"fuzzybrain"
by dayglow

" pretty please
where do i begin?
oh, i don't understand it either
and i don't think i can
fuzzybrain call it what you want
i've felt so distant lately as if i were not
there's rain outside, steady winter
my heart feels like such a mixture
shapeless, i stare at her picture
i don't know her, but i miss her
why, oh why such things?
write it down absent of a pen
the sun has been set for hours and she's rising again
scattered mind, i call it a friend
i wish i thought a bit less and spoke up instead
in my head
there's rain inside my skeleton frame
a hurricane within my rib cage
i never left but i never stayed
i'm cleaning out the fuzz in my brain
time and time again "

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

season 3, episode 21
desire

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

eleanor was finally beginning to achieve a sense of normalcy. the stares were starting to subside and the whispers were finally quiet enough that she actually couldn't hear them. but more importantly, she was starting to feel like herself again.

she could tell that the people close to her were still worried about her, despite how much they tried to hide it.

and in a way, they were right to.

eleanor was trying, she really was, but it was undeniable that things were still hard, they were better, but they were still hard.

but even though things were difficult sometimes, this time she had life on her side. she had people looking out for her and terrible things weren't happening. not that she knew of, at least.

she was doing normal things like kissing her boyfriend and studying for the intern exam--not trying to stop shaking during surgery and not being able to fall asleep at night.

things were normal... good, even.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

eleanor sat close next to alex on cristina's couch. they were all gathered there to study for the intern exam. that's really all they had been doing lately. if they weren't working or sleeping--they were studying.

they were all taking turns in the hot seat and quizzing each other. meanwhile, burke was just trying to get cristina to taste one of the wedding cakes.

eleanor still couldn't believe cristina was getting married. i mean, it was cristina? she was already married, and it wasn't to a living, breathing, person--it was to surgery.

but it wasn't really eleanor's business. if cristina was happy, than eleanor was happy for her, and that was that.

"out of the seat! it's my turn." cristina said.

"no, it's my turn." izzie retorted, scrambling over to the chair.

"no, it's not!"

"try this one. white sponge with vanilla buttercream." burke said to her, attempting to feed cristina a piece of the cake.

"okay, i'm trying to study for the most important test of my intern career. i don't have time for wedding cake."

"okay, cristina, first of all, it's the only test of your intern career. second of all, it's cake just eat it." eleanor rolled her eyes.

"shut it, mcknow-it-all." cristina snapped.

"oh, would you look at that, a new nickname." eleanor acknowledged, chuckling and making eye contact with alex. "i've evolved from mcperfect and mcmental." she smiled.

"just try it." burke pleaded with cristina. she sighed and took a bite. meanwhile, izzie was getting impatient. eleanor and alex watched and laughed. it was moments like these, when they were all close together and happy that things felt good.

"wait, wait, wait. how do you know that? are you studying with the wife's cards?" cristina interjected george who was quizzing izzie.

"what cards?" meredith asked.

"callie was ranked number one in her year after this test. the legend has it her flash cards are... well, legendary." eleanor said playfully. "you picked a winner, george. callie is a badass."

(now, that was only slightly awkward considering her and george's history and the fact he had just recently cheated on his wife with izzie stevens...)

"well, we don't need the flash cards. we are independantly brilliant." izzie said.

"not to brag buttt... i make a pretty mean set of flash cards myself, you guys. I didn't graduate from high school early for nothing." eleanor shrugged.

"no way you just said you make a "mean set of flash cards". it's offical, my girlfriend is a nerd." alex laughed.

"hey, laugh all you want, but when you pass that test you'll be thanking me." she shrugged. he smiled and placed a peck on her lips.

"yeah, i wanna hurl. izzie, out of the seat." cristina told.

"no, no, no, no! i'm kicking all your asses." alex yelled, jumping over eleanor and into the chair.

"this is the lemon. might be a little tart." burke said, feeding cristina a bite.

"what is actinic keratosis?" eleanor asked.

"actinic keratosis is a premalignant lesion." alex answered.

