The last four days have been some of the worst emotional days I've had in years. It started when I was stressed and heard whispers a few days ago. I couldn't make them out, but it thoroughly freaked me out for the night and I was home alone. These past two days I've been hurting myself in little ways that I didn't really register as being attempts to hurt myself. And then last night I got the closest to actually cutting that I've gotten in a year. Only thing missing was blood. I am so exhausted right now, I don't even know how to get through each day. Laundry hasn't been done in over two weeks because I just don't have time or energy to make it a priority with what little time there is. I dread sleep because it means waking up the next day. Im done reaching out because it just doesn't get better. But the worst part is during the day for the most part I feel alright, so I down play how bad the evenings get. Except today. Today I almost didn't go to class despite being on campus because all I could do was listening to music to keep from breaking down and hitting myself or walls. I can't write, I can't read. I managed to make myself watch a TV show today to stop the anger and bitterness cycle I'm in. My brain wants to me to revert back to my old habit: "you're so angry, and you can't hurt someone else, so hurt yourself." Today was the first day I couldn't fake the happiness.

Psalm 23:4, 6

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. ... Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever."

Matthew 5:2-11

And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying:

3 "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

4 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

5 "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

6 "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

7 "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.

8 "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

9 "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons[] of God.

10 "Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11 "Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. 12 Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Abba, we lift our friend to You and ask that you would send Your spirit to them, and help them see that You are with them; Abba, show them the blessing in the midst of the pain! Abba, they are blessed if this pain draws them closer to You; if they pray like they have never prayed before just to make it through the night, they are blessed because they are searching after You! Abba, You are good! Turn Your ear towards them and cast Your eyes upon them in their time of distress and pain! Abba God! Draw them into Your arms so they may have a moment of peace and not be tormented by the lies of the enemy! They are Yours!

https://youtu.be/CrNwTSgTe7M