Client: hazel_gliipps

Reviewer: MsGlaze

A Note to the Author:

Before diving into this review, I want to acknowledge the dedication, time, and vulnerability it takes to write a book. Every story is a labour of love, and sharing it with the world is no small feat. This review is offered with genuine respect for your work and with the hope that any feedback, positive or constructive, will be helpful and encouraging. Please know that my intent is never to offend, but to engage thoughtfully and supportively. Every writer is on a journey, and I'm honoured to be a small part of yours through this review.

This is a chapter-by-chapter review of your book, offered with the intent to highlight both the strengths and areas for growth in each section. While the grading provides an overview, this review aims to offer more detailed, thoughtful reflections that may not be fully captured in the grading section.

Chapter 1: I've already discussed the hook of the story in detail, so I'll focus on this particular line: "Blackthorn isn't your average college." It doesn't quite land the way it should. In fiction—especially stories with a third-person narrative—it's unusual to address the reader directly using the second person, unless it's a self-insert or Y/N-style story, which this clearly isn't. That use of "your" breaks the immersion just a little. It's also inconsistent with the tone and style established elsewhere in the piece, where the narration stays closely tied to the characters' perspectives and doesn't really engage the reader directly.

A cleaner, more fitting alternative would be: "Blackthorn was no ordinary college." It keeps the statement bold and intriguing, but it aligns more naturally with the rest of the narrative tone. It also has a slightly more mysterious or dramatic edge, which I assume is the intent, especially given the nature of what follows.

Speaking of what follows, the information that comes next does a good job of raising questions about her past. There's a sense of something hidden or unsettled, and the way it's written suggests there are things the protagonist either can't or won't talk about yet, which is a great way to build intrigue. That layering of mystery works well, and the pacing feels just right at this stage.

Also, I want to say your writing style overall is quite fun. It doesn't take itself too seriously, and that makes the darker or more intense moments stand out more when they do hit. I especially liked the line "Only fun, party vibes allowed," used to describe humans—it's punchy, light, and subtly ironic. Lines like that give the story its personality and help memorably define the tone.

So in short: that one line could use some tweaking for consistency and voice, but otherwise, you're striking a really good balance between mystery and attitude. Keep leaning into that voice—it's sharp and engaging, and it gives the story a clear sense of identity.

On another note, I have to say—her fashion sense is great. It gives her character an extra layer of personality without being over-described. It's stylish but feels effortless, which is always a win. As for physical attributes like her red hair, those can definitely be revealed more organically through the story. If you feel the need to introduce it early, a good option would be to break the paragraph into two parts so it doesn't feel like a block of information. That way, it's easier to digest and gives the details space to land.

The use of literary devices, like similes, is always refreshing to see. They're not overdone here, which I appreciate—they add flair without drawing too much attention to themselves. Her inner thoughts, especially the ones around the concept of a mate, are compelling. There's this undercurrent of vulnerability and resistance that makes her interesting. Kara is shaping up to be quite a badass character right here, and the confidence laced through her thoughts and actions is definitely working in her favour.

The image of the party also comes across really well. It feels chaotic, a little messy, and very on-brand for the kind of wild high school or college party most people can picture, so it lands authentically. But then, the flashback just drops in out of nowhere. It honestly feels a bit distracting. At this point in the story, we don't necessarily need to dive into why she dances or explore that emotional backstory in detail. It pulls us away from the present scene and the momentum that's been building.

That kind of flashback might be better placed at the beginning of the chapter, where the tone is still being established, or woven in more subtly as part of her internal narration. Right now, it feels a bit too abrupt and ends up interrupting the flow. It's important to keep the narrative as clutter-free as possible, especially during high-energy or pivotal scenes. Readers are already invested in the current situation, and jumping away too soon can shake that focus.

In short, a lot is working really well here—character, tone, and voice all come through clearly. Just be mindful of pacing and where emotional backstory is introduced. When used at the right moment, those flashbacks can hit harder and add depth without pulling us out of the scene.

Next—Jaxon flanked by girls? That phrasing feels a little off. It comes across as slightly dismissive or even objectifying, which doesn't quite match the energy of the rest of the party scene. So much of the atmosphere is well-handled and vivid, so that one bit stuck out. Maybe reword it to suggest the attention he's drawing without making it seem like the girls are just scenery. You've already done a great job describing the chaos and vibe of the party, so just a small tweak would bring that part in line.

That said, Jaxon's actual description is solid. You paint him clearly, and his presence is striking. But his actions? Kind of creepy, honestly. No matter how hot he is, the way he behaves crosses a line into uncomfortable. If that's intentional, and he's meant to be a little unsettling, then it works. But if he's supposed to come off as charming or magnetic, you might want to dial it back just a bit so he doesn't end up giving the wrong vibe.

Now, the dance scene—spectacular. Kara absolutely owns the moment, and pulling off that bold move? Loved it. Her confidence practically jumps off the page, and it's one of those scenes that makes you pause and reread just because it's so satisfying. That was a high point, and it definitely left an impression.

The line comparing Astrid to a mom and then immediately having her yell "hot as fuck" cracked me up. It's such a perfect contrast and adds so much to Astrid's character. It's those kinds of little details that make her memorable. She's chaotic in the best way, and she really has all the qualities of a top-tier best friend character—loyal, loud, supportive, and just enough of a mess to keep things interesting.

Now, Kara and Ryker's first meeting? Hats off to you. Genuinely one of the standout moments of the chapter. The tension is there, the chemistry is immediate, and the way it's written keeps the reader hooked. There's something charged in the air during that scene that sets it apart from the rest—and it's paced beautifully. Kara's panic afterward is also incredibly well done. You manage to show her internal spiral without spelling it out, which is always the stronger choice. Her reaction to Ryker, the physical and emotional whirlwind, feels authentic and layered.

And the chapter ending—nicely done. Everyone's confused, but what makes it so intriguing is that they're confused for totally different reasons than Kara. That contrast really works in your favor and sets up the next chapter with just the right amount of intrigue.

Overall, this is a strong chapter with so much working in its favor. With just a few tweaks, especially in phrasing and tone, it's only going to get stronger.

