"just for today"
clairo

" honestly, i didn't think i'd end up here this time
or anywhere at all, i'm distant just enough to never fall behind
picturing the saddest scene of wearing bedsheets
and two pats on the back, "it just takes time"
it's getting late
since when did taking time take all my life?
mommy, i'm afraid i've been talking to the hotline again
it's stirring, but the ripples always seek out the ones who carry me, me
...
as we speak, i'm here to meet devils for tea
peering 'round the corner of my life
i throw my drink into the faces of my demise
at thirty, your honey's gonna ask you, "what the hell is wrong with me?"
and finally, an answer from your throat comes crawling
and you can proceed "

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season 3, episode 18
scars and souvenirs

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a lot had happened since the ferry accident. meredith had long gone home, but eleanor was still in the hospital being treated. burke, bailey, and the rest of the world were being especially protective, they all wanted to be sure her vitals and labs were stable before she was discharged.

the tube in her nose was painful, but the damage to her ego was even stronger. to have all of her co-workers and friends know all of her problems wasn't exactly ideal. not to mention the way everyone was walking on eggshells around her like she was a porcelain doll. like she might shatter at any moment.

and alex had moved into the house, which eleanor had yet to find out. he was planning on surprising her when she was discharged. part of it was because george's room opened up, but he was pretty sure the main reason meredith had offered was so he could keep an eye on eleanor.

not that they thought she needed a babysitter, but at the same time, somebody had to make sure she was alright, and who was going to do that if she won't ever talk about anything?

so he was moving in.

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"bailey, when am i getting out of here? i appreciate how thorough you're all being, but i'm okay. i'm gonna be okay, so..."

"you'll be out of here when you're ready to be out of here, shepherd."

"okay, but when is that going to be bailey?" eleanor asked, more impatiently.

"you say you're fine, but have you looked in the mirror recently? maybe you'll be ready to get out of here when you can admit that you're not ready, how about that?" bailey called her out.

"i'm not resisting treatment, bailey. if i was really all messed up like you think i am, i would be resisting, but i'm not. things got pretty bad, i lost control of the situation, but now that it's been addressed i'm getting my shit together. taking care of myself is getting moved up to the top of the to-do list, but laying here, in this room, in this fucking gown, with these stupid socks and paper underwear, it's not helping, bailey. i know that this stuff takes time, but i'm ready to move on with my life."

"we'll take the tube out when you get your weight up a little bit more, and we'll discharge you once your electrolytes balance out. then we can leave you to it. but it's on you, alright? if you don't turn yourself around you're just gonna end up right back here, you understand that?"

"yes, bailey. i understand." she nodded.

"you scared me half to death with this whole thing. you scared everyone."

"i know." eleanor turned away.

"alex... i had never seen that boy so worried. he really cares about you, you know."

"yeah, i do." she smiled.

"don't push him away. let people love you, let them take care of you. it's okay to need a little help sometimes. a little support never killed anybody."

"i know, bailey. thank you."

the shorter resident smiled at the girl.

"hey, can you page alex and tell him to bring by some food later? or you can tell him in person if you want to see his eyes light up with joy." eleanor joked.

"i will let him know." bailey nodded.

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addison had stopped by eleanor's room that day. they had all wanted to be there for her all the time, but there was this elephant in the room that nobody wanted to address.

calling it the elephant in the room was kind of ironic, but you get the point.

how were they supposed to talk about it?

none of them were the kind of people to talk about things, especially not these things.

but addison had all kinds of concerns. the normal concerns--the sisterly concerns. but then there were the ob-gyn concerns. they were all doctors, they all understood the damage but she couldn't help but worry specifically about anovulation. eleanor had lost her period for months and in some severe cases like eleanor's, the menstrual cycle doesn't fully return.

of course she hoped that wouldn't be the case, but she was a doctor. she understood the damage.

addison had ordered more labs to test for any other abnormalities they hadn't already caught, and there it was. exactly what she was worried about.

she had to tell her. but that was hard, because this wasn't just any patient. it was eleanor.

the girl was so young now, and she still had so much time. to know that one thing that happened at 24 would impact the rest of her life was so heartbreaking.

