Client: ajroker

Reviewer: MsGlaze

A Note to the Author:
Before diving into this review, I want to acknowledge the dedication, time, and vulnerability it takes to write a book. Every story is a labor of love, and sharing it with the world is no small feat. This review is offered with genuine respect for your work and with the hope that any feedback, positive or constructive, will be helpful and encouraging. Please know that my intent is never to offend, but to engage thoughtfully and supportively. Every writer is on a journey, and I'm honoured to be a small part of yours through this review.

This is a chapter-by-chapter review of your book, offered with the intent to highlight both the strengths and areas for growth in each section. While the grading provides an overview, this review aims to offer more detailed, thoughtful reflections that may not be fully captured in the grading section.

Prologue: We can sense Milly's emotional turmoil from the very first line, which is an effective way to immerse readers immediately. The story doesn't waste time establishing the central issue—her pregnancy—and that's a strong choice. However, the metaphor about the weight of the test being in the test kit is somewhat confusing. The intention is clear: Milly feels the emotional pressure of the test's result. But phrasing it more clearly or choosing a more grounded comparison might help readers grasp the intensity without stumbling. For example, describing her hands trembling as she holds the test or the silence of the bathroom pressing in on her might carry that emotional weight more effectively.

One strength in your writing is the way you execute physical actions. For many writers, sequencing physical movement while maintaining emotional tone can be tricky, but you generally do it well. Readers can follow Milly's reactions clearly as she moves, speaks, or pauses. That said, some phrasing does create a bit of confusion. In the second paragraph, the sentence about the knock at the door is structurally awkward: "A sharp knock at the door made her back arch — it hadn't stopped pounding." At first glance, "it" appears to refer to her back, not the door. This causes the reader to pause and reread, interrupting the emotional rhythm you've been building. A rewording like, "The relentless knocking sent a jolt through her — her back arched in response," would preserve the emotional effect while improving clarity. It creates a clearer cause-and-effect relationship between the sound and her reaction, avoiding ambiguity.

Clarity is key when balancing tension and physical reaction. Awkward or imprecise wording, even in emotionally charged scenes, can unintentionally pull readers out of the moment. Be mindful of pronoun references, especially in moments with multiple potential subjects, and try reading sentences aloud during revision—awkward rhythm or confusion will often stand out more that way.

Overall, the introduction is solid in both emotional impact and pacing. With a slight revision for metaphor clarity and sentence structure, it can land even more powerfully. The emotional tone is there—you just need to fine-tune the delivery to ensure readers stay fully engaged and connected to Milly's experience from line one.

There's a noticeable shift in tense early on that disrupts the flow of the narrative. The line "she glances" switches to the present tense in a section that has been consistently written in the past. This type of sudden shift is jarring for the reader and breaks immersion. It's important to maintain consistency with tense throughout the scene unless you have a very specific and deliberate reason to change it—such as a stylistic flashback or a direct shift into inner monologue. Otherwise, keep verbs aligned with the tense established at the beginning. "She glances" should simply be "she glanced."

Now, onto the setting—there's something powerful about the way the untidy, slightly decayed surroundings reflect Milly's emotional state. Whether it was intentional or not, the details—scratched walls, peeling paint, general disarray—visually mirror the chaos and uncertainty in her life. These environmental elements read like a physical manifestation of what's coming next, depending on the pregnancy test result. If that was a conscious creative choice, it's incredibly thoughtful. If it was a coincidence, it still works because of how well it complements the story's emotional tone. It adds to the atmosphere without needing direct commentary.

The knocking man at the door is another strong detail. His persistence increases the sense of claustrophobia that Milly is experiencing. She's emotionally suffocating while internally spiralling, and now she's also physically being interrupted, intruded upon. That intrusion from the outside world—someone impatiently demanding her attention—parallels how life doesn't pause just because she's facing a personal crisis. It's a smart, layered detail that adds pressure without the need for overt dramatization.