"in old people!" cristina added.

"in anyone." alex corrected.

"is it too tart?" burke asked.

"i don't care. is alex right or am i?" cristina asked.

"learn to care or i'll get another bride."

"i love it. i love all cakes. now break the tie."

burke looked back and forth between the two and then to eleanor. "karev's right." he announced, getting up and walking away.

"yes!" alex yelled, jumping up from his chair.

"it's offical, my boyfriend is kicking all your asses." eleanor mimicked alex's earlier statement.

"yeah? well show us what you got, shepherd." cristina mocked.

"alright, alright." eleanor laughed, taking a seat in the chair.

"what is..."

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

"um... what are you doing?" cristina asked as her and the rest of the interns approached the conference room.

"the bakery wants me to make a decision by tommorow. so, if you can tell me your favorite by then, that would be great." he told her.

"cakes and little place cards? ok, he's turning into a girl." cristina complained.

"oh c'mon, it's sweet." eleanor said.

"yeah, sweet like this cake. i vote this white one." alex added.

"i should bring a piece to derek, right? that's what good girlfriends do. bring their boyfriends cake and communicate."

"derek likes cake." eleanor shrugged.

"hey, how come you never bring me cake?" alex asked eleanor.

"because i'm a terrible, evil girlfriend apparently." she rolled her eyes and smiled.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

eleanor and alex sat on the bottom bunk of a bed in one of the on-call rooms.

"what is the number one cause of death in post-op patients?" she asked him, flipping through the flash cards she had made.

"sepsis?" he asked.

"yup, okay next." she hummed. "what's conn's syndrome?"

"uh, it's, uh..."

"c'mon, alex, you know this."

"it's uh, primary... primary hyperaldosteronism!" he exclaimed.

"yes!! that's it!" she smiled. "you're so going to pass this thing."

"i mean, like you said, it'll be thanks to you." he shrugged.

"no, no... i mean, i was just joking around, but, alex, you're smart, you got this--all on your own--you don't need me." she assured.

"well... i would have to disagree there. i do need you, i need you a lot." he said to her, leaning in for a kiss. she leaned in further, continuing the kiss.

"wait, wait. alex, we should study." she said, pulling away from him.

"orrrr... we could have sex now and study later?" he asked, hopefully.

"you're a bad influence, alex karev." she laughed, leaning in to kiss him again.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

later that day, eleanor sat in the conference room full of cake with her flashcards. but she wasn't all that focused on her studying, instead, she sat with a fork picking at a piece of cake. she was more moving it around the plate than she was eating it.

she wasn't sure why she was so unfocused, because things were feeling good, were they not?

burke walked into the room and saw the expression on her face. he worried for her. eleanor appreciated him. he had been one of the people to save her life, after all. he'd also been one of the few people to not look at her or talk about her like she was crazy.

"how are you doing, shepherd?" he asked her.

"oh, i'm fine. i'm good, actually." she told him.

"really?"

"yeah, really." she smiled.

"just a second ago you didn't look so good."

"but i am, i'm good, really." she assured.

he didn't say anything, he just nodded.

"i just--" she started, stopping herself briefly. "i want things to be good, you know? i've forgiven, i've let go, i'm doing better, but still, i just... i don't know." she sighed. "do you ever look back and miss the person you used to be? even though you don't really know what's different, you just wish you could go back? do you ever feel like that, dr.burke?"

"everything that has happened in my life so far has led me to this moment. if things had been different, maybe i wouldn't be sitting here tasting cakes, planning for this day, preparing for my life with this woman. bad things will always happen, but to go back to erase them... what a waste, don't you think?" he asked her.

eleanor gave him a small smile and a nod. "the the red velvet is my favorite, by the way."

author's note,,,,,,,

hey guys, sorry it's been a minute. i've just been busy and low key uninspired lol. anyway, this chapter is low key trash but it's something so.

also for the quizzing i was just making shit up or stealing it from other parts of the episode LOL

there was something else i was going to say but honestly i forgot so yeah. hope u enjoy, sorry it's short.