"management"
by clairo

" a flash to the upbringing of the child, the canine
what will become mine once i decide to leave?
seek to take and give it all away
once you know, it's only a maze
there could be more days like today
complain to the management
about my lack of self-respect
fast forward to when I'll have friends
and men who don't interject
harping over old regrets
hating how i let it get to me, me
only for a short while
i'm bound to lose my head
and just when I start to think it's ended
another demand commences
i'm doing my future self
the one who needs more attention
I'll forget to forgive and hold it all in
i'm old with some resentment"

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season 3, episode 1
time has come today

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"izzie. iz, come on." eleanor pleaded against the outside of the bathroom door. "she's been in there all night, you guys, we have to do something." 

they all nodded, "yeah" and looked to meredith.

"why are you all looking at me?" she asked.

"this is familiar territory for you." cristina said.

"there is nothing familiar about this. unfamiliar. denny died. the man she loves died."

"yeah, but you're all dark and twisty inside." cristina argued.

"well not to pull that card, but if anything you and elenaor are more familiar with this than the rest of us." meredith shrugged.

"what's the supposed to mean?" eleanor questioned.

"she means the dead dad thing," cristina told eleanor. "seriously? you're pulling our dead dad cards, on us? that's not how that works, mer."

"i'm just saying..."

"well, i'm telling you right now that is so not the same thing. besides, even if it was, i don't have any memories of my dad's death because i was 2 when it happened. unfamiliar." eleanor told them.

"dark." cristina chuckled.

"not the point, and not a laughing matter." eleanor scolded. "our friend is going through something terrible, and i'm sorry, mer, but i think you're our best bet."

"so all of a sudden i'm the president of people with crappy lives?" she asked.

"if it gets you through to izzie, then yeah, sure." eleanor rolled her eyes. "just someone talk to her! i have to go to work!"

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"the clot's been evacuated, are we ready to close?" eleanor asked.

"i just want to make sure there are no remaining bone fragments." derek said. "how's izzie?"

"not good. i don't even know if she's gotten up off our bathroom floor yet." eleanor sighed.

"it never gets easier, losing a patient. it's a little less shocking, i guess, but it never gets any easier." he said.

"he wasn't just her patient, derek. she was in love with him, i mean, he asked her to marry him."

"oh," he said.

"'oh' is right."

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"nice work today, nell." derek told her in the intern's locker room. george was the only one in there when eleanor and derek walked in.

"thanks." she smiled.

"hey, did meredith go home with you and izzie last night?" he asked her.

"yeah, we all did. i'm headed back now, what's up?"

"me too."

"why? i mean... when i left this morning izzie was still laying on the bathroom floor in her prom dress. if she won't talk to any of us, i'm not sure she's going to want to talk to you." eleanor explained.

"well, i'm going to see meredith." he told her.

"um, why?"

"what do you mean, 'why' ?"

"last i checked you and meredith weren't speaking because you called her a whore. which, by the way, derek, so uncool."

"i--"

"dr. shepherd?" a man in a white hazmat suit asked.

"yeah?" eleanor and derek answered in sync.

"i'm with the idc. is there anyone else in this room?"

"um, yeah!" george called out.

"uh, yeah, apparently." eleanor shrugged. "why? what's going on?"

"did you perform the surgery on mrs. toussant?" the man asked.

"yes." derek answered.

"she and her husband were in close contact with a victim of the plague. she may have been exposed." the man answered.

"which means we may have been." eleanor stated.

"yeah." the guy nodded.

"i gotta go. i can't do this." derek said, trying to push past the two men.

"we're waiting on the diagnosis of mr. toussant. this room will be sealed off until we know the threat's been contained and you're absolutely safe."

"you're not saying..." george spoke up.

"you cannot leave. you three are quarantined." the guy said, slamming the doors in their faces.

"great. just fucking great."

"we've been exposed to the plague." eleanor stated nervously.

"they don't know it's the plague, nellie." derek said, a sense of annoyance looming over him.

"so the hazmat suits were just a fashion statement? how are you reading a magazine right now, this is serious!" she shrieked.

"it's just a precaution. just relax."