You've also used internal monologue effectively. Switching to the first person in her thoughts works well in this emotionally charged context. It lets readers feel closer to Milly's panic, her desperation, and the weight she's carrying. These first-person insights, sprinkled in amid the third-person narration, don't feel out of place—they deepen our emotional connection to her.

One stylistic note: you're using sentence fragments like "The peeling paint and the crude messages scratched onto the walls." These are effective for rhythm and mood, but technically, they are grammatically incomplete. If you want to keep them, fine—but know that in formal or polished narrative prose, it's usually best to turn those into full sentences (e.g., "The peeling paint and crude messages scratched onto the walls made the place feel forgotten.").

Finally, the ending fits the tone perfectly. It doesn't wrap things up neatly but leaves the weight of the situation lingering, just as it should.

Chapter 1: The hook of the story has been explored in solid depth throughout the scene. However, one area that could benefit from structural and stylistic refinement is the introductory description of Jeremy himself. There's a lot of information about him presented upfront, which slightly slows down the initial momentum. This information is necessary to some extent, especially for readers to understand his significance in Milly's life, but the way it's delivered can be tightened for impact.

For instance, when describing Jeremy's physical appearance, particularly the detail that he's "tall," the placement of that descriptor matters. In the current draft, it appears as an afterthought or is buried within a longer sentence. To give it proper emphasis—especially if his height carries symbolic weight or plays into his perceived confidence or dominance—it should either be moved forward within the sentence or separated entirely. Something like "He was tall, with that kind of presence that turned heads without trying." This approach gives the trait clarity and strength. Otherwise, leaving it at the end makes it read like an incidental detail, which contradicts how much importance is being placed on him as a character early on.

Another key point is subtlety—how much should be shown versus told. Right now, Jeremy's negative traits are explicitly stated in narration, which leaves little room for readers to interpret or build their own judgments. A stronger technique is to reveal his flaws through action and dialogue. For example, rather than saying "Jeremy was not a good person," let his indifference, selfishness, or manipulation play out in how he dismisses Milly, how he speaks about her to others, or how he shirks responsibility. This not only preserves narrative tension but also respects the intelligence of the reader. Trust them to pick up on who he is without being told directly.

The sentence "Today, being the last day of the semester, made her know if she wanted to ask for his help, it had to be now," is another example of where technical clarity matters. As it appears in the original draft, it lacks punctuation, which makes it feel rushed and slightly hard to follow. A more polished version would read: "Today—being the last day of the semester—made her realize that if she was going to ask for his help, it had to be now." The punctuation adds rhythm, and the inclusion of "realize" instead of "know" makes the sentence more active and specific. This level of care in sentence construction helps maintain flow while enhancing emotional delivery.

Overall, these are minor but impactful edits. Structurally, the story is working, and Jeremy's introduction does what it needs to. With a few changes to sentence structure, pacing, and the use of show vs. tell, the writing will become more immersive and polished without losing the emotional edge you've built so well.

The sentence "Then she saw him do his next move reaching out, gently tucking a small strand of hair behind the girl's ear" has an awkward construction that makes it stumble. Firstly, there should be a comma beside the word 'move'. As it stands, the reader is forced to parse through a cluster of actions without the necessary pacing or clarity. To correct it, the sentence either needs a comma after "move" or should be split into two distinct sentences for smoother readability. For example: "Then she saw him make his next move, reaching out to gently tuck a strand of hair behind the girl's ear." Alternatively, breaking it up works well too: "Then she saw him make his next move. He reached out, gently tucking a strand of hair behind the girl's ear." Both edits clarify the intention and improve the flow while maintaining the emotional impact.

The description of Jeremy's interaction and Milly's response is vivid, and her internal reaction is well conveyed in most areas. However, some of the emotional sentences are cluttered with awkward phrasing that can obscure their meaning. One such example is: "It meant there was no one to tell her parents yet, and the shakiness in her hand eased she may still survive." This sentence is overloaded with ideas and lacks a necessary comma after "eased." A clearer version might be: "It meant no one had told her parents yet, and as the shakiness in her hand eased, she allowed herself to believe she might still survive." This revision keeps the emotional weight but smooths out the sentence structure and pacing.

