REVIEWER: june_berrin

CLIENT: AKIMISAN8

Thank you so much for giving me the chance to review your story.

❥ Title/Cover: The title is intriguing and might spark the interest of the readers. And it resonates very well with the plot. The cover feels very peaceful and shows the main character in what I assume is deep sleep or some sort of relaxed state or maybe dead. The colors are used to convey a very light-hearted theme, something fresh and peaceful, and with the cover, it together wishes to convey a peaceful state of death.

❥ Blurb: The blurb is well written. By the end of the blurb, it appears as if you were attempting to relate it in some way to the title. There were some repetitive phrases used, especially in the last sentence of the first paragraph, which are similar to the last sentences of the blurb. I would suggest using a different thesaurus or a different approach to make it smoother.

❥ Storyline: The plot is unique, and I like how traumatized the main character is. The way you slowly unravel snippets of the main character's life one by one helps the reader to connect with him a lot more. Your story depicts the ugly sides of life and the injustice some people face. Your descriptions are also on point, for example, with how you described Anika. You give exemplary scenery descriptions, while there is a bit of a lack in world-building; everything else has been done well.

❥ Characters: The way you wrote Kyle was so devastating, I literally felt like reaching into the screen and hugging him. The dread, the trauma, the pain he might have endured could have played a major role in his adult years. I like that even before the dad came into the scene, you made the readers think of him as a very dangerous character, with the way dread bloomed in Kyle at the mere thought of his father. Which made the fear Kyle felt at his presence even more justified and understandable.

The other characters, like Luna, her mother, and his mother, were also portrayed well, showing how money is not the benchmark of happiness in life.

❥ Grammar and Writing: In real life, we make some sounds like 'Oh, Aww, etc., but these sounds should mostly be used scarcely while incorporating them into writing. In the first chapter itself, three dialogues in a row kept on stating with 'Oh,' which felt a bit out of place.

You tend to use too many ellipses, the three periods in your writing, especially in areas where they are not needed and could be better replaced by a single period alone.

I have also spotted some grammatical and punctuational errors; I will list some out below.

Original: "Oh, I see... Well, Luna will come play with you tomorrow Kyle, you should only play with noble kids not these....uh never mind."

Edited: Oh, I see. Well, Luna will come to play with you tomorrow, Kyle. You should only play with noble kids, not these... uh, never mind."

Or you can rephrase it a bit, like: "Oh, I see. You should only play with noble kids, Kyle, not these... well, never mind. Luna will come to play with you tomorrow."

Original: "Oh, he's probably just a little shy."

Edited: "He's probably just a little shy."

Original: He was a tall man in his 30th a man of so much wealth and power.

Edited: He was a tall man in his 30s, a man of so much wealth and power.

And many more, like forgetting to capitalize the first letter of a sentence, forgetting to add a comma in between very long ones, and using ellipses almost everywhere. These are all very small errors that readers usually don't pay a lot of mind to, but when you appear very consistently, it is not good either.

I would also recommend not using short forms like prev, etc., and writing it in its full length so as not to disrupt the flow of reading. In dialogue tags, you usually don't capitalize the first letter of said, as it is part of it and not a completely different sentence, like you have done in many instances; for example, in the second chapter, it can be seen more than once when Kyle and the teacher were in a rather terse situation.

❥ Conclusion: The story has potential, but there are a lot of areas where you need to improvise and improve. Many of the chapters have a plethora of mistakes in almost all areas. I am sorry if that sounded rude. I would recommend using Grammarly or QuillBot, both of which are available on Google for free, or maybe you can have an editor on Wattpad to sort it out for you. Also, read the books of other authors on Wattpad so that you can upgrade your vocabulary and writing style; it is one of the best ways to improve. See what they did differently, observe their pattern, and try to decipher the similarities they share with the others. Even though every book is not the same, there are general trends many seem to share, even if it is in a different genre. And I apologize for my delayed review. I had a lot of stuff going on, but I am slowly getting back on track and getting all the work done.

And lastly, if any of my words hurt you or if I have misinterpreted anything, I sincerely apologize; that was never my intention. Remember that no author gets a beautiful, perfect draft the first time they write it; they edit it repeatedly the more they learn. So I hope you have had a great day.

Best Wishes🌻