"heavy"
the marías

" i'm heavy, i'm by your side
forget me 'cause i know what i need
like a loser like me could be fine
i'm heavy, alone inside
don't tell me what i want, what i need
like a loser like me will be fine
maybe i'm living in my head
maybe i'm living to pretend
maybe i wanna stay in bed
far from the weight of the world
in my hands, 'cause they don't understand
is someone telling me "don't get it the water"
what have i done?
i don't wanna get lost inside the color
under my tongue
'cause i don't want to be in love with another
even in another life
can someone tell me it's alright to be covered
underneath the covers?
but i, no, i don't need to sleep anymore
is someone banging at my door
when i just wanna be alone?
is someone banging at my door?
je ne said pas qui est ici "

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

season 3, episode 17
some kind of miracle

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

fear.

it's a heavy thing.

it weighs down on your chest. it makes it hard to breathe--hard to think.

it's heavy.

it weighed down meredith when she drifted down into that water.

it weighed down eleanor with every step she took.

now

now it was weighing down everyone else.

it was weighing down the interns--those were their friends.

it was weighing down alex and derek--those were their lovers.

it was weighing down bailey and webber--those were their students, their children.

it was weighing down derek, mark, and addison--that was their little sister, blood or not.

fear was weighing them down.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

two rooms separated by a hallway. in one, a girl on what could have been her deathbed. in the other, a girl on what could have been her deathbed. between them stood the people who loved them. waiting. just waiting.

burke exited eleanor's room, met first by addison, derek, and mark. the interns were behind another door. he didn't have to face them all at once.

"what do you know? have you determined a cause?" derek questioned frantically. nobody could blame him, it was his sister and his girlfriend. he was barely holding it together, but still, he was doing it, barely or not.

after running more tests, burke determined that bailey was right. only a psych consult would confirm their suspicions on why she was malnourished, but it certainly was the cause of the damage to her heart.

they had decided to keep her sedated for a little while longer to avoid the reaction that meredith's condition might invoke. with lqts, even something like emotional distress could cause an episode--and after the amount of stress that had already been put on eleanor's heart that day, they weren't willing to risk it.

all of this was true, but burke didn't know how to say it to his colleagues--his friends.

he sighed, "yes." there was a pause. "we have determined the cause."

"well? what is it?" mark asked. burke wasn't sure why the guy was there, he was pretty sure eleanor hated him. still, it was obvious that he cared for her.

"maybe you three want to sit down." burke suggested.

"what? no, preston, just tell it to us straight, alright?" addison told him.

"eleanor is significantly below the healthy weight for a woman of her age and height." burke answered. "there are no signs of metabolic dysfunction, so without further consultation, we won't know how she became underweight, but we do know this is the cause of the prolonged qt interval--"

"further consultation... you mean psych? are you suggesting she did this to herself?" mark asked. he may have been a stupid prick at times, but he was always good at piecing things together.

"what?" derek turned back to mark. "is that what you mean, burke?" he asked, turning back to face him.

"yes, i do plan on calling for a psych consult." he answered truthfully.

"no... no way. nellie is a doctor, she knows how important eating healthy is... she... she wouldn't."

"derek," addison sighed.

"no, no... don't you--that was not that, okay? she was having a hard time, she went through a terrible thing, but that was a normal response."

"she's been having a hard time, derek. she's been having a hard time for a while now, i think, you know, maybe it's possible... maybe it's possible." addison shrugged, sadly.

"what are you guys talking about?" burke asked, confused.

"there was a time--" derek started.

"following a traumatic event, eleanor came to stay with us for a few months, and during that time it was very difficult for us to get her to eat, to do anything, really." addison finished.

"we figured it was just ptsd manifesting in depression, but..."

"maybe it was more?" addison posed, almost like a question for her and derek to answer, but it wasn't a question either of them knew the answer to. "maybe it was more." she sighed.

"well, whatever the case may be, eleanor is in good hands. we're gonna get this figured out." he assured. "i should go check on grey, see how things are coming." 

"yeah." derek nodded, his voice barely audible.

"I'll, um, i'll let the other interns know." she nodded.

derek nodded back and slid back down the wall to the floor, mark sighed and sat down too.

addison walked through the door and was met with the four anxious interns. "as for meredith, it's not good--"

"is she still cyanotic? what was her initial temp? i mean, what is taking so long?" cristina asked.

"dr. yang." addison said firmly. "it's not good. they're doing everything they can. i... you should maybe, um... prepare yourselves."

"wait, what about eleanor? is she awake? is she stable? i mean, what the hell even happened, do you know?" alex asked, rambling even more than cristina (and that was saying something).

"i--" addison tried to start, but the words wouldn't come out. although eleanor's condition was better than meredith's, eleanor was addison's little sister. whether or not her and derek were married, that girl would always be her baby sister. now all addison could think about was how she failed her. "they've still got her sedated, they're worried if she wakes up and hears about meredith it will trigger another episode, and her heart's already been through so much stress today, so they are keeping her sedated." addison answered vaguely.

"what kind of episode? you didn't answer the question, do we even know what happened? alex just said she passed out, what's going on?" cristina asked. 

addison sighed. she didn't know how bailey was able to put up with them sometimes. "dr. burke identified lqts on her ekg, anything from emotional reactions to--"

"swimming, yeah." cristina interrupted. "so is it genetic? are they inserting a pacemaker or an internal defibrillator?"

alex watched addison's face closely.

"it's not genetic, is it?" he asked.

"no," she shook her head, giving him a small, but sad, smile. "it's not genetic." 

something was wrong, she was too light. he thought to himself.

addison could tell she didn't have to say anymore, and that alex knew, and that was enough for her to be able to walk away.

"alex, what is it?" izzie asked. 

"alex, what do you know?" george asked.

he said nothing. he just shook his head and walked away.