Another line that needs attention is: "She might make it before the rain, and a small smile lit her lips, but her heart still ached." This is a classic run-on sentence—two independent clauses joined with just a comma. Grammatically, this creates confusion, and stylistically, it flattens the emotional beat. Breaking it up gives each idea space to breathe: "She might make it before the rain. A small smile lit her lips, but her heart still ached." This way, the contrast between her fleeting physical relief and underlying emotional pain becomes more striking.

Throughout the passage, there's a noticeable tendency to overuse telling rather than showing, especially with emotional descriptors. For example, phrases like "her irritation," "her fury," or "she felt sad" are blunt and repetitive. While it's fine to use telling occasionally to anchor the reader, the over-reliance makes the prose feel heavy-handed. A more balanced approach would involve expressing emotion through physical cues, behaviour, or dialogue. For instance, instead of saying "her fury rose," you might write, "Her fists curled at her sides, knuckles whitening as she fought the urge to scream." This shows her emotion without labelling it.

Lastly, the writing contains a number of minor typos that cumulatively affect polish and readability. Things like missing commas, extra conjunctions, or misused tenses crop up frequently. These can usually be caught with a close proofreading pass or by reading the text aloud to catch unnatural rhythms or errors.

Overall, the emotional narrative is strong, and the character reactions are grounded. With tighter sentence structure, cleaner grammar, and a more even balance between showing and telling, the prose will become much more fluid and engaging without losing its emotional intensity

The phrase "wave of nerves churn" is conceptually confusing and doesn't deliver the emotional or sensory clarity you might have intended. "Wave" typically conveys an external force—something that crashes into or over a person, suggesting an overwhelming or sudden impact. On the other hand, "churn" implies internal turmoil—an ongoing twisting or agitation from within. Pairing the two with "nerves" placed ambiguously between internal sensation and emotional tension creates a visual and emotional clash that pulls the reader out of the narrative. While metaphor mixing isn't inherently wrong, in this case, it reduces readability and weakens the emotional impact. A better alternative might be: "A wave of nerves crashed over her, leaving her stomach churning," which maintains the dual sensations while keeping them linguistically and emotionally distinct.

In the moment where Jeremy asks, "What's so important that you can't just enjoy the moment?" the narrative then immediately clarifies that this was said "mockingly". This is an example of unnecessary telling. The sarcasm and dismissiveness are already clear through Jeremy's phrasing and context, so pointing out the mockery directly feels redundant. Removing the explanation would allow the reader to naturally interpret his tone, enhancing trust in their ability to infer subtext. Strong writing often lies in restraint—letting dialogue and character action speak for themselves rather than over-explaining.

The story's depiction of the emotional fallout Milly faces, especially from someone she clearly had emotional ties to, feels authentic and grounded in reality. The way Jeremy distances himself from the situation while retaining his social privilege and deflecting responsibility reflects the unfortunate dynamic many young women experience in real life. Teenage boys often retreat into indifference, leaving girls like Milly to carry both the physical and emotional burdens alone. Your narrative doesn't romanticize this situation, which is a strength—it presents the imbalance of responsibility and judgment with honesty. However, to deepen the emotional resonance, it would help to explore more of Milly's internal monologue or sensory experience in those moments, rather than relying too much on summary.

There are also a few technical issues that should be addressed. For example, the line "his glared focus razor sharp on her" is grammatically incorrect. "Glared" is a verb, and "focus" is a noun, so this pairing doesn't work. The correct phrase should be "his glare focused razor sharp on the test", or likewise, depending on your preferred sentence rhythm. Additionally, when Matty speaks, the phrase "Matty softly stated" is missing a necessary comma before the dialogue tag. It should be: "It's going to be okay," Matty softly stated. These small punctuation issues add up and can subtly erode the professionalism and smoothness of the narrative.

