Client: Nash_Books

Reviewer: Kamila_DeRico

Summary: 5/10

The following excerpt is the book's original summary, including all formatting and punctuation choices by the author:

April: Tyler; Black: White

Are like two sides of a coin, two different people painted in Grey. They live and breathe in a life they never wanted: a life of survival. A life in a Game.

[Cause they are chained, claimed by the makers of death: Phantom]

(in, The Oblivion)

{(to, The Dark World)}

Your summary is short and doesn't waste too much of the reader's time. These are the qualities I like about it.

That being said, there are also some things that could be improved.

First of all, what makes a good summary?

1. The Characters: Who your story is about.

2. The Conflict: The dilemma your characters are struggling with. What they yearn to complete.

3. The Stakes: What they stand to lose if they do not accomplish their goal.

4. The Setting: Where your story takes place.

Now, your summary incorporates only two of these qualities. The Setting and the Characters. We're introduced to April and Tyler, two people with opposite personalities, living in a world they do not want to live in.

And that's it.

What is the book about? What is the conflict? Why should we click on chapter one and continue reading? We aren't told. We're introduced to the characters, but weren't given a clear reason to want to know more about them.

The conflict is a bait on the hook [summary] of your story. Without it, readers are not going to be interested in the book.

And this goes hand in hand with your stake, because without conflict, it cannot exist.

It is also confusing considering we're not given enough information to grab the basics of the book.

Cause they are chained, claimed by the makers of death: Phantom- What does this line mean? You as the author must understand; you wrote the book. But the readers are unable to grasp it because not enough information was given.

Suggestions:

1. You're already on the right track with the characters and setting. Just introduce the stake and the conflict to the readers.

2. Provide more clarity to your summary. Give us enough information to have us craving for more without spoiling the entire book for us.

Title: 8/10

The Dark World is a title I believe suits the entire premise of the story, but in a vague sense. In a sense that you have an idea of what you're getting into by the title—a somewhat dystopian world. It doesn't reveal too much information.

However, it may feel too general.

How?

I could write a book about a zombie apocalypse plaguing the earth and name it The Dark World and that name would technically fit the premise of the story. I could also write a book about world war three and name it The Dark World, or write a book about a criminal organisation and name it The Dark World.

That's what I mean by too general. Too broad, that when the readers click on your book, they'll be expecting too many different plots.

I suggest making it more specific to your story. You could add a word or two from your work to let the readers get a sense of what they're getting into by reading the title.

Blurb: 10/10

This book doesn't really have a blurb but it does have a prologue. A short and simple prologue introducing key information we would need throughout the entire course of the story.

In the prologue, we meet two kids, Ava and Ice, locked in a lab with several odd experiments being performed on Ice.

This prologue is very effective because not only does it introduce our key characters and reveal some information about the plot but also answers future questions that arise like how Ice got his powers.

It gives us enough idea of what the plot is going to be like without overexposition.

Cover

Please note that this part is entirely subjective.

Your original cover has some strengths to it. It is aesthetically pleasing and aligns well with your book's target audience.

It also fits that dystopian, game world vibe you were going for when writing the plot.

However, I personally feel like the second image in your vote for cover chapter best fits the book.

The image of a character falling down a great height helplessly, captures the premise of the book. That is, characters who are powerless in the face of the Oblivion and Phantom.

The image is able to convey so many key moments in your book, including how the protagonists have no say over their lives in the Oblivion. And how helpless they feel in killing random people whenever it begins.

Ultimately, the choice of cover rests with you, the author. Whatever you feel fits the image in your mind is what you should consider.

Plot: 8/10

I have seen a lot of dystopian, thriller novels before, but this one has such a unique twist to it. It's such an exciting plot; I couldn't put the book down.

The book follows our two main protagonists, April and Tyler as they find themselves tangled in a twisted game of life and death called the Oblivion.

A really thrilling read. You've been able to hook the readers' attention from the very beginning of the book and keep it till the end. Well done!

However, there are some questions that arose throughout the course of the book that were not answered.

First, it was never explained how the Oblivion came to be. How did Phantom arise? When? Why? This information is crucial to the readers in understanding the entire plot, and the fact that they were not answered dampens the immersivity.

Additionally, in the course of ten chapters, both the main characters only ever interacted once, making the relationship development between them very slow. But thankfully, when they finally met, they had good chemistry.

So, I suggest giving the readers a lot more information on the Oblivion. You can choose to make them mysterious, but doing so does not equal withholding all the information about them.

Characterization: 7/10

Your ability to write realistic and believable characters is just mind-blowing. Both April and Tyler have such strong personalities that they shine through the words itself. And I love how you didn't just make them like that for the book's sake, but allowed their behavior and beliefs to stem from their life experiences.

The characters are complex and terrifying—not just caricatures of real humans. Great job!

However, there are a few problems that dampens the feel of these characters. The first being how little we know about them.

As the readers, we must know our protagonists. We need to know them to be able to stay in their heads, and it's your job as an author to ensure that happens. But we're given so little information about them that it is a bit frustrating.

For starters, we barely know what April does. We see her go to work, don't get me wrong, but it's not talked about what exactly she does. It is hinted at, that it may have something to do with Phantom and the Oblivion.

There is also more information withheld from us until the last minute. April's stepmother appeared out of nowhere, having not been mentioned before chapter nine. Same goes with April's younger sister, Eve, whom she absolutely adores.

Eve is a very important character in April's life. Having been born with paralysis on both legs, she couldn't live a normal life, instead, jumping from one medical facility to another in hopes of walking again. However, her hopes are squashed when doctors still couldn't find a way to help her.

