"ripples"
beabadoobee

" please don't make me hide
i've been putting up a fight
what's the use of it now
when i get pulled down?
anyways, i've been hiding my expressions
you can't blame the reflections
and the ripples on the ground
i might as well have drowned
so i'm keeping busy
work twice as hard as you
want you to believe me
that i can pick and choose
you said you'd let me drive your car
as long as i'm with you
then you'd wait till we'd get far
to tell me that you'd be gone soon
feels too late right now
i've been holding back
'cause i'm afraid that i'm too loud
six feet underground
i feel alone again
stuck between my friends
i guess i'll figure my way through them
not sure how i'd do it
but i'm sure the people will listen
as the water glistens, then i see my reflection
so much clearer "

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

season 3, episode 15
walk on water

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

eleanor and izzie stood in the hallway sipping on their morning coffee's. eleanor hadn't slept. again. she could use all the caffeine she could get.

"you okay? you look like crap." izzie asked.

"thanks." eleanor rolled her eyes.

"i'm serious, are you okay?"

"i'm fine. i just didn't sleep well." eleanor told her. more like hadn't slept at all.

"i was taking a bath." they overheard meredith telling derek.

"that's not a bath. i know what a bath looks like." derek argued.

"drop it!"

"look, your mother--"

"drop it!"

"your mother--" derek said. "look, your mother was lucid and she said things, and now she's--"

"gone! and everything's back to normal. it's not a big deal." meredith told him.

"yeah, except she's having heart surgery today." he pointed out. "hey." he grabbed her face softly, "do you want to talk to the chief? i know you have the triage thing, but he'll give you the day off."

"stop. i do not need rescuing."

"you would have drowned in the bathtub had i not been there." 

"i'm a surgeon. i do the rescuing. you are not my knight and shining whatever." she told him.

"so we're gonna fight because i pulled you out of the tub?" he asked.

"you have a place. you could sleep at it. and then you don't have to pull me out of the bathtub. you're everywhere, all the time, saying things."

"this is the happy ever after part. and in the happily ever after part, the guy is there all the time, saying things, and the girls love it." he said.

eleanor couldn't help but want her happily ever after part. she didn't see it anywhere in the near future, though. she was stuck in whatever the bad part was called in fairytales. she didn't know if she'd ever get out of that part.

"go to work. I'll see you there." meredith said.

"just for the record? i am your knight and shining whatever." derek told her, leaning down to press a kiss against her lips. "morning, nell, stevens." he nodded as he headed down the stairs.

"i did not try and drown myself in the bathtub." meredith told her two concerned friends.

"hey, i ate everything out of the fridge last night. everything. including a tub of butter." izzie told. ironic, eleanor thought. she couldn't remember the last time she had opened the fridge to eat anything at all. not like she could say that though, because that would raise a big, bright red flag. "there's no judgement here." izzie added.

"yeah, and i look like crap because i haven't gotten a full night's worth of sleep in, like, at least two months." eleanor added.

it wasn't a lie, but it also wasn't the only factor contributing to her crappy appearance.

honestly, eleanor had never felt worse. physically, at least. she can think of a few times when she'd felt worse mentally, but honestly? this was pretty high up there.

"you ever feel like you're disappearing?" meredith asked.

"all the time." izzie answered.

"i feel like i vanished months ago. like i'm just a ghost, or a shell of a person running around doing everything that eleanor does but i'm not really her anymore."

"why can't we be those happily ever after people? why can't we believe in that?" meredith asked.

"i don't know what i believe in anymore." izzie said.

"me either. i don't know if i believe in anything or anyone at all."

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"we just received word of a mass casualty incident nearby." the chief spoke. "all available level one trauma centers have been asked to respond. i need to send a team into the field immediately."

"is this a part of the exercise? are we supposed to react appropriately, uh, tense?" cristina asked.

"this is not an exercise or a drill, yang. this is an emergent situation and i need all hands on deck."

"seriously?"

"what happened?"

"i don't have details, just orders." he told them.

they all packed their triage kits and put on their coats. eleanor liked wearing the jackets that the hospital had. they were so warm, and she was always so cold. not that the extra layer helped much anyway, but still, it was nice.

"we're catching a ride with seattle 34." bailey told them. "space is tight, so hold your kits on your lap."

"where are we going?" alex asked.

"we'll know when we get there." bailey answered.

"fire? flood? volcano?" izzie asked. "i'm not really dressed for a volcano."

"stevens." bailey warned.

"sorry. inappropriate. sorry."

"whoa, whoa, whoa. i'm hauling supplies. i only have room for 6." the paramedic told them.