Overall, while the story is emotionally compelling and grounded in real, painful dynamics, it would benefit from tightening metaphors, trusting the reader more in dialogue, and cleaning up grammatical errors. The realism you bring to Milly's struggle gives the piece strong emotional weight—it just needs more polish to let that weight land fully.

Chapter 2: After the conclusion of Chapter 1, there's a noticeable gap in the narrative that leaves readers questioning Milly's motivations. Specifically, after Matty offers assistance, Milly's subsequent actions—walking in the rain—lack clear justification. The narrative doesn't explicitly depict her declining Matty's offer, leading to ambiguity about her decision-making process. To enhance clarity, consider adding a brief scene or internal monologue where Milly reflects on her reasons for declining help, thereby providing readers with insight into her emotional state and thought process.

There are several instances where sentence structure and grammar can be improved for better readability. For example, the phrase "She was home soon" is grammatically incorrect. A more appropriate phrasing would be: "She was going to reach home soon." This revision maintains the intended meaning while adhering to grammatical conventions. In the sentence: "The smell of pasta seeped through Milly's nose, as aroma filled the house, but she only felt nauseous," the phrase "as aroma filled the house" is redundant. Since the smell of pasta already implies the aroma, this clause can be omitted. Alternatively, to retain the descriptive element, consider rephrasing as: "A warm wave of pasta aroma filled the house, curling into Milly's nose—but it brought only nausea." This revision eliminates redundancy and enhances the sentence's impact.

Milly's internal struggles are portrayed with commendable depth, effectively conveying her sense of hopelessness. The external setting, particularly the rain, serves as a poignant metaphor for her internal turmoil, reinforcing the narrative's emotional tone. However, to further enrich her character development, consider delving deeper into her internal monologue. Providing readers with more insight into her thoughts and feelings can create a stronger emotional connection and offer a more nuanced understanding of her character.

The story is written in third-person limited point of view, focusing on Milly's experiences and perceptions. It's crucial to maintain consistency in this narrative style by ensuring that the reader is privy only to Milly's thoughts and observations. For instance, when describing her mother's emotions, it's important to avoid attributing feelings directly to her unless Milly perceives them through her observations or interactions. Instead of stating her mother's emotions explicitly, show them through her actions, dialogue, and body language. This approach maintains the narrative's consistency and allows readers to infer emotions organically.

In dialogue, particularly when Milly's mother speaks, it's important to avoid redundancy. For example, the phrase "I was doing tutoring" contains two verbs that convey the same action. Simplifying this to "I tutor" or "I was tutoring" streamlines the sentence and enhances clarity. Additionally, when describing her mother's physical appearance, it's beneficial to focus on specific details that convey her emotions and character traits. For instance, instead of stating her mother's emotions directly, describe her actions and expressions that reflect her feelings. This method allows readers to infer her emotions and adds depth to her character portrayal.

The relationship between Milly and her family members is depicted with subtlety and complexity. Her mother's strictness is portrayed not as villainy but as a manifestation of care and concern, which adds realism to the narrative. To further develop this dynamic, consider exploring Milly's internal responses to her mother's behaviour. Does she feel resentment, understanding, or a mixture of both? Showing these conflicting emotions can add depth to their relationship and make it more relatable to readers.

Regarding her brother's apparent enmity, it's essential to provide context or foreshadowing to explain this tension. Introducing subtle hints or backstory elements can pique readers' curiosity and set the stage for future revelations, enhancing the narrative's intrigue.

Milly's physical changes, particularly her growing bump, are significant aspects of her character's journey. However, there's a noticeable inconsistency regarding her family's awareness of these changes. If her dress barely fits her anymore, it's reasonable to assume that her family would have noticed her physical transformation. To address this, consider incorporating scenes where her family members react to her appearance, or explore Milly's internal thoughts about their potential awareness. This consistency will strengthen the narrative's believability and cohesion.

The summary of winter break provides useful context but may benefit from a more dynamic presentation. Instead of summarizing events, consider showing key moments through scenes or interactions that highlight Milly's experiences and emotional shifts during this period. This approach can enhance pacing and engage readers more effectively, allowing them to experience Milly's journey first-hand.