Chapter 2: I must start off by saying—I love it when we get to see two points of view in a story. It adds depth, contrast, and nuance, and you've pulled it off really well here. The dual POV works in your favor, especially because the unfolding mess between the characters is genuinely fascinating. Seeing how each side processes the same event gives us more to latch onto emotionally and makes the tension between them more compelling. It's messy in all the right ways, and I'm here for it.

That said, I wanted to point out one line that could use a little tightening: "She just walked away. Walked." The repetition works for emphasis, and I get what you're going for—it's meant to show Ryker's disbelief—but using the word walk three times feels a bit too heavy-handed. Two repetitions are enough to drive the point home without it sounding repetitive or overly dramatic. Just something to keep in mind: subtlety often leaves a stronger impact.

Speaking of Ryker—he's shaping up to be a bit of a green flag, honestly. He's respectful toward women, which is refreshing to see in a male lead, especially in this kind of high-stakes, emotionally charged setting. He seems to genuinely care about boundaries, and that sets him apart from the usual brooding, overbearing types. At the same time, it's very clear that he's dealing with a storm of raging hormones. The physical tension he feels is written vividly, and while that's totally fine—expected even—it's good that he doesn't cross lines or make the reader uncomfortable.

His friends also deserve a mention. They're quite supportive, and that dynamic adds warmth to the scenes. It's always nice when side characters are more than just background noise—they contribute to the emotional tone of the story, and you've done that well.

Now, on a more technical note, I have to bring up the use of italics. There's a lot of it. Italics are great for emphasis, internal thoughts, or emotionally charged moments, but when they're used too frequently, they start to lose their impact. In some places, it feels like every other word is leaning, and that can get distracting. The more you italicize, the less weight each instance carries, especially when something really important does come up. So my advice would be to go through and ask yourself, "Does this word really need that emphasis?" If it doesn't, let it stand on its own—your writing is strong enough.

This is a great job of continuing the momentum from the previous one. Ryker's perspective adds valuable insight, and the emotional undercurrent is steadily building. With a little refinement—particularly around repetition and emphasis—it'll be even sharper. Keep doing what you're doing; the foundation is strong, and it's only getting better.

The expansion of the drama in this chapter is beautifully handled. You've managed to escalate the emotional stakes without making it feel overwhelming or overdone. The pacing is balanced, and it flows naturally from the previous events. Ryker's emotions are justified—he's clearly dealing with a complex mix of feelings, and it doesn't feel forced or melodramatic. This time, the details are woven into the narrative with finesse. Nothing feels dumped or out of place, and that makes the emotional build-up land much more effectively.

I also want to commend the way dialogue tags are used throughout. They're subtle, not repetitive, and they do exactly what they should—guide the reader without pulling focus from the actual dialogue. Even more impressive is how you've used body language to show intricate emotions. The quiet clenching of fists, the shift in posture, the change in expression—all those little things give us insight into Ryker's state of mind without having to spell it out. It's a great use of the "show, don't tell" principle and adds a layer of realism to his interactions.

That said, Ryker does come off as a bit snobbish by the end of the chapter. Now, I don't mean that as a harsh criticism—it's more of an observation. His care and protectiveness toward his mate are clear, and his internal dialogue on that front is actually quite mature and well thought out. There's a genuine desire to do right by her, which is admirable. But when it comes to his friends, particularly how he interacts with them, there's some tension. With Jaxon, the behaviour is somewhat understandable. No one wants to see someone they care about entangled with someone who's seen as a rival or a threat, especially in such a sensitive dynamic. That reaction feels human.

However, Ryker holds a high position under the King, and with that kind of authority comes the expectation of control and diplomacy. His current handling of interpersonal relationships—especially with those who are supposed to be close to him—suggests he still has some growth to do in that area. I'm not saying it's a flaw in the writing; on the contrary, it opens the door for solid character development. But if this isn't how you intended him to come off, you might want to revisit those interactions and see if they reflect the version of Ryker you're aiming to portray.

Either way, I'm here for it. Flawed characters who learn and grow are always more compelling, and Ryker has the potential to evolve into someone both powerful and deeply respected, not just for his strength, but for how he handles those around him.

His chapter also ends on a promising note. There's a quiet intensity that lingers, and it keeps the reader curious about what's coming next. The brief mention of rogues, too, is intriguing. It adds a layer of looming threat or mystery that hasn't been fully explored yet, but promises more complexity down the line. Overall, it's a short and sweet chapter, packed with meaning, character insight, and just enough drama to keep things tense without losing focus.

Chapter 3: The chapter opens with Kara's emotional fallout, picking up seamlessly from where we left her in Chapter Two. Her turmoil feels raw and immediate, and that makes the transition incredibly smooth. The decision to show her throwing up in response to the overwhelming wave of emotions is a natural and believable reaction. It grounds the moment in something physical, giving weight to what she's experiencing emotionally. However, I did notice the word "literally" is misused in that context. It's one of those words that can either strengthen a sentence or pull it out of shape depending on how it's used. Here, it leans more toward the latter—it weakens the impact slightly because the situation already speaks for itself. The emotion is there; the emphasis doesn't need to be overstated.

That said, I have to admit—you're insanely good at writing emotional scenes. There's a certain honesty in the way you approach Kara's mental and emotional state. It doesn't feel forced or dramatized for effect. The way you portray her unraveling—how heavy everything becomes, how memories and pain surface all at once—feels incredibly true to character. You manage to write her internal struggle with a kind of restraint that makes it even more powerful.

As the chapter unfolds, it delves further into her trauma, and this shift is handled with care. We aren't just told that Kara's suffered—we're shown the layered, brutal reality of her past. It's uncomfortable in the right ways, and you don't shy away from the emotional consequences. The chapter also ties nicely back to the prologue, providing a deeper context and a kind of justification for that haunting first line. That was a really smart narrative choice—it creates a full-circle moment without feeling forced, and it adds a quiet weight to what was already a powerful opening.

