it?" the chief asked as they rolled him into the e.r.

"uh, g.s.w. to the right shoulder." bailey told him.

"he's lost a lot of blood." eleanor added.

"all right, get him to trauma one and keep the blinds closed. yang is on the floor." richard told them.

"oh my god, cristina... what do i..."

"okay, shepherd, you need to take a deep breath or whatever it is you need to do to calm down. if you can't handle this, walk away." bailey told her. eleanor looked into her eyes, nodded, and took a deep breath in.

"i can handle this, dr. bailey. i can handle it."

"good, because you're the best intern i've got and dr. burke needs the best."

"the best? did you just say the best?" eleanor asked excitedly.

"a man has been shot and you're worried about you? pull your head out of your ass and treat the patient." bailey scoffed. "interns these days."

they began their workup on burke when suddenly he shot straight up.

"i'm--i'm fine."

"you need to lay down. you've lost a lot of blood." richard told him.

"i'm fine. l-let go. i'm fine. i have a patient i have to go check on." burke said.

"no, no, no. you are the patient. lay down." bailey told him.

burke chuckled, "dr. bailey, when did you get here?" he asked.

"page shepherd." richard told.

"on it." eleanor sighed.

"you're shot?" cristina asked as she suddenly barged into the trauma room.

"cristina?" burke asked. eleanor looked to her fellow intern with scared eyes.

"get back to your patient, yang." the chief told her.

"he's shot?"

"yang, we got this, okay?

"that guy shot you?" cristina exclaimed and walked out of the room.

"okay, no. no exit wound." bailey said.

"entry to the upper right shoulder. could be lodged in the spine." derek said. "okay, let's roll him over."

"easy." the chief said as burke groaned in pain.

"okay, watch the arm." derek said. "hey, dr. burke?"

"hmm?"

"the bullet is in dangerous property right here, okay? we need to check your hand function."

"i want you to try and squeeze my fingers, okay?" the chief said. burke hummed and tried to squeeze his hands, but nothing happened.

"oh god," eleanor said quietly.

"hush." bailey told her with wide eyes.

"they moved my guy upstairs. how is he?" cristina asked when she came barging back in.

"i need you to wait outside." bailey told her.

"i'm not gonna wait outside." cristina said, pushing past bailey and grabbing his hand. "burke?"

"can we have a moment?" burke asked.

"only a moment." richard said. "i don't want to waste any time, okay?"

"hand's cold." derek noted.

"my hand's are always cold." burke told him.

"mine too." eleanor smiled lightly. she was trying to be empathetic, the way she was with other patients. but this was burke. he wasn't supposed to be a patient. he was a doctor. but right now, he was a patient. eleanor didn't know how to treat him.

"your hand is cold, preston." richard told him.

"i have cold hands."

derek got handed the films and they all gathered around to look at them.

"the bullet could be lodged in the brachial plexus. that's dangerous." the chief said.

"yeah, it's very dangerous."

"what are you gonna do, der?" eleanor asked her brother, worriedly.

suddenly the monitor started beeping erratically and they all turned around.

"oh, no. the trachea's deviated to the left." derek said. "give me betadine."

"absent breath sounds on the right side." the chief added. "let's go, let's go, let's go."

"14 gauge angio."

"let's hurry." richard said as derek punctured burke's chest. 

"dr. burke, dr. burke, you gotta stay with me now." derek spoke loudly. burke coughed and opened up his eyes. "there you go. that's it. there you go. you're all right. right here, right here. your lung collapsed. you're okay." derek said.

"you're okay now." eleanor said quietly.

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"anything i can get for you doctor burke?" bailey asked. eleanor stood behind the shorter woman, almost in fear, like she was her shield.

"no. i'm fine." he told her.

"i mean, there must be something we can do?" eleanor asked. "i could--i could go find cristina?" she offered.

burke stayed quiet for a moment, and bailey looked back at the girl.

"it would be nice to have some ice chips. and, uh, a touch of morphine if i'm allowed... and yes, shepherd, cristina." he said.

"comin' right up." bailey said, and eleanor nodded.

"where is cristina? i haven't seen her since earlier." eleanor asked.

"where are--where are the rest of you suck-ups?" bailey asked eleanor.

"i-i don't know, i've been with burke the whole time, um..." she rambled, checking her pager. "i-i got a couple of pages from meredith a little while ago, um, to denny duquette's room."

bailey turned to burke.

"you know something." she said to him, walking closer to his bed.

"i'm a patient."

"preston xavier burke..." she started. "what have you done with my suck ups?"

"what the hell did you guys do?" eleanor asked in shock. it seemed that was a common theme today.

"you fools better have a good explanation for this." bailey told them. "step away from the patient." she told them, and meredith, cristina, and george all did. "step away from the patient." she repeated, louder when izzie stayed put.

"i can't." she said. "i have to pump his heart."

"olivia, take over for dr. stevens. izzie you're done here. i need you to leave the room" bailey told her. eleanor wasn't sure she'd ever seen dr. bailey so disappointed.

"izzie--" olivia said as she reached to take over.

"no, do not touch me!" izzie yelled.

"olivia, stay... with dr. stevens. help her if she'll let you. you four, outside." she told them. "now!"

