Client: lostlovefairy

Reviewer: AbiPWriting

Reviewed Chapters: 13

Focus: Relatability, Engagement, Pace

My overall feedback (See chapter paragraphs below the criteria)

Criteria

Grammar & Writing Style - 18/20

You write very well. There are many detailed scenes related to characters, world-building, and the scenery around them. I noticed only a few typos and mistakes overall. I especially think you excel at cliffhangers and grasping the reader's attention from the opening paragraphs. I can feel the emotions of the characters through the screen. Great job!

Engagement - 20/20

I was thoroughly engaged and entertained the entire time. Often in my individual chapter feedback, you'll see I was at the edge of my seat! The plot thickens, twists, and turns in ways I never expected. I feel like I am right there with the characters, especially Fiza, on her rollercoaster of a toxic relationship's ups and downs. I wanted to scream about how manipulative Alan was. Plus, your writing features many hooks, so you do well at keeping your reader on their toes!

Descriptions (characters, world-building)- 9/10

You give detailed descriptions of each chapter. I only noticed a rare few times of places where I wanted more detail or information. The pacing is perfect for the novel and I think you excel in this category! My only real feedback would be using stronger adjectives at times. Maybe instead of sad, you choose melancholy or rueful, etc.

Clarity - 9/10

Only a few typos were caught, so clarity is basically flawless.

Cover - 8/10

The cover is a bit crowded. I had to really look at it to see exactly what was going on because the main couple's image is closely zoomed in. Then, there is a frilly heart border, a big title, and a small username for credit. I'd suggest removing the border with the hearts, and if possible, zooming out on the image a little to see the couple clearer. When the cover was small, I couldn't make out everything. I had to go to the description page to really see it! It is not bad at all, just a few touch-ups or edits would make it stand out even more! (Also, these are optional, so it's totally up to you!)

Blurb 9/10

I think blurbs should be a short few paragraphs that get straight to the point. This is so a reader can quickly scan the blurb and decide whether they are interested or not. Your blurb is very interesting and does hook the reader's attention, but my only complaint is it is a tad bit long. If this was a book on a library shelf, I'd put it back because the blurb would be too long for me. Or, only scan the first few paragraphs. I think it will be more effective if you make it a little shorter. (Think short, sweet, and to the point!)

Creativity - 10/10

Your story and world are very creative! I love how much research you put into learning about doctors, medical terms, the requirements to be a doctor, and etc! Also, I liked that your story was not taking place in America! Always great to see other places in the world. I think this is a very realistic type of toxic relationship feature, this makes it very creative in the way you put your own twists and spins onto it. Your characters are unique, each with their own personality.

Personal Enjoyment - 10/10

I love your story! It made me laugh, yell, cry, and just feel so many emotions. So many chapters end with a cliffhanger. Overall, the story is just a page-turner, leaving me desperate to get to the next chapter and discover what happens! Is he cheating, are they breaking up, what's going to happen next, etc!

✨Total 93/100✨

GREAT WORK! 😀

Chapter 1

Paragraph Three: Missing beginning quotation mark.

Suggestion: "She pleaded with him with her eyes." I'd suggest saying to him, since there are two withs back-to-back. This will allow for a smoother read.

Overall, very well-written and a great way to introduce Alan and Fiza. Additionally, his mother seems very relatable and acts as a concerned parent would. The ending was a great cliffhanger. You left me wondering, what happened between Alan and his ex? Along with some foreshadowing that the relationship between these two might not last.

Chapter 2

Great work including actual medical terms the characters would know! I can actually believe they are practicing doctors and it is convincing to the reader.

I like the romantic scenes, such as sneaking a quick kiss at work. These little moments make the story feel genuine to a reader.

Typo: "Fiza, I need that pen drive for the presentation tomorrow,". he had said. There is an extra period after the quote you can delete.

After this paragraph with the typo, your quotes are formatted with ' ' instead of " ". I'd take a look over these to correct them!

Abhishek only getting an unofficial warning seems very believable. Unfortunately, it is hard to get these types of cases taken seriously.

I love Alan's support here against Abhishek's harassment. However, he doesn't seem the best at understanding Fiza's boundaries about taking a pause on their physical relations.

Overall, great length here! Your writing is effective here, as I feel angry towards Abhishek's light punishment. If you can call it that! Plus, we see more of Alan's dark side here– he isn't respecting Fiza's boundaries to not have sex for a while and keeps pushing the topic. Great job hooking your reader!

Chapter 3

"She put on a knee length blush cotton dress and accessorized with an elegant gold pendant, matching earrings and her watch." I would add some more commas here, such as after the word length and after the word earrings for a smoother read. Also, it should be knee-length.

Alan trying to get it on with Fiza at the movie theater made me feel so hurt and embarrassed for Fiza. Her reaction was justified and this reminds readers to stand up for themselves.