The structure of how her traumas are revealed is also effective. Each one unfolds with its own distinct emotional tone, and each hits harder than the last. This progression builds a strong case for why Kara is the way she is now—why she holds back, why she resists the idea of vulnerability, why she's built walls. It also supports one of the more compelling thematic undercurrents of the story: the idea that immortality, far from being a gift, can actually be a curse. That message comes through loud and clear, but never in a preachy or overdone way. It's embedded in Kara's pain, in her loss, and in the numbness that follows.

You've managed to give us emotional exposition without derailing the flow of the chapter. It doesn't feel like a detour; it feels necessary. This part of the chapter is heavy, yes, but it's also beautifully written and deeply important to the character arc you're building.

All three traumas are genuinely interesting and compelling, and they go a long way in helping the reader sympathize with Kara. Each one reveals a different facet of her pain, her strength, and how much she's had to carry over the years. By giving them their own space in the narrative, you allow us to really feel for her instead of just knowing that she's suffered. That emotional layering is one of the strongest parts of this chapter—it makes her more human, even in an immortal context.

Up until this point, I have to admit I was a little confused about the whole mate concept. Most of what I've read in werewolf lore sticks to the idea that every werewolf has one destined mate, so I was unsure if your story was following that traditional route. But the explanation here clears things up. The distinction is clear, and it's handled in a way that doesn't feel like a sudden info dump. It's worked naturally into the emotional narrative, which helps a lot in keeping the pacing intact.

The last line of the chapter is also a nice touch—it brings in a bit of humor just when things are getting very heavy. That tonal shift is subtle, but it works. It gives the chapter a little breath at the end and reminds us that Kara still has a sharp, grounded personality, even after everything.

That said, this chapter does feel more like a filler, but in a good way. It bridges emotional gaps and offers background without feeling like we've taken a complete detour. In fact, I'd say it works much better than throwing in random flashbacks mid-action, which can be jarring and often distract from the current narrative. You've chosen a good place to slow things down and let the emotional stakes deepen, which makes the next chapter feel like it's going to matter even more.

There were a couple of minor typos scattered throughout, so I'd recommend giving it one more revision pass just to clean those up. Nothing major, but tightening those small things will help polish what is already a strong chapter.

All in all, Chapter 3 delivers depth, clarity, and emotional resonance without sacrificing pacing or flow. It feels like a necessary pause, and it adds meaning to everything that came before.

Chapter 4: I absolutely love this setting—fantasy grounded in a high school environment always brings a unique charm. The tension between the supernatural and the mundane adds so much potential, and you're using that contrast to build something really engaging. That said, this particular part of Chapter 4 feels like it leans too heavily into exposition at the expense of narrative momentum. There's quite a bit of information front-loaded into the section, and while some of it is helpful for context, it starts to weigh down the flow of the chapter. When the balance tips too far into explanation, especially early in a scene, it can detach the reader from the characters and story you've already established.

A specific example that stood out is the line: "Especially Rogue Lycans, which are rare to begin with." This line, while informative, is a sentence fragment and doesn't hold up grammatically if used as a standalone sentence. It lacks a subject-verb structure and reads more like a clause than a complete thought. A stronger, grammatically correct alternative might be: "Rogue Lycans are especially dangerous, though they are rare to begin with." This keeps the tone consistent with the rest of your world-building while maintaining clarity and flow.

Another point to consider is the repetition of Ryker's reaction to Kara. We already explored how much she affects him, both physically and emotionally, in Chapter 2, and it was done effectively there. In this chapter, we revisit that same emotional beat with more or less the same intensity and internal struggle. While it's understandable that the connection between mates is overwhelming and confusing, especially early on, going into that much detail again starts to feel repetitive rather than revelatory. Instead of restating how drawn he is to her, perhaps shift the focus to how that attraction is affecting his behaviour or decisions in a new way. What's changed since he first realized it? Has he started questioning things? Is he more irritable, distracted, or unsure around others? That kind of development adds depth without recycling internal monologue.

The conversation that follows Ryker's inner thoughts also feels like it could use more substance. Right now, it's mostly characters talking about Kara in a way that feels a bit too on-the-nose. They describe her rather than showing their impressions through meaningful anecdotes or referenced interactions. For example, instead of saying she's strong or unique, they could reference specific things she's done or ways she's surprised them. This gives readers a chance to interpret those qualities for themselves, rather than just being told outright. It's also a great opportunity to highlight subtle character dynamics and relationships that help the world feel more lived-in.

There's also quite a bit of telling rather than showing here. This kind of exposition-heavy dialogue can be tricky—it feels necessary because the characters have knowledge the readers don't, but when it reads like characters are just talking to fill the reader in, it loses authenticity. People don't usually explain things they all already know unless it's to make a point, tease, argue, or joke. Giving the dialogue more emotional grounding or conflict, whether playful or serious, would make it feel more natural and engaging.

This chapter has some great moments and setups, but trimming down the exposition and leaning more into character interaction and development will strengthen the pacing and engagement.

The line right after Jaxon calls Kara hot is very off-putting. Ryker's response—"what's mine"—doesn't sit well. It carries this possessive tone that feels objectifying, even if that's not the intent. I understand that the mate bond is meant to be intense and instinctual, but wording like that strips Kara of her autonomy in the moment. There are better ways to express protectiveness or jealousy without sounding like he owns her. Something more grounded in emotion rather than possession would feel more respectful and in line with the otherwise powerful emotional writing you've done elsewhere.

Ryker's internal thinking is genuinely interesting—his frustration, his confusion, the way he's trying to grapple with everything happening around him. You've managed to portray the chaos in his mind really well. That said, he comes off as way too arrogant throughout this section. There's a noticeable lack of patience or emotional intelligence. I get that he's overwhelmed, and sure, he's a dominant personality, but right now, he isn't showing much control. That's fine if that's the direction you're going with his character, but it does raise questions about his status. Someone in his position—General under the King—should have a greater sense of discipline, or at least the ability to contain himself in tense or confusing situations.