"oh, yeah, relax. yeah, I'll just relax while i'm quarantined in a locker room with my brother and one of my so-called friends that i'm not even speaking to because he did a stupid thing which he still won't apologize for because, right, we might have the freakin' plague!" she called out loud enough for george to hear on the other side of the lockers. "yeah, derek, you're right, I'll just relax." 

"when the blood work comes back we'll be out of here." he told her.

"or the blood work will come back and confirm that we're all gonna die in here." she shrugged. "and derek, i don't want to die in here. i don't want to die with sweaty scrubs and snacks stuffed in the back of the lockers."

"you guys have snacks in here?" derek asked.

"that's what you got from that?" she asked as derek opened alex's locker. "seriously, derek, that's alex's apple." she told him as he took a bite from it.

"i thought you and alex broke up? yeah, when were you going to tell me about that by the way? i had to hear it from addie."

"it's none of your business." she sighed.

"yet here you are defending his apple." derek smirked.

"it's a fucking apple, derek, it has no deeper meaning." she rolled her eyes.

"then why do you care that i'm eating it?"

"you know what? i really don't." she told him. "you're exhausting, sometimes, you know that?" she asked.

"so are you, miss 'oh, yeah, relax. yeah, I'll just relax'." he mimicked.

"whatever."

"whatever." he repeated.

derek slid down the lockers and sat on the ground right next to his sister. eleanor looked at him, a bit puzzled for a moment.

"what happened between you and o'malley anyway? what happened that he's been stuck in here with us and hasn't said a word the whole time?" he asked, his voice quiet enough to ensure the boy wouldn't hear them.

"you don't want to know. if i tell you, you'll be very unhappy and things could get ugly." she said, her voice just as quiet and her head resting on her older brother's shoulder.

"that's okay, you don't have to tell me, just... are you okay? can you tell me that at least?" he asked her.

"nothing is okay right now." she answered honestly. "things keep happening and i think that they'll get better and I'll move on, but instead more and more shit just keeps piling on top. every time i have a bad day, i just think, you know, there are more of these coming." she told him.

"that's no way to live."

"i know, right?" she chuckled softly, almost letting a tear escape from her eye.

"maybe... maybe before the next bad thing, you try and fix this one? neither of you can leave, i mean you're stuck in here together. what better time to try and work things out?" derek suggested.

"you don't know what happened, derek, it was... it was bad." she told him.

"i can tell, but, nellie? you can always try. it never hurts to try."

"a lot of the time it does hurt to try, derek. most things i try end up hurting." she argued.

"well, maybe this is no different. but I'll be here. I'll be on the other side of the lockers. you won't be alone."

eleanor looked to her brother, teary-eyed, and nodded. she got up from the ground and walked around the corner where she found george, sitting on the floor, pulling at the hem on his sleeves.

"hey," she said softly.

george looked to her briefly and nodded, not saying any words and quickly looking away.

"george," she scoffed. "c'mon."

"what? what do you want me to say?" he asked her as she sat down on the ground--not next to him, but across from him.

"well, i told you the last time we talked--really talked--i want you to admit you were wrong. i figured we're quarantined in here together, maybe you'd finally be able to do that, but i guess i was wrong. i thought at the very least you'd be mature enough to admit it but--"

"i knew." he cut her off.

"what?"

"i knew you didn't feel the same way about me. i knew it when i said all that, and i knew it even more when i kissed you but i did it anyway. i knew. so i'm sorry. i am, really. i thought that one night with you would be worth it, but it wasn't because i realized that one lousy moment ruined everything else, so i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i was wrong. and i didn't say it before, i tried to act like what i did wasn't wrong because i was so ashamed that you didn't feel the same but, man, am i sorry, eleanor."

"oh." she sighed.

"oh? is that not what you wanted to hear?" he asked her. it wasn't even sarcastic or rude, it was genuine.

"no, i mean. no..." she said. "i just, i mean, well of course i didn't want to hear that. nobody wants to hear that. but um, yeah, i guess that's what i was looking for." she nodded.

"right."

it was quiet for awhile.

"when i first met you, i was freaked out by how nice you were."

"really?"

