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✦ { Ananas } Captivity

Client: lilac_minded

Reviewer: rebecca_batteur


Title:

The title makes sense and corresponds well to the story that is told here. Already, it is the same name as the video game which will be at the center of the plot and in which all the characters will be taken prisoner. Once again, the title Captivity is consistent since the story is centered around the imprisonment of the characters in this virtual world, although it is perhaps not very subtle. Who knew that the video game called Captivity locks people up? Well... It's not very important I guess but I think that, if it's logical that the title is Captivity, that the game is also called Captivity, that does not necessarily mean that it is the best possible choice. Let's say that it's really ironic and quite blatant as well, we quickly guess what the story, and the game in general, is going to be about. At least it enhances the clarity of the text...

Cover:

I'm not sure I understand this cover. It's not very attractive and I don't find it very clear. I couldn't explain certain choices and the whole thing seemed very obscure to me. First, I believe I understand that the net takes up the notion of imprisonment that you seek to convey. So far, it makes sense. However, why is the net catching what looks like a...whale? What is the significance of the presence of a whale on the cover? The story has nothing to do with the marine world or even with whales. The net alone would have been enough to convey the idea of ​​imprisonment, the whale (or whatever it is) makes the whole thing confusing and seems to have no reason for its presence in the image, or else it is a reason I don't understand.

Then, I also don't see who the character is placed in the background on the image, in a rather strange way since the image is more or less opaque and the character is placed horizontally. If I hadn't zoomed in on the image, I don't know if I would have been able to see that it was a character. Additionally, the blue background that seems to go with the net and the whale makes the background image even less noticeable. I don't understand who this person is, maybe it's someone mentioned in the story but there are so many characters that, apart from the first ones we meet, I haven't been able to figure them out and retain many others. If you want to put someone in the background of the cover, why not put the main character, Awandea?

Blurb:

The summary is, for me, a little too short to give an overall idea of ​​the story that awaits us.

First of all, why are Awandea's first and last names reversed? It would make sense if she was Japanese for example, but Awandea is from Philadelphia. It's just a detail I guess, and it doesn't matter much. You can ignore it if you want.

Then, the proportion giving real information compared to that warning of the possible presence of disturbing elements for the reader is almost equivalent, which is not right in my eyes. A summary can only work if it is worded in a very striking way for the person reading it. However, in this summary, even if nothing is grammatically incorrect, I do not sense anything special that particularly makes the reader want to read. The summary is not false or fundamentally bad but just quite empty and uninteresting in my eyes if it does not seek to be a sort of sample to make potential readers want to read. You need to think about the incentive function. Here, we already have most of the information, which the title perhaps already lets us guess, namely that the story is centered around the main character finding herself stuck in a video game. So far, nothing abnormal, it even makes sense to talk about this given that it is around this element that the entire plot is based on. However, once this point is established, we obtain nothing more, no mystery, no questions, nothing that allows us to cling to what you want to tell us or feel how this book is truly unique compared to others. I don't see anything of the essence of what you write other than the basic idea of ​​the story and I think that's quite a shame since it leaves us with only two sentences to understand what it's about and maybe want to read the book.

Plot:

The plot is coherent. I don't have the impression that it has any crippling mistakes that hinder the writing. The story is not particularly original I would say but that is not very important either given that, even with a banal story, you can sometimes get something interesting out of it. However, here I don't have much to work with or deal with, given the length of the chapters and their number. I don't quite know what to comment on.

The characters are taken prisoner in a video game. It is presented as a conscious choice on their part, but I must point out that the only choice they made was to buy a video game stating only that they would thus obtain the chance to escape from their world and change their lives in rather vague and simple terms, which is, it seems to me, the principle of most virtual reality games, and not a contract made with the player who agrees to renounce his true existence.

Plus, I find it odd that the characters aren't even really people who want to escape the real world but just play a video game. For example, Nia, who is seven years old in real life, does not show a desire to escape and even, when she sees her family for a moment, is happy, this is the case for almost every one of the characters, relieved to be back. They may well have been bored with their lives, but that does not seem to be their main motivation for playing video games. Many even seem quite satisfied with their lives, Demnin for example, shows his affection for his mother and does not seem to have a difficult relationship with her. Some didn't even seem aware that the point of the game was to be a sort of escapade.

Among all these people, the only person who wants to leave their daily life is Awandea, as is described at the beginning of the story, the others are not particularly concerned by this objective, which is even why they are scared as easily as soon as someone dies in the game. I guess I also have to count Nicole perhaps who makes it clear that she almost prefers the game to her world.

Then, I tended to find a way to solve the challenges they faced to be quite banal and not necessarily very inventive. When they are trapped in the hall, having to escape through the ceiling, they only succeed with a handful of means, making it on a human scale, benefiting from more advanced gadgets that don't require them to do anything... I would have preferred a test that requires more reflection from the team. from the players or which allows them to take advantage of what is around them in the room. Instead, the solution seems a bit quick and too simple.

It's the same thing as finding the princess of flora. Instead of gradually eliminating the green places where she could be using logic, Awandea, and Lumin manage to find her first because Lumin was able to buy a motorcycle.

I find it almost a little too easy but also surprising. How did he manage to raise so much money? I guess it's because of the number of people he killed, but even if he had killed two hundred, would that have been enough? And what about Demnin? How did he get enough to purchase six jetpacks when he didn't kill anyone? That's not my main topic here. What I want to say is that I find the obstacles they encounter to be too easy. The initial test shows this well. No team was disqualified. On the contrary, I think that making several people fail would have increased the pressure and shown how serious and dangerous the game is.