If the idea is to show that Ryker is struggling to balance his authority with the chaos of the mate bond, then you're on the right track. But if the goal is to portray him as a reliable leader, this arrogance and lack of emotional control clash with that image. A little more self-awareness or conflict over how he's acting could help balance things out and still keep his flaws intact. I'm not saying he needs to be perfectly composed, but showing some internal check-in—some regret, hesitation, or doubt—would go a long way in making him feel more well-rounded and believable as a leader.

The ending of this section, though, is done well. It wraps the scene with a punch, and there's this shift that makes you take a step back and reassess Ryker. It subtly hints at his potential recklessness or irresponsibility, and if that's intentional, I think it works. It plants seeds for future conflict or growth, and I'm definitely curious to see how you'll address that moving forward. But again, if you want him to come across as more dependable in the now, that last moment leans a bit far into impulsiveness.

Either way, Ryker is an intriguing character, but this part could benefit from refining his tone and reactions to keep him in line with the role you want him to play.

Chapter 5: There are a few small but noticeable technical issues in this section that can be easily fixed with a quick polish. First, the sentence beginning with "I was trudging toward..." would read better as "towards" instead of "toward." While both are technically correct, "towards" tends to sound more natural and fluid in British or international English, which aligns better with the tone and rhythm you've established so far.

Next, in the sentence "But the moment I approached, Ryker's eyes locked on me and the table went quiet as I sat down," there should definitely be a comma after "approached" to separate the introductory phrase from the rest of the sentence. Also, a comma before "and" would improve the clarity and pacing of the line. It would look cleaner and read more smoothly like this: "But the moment I approached, Ryker's eyes locked on me, and the table went quiet as I sat down." These are small things, but tightening the punctuation in these moments really elevates the overall flow.

On to the content—Jaxon doesn't look great here. His behavior feels intentionally provocative, and not in a harmless way. The fact that he's deliberately riling Ryker up, fully aware that Kara is his mate, comes across as pretty disrespectful. If that's intentional and meant to showcase some underlying tension between the two, it's effective. It's a good setup for potential conflict, but it also makes Jaxon look a little petty or immature. If this is part of his character arc, then that tension works. If not, it might need some softening to avoid pushing him too far into antagonistic territory.

Kara's confidence continues to shine in this scene. It's been a consistent trait throughout, and it's always great to see a female lead so at ease in her own skin. She owns her space, both physically and emotionally, without trying too hard to prove anything. It feels authentic, and that's not always easy to capture. There's a strong sense of self in the way she carries herself, and you've managed to highlight that without overexplaining it, which makes it all the more effective.

What's particularly well done here is the tension that gradually builds at the table. It starts small—just eye contact, body language, a shift in tone—and slowly intensifies. There's a quiet power in that slow burn, and it's incredibly satisfying to read. Nothing is rushed, and each interaction adds a new layer to the atmosphere. It's one of those scenes where you can feel the air getting heavier by the second, and that's not easy to pull off. You've let the emotions speak through subtle actions and reactions, and that patience really pays off in terms of reader immersion.

This section does a lot with very little. With a few minor technical tweaks and continued attention to character dynamics, it's a strong moment of tension and power-play that leaves a lasting impression.

Let's start with something small but important—the line where Kara says she wants "to fuck his brains out" should not end with a question mark. That line, as written, is a statement of desire, not a question. Ending it with a question mark muddles the tone and causes confusion for the reader. It's a bold, unapologetic line, and it needs to land with that same level of confidence. Keeping it as a declarative sentence would preserve the strength and clarity of the moment.

Now, about Jaxon—he's really starting to grate at this point. If I'm being honest, his presence is becoming more irritating by the minute. His behavior throughout this section feels inconsistent, like he's unsure whether to be a decent friend to Ryker or to provoke him just for fun. This constant flip-flopping makes it difficult to understand his character motivations. If the intention is to show that he's struggling with his own role in the group or masking jealousy or insecurity, then that nuance needs to come through more clearly. Right now, he simply comes across as disrespectful, especially considering how everyone else in the group is more or less supportive or at least composed.

Among all the characters shown in this scene, Jaxon definitely feels like the least respectful. He knows Kara is Ryker's mate, and yet continues to push buttons, throw out provocative comments, and generally stir the pot. Again, if this is intentional and part of some larger arc, that's fine. But if not, it might be worth reevaluating how he fits into the group dynamic and what you want readers to feel toward him.

Let's also touch on the bouts of lust we're seeing—it's not that they aren't well-written, because they are. The chemistry and attraction between Ryker and Kara are palpable. But the intense waves of horniness are becoming a bit repetitive in both frequency and tone. Each time it comes up, it's portrayed similarly—overwhelming heat, intense longing, physical tension. After a point, it starts to lose its punch. These moments would land harder if spaced out more or expressed in new ways—varying the emotional layers behind the attraction or combining it with other narrative stakes can really deepen the effect.

That said, the balance of physical and emotional responses in the latter part of this section is very well done. It doesn't feel like we're drowning in lust or sinking too far into emotional introspection—it strikes a comfortable middle ground. The characters' internal reactions, particularly Kara's, are well-paced and believable. There's a sincerity to her confusion and frustration that really humanizes her, even amid all the supernatural elements. It's these grounded emotional beats that make her such a compelling character.

And although the chapter felt really short, that's not necessarily a bad thing—it's a testament to how invested I am. It left me genuinely wanting more. That lingering feeling at the end, like you've been pulled out of something too soon, is actually a sign that the story is doing its job. So take the credit where it's due—you've built something that pulls readers in and makes them care.

Overall, with a few tone adjustments and character consistency checks, this section could easily go from good to great. The writing is strong, the characters are engaging, and the tension, both emotional and physical, is well crafted. Keep doing what you're doing, just with a touch more control over pacing and tone.

Chapter 6: The opening paragraph of this chapter does a great job of capturing Ryker's emotional state. There's a rawness to his frustration and desire that feels very real and unfiltered. His inner conflict is laid bare, and you've balanced it well without making it feel overdramatized. His simmering irritation toward Jaxon also feels justified at this point, given Jaxon's increasingly aggravating behavior in the previous chapters. Ryker's internal response to Kara—how she affects him on a visceral level—was intense yet believable, and his satisfaction at seeing her just as flustered as he is added a nice layer of mutual vulnerability, even if neither of them wants to admit it out loud. That moment of pleasure, where he knows he's gotten under her skin, is amusing and oddly charming—it gives Ryker a slightly smug, but not overly cocky, edge.

