Client: Riimagination

Reviewer: theheartofflame

First Impressions

1. Cover - The cover looks nice. It shows that this is a South Asian romance. Now, I'm from Southeast Asia so I am not very familiar with the culture of the characters featured in the story or the culture depicted in the setting so I won't make many comments regarding the setting. Please tell me in a comment if there are any cultural misunderstandings. I do my best to be culturally sensitive. There are some issues I would like to point out. First of all, the fonts are too small and even in full screen, I struggle to read the subtitles. I suggest making the fonts a bit larger.

2. Blurb - The blurb is an infodump about the characters. It doesn't tell me anything about what kind of plot I can expect from the story and what type of conflict will arise. A blurb should give the reader a good idea about the flow of the story and what the reader can expect from it. Of course, one should not spoil the entire plot but just a little idea to ignite the flame of curiosity would be enough. Instead, what we get is an infodump on the characters. While information on the characters are always good to provide, I think it should be relegated to a different chapter in the book. But it would be better if the reader is the one who figures out the personalities of the characters instead of the author simply giving us all the information about their personalities. It should be shown in the text and not dumped in the blurb.

3. Prologue - While the prologue did not impress me, it told me important things about the characters, their personalities, and the relationship between the two leads. Personally, I don't fancy the ML at all. He seems controlling and the fact that he keeps brushing away the FL's attempts to have a serious conversation irks me. I feel sorry for Mehek and I am curious as to how their relationship started and how they got to this point.

Chapter by Chapter Review

Chapter 1

I am noticing a pattern of the FL, Mehek, not being taken seriously by people. In the prologue, the ML brushes aside her attempts to have a serious conversation and brings up things that have nothing to do with the conversation. Then in the first chapter we see this again with her cousin, Naina. Her cousin brushes her away when she says that she doesn't want to be woken up because she had a tiring shift. She also doesn't want her mood to be ruined but her cousin does it anyway.

((I exclaimed, "Now all the troublemakers are here in one place!))This line and the next that says, 'I groggily expressed....' is confusing. Does she exclaim that "the trouble makers are here in one place!" and then groggily says "Thank you guys."? Does she say both lines groggily? Or just the second line. If so, then how is she switching from expressing happiness and emotion to then expressing grogginess within the span of two lines?

There are some moments where the actions are over described and stick out like a sore thumb amidst the rest of the text.

And then there are moments where the description is quite clunky which really messes up the flow.

((Unrelated to the Review, but I hope you appreciate my visual aids ( ╹▽╹ ))

Now the writer mentioned that English is not their first language and this is perfectly fine, but I'll add some constructive criticism with regards to the description. When describing a scene, there are two important things to keep in mind, preposition and word choice. Now, description has a tendency to be redundant, constantly repeating the same ideas or words, so it is important to have a wide vocabulary. But even with a small vocabulary, it is still possible to write a good description by watching out for redundant words and ideas.

For example, in the Clunky Description Exhibit, the word felt is used three times. Now, in a reasonably short paragraph, the use of the word is far too much, causing redundancy and combined with the poor choice of descriptive works makes for a stagnant paragraph that flows like a clogged stream. Furthermore, we keep being told that this and that are calming, or soothing, but that's simply not enough. It comes off as too much telling.

Instead, here is my suggestion. Start with describing the location. No need to describe every little detail, just give us an idea. How large is the bathroom? Is she using a shower or a bucket and pail? Then, after you've set the scene with a description of the environment, describe the actions and the emotions that come with it. Depending on the description, it can give off a lingering feel or a rush. I would rewrite it like this, minus the environmental description because I don't know what the bathroom actually looks like, “I went to freshen up. A calm feeling coupled with a chill washed over me as I stepped inside the bathroom. As the water poured and dripped down my body, it brought my exhaustion and the last of my drowsiness along with it.”

Now, with regards to ‘Clunky Dialogue - Exhibit B’, I would restructure the paragraph altogether.

In Exhibit B - Line 1, it says, "I changed my clothes fast, thinking my family would be at the dining table." This is the set up for the surprise in Line 3. I would change "I changed my clothes fast—" to “I quickly changed my clothes—”, and I would change the following phrase to reflect a reaction from the family. She changes her clothes quickly, but why? We know that her family is downstairs, but what kind of reaction does she expect from them that warrants her to change her clothes quickly? This is not something that we can easily assume despite the initial interaction we have with her cousins. This is also a good spot to give the reader an idea as to the vibe of the family and what kind of relationship they have with Mehek. Are they strict and overbearing? Or are they lenient? Something as simple as saying <I quickly changed my clothes, thinking my family would be at the dining table, waiting impatiently for me> brings a lot of flavour.