Also, I don't understand why the game allows participants to return home at regular intervals. How do we know if they won't get rid of the game in the meantime? If they won't run as far away as possible? What if they warn the authorities about what's happening? This seems like a huge risk and I think things would have worked better if they had all gone into a coma or had been replaced in the real world by copies. This would, at least, have worked better than this solution where they are left free to move around for a certain period. Some, like Eichi, may even make plans to try to thwart the game. I doubt that's what the creator of the game would want.

Characters:

I'll say it straight, I think there are way too many characters and most of them are useless. I only managed to remember the first ones we met. I think it's quite unrealistic to try to introduce so many people and make it clear who is who or even to give us all their first names with just an image of them that is quickly forgotten. It would be better to keep only those who are essential and keep the others as extras whose names can be mentioned quickly but who are not obliged to present more than that. You should simply present them with a few keywords rather than images, a few elements that are characteristic of them so that the reader can better remember them.

Moreover, a detail that is not very important, I find it strange that all the characters have an Asian appearance, even those who are not Asian at all. I have nothing against their appearances per se, however, I find it strange that someone from Australia looks like they are from Japan or Korea. Maybe you should just explain that the game makes them look like that or I don't know. It's a detail after all but I find that it breaks the immersion a bit.

Everything goes too quickly and we don't get to know the characters very well. I have trouble differentiating them from each other and, once again, I think it's because there are too many of them, some of which are not useful.

Awandea is a strange character that I can't quite understand. At first, she seems completely hateful, she's apathetic and doesn't do anything except be annoying. Her friend calls her to tell her about a new game that is going to be released, instead of listening to him, she goes down to get her sister's money to buy it and leaves him alone without warning him or hanging up, responding only with one word to his questions and even seems happy to see him finally hang up.

She is obnoxious towards her sister, not participating in the conversation at all, sullen, and responding with a single word to her questions. Then, she even seems psychopathic, not hesitating to attack her sister with a fork when she starts talking badly about her mother who left until the latter finds herself forced to beg her telling her that, without her, she will no longer be able to buy video games. Awandea only seems to tolerate her sister as long as she provides her with video games, shelter, and food. For the rest, she is ungrateful. She provokes Awinita who only worries about her, asks her questions, and tries to take an interest in her life.

Awandea only seems to act in the story to play video games or attack her sister.

Then, later, when they have just witnessed the death of someone, while everyone is panicking, she wants to continue playing, causing incomprehension among her comrades and Demnin's anger, justified anger.

So far, this is all consistent I would say, it's a good basis for a main character to change, grow, and evolve.

However, when Demnin confronts her, she tells him a completely different story than the one we witnessed. She tells him that he didn't know the whole story and that he was wrong to talk about her like that, which is understandable, no one likes to be called insensitive. However, she immediately begins to tell him her life story and, what's more, a version that doesn't seem true.

According to her, her father and her half-sister excluded her from everything because she was the daughter of her father's second wife who had run away until the father disappeared. Awandea then says that Awinita harassed her, was hateful to her, held her responsible for everything, and tried to constantly remind her that her mother had fled...

I find this version of the facts very strange and also very far from what we have seen. Awinita may be insistent, pressing toward her sister but it is not unjustified, she is permanently apathetic, says nothing, is morose, does not answer her questions, and ignores her. She doesn't seem to particularly bother her, she lets her buy all the games she wants, she allows her to live while she's all alone to take care of her and she doesn't even have to while Awandea shows terrible ingratitude and even threatens her physically.

Of course, she reminds her that her mother has disappeared, but this is a fact, a reality that neither of them can do anything about and for which Awinita is not responsible. Maybe Awandea should start taking her anger out on her mother who left rather than her sister who still takes care of her.

And, after this interaction, suddenly Awandea changes her personality, she is more open than before, it's as if all her problems have disappeared, she gets closer to Demnin and they seem to suddenly fall in love for no reason in a way that is much too fast, while Demnin found her distant and insensitive just before.

Then, later, when Lumin intervenes, Awandea no longer seems to have any impact or personality in the story, she no longer serves much of a purpose since the solutions to each problem are provided by Lumin and she just follows him without saying anything or almost.

Pace:

The pace is far too long too often, before the tests for example, when they meet their respective teams, everything drags on to meet characters in whom we have little interest, or even during the test, where we are supposed to be interested in other teams by trying to present them quickly with successions of images but the effect is only a slowing down of the story. On the one hand, the relationships do not have time to develop but on the other hand, the plot seems to take too long to develop, it is quite paradoxical and this is once again, in my opinion, the fact that there are too many characters.

Grammar:

There are sometimes mistakes, careless errors, or slightly strange dialogues that seem difficult to believe and unnatural. Given the length of the chapters, re-reading them a little more might help. This is not deplorable, far from it, but I think that being careful of typos is important. There are also several inconsistencies in the use of tenses, you have to be careful about this.

Writing Style:

The style is sorely lacking in definition or anything to hold onto. I like the video game elements in it but the rest could be improved. I think it's perhaps a little easy to rely solely on images generated by artificial intelligence to describe the characters. We don't have a sense of the author's vision and their appearance is imposed on us. The settings are not described and it is difficult to visualize the scenes as well as the places where we are. It's supposed to be a story describing immersion in a new virtual world, it has to show this new virtual world and how it is different from ours, how it is wonderful or intriguing or different from what we know.

Personal Enjoyment:

The book was short enough that I couldn't get a good idea of ​​whether I liked it or not. It's not bad, I would say that certain passages have potential but that they are not exploited enough. The characters don't have the space to unfold as they should, and the story is a little flat for the moment. This does not mean that it cannot improve and become very interesting or even that it does not have any qualities. I just think changes and improvements are needed. Good luck for the future! I am sure you can continue as an author and reach new heights.

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