On the way back to Hogwarts, I sit in a compartment with some of the other Ravenclaws who don't speak as much. Mandy was so loud I could hear her all the way down the platform, and unfortunately for her I have better things to do than listen to anything she says. My money freshly converted and in my purse, I puruse the only thing I've decided I need before going back to Hogwarts. It's a book on wand magic. I saw Ollivander, and he insisted my wand is well-suited to me, or at the very least it will be. He's a wandmaker, but I'd still like to check myself.

After returning my luggage to my dorm, I head down to the Great Hall. Finding a spot at the end of the table, I read to try to get caught up on Transfiguration. It isn't a class that I find particularly difficult, but I know Professor McGonagall expects exceptional students. In between bites, I practice the wand movement for the vanishing spell. It takes me longer to eat than usual, which is fine since I'm stalling from going back to my dorm.

Draco is at the table next to me, only a bit closer to the professors than I am. He looks at me once. I try not to look any more than that, but every so often, I catch a glimpse of his blond hair out of the corner of my eye.

"Is that the vanishing spell?" Hermione asks.

She's standing behind me. I turn my head to look at her, offering a quick nod.

"I'm getting close to accomplishing it on a kitten now," Hermione smiles. "How close are you?"

I shrug my shoulders, "not very close. I am able to conjure snails, snakes and birds though."

"Conjuring?" Hermione sits down next to me. The table jolts at her sharp movements as she digs through a bag, "that is N.E.W.T. curriculum. Are you sure?"

I nod. When I'm bored with the Sagum I force myself into other classwork, and in second year, Draco conjured a snake in a duel so I figured it couldn't be all too difficult for me, "yes. I know conjuring is technically harder, but I'm better at technical magic anyway."

She pulls out a book that I can only imagine makes her shoulders ache from the slam it makes against the table. Hermione digs through the book, looking for the section on conjuration.

"How many birds?" she asks.

"A flock of a dozen or so," I offer, looking down at the page in her book. "The texts make it seem more difficult than it is. It requires precision to not create hybrid creatures or suffering ones. You can take your time when conjuring something. Ten minutes, even."

"You have to vanish objects quickly," she agrees.

Vanishing doesn't require precision so much as certainty. You must be determined to make the object into non-being and therefore everything. I find it easier to make something out of everything than to turn something into out of being something altogether. The finality of such a process is something I find difficult. Also, vanishing requires power to get it done all at once. A quick burst.

"My wand isn't all that good," I pull it out. "The blackthorn doesn't agree with me."

She looks at my wand. It's thirteen and a quarter inch, so far too long for a witch like me. Longer wands, especially those approaching fourteen inches, are made for people who have a big force of personality. Hermione or Ginny would be suited to such wands, or even Mandy. Not me. The core is unicorn hair, so it is consistent, but it is also consistently inadequate. The blackthorn is suited to power and dark arts and not precision, which is perhaps why the wand does not like to obey me. My magic is not one that draws from a brute force, an infinite well. Additionally, blackthorns best suit witches and wizards after they've gone through hardship. I'm still waiting for what suffering is enough for the wand.

I dig through my own bag and pass her the book I bought. She flips through it, reading the pages.

It seems I cannot be powerful and disciplined. I would rather be discipline than out of control. It might do me good to snap the wand and force Ollivander to allow me to purchase a new one around Easter.

"We should study together," Hermione offers. "You can teach me how to conjure a flock of birds and I can help you learn to vanish a kitten. Once I've properly done it, of course."

I nod my head. She passes me back the book and stands up to leave.

When I look up, I notice that Draco is looking at me again. He nods his head, and I know the direction without having to ask. So, I finish the last few bites of my dinner and pack my things. From there, I head down to the boat house by the Great Lake.

There, I conjure a snake. Then, I hold my wand out to it. Vanishing conjured objects is easier than vanishing ones that already existed. I force my wand at it. The snake fizzles out of existence, each end crackling in flames and burning away. It looks like a charm, and it certainly would not pass as a vanishing spell. I cannot control the flame in the wand.

"Conjure it again."

Draco is leaning against the entrance to the boat house. He steps inside.

I breathe in and out, holding my wand. It is not meant for precision or a constant trickle. It wants me to burst. I ignore the wand and conjure the snake. Draco steps behind me.

"Stop hesitating," he tells me.

I shake my head, "I'm not."

"You are," he muses.

His chin rests on my shoulder. His breath colours the air. One arm snakes around my waist. His body is warm, igniting, ablaze. I cannot do it no matter how much power he pushes into me.

"It's not that easy," I tell him. "My wand doesn't do what I want it to do."

"Surely your magic is bursting at the seems," he muses, the rumble of his voice reverberating through his chest into mine. "It's been three weeks since you last casted a spell, correct?"

He is right. Outside of this space, I haven't cast a spell in a long time.

"The wand doesn't let me control it when it's built up," I tell him. "It's not precise."

"You control it," he answers. "The wand is supposed to magnify magic anyway, not contain it."

I lower my wand. He moves his hand from my waist, snatching my fist in the air. Draco holds my arm up, pointing it at the snake.

"If you know the theory, you know the practical," Draco's hand is tight on me. "Just do it."

"I can't," I tell him.

"Yes, you can," he insists, his grip tighter. "Do it, Marty. Cast it."

I blast out a vanishing spell. A bang erupts from the wand, and just like that, the snake has gone from being into non-being. It is in everything now, but nowhere I can grasp.

I pull myself out of his grip. I step away from him, but he grabs my wandless arm and spins me back around to look at him. There are tears in my eyes and I look away, turning my head so my hair falls in front of my eyes. He brushes the hair away and I flinch.

"Did I do something?" he asks. He leans in closer and I pull away. He stutters, "I don't understand."

I take in a deep breath. I put my wand into the pocket of my cloak and wipe the tears out of my eyes. It's stupid, really. It shouldn't bother me like it does.

"I just... I thought it would help," Draco says, his eyes wider than I ever seen them. "You did do it."

I wrap my arms around myself. Then, I sit on the ground, in the middle of the boat house without heading into a boat. He sits down next to me. The quiet is nice. His fingers trace the knuckles of my dominant hand, feeling every ridge. I lean against him. His heart thunders in his chest, so loud it resonates in mine. I sigh.

"The summer after third year, my brother had broken up with his muggle girlfriend," I whisper. "She was dating someone new, and he was looking to make some money. The muggle girlfriend, Tessa, knew where we kept our spare key. My parents were out of town for Mum's work. Tessa thought the place would be empty. She didn't know that I was home from school.

"They came in to steal some jewelry and found me inside. Her new boyfriend tied me to the stairs. I... well... it was scary. Anyway, I ended up blowing up. Almost literally. The muggles got treated by St. Mungo's but the boyfriend was missing a lot of skin. The obliviators had to modify some memories."

Draco leans in closer to me. His arms wrap around me, and my hands grip his fingers. I tap him, the same way he always taps his wand. That pattern. It feels a bit soothing.

"I'm sorry," he offers.

Somehow, it's enough.

~~~

I love them so much but I am so sad I couldn't put more effort into this. Enjoy!