"what the hell happened?" eleanor mumbled to meredith.

"i paged you, where were you?" meredith mumbled back.

"with burke!"

"i--"

"where was rational thought? where was cognitive thinking? where was first do no harm? the morals, the ethics--where was sanity when you three decided to help that girl?" bailey whisper-yelled.

"we didn't--" meredith tried to say.

"no, no. no speaking. nobody speaks. i do not want to have to testify against any of you in a court of law. not one word." she said sternly. "she cut his lvad wire." she said, she was almost distraught. george turned away slightly. "look, i said no speaking." bailey said again.

"i didn't say anything!" george yelled.

"i said no moving." she told him.

"cristina, burke is asking for you. go." bailey told her, and cristina ran off. "i'm assuming you ran labs?" she asked, and george and meredith stayed silent. "i'm asking a question. answer me!"

"you said no speak--" meredith said.

"i know what i said.

"yes."

"o'malley, get me the lab results. do not pass go, do not talk to another living soul. get the labs, get back here." she told him. "grey...come with me." she sighed. "shepherd... i... do anything but feed into your dear friend izzie's delusions. make yourself useful somewhere."

"yes, doctor bailey." she nodded as she watched bailey and meredith walk away. she stayed there outside denny's room for a little while longer, peering in to look at izzie.

"iz... why?" she asked, stepping into the room.

"you weren't apart of this, elle, so just go." izzie scoffed.

"i- i was with burke, i- he got shot." she defended.

"no, i'm not mad, i just, you don't need to get yourself involved now--what's done is done, you shouldn't have to suffer because of it--just go."

"i--okay." eleanor nodded, walking out of the room.

"wait, eleanor."

"yeah?"

"if you weren't on burke's case, would you have come?"

"of course." eleanor answered, without a doubt.

"would you have stayed?" izzie asked.

there was a brief pause.

"of course, i would've stayed. whether or not i think what you did was stupid, wrong... you're my family. i'm always going to stick by my family." eleanor told her, walking out and leaving her and olivia alone.

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"shepherd." burke said, grabbing the attention of both eleanor and derek in the operating room. "sorry..." he chuckled. "derek,"

"you don't have to thank me. i'm sure you'll return the favor one day." derek said.

"i was going to say please try not to kill me."

they all laughed. "I'll do my best." derek told him.

"okay." he nodded.

"okay, retract that a little bit right there." derek told eleanor quietly. "okay, i am no removing the aneurysm from the nerve cluster."

"n.a.p.s are dropping."

"arterial pressure is down 50%."

"did you cut the nerve root?" richard asked.

"i don't see any discontinuity of the nerves. all right, let's do a, uh, reflex test on his hand, chief."

"okay," richard said. "nothing."

"damn it. okay. try it again." he said.

"mnh-mnh, still nothing, der." eleanor said.

"this doesn't make sense. i would know if i severed a nerve."

"derek, is the arm paralyzed?" richard asked.

"i'm gonna have to do a wake-up test. 

"derek--"

"there's only one person who can help me figure out whether i've damaged the relay or not, and that's burke."

"he's been through a massive trauma today, der, are you sure that's a good idea?" eleanor asked.

"yeah, and i'm trying to prevent the massive trauma he would feel if i have to tell him he's paralyzed, nellie." he told her. "go find yang."

eleanor nodded and went to get scrubbed out, she found cristina on the floor with the rest of the interns.

"why are you guy's on the floor?" she asked.

"we're in time-out." meredith sighed.

"okay, well, whatever, derek needs you." eleanor told cristina.

"what? why? i thought you were on burke's surgery?"

"i was, but he's asking for you, so c'mon." eleanor rushed.

"is it over? is he okay?"

"just hurry up!" eleanor told her.

"okay, okay, fine!"

"he's doing a wake-up test." eleanor told her. 

"what?"

"yeah, so, um, now that you're here, i'm--i'm gonna go." eleanor said, nervously.

"hey! mcperfect! what's going on? why are you so antsy?" cristina asked her.

"just... let me know how it goes, okay?" she said as she walked away.

maybe it made her weak but she didn't know if she could be in that room. if she could hear dr. burke groaning in pain. if she could see the looks on their faces if his arm was in fact paralyzed. she didn't know if she could be a part of that. so she walked away.

sometimes eleanor just couldn't help but walk away.

authors note,,,,,

hi everyone!! i am so sorry it's been a minute, i was writing so much that i kind of got burnt out a bit and winter quarter classes just started so i'm back in school too... just a lot of stuff! i wanted to say thank u so much for 1k votes and getting close to 30k reads, that's absolutely crazy to me. thank u. i feel like every greys fic i read the character has some weird connection to denny LOL (no hate or anything, it's cool, just something i've noticed) so i wanted to have a slightly different take on these episodes. i don't even like burke, and him and eleanor aren't even close but i feel like this whole experience--treating someone she looks up to--has totally changed her perspective on things because i think she's beginning to understand that as doctors they are not immune to bad things, and this (and the bomb) are the first time she's really seeing that. so yeah, i think our girl is a little freaked out rn and rightfully so!!

I'll try and get the losing my religion/prom/season fianle ep out soon. hope u enjoyed. ok byeee.