Overall, the problems with their relationship and cycle of toxicity are highlighted well in this chapter. I enjoy your pacing here to slowly give details on Alan's obsessive and demanding side without revealing it all at once. I hope Fiza will realize soon that this isn't healthy! You are building the information with each chapter. Solid foreshadowing at the end.

Chapter 4

I like that Alan's character is nervous about becoming a doctor and getting past the internship phase. This makes his character very realistic to the reader because I would be nervous too!

Alan is really pressing Fiza to marry him! Eek! You do well at making his character give me the ick. Great writing.

Good reveal of some backstory on Alan here about the drugs and alcohol. It's brief, but in a good way, as it doesn't reveal too much right away.

What is NEET in NEET PG exams? I'd suggest typing this out in words so it is easier for the unfamiliar reader to follow the storyline. Or, add a key at the bottom of your chapter for convenience. This is optional and totally up to you!

I'd suggest typing out the word for seventeen days vs 17 days to make it a smoother read.

I like that Fiza has boundaries and doesn't immediately accept the idea of converting to another religion. This is very believable for a character.

The paragraph starting with "He chanced a look at Fiza." There is an extra space before the period on the fourth sentence in this paragraph.

Great pacing in this chapter. It's very realistic that Fiza stays true to her boundaries and beliefs. More details and backstory are being included, but slow enough that they don't feel rushed. Great length to your chapter and the romantic scenes are always written well. They don't feel forced. I can clearly see you've done ample research about the process to become a doctor and your book feels genuine in this regard.

Chapter 5

Glad to see their exams are over! As the reader, I'm left wondering what will happen next. You have very effective hooks for keeping your reader thinking and interested.

I'd suggest typing out ten days vs 10 days for a smoother read!

I like how you detailed the scene of these two being apart. It's believable how upset it makes them, and you convey well to the reader how overarched and clingy Alan is.

Space between the paragraphs starting with During her vacation & "I'm scared..."

Definitely realistic to be worried about being placed at work away from your significant other.

This chapter is shorter than the others, but the detail and descriptions packed in here evolve the story well. The scene of the two leaving/separating conveys their emotions and heartache well. The pacing is not too slow, and I like that their exams are over and we are delving deeper into more of their lives. Curious to see how the one hour distance will continue to go.

Chapter 6

New character introduction! I'm excited!

I'm wondering if the introduction of Faisal will lead Fiza to develop feelings for him. I'm predicting here she may start to drift away from Alan. Let's see what happens!

I like how we see that Alan's character is jealous. Readers know he is a bit obsessive, so it's understandable why Alan is a bit possessive and concerned here.

The paragraph starting with "Library," she texted back — needs a space to separate it from the paragraph above!

I really enjoyed the cute romantic scene here the two had, without Alan rushing in for steamy time. I'm concerned that Fiza and Alan's relationship may not survive the distance, especially with Faisal! I love how the plot is evolving and this was a great time to introduce a new character. Well-written and at a good length!

Chapter 7

Nice job putting the trigger warning at the beginning of this chapter.

Adore the opening paragraph here. The descriptions & writing style are amazing.

New plot point: Enter COVID-19! I wonder how this will affect the story~

I like how relatable the scenes of stress and concern over the pandemic are, especially for doctors. You've really allowed me to step in their shoes. Great effect here.

I can really feel Fiza's emotions in this chapter. This is very well-written and described.

Ooo! We are seeing a tender moment with Faisal. I believe this is foreshadowing something more between them. You're really keeping me on my toes.

Very well-written descriptions about what the doctors wore for COVID-19, along with how hot and uncomfortable it is. I really feel for the characters here

I was shocked when Alan kissed the top of Aradya's head. Wow! Your writing is really great and keeps the reader interested.

And he is going on a walk with her?!? Smiling over her?!?! I'm predicting his relationship with Fiza is not going to be the same from now on...

I like how you have written Alan as going back and forth between Aradya and Fiza. Given what we know about his character, this is very plausible and it seems to me like he wants instant gratification all the time. Great chapter!

Chapter 8

I like how you wrote out the meaning for NICU! I think doing this for other terms as well would be helpful for the reader. Like SVT? I'm wondering what this is.

I noticed you wrote operation theater. Just a suggestion: I think operation room or operating room would sound better here.

The mother dying here really tore at my heartstrings. I think you wrote this scene very well. I felt like I was in Fiza's position for a moment, experiencing everything she was feeling.

I think showing how Fiza was unable to state the mother had died is soooo believable. The first time is so hard for a doctor, especially breaking the news about a wife's death in labor to her husband.

The friends vs friend inclusion here was a good choice to show how secretive Alan is.

Oh the IG post! Wow! What a way to thicken the plot.

The plot really developed with so many twists and turns in the chapter. My disdain for Alan is growing! And all three of them going on a trip together cannot be a good idea. Definitely predicting they'll break up soon...