His reaction to Kara's words—especially the blunt, sexually charged ones—feels on brand for him. The way he takes them in, processes them through his own lens of control and dominance, and then lets that guide his resolution is consistent with what we've seen of him so far. You've done well to keep him emotionally reactive, but still grounded enough to follow a logical arc within the moment.

That said, this chapter is mostly built around Ryker's brief burst of feelings and his decision to act on them. It's effective, and it doesn't drag, but it's very short—perhaps a little too short. Alternating between longer and shorter chapters is absolutely fine; in fact, it can work really well to maintain pacing and reader interest. However, with this particular chapter, it felt like there was a bit more room to expand. We understand Ryker wants to be with Kara physically—this chapter solidifies that—but aside from the shift in his resolve, not much else happens.

There's a lot of potential for adding depth here. Maybe we could've gotten a clearer glimpse of what changed his mind—what specifically pushed him over the edge from resisting the mate bond to embracing it so fully? Was it a particular look Kara gave him? A flash of memory? A physical sensation that tipped the scale? Giving just a bit more insight into the emotional switch would make the payoff feel richer. Even a few lines exploring the consequences or the risk he's willing to take would elevate the stakes.

That being said, Ryker's confidence really stands out in this chapter. He feels sure of himself and his decision, which makes for a great setup for future tension. Kara is stubborn, too, and the thought of both of them digging their heels in, trying to control the situation in their own way, opens the door for some seriously juicy conflict. His confidence isn't just about seduction—it also hints at future drama and power struggles, which is exciting from a storytelling perspective.

All in all, while the chapter is short and focused, it's still effective. You've kept Ryker's voice strong and consistent, and you've given readers a clear picture of where he stands. It just feels like this moment could have carried even more emotional or narrative weight with a bit more added. Still, as a pacing tool between more packed chapters, it does its job—and leaves room for the next one to hit harder.

Chapter 7: Unrelated to the plot itself, I just want to say—I've always found myself oddly excited when authors include a symbol or visual break, like the chili you've used here. It's such a small thing, but it builds anticipation in a very reader-specific way. It signals a moment we've been waiting for. And in this case, it's especially fitting—because let's be honest, this chapter has been brewing since Kara and Ryker first met in Chapter One. There's this underlying current that's finally reached a boiling point, and I think most readers will be flipping to this chapter with a bit of a smirk, knowing something big is about to happen.

Now, back to the story. I think this scene has all the right emotional weight and build up, but you could benefit from dropping in just a few more details about the house itself. At this point in the story, we're stepping into Ryker's space for the first time in any meaningful way, and giving us even a short description of the house's vibe—the lighting, the atmosphere, what kind of place it is—would help ground readers in the moment. It doesn't need to be an entire paragraph. Just a line or two threaded into Kara's observations would do the job, especially since she's already hyper-aware of her surroundings and emotions.

On that note, the way you've handled her description of the room is really well done. There's something intimate in the way she sees it—not just the physical space, but what it represents in that moment. Her feelings for Ryker quietly bleed into the language, and it works beautifully. It's subtle but effective. You're showing us her emotional state through how she perceives the room, rather than just spelling it out, which is exactly the kind of emotional layering that strengthens a scene like this.

What you've done in the room, I think, is what you could mirror in the broader space of the house. Kara's emotional lens is the perfect filter to give us small, meaningful glimpses of the setting without breaking the pacing. For instance, if the hallway is dimly lit or smells like something familiar, how does that amplify the mood she's in? If the walls are bare or cluttered, what does that tell us about Ryker—and how does Kara feel about that? These kinds of sensory details can add quiet depth to the scene and help readers feel like they're truly stepping into another world.

I have to say, your use of similes throughout this chapter is lovely. They're vivid but never overdone, and they help crystallize Kara's emotions in a way that's both poetic and honest. It adds texture to your prose and makes her voice feel all the more real. Just a few more threads of setting tied into the emotion, and you'll have an even richer, more immersive scene.

Kara's inner monologue continues to be an engaging part of her character, and here it adds layers to the scene. However, in this particular moment, her tone could use a bit more sharpness. She's been portrayed as witty, confident, and emotionally self-aware throughout the story, but that edge feels somewhat dulled here. It's not that vulnerability isn't welcome—it absolutely is—but it feels like her usual spark is missing. The build-up of tension between her and Ryker is perfectly paced; the intensity is high, and the anticipation is real. But when that moment of resistance comes—when she says "no"—it lacks her typical conviction. It's almost as if the fire that makes her Kara dimmed unexpectedly, and that shift doesn't quite match the character we've gotten to know.

And then, what Ryker does next raises a few red flags. The idea that he continues to push, even after she says no, even with the context of the mate bond, feels uncomfortable. Honestly, it's not sitting right. Mate or not, ignoring someone's verbal refusal crosses a line. This isn't a matter of romantic tension anymore—it starts to edge toward coercion, and that's dangerous territory. Consent needs to be clear, enthusiastic, and mutual, regardless of the supernatural bond they share. It's not just about fantasy dynamics or intense desire. Readers still look for respectful interactions, especially when power imbalances are present, as they are here.

The scene could have worked much better if, upon hearing her refusal, Ryker had taken a moment, paused, pulled back, and checked in with her. That kind of reaction could've shown maturity and respect while still keeping the heat alive. The fact that he doesn't do that takes away from the "green flag" energy he had been giving off earlier in the story. It's disappointing because up to this point, Ryker had been one of those rare dominant characters who seemed to also understand boundaries. This moment chips away at that image.

It's important to remember that characters can make mistakes, and they should. But when they cross into potentially harmful behavior, it needs to be acknowledged. Either by the characters themselves or through consequence. If this is setting up something intentional—like a future realization, apology, or reckoning—then fine. But if it's brushed over, it runs the risk of alienating readers who've been rooting for both of them.