The only choice was having her sent away to a freaky medical facility for treatment—far away from her home. April of course doesn't like this idea. And with how important this is to her, it's a bit odd to the readers that she isn't mentioned until chapter nine.

We don't get a hint that she even has a younger sister—not until chapter nine—the very day her farewell party was to be held. This is odd, especially after April didn't even get to see her before she left.

And other than that, there are a few inconsistency issues here and there with the characters.

In chapter eleven, when April realised that she was captured by Phantom and put in an Oblivion against her will, she is, of course, concerned about this. However, towards the end of chapter one, she made this statement. 'Let the Oblivion begin.'

Now, this statement feels unearned and totally out of the blue considering how, earlier in that chapter, April completely resented the fact that she'd been put into another Oblivion. And there was no clear reason throughout the entire chapter that could've suggested her sudden change of heart. In fact, it should've been the complete opposite considering the fact that she was stuck with a bunch of people that thought her to be a spy and wanted her dead.

Similar to April, Tyler also goes through this random change of heart. He hated the fact that he was kidnapped and brought into the Oblivion, but by the time it started, he was the most thrilled about it, which is odd.

Suggestions

1. Consider introducing important characters earlier in the book if they're someone the protagonists truly care about. And if you have no mind of introducing them that early, at least, let the characters think about them.

2. Reveal more information about the main characters to the readers to allow a deeper connection between them.

3. Clear out the minor inconsistencies that show up about the characters. But if you'd intentionally let them behave this way, flesh out why they did so.

Writing Style: 6.6/10

You have a really neat writing that is easy to follow and understand. With a strong emotional tone and a powerful impact on the progression of the book.

Your descriptions are clear and easy to visualise. Giving just enough information to let the readers immerse themselves in the writing, but not too much that it slows the pace down.

But there are some areas that do need improvement, especially in the prologue.

First off, redundant sentences. Here's a direct line from the prologue of the book.

'There was a giggle and a laugh surrounding around the electrical cage of Phantom Labs.'

Giggle and laugh are synonymous words meaning exactly the same thing. There is no need for both to be in a sentence at the same time.

The sentence would also do just fine without the word around as the word surrounding could easily fill in for both of them.

'...a laugh surrounding the electrical cage...' Is a neater sentence without the word around.

Furthermore, there is also the case of weird sentences. Example:

'Two kids, one with dark hair and midnight black eyes and another with snow white hair and blue eyes laugh together in their six-year old bodies.'

In their six year old bodies? This is a very awkward sentence. Why not say:

"Two kids, no older than six, one with dark hair and midnight black eyes and another with snow white hair and blue eyes laughed together.'

This sentence is smoother and reads more naturally.

Right after this paragraph, there is another that is a bit repetitive of the first one.

'The girl, with dark hair and midnight black eyes jumped closer...'

We already know from the last paragraph that the girl has dark hair and midnight black eyes. With dark hair is enough, repeating the words 'and midnight black eyes' breaks the flow.

Another weird sentence that stood out to me was this.

"Did you find anything?" Stood Jack asking me.

This sentence is written awkwardly and could be better rephrased to:

Did you find anything?" Asked Jack, standing up.

This flows much smoother than the first sentence.

In the case of telling over showing, I really only could find one sentence that fell into this—which is a strong point in your writing.

'I think I'm going to pass out.'

Instead of saying it outright like that, consider showing us how he came to that conclusion. Was it nausea? Headache? Dizzyness?

Grammar: 6/10

Like I had said earlier, the book is readable and easy to grasp. But there are a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes found throughout.

'Kevin ordered a cake which Mia cutted...'

This sentence is grammatically incorrect. It should be cut, not cutted.

'... everything ment to kill me.'

A spelling error here. It should be meant not ment.

'The ache in my arms grows...'

Also a grammatically incorrect sentence. Arms are in plural, therefore, the verb that follows should be plural as well, not singular.

It should be grow not grows.

'His brown eyes starting at my face...'

Incorrect spelling. Staring not starting.

I left Mason and clickes the button...

First of all, clickes is an incorrect spelling of clicks, if that was what you were going for.

But, the word clicks used in a sentence like this is grammatically incorrect. It should be clicked.

'A black car sneered past us.'

Sneered is the past tense of sneer. And to sneer means to laugh in a scornful manner. So, it is a misused verb in this sentence.

'Look April, it's good that you come and lives with me...'

It should be live not lives.

'... so I never has a chance to play.'

This sentence is in past tense. So 'has' should be had.

'...when Jared beated me.'

Beated is not grammatically correct. The word should be beat.

Additionally, there is another problem I noticed reoccurring several times in the book, mostly in chapter eight and nine. And that is, putting your commas outside the quotation marks.

"Right",

This is incorrect. All punctuations meant for the dialogue should be in the quotation marks not out. So really, it should be:

"Right,"

This happened a lot in both chapters I mentioned.

"Shit",

Correct form: "Shit,"

"What happened!",

This is different from the earlier examples as we have another punctuation in the dialogue apart from a comma. But, the correct form is still the same.

"What happened!"

A comma is not necessary as another punctuation is present.

"Save the bride!",

Correct form: "Save the bride!"

Suggestions

1. Rereading and editing your work is a sure way to avoid grammatical mistakes like this.

2. You're not a robot; you cannot spot every single mistake. Consider running your work through a grammar correction app like Grammarly to get rid of errors.

Pacing: 10/10

The pacing was perfect throughout the book. No scenes dragged on for too long or happened too fast that the readers couldn't understand what was happening. Well done!

Overall: 60.6 /80

A pretty enjoyable read. Kept my attention from the beginning to the end. Would shine through with thorough proofreading and revision.