In summary, the narrative offers a compelling portrayal of Milly's internal and external struggles. By addressing the aforementioned areas—clarifying character motivations, refining sentence structure, maintaining consistency in point of view, enhancing emotional depth, and ensuring narrative consistency—you can further elevate the story's impact and resonance. These revisions will not only improve readability but also deepen readers' connection to Milly's character and her journey.

Chapter 3: The depiction of school life in the narrative is strikingly realistic, capturing the harsh realities faced by pregnant teens. Bullying becomes an inescapable part of their daily existence, with peers often targeting them for their condition. This reflects a broader societal issue where, despite widespread promiscuity among teenagers, the pregnant girl becomes the focal point of ridicule and degradation. Such experiences are not uncommon, as studies have shown that pregnant teens frequently face bullying, name-calling, and social exclusion from their peers.

However, there are moments where the narrative could benefit from more precise language. For instance, the phrase "the rocking slightly" lacks clarity. To enhance the imagery, specifying the subject, such as "the car rocking slightly," would provide readers with a clearer mental picture. Additionally, the use of the word "just" in "the mess he just created" seems unnecessary and detracts from the sentence's impact. Omitting it would streamline the sentence and make it more direct.

Furthermore, the analogy "Milly's blood grew red" is biologically inaccurate, as blood is always red. A more effective metaphor could be "Milly's blood warmed," which conveys a sense of heightened emotion or physical response without scientific inaccuracy. Such nuanced language choices can significantly enhance the narrative's emotional depth.

In dialogue, attention to detail is crucial. The phrase "voice rising with each syllabus" contains a typographical error; it should be "syllable." This correction ensures the sentence accurately reflects the intended meaning and maintains the narrative's credibility.

In conclusion, while the narrative effectively portrays the challenges faced by pregnant teens in school, attention to linguistic precision and clarity can further strengthen its impact. By refining these elements, the story can offer a more compelling and authentic representation of the emotional and social struggles encountered by young mothers.

Bolding quotations is not the best stylistic choice. In written communication, bold text often reads as shouting, which detracts from the intended emotional tone. When indicating dialogue or emphasizing specific phrases, italics or simple quotation marks are more effective and visually appropriate. In literary writing, these conventions carry more nuance and keep the reader immersed without disrupting the flow of the text.

There's also an inconsistency in verb tense that should be addressed. For example, the use of the word 'hit' is in the present tense, while the rest of the narrative is primarily written in the past. This breaks continuity and can be jarring for the reader. Maintaining a consistent tense throughout is essential for clarity and readability. Switching tenses without a clear narrative purpose can confuse the reader about when the action is taking place.

Another issue is the suddenness with which a key event unfolds. The line describing how Jeremy's body hit the back of the car is abrupt and lacks the necessary build-up. There is no indication that Milly pushed him, so the moment feels disjointed. A transition or explanation is needed here—either through an explicit action or internal monologue—to make the scene believable and impactful. Abruptness without context weakens the emotional gravity of the moment.

Then there's the line: "All I wanted was for you to help me fix what you created." The comma in this sentence is unnecessary. It interrupts the natural flow of speech and creates a pause that doesn't belong there. Removing the comma results in a more fluid and realistic line of dialogue.

In the following sentence—"But no that's too hard for you to comprehend..."—the lack of punctuation makes it grammatically incorrect and awkward to read. There should be a comma after 'But no', as in: "But no, that's too hard for you to comprehend..." This helps properly structure the sentence and conveys the intended tone of frustration or exasperation more effectively.

Now, let's consider character accountability. In this story, it appears that Milly places the entire blame for the pregnancy on Jeremy. However, the pregnancy was the result of consensual sexual activity, meaning both individuals share responsibility. Jeremy's refusal to acknowledge or address the situation is undoubtedly a red flag and showcases a lack of maturity and accountability. However, portraying Milly as completely innocent skews the reality of the situation. Responsibility for the consequences should be depicted as shared. While Jeremy's actions—or lack thereof—are reprehensible, Milly's own choices should not be erased from the equation.