The emotional weight of the scene is there. The tension is compelling. But Kara losing her confident tone, paired with Ryker disregarding a very clear "no," creates a dynamic that doesn't feel aligned with the characters we've been following. It might just need a small adjustment—either in Kara's response or in Ryker's actions—to make it feel emotionally grounded and respectful.

The line "My phoenix" definitely caught my attention—and left me a bit confused. Up until now, it's been understood that Kara is the phoenix, or at least that she possesses that identity. So when Ryker uses that phrase, it raises the question: is she metaphorically the phoenix, or is there an actual entity—a phoenix spirit—that resides within her? If there is a deeper layer to the mythology, it would help to hint at it more clearly. As it stands, it creates a bit of ambiguity that disrupts the moment. If this was meant to be symbolic, maybe framing it in more poetic or internalized language would clarify the intent without leaving readers second-guessing the lore.

The conversation that follows between Kara and Ryker is undeniably charged. Emotions are high, the bond is thrumming between them, and the tension is palpable. But one thing that doesn't quite sit right is Ryker's growling laugh. If he still believes she's human—or even just unsure of her powers—it feels odd that he's making no attempt to hide such a blatant display of his Lycan nature. We've seen Ryker be intense, sure, but also calculated and in control. This moment feels like it undermines his usual instinct to protect or at least shield her from things she may not be ready to fully understand. A subtle shift here—perhaps a stifled laugh, or one shared with himself—could keep the tone intact without contradicting what we've seen of his character.

On Kara's side, her internal struggle is portrayed beautifully. You can feel the tug-of-war inside her. I especially appreciated that she tries to pull away from him rather than getting fully swept up in the moment. This shows strength of will and growth—she's not just reacting to the bond, she's actively choosing her boundaries. That moment when she reclaims her composure and walks out was so satisfying. It's true to the Kara we've come to admire: confident, stubborn, and fiercely in control of her choices. Her ignoring the pull of the bond and standing by her resolve? That was a win for her character.

However, the paragraph that follows this moment feels unnecessarily repetitive. Kara begins to reflect again on things we already know—her pain, her emotional barricades, her trauma. Except for the mention of her healing process, it doesn't add anything new. And what's more, at this point in the chapter, it slows the momentum. After such a powerful exit, we expect the story to keep moving forward. Instead, this self-talk retraces familiar territory and kills the pacing. A few lines of reflection while she's walking away would be plenty to drive the point home without feeling redundant.

The brief mention of studying that comes next is thankfully just that—brief. It's a good choice not to drag that part out, since it doesn't hold emotional weight compared to what just happened. It keeps the chapter from veering off into unnecessary filler.

All in all, the emotional beats land, but a bit of trimming and clarification would make them even stronger.

The dream sequence in this chapter is a fantastic plot device. It builds anticipation beautifully, setting the emotional tone for what's to come and seamlessly leading into the more intense moments of the chapter. I love that it gives the Phoenix a chance to finally come to the forefront. We've been waiting for Kara to break free from the chains that bind her, and this dream gives her the space to confront her powers in a way that feels organic and earned. The Phoenix has been such an important part of her identity, so it's refreshing to see it shine through after the restraints that have been placed on her. The whole setup feels like a culmination of everything Kara has been resisting up to this point. The moment where she embraces it—where she lets herself feel something—is a payoff that feels well-deserved.

Kara's internal struggle, as she tries to convince herself that everything happening with Ryker is just for the bond, is brilliantly executed. You can feel the conflict within her—she's torn between what she wants and what she thinks she should want. The fact that she keeps trying to rationalize it, even as her body betrays her emotions, really hits home. It adds depth to her character and shows just how far she's come, even though she's still grappling with her choices. That internal conflict between desire and reason is one of the most compelling parts of the story, and you handle it with great finesse.

However, there is one small moment in the dialogue that might need a little cleaning up. There's a line where Kara speaks, asking him not to make her beg. It feels like the word "don't" is used twice in quick succession, and it doesn't quite seem intentional. It's a small thing, but cleaning it up would make the sentence flow better and sound more natural. A quick rewording or punctuation fix (like adding a comma) would easily resolve that.

The details in this scene are well-balanced. You provide just enough to give us a vivid picture without going overboard. The descriptions are sensual, but they're focused on the emotional pull between Kara and Ryker rather than being too explicit or gratuitous. There's a subtlety in how you handle the build-up that keeps the emotional intensity at the forefront, which is exactly what the scene needs. Too often, scenes like these can get bogged down in excessive physical descriptions, but you've kept it just enough to be evocative without feeling like it's too much. It creates an atmosphere that's charged with tension and desire without becoming a full-on "party in the pants," as you aptly put it. There's restraint in the writing here, and it's effective.

What stands out, though, is the emotional undercurrent that runs through the scene. Kara's journey, both physical and emotional, is the focus, and that makes it more impactful. It's not just about what's happening in the moment, but about the emotions and conflicting thoughts that come with it. You've done a wonderful job of making the scene about more than just physicality. It's about Kara's agency, her choices, and her reluctance to give in, even when every part of her body seems to be begging her to do so. Ryker is a force in this scene, but Kara's inner monologue gives her the control she needs. The complexity in her emotions here is what makes this scene stand out.

As the chapter draws to a close, the ending sets the scene for deeper trouble. There's a lingering sense that the consequences of everything that's just happened will be far-reaching, and you've effectively used that tension to make readers want to keep going. The stakes are higher now, both for Kara and Ryker, and that shift in the dynamic promises even more drama and complexity. You've managed to wrap up this chapter with the right amount of suspense, and it leaves us itching to know what's next.

Overall, I have to say—this was a wonderful chapter. It has all the right ingredients: the right amount of tension, character growth, emotional depth, and a perfect balance between physicality and emotional connection. Kara's evolution is evident, and she's truly coming into her own as a character. You've handled the complexities of her emotions and desires with such skill that it feels both believable and compelling. Ryker is a driving force in her life, but it's Kara's journey that truly makes this chapter shine. Well done!