Exhibit B, Line 3 is missing something. Mehek states that everyone that she usually saw were seated there being warm and friendly. But who are these people that she usually sees? Does she see her parents and extended family? Or just her parents and her cousins? Mentioning the people she saw (of course, it is not necessary to name them all) would give the reader information to adequately imagine the scene. Instead of directly describing the mood, I suggest going about it this way, <Everyone I usually saw was there. My father sat in his usual chair with my mother close to him. Their faces were lit with bright smiles as they conversed, their voices warm and friendly. Among them was the unexpected guest, a man from my past that elicited *insert some kind of emotion inside the character* within me>

After that, I would suggest removing Line 4-6 altogether.

Now let us move on to Clunky Description - EXHIBIT C & D. I would like to bring your attention to EXHIBIT C, LINE 1-2. The issue here is that the thoughts are not connected in a cohesive manner.

The first line uses the word Heartening. In my opinion, the word does not really fit the sentence in a way that truly expresses the emotion of the pov character. While yes, what she sees might bring her a surge of warm emotions, the phrasing comes off as clumsy. It also contradicts the description of an earlier line. In EXHIBIT B, LINE 2-3, Mehek tells us that as she comes in, she is surprised. Coming in suggests that a character is entering the room. But EXHIBIT C, LINE 1-2 says that she 'descended down the stairs'. This contradicts the idea that she entered a room because she isn't entering a room, she's descending down a set of stairs that leads into the dining room.

So, my solution to this is to combine the two parts (Exhibit B and C). Say that as Mehek arrived at the stairs that led down to the dining room, she saw a heartening yet surprising sight as the fragrance of culinary delights entered her nose. This is less flowery but more effective and most importantly, it flows better.

Now as for Exhibit D, Line 3-4, it's not well-worded when paired with Exhibit B, Line 4-6 and Exhibit C, Line 1-2. Now the reason for this is because Mehek already tells us that she is surprised in Ex B, Line 4-6 so there is no need to repeat that in Ex D, Line 3-4. But it can be easily fixed with a rephrasing.

All these notes would be admitted more suited in an editing situation and not a review otherwise, we'll be spending thousands upon thousands of words on the nitty gritty of the paragraphs. I'll comment occasionally on grammar and wording in this section but the bulk will otherwise be discussed in the Grammar section.

Moving on.

Now as for parts that I really love, this has to be it.

I think it is a very lovely first visual impression of Anirban. He's charming and well-kept! He's fashionable! It's not too over-described and there's a nice spread of vocabulary. Definitely the highlight of this chapter.

I am a little surprised by Mehek's reaction. Apparently, it has been six months since Anirban last contacted her. Judging by how close they are, I can understand why Mehek is not particularly happy with him. But she doesn't have to be so impolite during breakfast, right? Even the elders of the family call her out on that.

So when Suriya chacha, a man who exudes a polished look, mind you, a POLISHED look, which I would assume means that he is an eloquent man at the very least, straight up goes "you're really in time, man," I was amused. Very amused.

This is not meant to be an attack on your writing, I'm just curious why it is worded this way specifically since it is a very informal manner of speech that you usually see amongst what one could say "bro-guys". It's how you'd talk to your dudes, not how you'd talk as a man who exudes a polished look.

Now let's continue with the chapter because I have some issues with Anirban. (Tldr: I do not like his behaviour very much.)

In this chapter, Anirban displays some behaviours that I personally found disturbing, although I might just be reading too much into this.

So, Mehek leaves the breakfast table and heads to her room because she's sick of all the talking. She's very annoyed. She doesn't really understand why she's upset about the fact that Anirban has not called her for six months (but I do understand, girl six months is a long time for a close friend to stop contacting you, I'd be worried). But now, he suddenly appears and acts like it's no big deal. So she's basically trying to deal with all these sudden and unexpected emotions.

While she's trying to collect herself in order to make sense of her emotions, Anirban suddenly walks INTO HER ROOM, without KNOCKING.

Mehek points this out and is like, “What are you doing here? You should knock before entering a room.” She says this in a scolding manner.

She's all flustered about the matter and he's like, “Do I really need to knock?”