Chapter 9

Great opening. This is such a relatable reaction. If you see your boyfriend hanging out with another girl, and he hasn't clarified about having a girlfriend, I would be suspecting cheating too! You have written Fiza so well – she is definitely my favorite character.

Alan is such a manipulative character! I really dislike him. This signals that you write effectively because Alan just rubs me the wrong way. Lol!

WOW! The reveal that has indeed been cheating hit hard. The story is getting juicy... Plus, the trip is going to be so chaotic for all the characters.

For 4 boys, 3 girls, and 3 rooms – I would type out the words for each of these numbers so it will read smoother.

Aradya's dialogue is really good. I can feel the hatred and jealousy dripping off her. Your characters are very dynamic and I like that we get a point of view / inner thoughts of each.

The breakup has... kind of happened! We can see the damaging cycle of the relationship these two are in, as they are always using sexual moments to heal. Though, this isn't healthy. I am still predicting this isn't going to work out between them. Strong and well-written descriptions here.

The cliffhanger is great! It made me so angry and really caught me off guard. You think Aradya would just give up. I think Alan and Aradya make a better pair because they are both obsessive and jealous in their own ways. Such a good chapter.

Chapter 10

Bro HOW is he still meeting Aradya at this point. I am seething!! You have done such a good job – I am really invested in this book and able to feel their emotions and thoughts well. Plus, with your descriptions, I find it easy to visualize the scene.

I feel like Fiza catching these two again would have led her to break up with him, for real this time. But on the other hand, we know her character is stuck in a cycle of chaos, that they are labeling a relationship. It is just so unhealthy! I wish I could help her out.

Also, I find how Fiza tries to stay calm and switch topics very relatable. She really wants to avoid conflict and you make that clear.

I know what an MBA is, but in case you have readers who are unfamiliar, I'd suggest writing it out once and then using the acronym afterward.

Suggestion: 3 years -> three years

The waterfall scene is stellar! You did a great job writing this.

Alan mentioning wanting to have a child with her made me lose my mind. He is all over the place. You have really convinced me he is just a bit crazy, indecisive, and all over the place with his emotions. I am surprised we haven't seen him get violent or irate yet.

Aradya's manipulation seems fitting for her character.

6 months -> six months

Love the inclusion of song lyrics here!

Again, your chapters blow me away. Aradya's manipulation, Alan's deception, and Fiza's innocence – it all hits hard. I think the pacing is still flowing well and it feels like a genuine reality drama on TV. As always, great writing.

Chapter 11

Great job providing the trigger warning at the beginning of this chapter.

Alan is really affected by Aradya's manipulation here. The opening is so strong – his anger is immense and opens this chapter. Great way to start off after chapter 10.

I think this chapter is foreshadowing Aradya and Alan getting together! These two might be meant for one another because they are both so manipulative. I am hoping Fiza will see through this and break up with him!

Wow. This relationship is so toxic! He is sexually assaulting her and she is asking if he is ok. Because you have written this scene so well, it is hard to read. As in, I can feel how toxic it is, and it really hits me in the feels. I do understand that is a heavy topic, so again, great job prefacing with the trigger warning.

This is going to be difficult for these two to heal from. I think it is very appropriate that Fiza feels afraid of him. This is a damaging relationship. I am glad you chose this as the cliffhanger, and not her saying she loves him, because fear after an assault and violence is natural.

Chapter 12

Opening paragraph – It is just a little repetitive from the closing of chapter twelve. This is because we have already learned she is afraid of him. But if you want to emphasize it here, that is totally ok.

Also, in this paragraph, there is a typo. "She was afraid oh him." Should be of!

What a way to deepen the plot. I was really taken aback to learn there were blood stains. OMG! My heart goes out to Fiza. These two need therapy.

You really have my mind racing here! I am wondering, will they actually break up this time? Or is this another loop in the cycle?

I agree - Alan definitely needs healing. And Fiza too.

"Let's go to the cafeteria and talk," he suggested leading her towards the cafeteria. I think you should add a comma after the word suggested. Also, since you say cafeteria twice in one sentence, I would suggest changing it up. Such as something like: leading her there, leading her that way, etc.

I enjoyed the moment between Faisal and Fiza. But honestly, I wish she'd just break up and then confide in him. Humans are complex and difficult and this chapter truly encapsulates it all. The things we do for what we think is love.

Chapter 13

I enjoy the medical terms and real conditions you use in this chapter!

In terms of time / the hour, I think using the number is fine, like how you said 6 o'clock.

Typo: "What plans for the weekend?" -> Maybe what are your plans for the weekend?

In this chapter you spell fiancé two ways: fiancé and fiancée. I would choose one and keep it consistent!

Alan saying she put on weight really took me by surprise! He is such an awful person.

Love the length of this chapter and the way the story is progressing. It still feels very realistic. Though, I wish Fiza would come to her senses and escape from Alan! Eek!