📚 Book Review Scorecard

a. Appeal (Cover + Title) [10 points]

Title relevance and intrigue (2.5/3):

The title is unique and captures attention. The capitalisation is correct. The length of the title is good. It is relevant to the story as well. Ryker is the Lycan, and Kara, the phoenix, is his flame. This concept is actually very fascinating if you think. However, I believe using the word 'Lycan' can be off-putting for some, as I had no idea of Lycans until this one, though I have read plenty of werewolf stories on this orange planet of Wattpad. Your story, being a romance novel, might not attract the select category of readers, as it sounds more like a fantasy novel than romance. That way, they might not be intrigued enough. But other than that, great job.

Cover design quality ( 2/3):

The cover could have been made with a better colour combination. The title fails to shine since the background is more or less orange, and so is the title. Using a contrasting colour would have been a better choice. The cover is great, but I believe it could have been more striking. After all, we all know that stories are judged on their cover in Wattpad. Your name is present, and I love how a line from the blurb has been inserted. While at it, I want to mention that though I don't judge themes while reviewing a story, your character themes are very pretty.

Genre match (4/4):

The score speaks for itself. The title and the cover both hint towards a werewolf fantasy, which is pretty much relevant to the story. The genre is incorporated into both of these well. There is something mysterious about the first impression, which ignites an interest in readers.

Total: (8.5/10)

b. Blurb [5 points]

Clarity and structure ( 2/2):

The blurb is written in a very clear language that is easy to understand by all. The structuring is very well thought out, which makes it readable. It is broken into big and small chunks, putting necessary emphasis on what is required.

Grabs interest ( 1.5/2):

The writing is clearly immersive. The main characters are introduced, and the primary conflict is hinted at. The first line itself delivers a strong punch. The only thing that is off is starting the blurb with 'Her'. Using this word to start could be replaced by her name for better effects. It is better if such words come afterward. Also, it ends on a question, which is perfect as readers want to seek answers to those questions now. The length is great. Kara is promising as a lead.

Avoids spoilers or clichés ( 0.5/1):

There is no spoiler in the blurb. It is mostly as much as is required for grabbing a reader's attention. I couldn't help but raise my eyebrow at the description of the male main character, though. Using the words 'dominant, possessive, and utterly relentless' in the very introduction is best avoided. You need not introduce the whole personality of Ryker right here, it must gradually develop throughout the story. A good character stands out when readers can feel their characteristics by reading their actions. Basically, what I mean is, show, and don't tell.

Total: ( 4/5)

c. Hook [5 points]

Opening strength ( 1/2):

The starts on an interesting point. The main character is entering her final year, and a massive party is being thrown. The scenario is introduced, and we can tell the events are going to get interesting. The mild problem is the next paragraph, though. That feels like a lump of information about her friends. In the very beginning, we need not know about the names of all the hosts. You can introduce their names through dialogues or actions later. That way, they would be much more memorable. Next follows a lot of information on the 'Lycans'. While I can register its importance, it's not the wisest to tell them all at first. This hinders the story flow at the very beginning. Instead of saying it all at once, sprinkle them in the narrative from time to time.

Raises questions or tension ( 1/2):

Note that this speaks about the hook only. In the beginning, we are intrigued by the party. But slowly, the camera turns to Kara's background. This can be a mood-killer. Think of a movie. In the very first scene, if there is a shot of a party, and slowly, the camera pans towards the character's backstory, would it be an interesting watch? So, you can make a separate prologue and tell us her necessary backstory, or weave in these parts in the story thoroughly.

Originality ( 0.5/1):

The hook is promising as after a bit of information, goes well. The only reason I didn't give it a full score is because it has been done before. Starting with a high school party where the main character is trying to hide their true selves has been done. That doesn't make it any less interesting, given the way it has been done.

Total: ( 2.5/5)

From this point on, things have already been discussed in detail. So, it is written in short.

d. Grammar and Spelling [20 points]

Spelling and punctuation accuracy ( 5/8):

There weren't many spelling mistakes per se. I found a couple that seem to be typos. There were quite a few punctuation errors, though. I have pointed out a few in the chapters section. One more check of the writing for a few punctuation marks here and there would definitely benefit the writing.

Grammar consistency ( 5/6):

Grammar was mostly pretty polished. Tenses were correct, dialogue tags were used correctly, and there were mostly correct sentences except for a few mistakes here and there.

Readability ( 4/6):

There are typos in the story that definitely hinder the story to some extent. It is distracting. Other than that, the punctuation errors often alter the entire meaning of a line. However, they are not so many in number. An overall polished story it is; so I would say the content makes up for such minor problems.

Total: ( 14/20)

e. Plot and Originality [20 points]

Story structure ( 4/6):

The story is well structured. It starts off at an interesting point. The leads meet in the very first chapter. Alternating between the point of view of Kara and Ryker benefits the story as we remain constantly updated on what is going on in either of their minds. I would say the issue is how the characters randomly go on to talk about their feelings. This needs immediate fixation as this is like a mood killer of the story.

Plot coherence ( 4/5):

The plot is mostly coherent throughout. It is gradually unfolding its many layers. The only thing is see as an inconsistent factor is the characterisation of Jaxon, as I mentioned previously. Despite being Ryker's friend and well aware that Kara is his mate, he tries to flirt with her. Right in front of him. But before that, he was trying to be all good to Ryker. And it seems unrealistic that he conveniently forgot the matter of the mate and started to flirt with Kara. He needs to choose a side here, either flirt with Kara or be a good friend to Ryker. He isn't achieving either like this.

Conflict and resolution ( 5/5):

As I mentioned before, a number of times, perhaps, you are great at unfolding tension. The story is uncovering itself layer by layer like a lotus. The conflict is brewing beautifully. I haven't read the whole story, so I can't tell how the final resolution is. And, I need not speak much further as I think the score speaks for itself.

Originality ( 2/4):

The idea of a character being unwilling to accept their mate due to past trauma isn't entirely unique—it's a fairly common trope in paranormal and romance fiction. However, what truly sets your story apart is the way you've executed it. The emotional depth, pacing, and how naturally the conflict unfolds make it feel fresh and engaging. You've taken a familiar concept and handled it with care, making the characters' struggles feel real and relatable. While the trope itself may not be original, your strong storytelling and character work breathe new life into it. That's where your strength truly shines.