"ugh." bailey sighed. "yang."

"yes?"

"stay with the chief and take care of the incoming wounded." she told her. "the rest of you come on."

"stevens was inappropriate." cristina pointed out.

eleanor shook her head and got into the ambulance, squished between alex and meredith.

nothing could have prepared eleanor for what she saw when the doors to the ambulance opened. man, if she thought she was feeling the worst she'd ever felt? she couldn't imagine how these people were feeling.

there were hundreds of people, choppers, boats, fire trucks, dozens of ambulances. 

a shipping container had crashed into the ferry boat. ferry boats weren't supposed to crash. eleanor had a thing for ferry boats. everyone she knew had a thing for ferry boats.

not so much anymore.

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"this doesn't make sense. ferry boats don't get in accidents. they're safe. they're reliable. the moment you take one for granted, along comes a container ship and boom." derek said. burke gave him a look. "i have a thing for ferry boats."

burke told the nurse to reschedule his surgery for the incoming traumas for the ferry accident. 

derek only continued his rant. "this whole day has just been... something's wrong with meredith. i asked her what's wrong, she says nothing. then she tries to drown herself in the tub." he told burke, who immediately looked concerned. "no-not actually drown, i don't think, but something was going on. she will not talk about it. i mean, we were fine, not it's like... i'm living with a ghost. and don't even get me started on my sister, eleanor? she's all ghost-like too. i ask her if she's okay and all she ever says is that she's tired. why is she so tired? is it possible to be constantly tired? does she not sleep? and if she doesn't sleep, that's got to be part of a larger issue so then why isn't she sleeping? but she doesn't tell me any of that she just says that she'll be fine." derek vented. 

"you're confiding in me?" burke asked.

"yes." derek answered.

there was a pause. "cristina and i are engaged." burke told him.

"congratulations." derek told him.

"i mean, she doesn't want to tell anyone. at least not until she tells meredith and eleanor first."

"yeah. they're different than other women." derek noted.

"yes, these women? yes, they are."

"you know, maybe we'll never know them. i mean really know them. i mean she's my sister, i've known her for her entire time on earth, but it's like she a stranger to me." derek scoffed.

"who? nora? or one of the many other shepherd girls?"

"yes, eleanor. and she doesn't like when people call her nora, now. especially not you. speaking of you, you shouldn't be talking about her at all." derek spoke angrily and then walked away.

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eleanor had been running around treating everyone as efficiently as she could. which, by the way, was a pretty freakin' hard thing to do when you felt as bad as she did.

because she really did feel terrible. she was nauseous and tired, and she had this aching pain in her ribs that wouldn't go away. not to mention how winded she was, it was like she could barely breathe. running around trying to save lives in the field was no joke, she would not be cut out to be a first responder. she was dizzy too, it didn't help that most of her patients were on the ground level so she had to go up and down and up and down--her body may as well have been a rollercoaster.

but eleanor was eleanor--when things got hard she threw herself into her work. she forced herself to work harder than everyone else, because if she didn't give her brain time to think about how crappy she felt, she wouldn't have to feel it, right?

wrong, mostly. eleanor was smart, and therefore, an excellent multitasker, she hadn't graduated early for nothing. she was fully capable of treating patients and thinking about how much everything sucked.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

eleanor saw a man on the ground by the edge of the dock, next to him stood a little blonde girl. she jogged over as fast as she could these days. god, wasn't it humiliating to not be able to jog without feeling like you might collapse. the closer she got the more details she noticed. there was one of their red triage bags. but he was unattended. then she got closer. that was a seattle grace jacket. then she lifted it to see the id tag. that was meredith's jacket.

she looked to the little girl, "hey, sweetie. do you know where the doctor went?"

the pig-tailed girl said nothing. no sound or nod, she just pointed. 

she was pointing to the water below them.

"oh, fuck."

author's note,,,,,,,

hey y'all......... anyways.

i said i didn't know if i would update but i got a 56/60 on my exam so here i am.

this is about to get really bad. i can't take it. 

not to leave you on a cliffhanger but... i'm leaving you on a cliffhanger. fear not, i will post the next chapter soon. either later tonight, or tomorrow. one or the other. it helps cuz i already have a lot of it written in my little miss notes app.

also!!! i'm not writing rebecca's plotline/case. i know it was a super interesting case, but i don't want to introduce it just for it not to impact alex the way that it did in the show. no spoilers, but there will be a similar impact from him and eleanor's relationship. i will say no more.

anyway, hope u enjoy cuz it's about to be a roller coaster.