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derek sat on the floor beside the man he had once called his best friend, his brother.

"this is your fault, you know." he mumbled out.

"what?" mark asked, unsure of what he had said.

"this. this is your fault. she wouldn't be in there, like this. not if it weren't for you. this is your fault." he said louder this time.

"oh, c'mon, really?" mark asked.

derek shook his head and stood up. "yeah, really. all of this, the whole thing, it's on you, mark. you didn't show up for her, and it broke her. you broke her, and you left us to clean up the glass shards and she was finally... she was finally glued back together, she was okay, she was happy, mark. she was fine until you came along." derek said, he was yelling by now. "this is your fault."

derek stormed away and left mark alone in the hallway. 

it really had been all his fault, hadn't it?

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when things with meredith took a turn for the better, they lifted eleanor's sedation. still, she hadn't woken up yet.

mark sat beside the girl, it was only the two of them in the room. 

although she didn't look well, he couldn't help but also notice how peaceful she seemed. to temporarily escape from this world in her sleep.

he squeezed her cold hand and a tear fell from his eye.

"i fucked up. i fucked up when i didn't answer that phone call, when i didn't call you back, and everything i've done since then. or i guess, everything i haven't done. it was selfish, i know that. i'm a selfish guy. you've gotta know that i never meant to hurt you, though. i know i went about it in the wrong way, but i thought i was doing what was best for you. when i listened to that voicemail, i ran into my bathroom and puked. i couldn't believe that he had done that to you. i couldn't believe that i had set you up with him, i just... i felt so horrible. i figured, if i was the guy who got you into that situation, i wasn't a guy who should be in your life. so i just disappeared, and now--now i know that wasn't the right move. i should've been there for you. it was easier for me to blame myself than it was to face you, and i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry for all of it."

"i forgive you." she choked out those three raspy words.

"oh my god, you're awake." he sniffled in shock, wiping the tears from his eyes as quickly as he could.

"i might have decided to forgive you, but that doesn't mean you're the first person i wanted to see when i woke up." she smiled.

"right." he nodded, reaching for his pager.

soon enough, derek and addison joined them.

all of them were too afraid to bring up her condition, and eleanor wouldn't dare make the first move.

derek was angry when he saw mark in the room at first, but eleanor put his mind at ease. "i'm forgiving." she said.

"really?" addison asked.

"yes. i'm learning to let go."

"that's good, nellie." derek smiled, stroking the hair away from her face. he wasn't as relieved as eleanor had hoped he would be.

"why do you all look like that?" she asked.

"just try and remember that you're letting go, and not be mad, okay?" addison suggested.

"what? why? what's going on?" she questioned, her heart beginning to speed up from it's low bpm.

"we all just want the best for you." derek told her as burke, bailey, and dr. wyatt entered the room.

"hello, eleanor." dr. wyatt greeted. 

"oh, you cannot be serious." she scoffed.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

it was a long diagnostic process, and it was that eleanor did not enjoy. 

she knew she had an issue, and she was honest about it, but she wanted nothing less than to be admitted impatient. she told dr. wyatt that she would do whatever she could to avoid that, that she was completely compliant. 

she wasn't really expecting that statement to be followed by a tube up her nose and down her throat, but hey, it wasn't the psych ward, was it?

still, it was humiliating. she was humiliated. as a doctor, she knew iv fluids and nutrition were the fastest way for her to get better. as a human being, however, she could barely look anyone in the eye.

especially not him.

"hey," he said, standing in the doorway of her hospital room. she had since been transferred upstairs.

"hey." she sighed.

"how are you feeling?" he asked.

"how do i look like i'm feeling?" she asked him.

"well, if i was you i probably wouldn't be feeling to great after the day you've had."

"yeah, i'm not." she chuckled softly.

"you fainted in my arms." he said.

"i know."

"i thought i was going to lose you." he said.

"i know."

"i don't know what i would've done if i had lost you. you get that, right? you get how important you are to everyone? to me?" he asked.

all she could do was turn away from him.

"i need you to get that, elle. i need you to understand how much people care about you, how much i care about you."

"i'm sorry." she sniffled.

"elle, you don't have to be sorry, i just, i need you to know... i need you to know that i love you."

he had never said those three words before.

and maybe it was bad timing, but if he didn't say it then, alex wasn't sure if he ever would.

"you love me?" she asked.

"i love you more than i've ever loved anyone, and that's the truth, elle."

she stared at him for a moment, just taking the words in.

"are you going to say anything, 'cause--"

"i love you too, alex." she replied. "i love you more than anyone i've ever loved, too. i love you."

he smiled. she smiled back. he crawled into the bed with her, and she laid her head on his chest.

"hey, alex?" she whispered softly.

"yeah?" he mumbled back.

"i need you to understand that i'm not crazy, okay? i'm not crazy, and you have to promise that no matter what happens, that even if things get hard you're not gonna let them treat me like i'm crazy. i need you to promise me that." 

"i promise, elle. i'm gonna take care of you, alright? you don't have to worry about that. i know you're not crazy." he told her. "i'm gonna take care of you."

author's note,,,,,,,

hey guys, so sorry for the delay in this chapter I've been so busy trying to balance school, work, and other projects.

thank you for your patience.

things are gonna start looking up,,,, kinda??? for a little while at least.

but at least we have the return of alex and eleanor, thank god.

on another note, i finally figured out how i'm gonna end this book (it won't be for awhile, don't worry) but i think you guys are gonna hate me for it LOL. it will destroy your happiness to say the least.

anyway, idk when i'll be able to get the next part out, like i said i'm busy with my college courses and my job is like an hour commute both ways so my schedule has been crammed these days.

also thank you for over 40k reads on this book!! that's so crazy to me that people actually read what i write.