YES MY DUDE! Yes you need to knock! It's called respecting the boundaries and the privacy of another person. Yeah sure, you were childhood friends but still, even if this is like your bro, you still need to knock! This is so very not okay.

And then when she tells him to back away, he continues to INVADE HER SPACE. Horrible. Absolutely horrible. I don't like this dude at all.

And she's like, “respect my privacy dude!” I'm actually cheering her on like, yes girl! Tell him!

And then he says the golden line, “privacy is overrated.” I kinda wanted to throw him out the window after that.

I… this is the kind of guy they tell you to be worried about. The kind of guy who wears a red flag as a fashion statement.

Then what happens next just..made me so uncomfortable. I wanted to jump into the book and punch him in the face. If this is set up for some immense character development in the future, I would be screaming for joy because Mehek deserves better than to be treated like this.

Now, as a character, he presents an interesting challenge to Mehek. Will she be swayed by him or will she stand her ground? I hope she finds her strength and pushes away this…frankly uncomfortable man.

So generally speaking, I'm not a huge Anirban fan. I know he's not the male lead but from what I've seen from the male lead, I'm not super excited either. I want good things for Mehek and these men don't seem so…good.

Concluding Thoughts About the Chapter: If I had to rate this I'd give this chapter a 5/10. It needs a serious revamp and re-edit. The crumbs are there but you need to season it. The conflict has certainly been introduced early on but I think we need some more environmental description. I don't have many positive feelings about Anirban and I only want what is best for Mehek.

Chapter 2

What do I think of Chapter 2? The dialogue is plagued by an over reliance on verbs. You don't need to put a verb in every line, it just makes it more difficult to read dialogue. For example, here is how the first few lines of CH 2 start:

In irritation, I exclaimed, "What are you doing?"
He nonchalantly responded, "You were standing for a long time, so I suggested sitting. Your legs must be hurting."
He inquired, "Today is your day off, right?"
I responded, "No. My night shift starts tonight,"
"Today is your birthday, don't go today," he urged.
I widened my eyes, "Even if it's my birthday, I can't skip work today. Duty calls, Anirban."
I remarked, "Your work is considered a job, but my work is not viewed in the same way."
He sighed, "Okay baba, don't get angry. Take this"
He put a small gift box in my hand.

So what is the problem here? Let's go at it line by line with a magnifying glass.

In irritation, I exclaimed, “What are you doing?”

(There is nothing wrong with using verbs here. You do need to let the reader know that Mehek is irritated and that she is making an exclamation. But of course, there is a much better way to show character reactions without falling back on verbs and adverbs as I will illustrate in the next part.)

He nonchalantly responded, “You were standing for a long time, so I suggested sitting. Your legs must be hurting.”

(My thoughts on Anirban's behaviour aside, there are other ways to show nonchalance and that is by showing body language. Maybe he leans back a little, fidgets with the sheets, or gets distracted by something in the room, showing his nonchalance or that he isn't too interested in the conversation. You can combine “nonchalantly” with another action verb like “shrugging”.)

Ex. He shrugged nonchalantly, leaning his body back, resting his weight on his hands that dug into the mattress. “You were standing for a long time, so I suggested sitting. Your legs must be tired.”

You don't even need to say that it was Anirban who said this line because it is already implied that Anirban is making the response.

He inquired, "Today is your day off, right?”

(This part and the previous don't need to be separated. They're both lines from Anirban so just keep them in the same paragraph.)

Ex 1. He shrugged nonchalantly, leaning his body back, resting his weight on his hands that dug into the mattress. “You were standing for a long time, so I suggested sitting. Your legs must be tired.” Then he added, "Today is your night off, right?”

(Or it can also be formatted like this.)

Ex 2. He shrugged nonchalantly, leaning his body back, resting his weight on his hands that dug into the mattress. “You were standing for a long time, so I suggested sitting. Your legs must be tired.”

Then he added, "Today is your night off, right?”

(Whichever one you choose is fine.)

I responded, "No. My night shift starts tonight,"

(Instead of “I responded” which is basically passive in this context, try adding an action verb to spice it up.)

Ex. I shook my head. “No. My night shift starts tonight.

(Both descriptions relate the same general idea so go for a stronger description.)

"Today is your birthday, don't go today," he urged.

(No need to say “he urged”. His words already suggest this. Remove it for less clutter.)

I widened my eyes, "Even if it's my birthday, I can't skip work today. Duty calls, Anirban."