Total: ( 15/20)

f. Engagement and Writing Style [10 points]

Voice and tone ( 3/4):

One thing about double-point-of-view stories is that having two unique voices is quite hard, but you went very close to the target. Not many writers can achieve what you did with your writing. We can taste your unique spin in the writing. Both have a distinctive voice. But there was a line in the first chapter that addressed readers (as mentioned in the first chapter overview). Also, when both are thinking along the same lines, they lose their distinct tones to an extent. They both think along the same lines, only with genders reversed.

Pacing ( 1/3):

Pacing of the story needs good fixation. Improving pacing in writing requires careful attention to sentence structure, word choice, and the flow of ideas. Writers should first evaluate the purpose of each scene or section, determining whether it needs to move quickly or slowly based on its emotional weight or narrative function. Concise language is essential for faster pacing; eliminating redundancy and tightening prose allows the reader to move through the text more rapidly. In your story, random thoughts keep deviating from the story from time to time. Sentence length also plays a key role—shorter sentences tend to accelerate the rhythm, while longer ones create a more reflective tone. Paragraph breaks can serve as natural pauses or moments of emphasis, helping to guide the reader's attention. Writers should also consider how much time they spend on exposition versus action or dialogue, as lingering too long on internal thoughts or descriptions can slow the narrative unnecessarily. Clarity and momentum should remain the priorities, with transitions used deliberately to maintain forward movement. Cutting unnecessary backstory or tangents helps sustain focus and keeps the reader engaged. Overall, improved pacing results from a balance of rhythm, relevance, and variation, with each element of the text contributing intentionally to the overall flow and energy of the piece.

Emotional impact or suspense ( 2/3):

As I mentioned before, you're genuinely so good at writing emotions. It's one of the strongest aspects of your storytelling. The way you portray what the characters are feeling makes it easy for readers to connect with them. We can follow their thought processes, feel their highs and lows, and really understand where they're coming from. That emotional depth adds a lot of heart to the story and keeps us invested in the characters. However, I did feel that the suspense element was a bit lacking. There were definitely a few moments where tension could have been heightened or a twist could have added more intrigue. A bit more unpredictability would keep readers even more hooked. That said, the overall story is still very strong, and the emotional writing more than makes up for it in many places. You've done a wonderful job so far—keep going!

Total: ( 6/10)

g. Character Development [10 points]

Protagonist depth ( 3/4):

Kara is a sexy powerhouse, in a couple of words. Honestly? I can write an entire essay about her. She has confidence in herself. She is not afraid of being herself. She has learnt to get over her trauma and is set to live life to the fullest. She has her moments of conflict. She tries to stick to her resolve. She has an interesting voice, which makes the chapters from her point of view very interesting to read. The story is basically carried by Kara on her shoulders. She is one of those characters people can actually look up to as a fictional inspiration. I just wish you could give her more prominent flaws and make her make mistakes. If she goes on like this till the very end, with no middle character development, she can very well be classified as a breed of Mary Sue despite her internal struggles. I have only read seven chapters, and I believe that she will improve.

Supporting characters ( 1/3):

I am going to classify Ryker as a secondary character here. He is the picturesque boyfriend of most girls reading Wattpad. He is much more flawed than Kara. However, reading the story, I was under the impression that Ryker's red flags are being viewed through rose-tinted glasses without being called out for what they are. One is trying to still sleep with Kara after she said no for the first time. Second, he is irritatingly rude to his friends. He is also unbelievably arrogant. As much as I love flawed characters, these traits must not be seen in a good light. It can also create a mentality of normalizing the toxicity of a man just because he is hot among the young audience.

Everyone else in the story lacks severe depth. All of the friends solely exist as matchmakers of the story. They are too forgettable. I want to see them doing something for themselves, apart from serving the purpose of bringing Kara and Ryker together.

Dialogue ( 2/3):

The dialogues between Ryker and Kara are spot on—realistic and true to their personalities, which adds authenticity to their interactions. However, the dialogue with the friends could be improved. Right now, their conversations feel a bit generic. Since each friend has their own distinct role in the story, it would help to inject a bit more individuality into their lines. Giving them unique speech patterns, quirks, or ways of reacting to situations would not only make the group dynamic more engaging but also add depth to their characters, making them stand out more in the narrative.

Total: ( 6/10)

h. World building [10 points]

Setting depth ( 3/4):

The settings are immersive, but there are moments where the "white box syndrome" becomes apparent. At times, a lack of descriptive details makes it difficult to fully visualize the environment. The school setting itself, with its werewolf backdrop and hints at deeper tensions like rogue issues, is intriguing. However, adding more sensory details or specific features of the surroundings would help anchor the reader in the scene. Whether it's a glimpse of the school's atmosphere or a subtle clue about the tension brewing, these small additions can make the world feel more tangible and dynamic.

Internal consistency ( 3/3):

It's a perfect score here. There are no discrepancies in the world-building. The world is pretty consistent.

Cultural or historical layers ( 2/3):

I keep hearing about the king. It hints at deeper cultural layers. We see a bit of how werewolves live. But not much, though I hope we will see that clearly in further chapters. We know the history of Kara. I am curious about all of them. Good job on such solid backstories.

Total: ( 8/10)

i. Personal Enjoyment [10 points]

Entertainment value ( 3/4):

Emotional engagement ( 3/3):

Re-read or recommend potential ( 3/3):

Honestly, I think I have covered everything so well here that I don't have much to add! The details are spot-on, and it all came together beautifully. Just want to say at last—you did a really great job!

Total: ( 9/10)

🧾 Final Score: ( 73/100)

Reviewer's Notes/Comments:
I must also add, please don't be disappointed with the score. We all have that one English teacher who never awards full grades even to the best writing. You have a great score here. Also, there are a lot of points to cover on 100, so there is a lot of deduction. Thank you so much for giving me a chance to review your book. I look forward to your work in the future.

With best regards,

Anea.