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motherhood.

eleanor had always wanted to be a mother. not now, of course, she was barely an adult.

but still, eleanor always knew she'd be a mother.

maybe that was silly, she wasn't sure.

all she knew is that she would've made a great mom.

would've.

she would've made a great mom.

eleanor had been thinking about the things we give up as human beings, from the minor compromises to the permanent prices we pay.

what would be her permanent price?

would it be to devote her life to the man she loves? would it be to grow another person with her body and give them life? would it be to live? would it be to die?

what would be the ultimate sacrifice?

her father had paid the permanent price by not giving up that watch. his love for his wife—the mother of his children—was so deep he wouldn't give it up. though after the fact, eleanor and everyone else just wished he would've given them the damn watch.

but that was his permanent price, his life, for that watch.

she kind of always thought hers would be motherhood.

to give up everything for your child, to love them more than you love anyone else.

but then addison was standing in front of her, and she was telling her that due to the malnutrition, it was likely she'd never be able to conceive.

maybe that was the permanent price.

not motherhood in and of itself, but its nonexistence as the result of her actions.

perhaps that was the price.

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eleanor had dialed a number into the phone that sat in her room. she sat silently as it rang, just hoping that she would answer. it was late in new york. she hoped she wasn't sleeping, that she wouldn't wake her.

"hello? this is carolyn shepherd."

"mommy?"

"eleanor, dear? what's going on?" she asked.

"can't a girl just call her mom?" eleanor questioned, a small sniffle came after.

"well of course she can, it's just that, well, normally you don't. so what's going on, honey?"

"i just wanted to hear your voice. i missed you, that's all."

"well, i miss you too. dearly, in fact... nancy said when she saw you, you looked sad. are you sad?" she asked.

"i'm okay, mom."

"don't lie to your mother, it's no good, i can hear it in your voice."

"things were pretty bad for a while, but it's gonna be okay."

"do i need to fly out? oh gosh, i knew you moving to seattle was a bad idea, eleanor. you know, just because you have your brother doesn't mean you don't need your mom anymore--"

"mom, you don't need to fly out and seattle wasn't a bad idea, okay? it's good here, in fact, all the problems that i was having were because of new york... i'm gonna be fine, mom, really. i just wanted to talk to you."

"well, i'm glad you called."

"me too." eleanor smiled.

"so how's that alex fella doing, is he treating you right?"

"yes, mom." she chuckled. "he's treating me right, he's doing fine."

"because if he was the one causing you trouble, then you know that i'll--"

"we've had our ups and downs, but he's good mom, he's not causing me any more trouble than the rest of the world."

"well... i'm glad he's doing well, that you're both doing well."

it was quiet on the phone for a few moments.

"how did you know you were meant to be a mother? i mean you had 6 kids, that's a real commitment to motherhood." eleanor questioned.

"jesus, you're not pregnant, are you?"

"no, god, no, mom. i'm not... i'm not pregnant."

"well, if you were, i hope you would tell me. you are a little young, though, i will say that--"

"i'm not pregnant. i might never be, mom." she told her with a more serious tone.

"oh, don't say that. a lot of people change their minds, besides, you'd make an excellent mother one day, eleanor. you're kind, compassionate, caring, patient, smart--"

"i might be infertile, mom." she interrupted.

"oh."

"yeah, 'oh'."

"well there are other ways to become a mother, you know this."

"yeah, i know. that wasn't my point though, i asked you how you knew you were meant to be a mother. some people are meant to, some people aren't. how did you know?"

"you just know, honey, same way i told you that you just know when you're in love. there isn't always science behind the answer you're looking for. sometimes it's just natural, honey."

"okay, thanks."

"is that all? is that why you were calling?"

"kind of...yeah. i was just thinking about it, about you, about dad."

"i think one day you'll understand. all of it, the love, the loss. what you're meant to do and who you're meant to be. just give it more time, you've been in such a rush to finish faster and better than everyone else, some things just take time, eleanor."

"i love you, mom."

"i love you too, eleanor."

"goodnight."

"goodnight."

author's note,,,,,,,

sorry this is short and kind of lame!! i have just been so busy and so stressed, i really wanted to write something and put out some kind of update i just haven't had time. this isn't even something that i WANT to take a break from, like it isn't the thing stressing me out at all i just haven't had time to work on it.

anyway, despite this being kind of short and lame, it is very important to the story as a whole!!! so keep that in mind...........

anyway lol.

thank u for all the reads and votes on this book i heart u all

also peep the new cover, i like it a lot!

i have no days off for the next 8 days so i have no idea when the next chapter will be but when it happens things will be looking up! for now......