"yeah, i was really skeptical of your intentions. i guess i thought you had ulterior motives. but then i let go of that notion when we became friends because you hadn't tried anything on me. you were genuine and real and you were just a good friend to me, you know? i actually trusted you. that's a really hard thing for me. you didn't know me before i lived in seattle, but new york, man..." the tears started rolling. "i don't know if i fully trust anyone in this world. but for the most part, i had begun to trust you."

"i'm so sorry, eleanor."

"i know." she nodded. not forgiveness or acceptance. just acknowledgment. "i don't know how to trust you anymore and i don't know what that means for our friendship."

"that's fair--"

"but our friend is hurting more than both of us right now. for izzie's sake, i want to put our issues aside and be there for her." eleanor told him.

"that sounds good."

"yeah?" she asked, wiping the tears from her cheek.

"yeah." he nodded.

"you're free to go, doctors."

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FLASHBACK
(UPBRINGING)

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"how do you miss something that you never knew?" a 13-year-old eleanor asked a 26-year-old derek.

"hmm?" he asked. he was just an intern back then, too tired for his little sister's philosophical questions.

"i dunno, just like, i find myself missing dad, but i never really knew him, so is he really mine to miss? i don't have memories of him the way you do, so who am i to actually miss him, y'know?"

"you're too smart for your own good."

"so does that mean you agree? i don't have the right to miss him because i don't remember him?"

"no, it means you're just a kid and you shouldn't have to ask questions like those." derek told her, his eyes resting shut in the middle of their conversation.

"okay, but that's not the point. the point is, how is it possible to miss something that you don't know?"

"i don't know, nellie, i'm tired." he sighed.

"sorry." she mumbled, a silence filling the space. it was a guilty silence because despite how desperately derek had longed for it, he knew that his little sister had only stopped talking because he had made her feel bad for making noise.

"just because you don't remember him, doesn't mean you don't get to long to have him here with you now. maybe you don't miss him, but there is this empty space in your heart that he never got to fill. you can wish to have that space filled without having known him." he told his sister.

"yeah?"

"yeah." he nodded.

"you're the closest thing I'll ever have to a dad." she told him. "is that a lot of pressure?"

"mmm. no, not really. you've got an army--a village--of people rooting for you, so the pressure isn't all on me."

"it doesn't really feel like anybody's rooting for me." she mumbled.

"well, they are, and even when they aren't, i am." he said to her.

"do you think dad is rooting for me?" she asked.

there was a pause.

"i know that he's rooting for you, nellie."

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eleanor opened the bathroom door where she found izzie who still hadn't moved. she didn't say anything, she just sat down on the floor by izzie's head. with plenty of confusion and slight discomfort from izzie, eleanor lifted her head from the floor into her lap and ran her hands through the blonde's hair.

"i can't imagine the pain that you're feeling right now. i mean, i can imagine it, but i know that i will never understand it the way you do right now in this moment, and for that, izzie, i am so sorry. i really am, i wish the words that i say or the things that i do could help but i know that's probably just not going to happen." she told the girl. "and i know it doesn't make it hurt any less, and i know i don't have a clue what you're going through but i do know this. we are all rooting for you. we are an army and we are on your side. all of us, but even if we weren't--denny is. denny is on your side, he is rooting for you, iz. he doesn't want to see you melt into the bathroom floor, he wants to see you get up. and if that takes a while, that's okay, but iz, you have to get up. you can't give up. for denny, you have to get up. for yourself, iz, you have to show up for yourself, too. but i know that's not easy. so i just want to know that we have your back, okay?" eleanor told izzie, the tears pouring from both of their eyes.

and then she felt it. she felt izzie's weight lift slightly off her lap and she watched as she pushed off the floor with her hands.

"i'm ready." izzie said as the two stood up from the floor.

eleanor wrapped the girl into a hug, "you're going to get through this. you're gonna be okay."

author's note,,,,,,,,,

heyyyyyy. lots of fun stuff going on (trauma).

i had to include a flashback bc so many other characters had flashbacks in this ep and i wanted to include one for eleanor that relates to how she helps izzie which is sweet.

also management is so underrated, i picked it for this chapter specifically bc it talks about time and stuff which is slay.

this chapter isn't super interesting in terms of her and alex or anything but i don't want to just skip over denny literally dying and just move onto eleanor's problems LOL like that would be so shitty anyway...

i think that's all ok goodbye.