(“I widened my eyes” is an odd way to describe surprise. Instead, I suggest finding a different way to show her surprise.)

Ex. My eyes widened, how could he suggest such a thing? “I can't skip work today even if it's my birthday. Duty waits for no one, Anirban.”

I remarked, "Your work is considered a job, but my work is not viewed in the same way."

(No need to put “I remarked” is is completely unnecessary. And just like I said earlier, since the speaker is the same, just put it in the same paragraph. I can also sense a bit of frustration in her tone so let's make it spicy.)

Ex. My eyes widened, how could he suggest such a thing? “I can't skip work today even if it's my birthday. Duty waits for no one, Anirban. Besides, your work is considered a job, but my work is not viewed the same way.”

(Also, I don't know what they are referring to here. If she's referring to her work as a doctor then of course it's a real job. I don't know any person who considers being a doctor not a real job. So I just found this detail weird. I might be completely wrong though so let me know.)

He sighed, "Okay baba, don't get angry. Take this"

(A good line. Doesn't excuse his weird behaviour in the last chapter.)

He put a small gift box in my hand.

(Just add this to the previous paragraph.)

Ex. He sighed. “Okay, baba, don't get angry. Take this.” He placed a small gift box in my hand.

I won't keep doing this for the future chapters since this is something an editor is more suited for and I'm only a reviewer. I strongly suggest that you get an editor. The book suffers from formatting issues and overuse of verbs and adverbs. An editor can pinpoint those issues and make your book all the more better. So from here on then the segments are going to be a bit shorter.

Okay so we continue with the story. Compared to the previous chapter, I think this chapter’s pacing is a lot quicker. We jump between events quite quickly and there isn't much space to breathe. Once again, I noticed a lack of environmental details. There's dialogue and description of what the characters are wearing, but everything else is so vague. There's no sense of scale or time.

The relationship between Anirban and Mehek becomes more clear. I don't really ship them yet, but I'm hoping that will change in the future. I like a good friends to lovers story but at the moment, Mehek seems more annoyed with him than anything. The banter doesn't feel like friendly banter. They keep throwing jabs at each other and it just doesn't vibe with me. I do wonder when the ML will show up since I don't think Anirban is the ML of this story. It'd be interesting to see how the relationship between Mehek and Anirban play out when the ML enters the scene. Will there be a love triangle? Let's find out.

We arrive at the orphanage. Once again, the orphans and the orphanage feels like an afterthought due to the lack of environmental details. We don't know what the orphanage looks like or what the people look like. We don't get a sense of scale or a sense of emotion. All we have are these kids, who are apparently cute, who serve no purpose other than to tease Mehek about having a boyfriend.

One last gripe I have with the chapter is the sheer lack of tension because of how quickly the narrative brushes over the events. It reads more like a first draft with nothing but broad strokes. Broad strokes give us an idea of what is happening, but that's just it, an idea. The details have not been filled in so we cannot fully appreciate the whole piece. The moment where Nisha is almost run over by the car is supposed to be the first beat in the rising action. Mehek and Anirban’s reactions should serve to inform the readers about their personalities and how they react in tense situations. But all we get is a few lines about the events that transpired and then suddenly we meet the ML.

All in all, it felt very very rushed. I wasn't satisfied at all with how the chapter ended. The pacing was too quick. I hope the next chapter is better paced!

Chapter 3

Okay so the chapter opens with a flashback to a family vacation and a shopping trip that led to the fateful meeting between the main romantic leads. During a family dinner, Naina, Mehek's cousin suggests to the family that they should go on a vacation since she's done with her exams. As a fellow Asian who knows how big a deal exams are, I do not fault her for this. Go get your vacation girl! You need it! Besides, your family can very clearly afford it.

So Naina (probably my favourite character) bugs Mehek into taking her to a mall to go shopping. Mehek relents and takes her shopping. There she meets the ML.

Okay so for this next section, I'm so sorry but I have to say, it brought me straight back to the telenovelas that I used to watch. From what I've read so far, this book definitely feels like it was influenced by Asian telenovelas. I was shocked by Mehek's reaction. Now I need to rethink her entire character. I always found her to be quick to anger and hot tempered, especially when you consider how she walked out of a family meal because Anirban showed up. This girl was a little passive aggressive and very rude, to be honest, but damn... Mehek went in guns blazing.

And like, that coffee had to be pretty hot, right? I don't recall if the temperature of the coffee was noted but whatever the case, if this happened in real life, I can see these girls and their family trying to sue each other over a slight accident. Like girl... Mehek! There was no need to escalate that situation, omg. So what if she was a little passive aggressive? Girl you know you're better than this! You're worth more than this! Don't stoop to her petty level!

And the fact that she was so smug about it? Peak Telenovela stuff.

Then the narrative just...brushes over it with a timeskip. I look forward to the consequences of Mehek's actions.

So we cut to the actual vacation day. Turns out, the guy from the mall is the son of her dad's business partner.

Also also. Mehek is a doctor. A doctor. I imagine she'd be a bit more mature but apparently not because she's willing to stoop so low by throwing coffee at someone else. That coffee could have been boiling hot and she could have lost her medical license. Like GEEZ.

As for my overall thoughts regarding this chapter, I think it suffers from pacing issues once again. It reads like the first draft of a high school screenplay. I'm not sure how long it is compared to the previous chapter but this chapter definitely felt shorter, which made it suffer with pacing issues all the more.

But I look forward to seeing how this develops. I'm starting to see some telenovela influences (which isn't bad! Telenovela's are popular for a reason!).

Chapter 4

Onto chapter 4. I really liked the part where the ML mentions that he struggles with smoking. I think that's very nice. It shows that he has struggles as a person and that he is trying to change for the better. It makes him undoubtedly more relatable. But like previous chapters, this chapter also suffers from pacing. At this point, it's like beating up a dead horse but I cannot help but mention it.

So the ML takes Mehek and her cousins out to do some sight seeing. I think you could have really expanded on this part and given us scenes that explored what went on during their exploration. What conversations were had between the characters? What did they discover about each other during their sightseeing? This was a huge chance to build up tension and chemistry between the main leads but it was completely wasted.

Just like Mehek herself said, it passed like a blink of an eye. But it shouldn't! We should be allowed to live in these moments because it builds relationships between the characters and the readers. It allows the readers to see the characters in different situations. It's fascinating to see how characters will react to certain events, how their reactions differ from one another, and what similarities can be found between the leads. I suggest going back to this point and expanding the story. Instead, we had a montage. In televisions, montages are sometimes alright but in books, you need to squeeze out the details from the scenes.

Otherwise, why would the readers care when they cannot even visualise what is going on?

Let's move on.

Truthfully, I still don't buy the chemistry between the leads. It's all physical attraction, and for me, that's just not enough.

Also apparently he's a murderer? Or at least he ordered a murder to happen? I don't know. I hope that gets clarified in a future chapter.

All in all, a shorter chapter without a doubt. It could be longer and I wish we had more interactions between the leads where they just aren't thirsting for each other.

Ooh, Naina is getting her story as well? I'm definitely looking forward to it. I think I like her a lot.

Chapter 5

Note: This will be the last chapter I'll review. I don't think I can finish ten chapters. Unfortunately, this book simply did not hook me enough. Please reach out to me if you still want me to review the remaining chapters. I will, however, be leaving comments in the last 6-10 chapters remaining, I just can't write a full blown review for them as well due to how repetitive my points have become.

In chapter 5 we are introduced to several new characters. But none of them have outstanding personalities so honestly they just... kinda blend in together in my mind. But it is good to know that Mehek does have a social life outside her family. I'm glad to see her interacting with her co-workers!

As for the mysterious roses, I knew the moment they entered the story that the ML sent them hahaha. Of course he did. Oh well, I guess it shows that she's still in his mind.

I'm not sure who the person that is contacting Mehek is. I'm quite worried for her. I hope she's alright.

We also get some of the ML's thoughts on the matter. He definitely fits the rich bad boy archetype but I still don't have any strong feelings about him.

All in all, this chapter definitely added a whole new layer of intrigue and conflict to the story. I hope Mehek is okay!

FINAL Thoughts

And that's it for the review! I contemplated making a section for worldbuilding but there's so little information about the companies and the places they explore that I realised that there isn't much of a point to adding it in. If I had to rate this, I'd give it a 4/10. This book has promise and I can see the broader strokes being laid out. But the book needs details! Details! At the moment it is so dry that I really can't get into it at all.

I think you would benefit from having a beta reader and an editor.

That's all for now! So sorry for the long delay. We had… a lot of family losses and drama to deal with these past couple months and I have been sick. With regards to payment, you're free to do it or not. I won't require it due to the sheer length of the delay. I hope you're satisfied with the review! If not, do let me know!