That said, the story remains logical and structurally sound in its overall arc. Olivia's comeuppance is satisfying and deserved. Her role in the plot as an antagonist who uses manipulation and perhaps social power to cause harm is effectively portrayed. She faces appropriate consequences, which lends a sense of justice to the narrative.

Additionally, the portrayal of the headmaster is a strong critique of institutional abuse of power. His misuse of authority—whether through favouritism, cover-ups, or outright negligence—adds a layer of realism and depth to the story. These kinds of figures, who use their position to enable or ignore wrongdoing, reflect genuine issues present in real educational institutions. Addressing these dynamics is a valuable and necessary part of the story's message.

In summary, while the story has a solid foundation and tackles important themes, it needs refinement in tone, grammatical precision, and character balance. A more even-handed portrayal of responsibility, better sentence structure, and smoother transitions would greatly enhance its effectiveness. The narrative shows promise, but polishing these areas would help it reach its full potential

In the sentence: "Jeremy's smugness remained and Olivia's smirk was all she needed, for a flamed form in her stomach," the comma is incorrect. The phrase following it is not an independent clause, so connecting it with a comma disrupts the sentence structure and clarity. Either a coordinating conjunction should be added, or the sentence should be restructured for flow and precision. Additionally, the phrase "a flamed form in her stomach" feels vague and awkward. It could benefit from clearer imagery or a more conventional metaphor to maintain narrative coherence.

There are also a few minor typographical errors scattered throughout the piece. While they don't necessarily detract from the overall message, they do affect the polish and professionalism of the writing. For instance, the line where Milly addresses Mr. Jones, saying something akin to "Can you remind Olivia and Jeremy that bullying is not allowed," should end with a question mark. The sentence is framed as a question, so it must be punctuated accordingly. Overlooking such basic punctuation rules can reduce the effectiveness of an otherwise strong line.

The phrase "Once she stepped into the hallway" is another issue. As it stands, it's a sentence fragment—an incomplete thought. It either needs to be connected to a following clause or rephrased entirely to convey a complete image or action. Without further context, the sentence dangles without resolution.

In another line: "Jeremiah, surrounded by his friends, was walking in her direction laughing like nothing had changed," a comma is missing before "laughing." That participial phrase requires separation from the rest of the sentence to improve readability and maintain grammatical correctness. These small structural adjustments can significantly improve the flow and clarity of the narrative.

There's also inconsistency in spelling conventions. Earlier, the word "toward" is used, indicating American English. However, later on, "towards" appears, which aligns with British English. While both are correct in their respective contexts, switching between language systems within the same text is distracting and stylistically unsound. Choose one—American or British English—and maintain consistency throughout the piece.

Now, turning to the story itself: it is undeniably impactful. The realism is one of its strongest elements. The characters speak and behave like actual teenagers, and the situations are grounded in a believable emotional reality. However, Milly's character, while sympathetic, is not entirely responsible in how she navigates her circumstances. It is understandable that she is emotional and overwhelmed, but she often makes choices that further complicate her situation. For instance, confronting people in public or escalating tensions doesn't help her case.

That said, this doesn't necessarily count against the story. In fact, it adds depth to Milly's character. She is not perfect—nor should she be. She is a flawed teenager grappling with overwhelming emotions and a life-altering situation. Expecting her to behave with the maturity of an adult would be unrealistic. That she doesn't immediately accept her situation or become a responsible mother figure overnight is believable and, in many ways, appropriate. Her imperfections make her feel real and relatable.

This complexity contributes to the story's emotional weight. The portrayal of teenage pregnancy and its surrounding stigma, emotional turmoil, and interpersonal conflict is handled with nuance. The ending, in particular, holds a suspenseful edge. It leaves the reader questioning what will come next and how Milly will grow—or falter—from here. That kind of uncertainty is powerful and mimics real life, where outcomes aren't always neatly resolved.

Overall, the story is emotionally resonant and well-shaped, with strong thematic grounding. With improved punctuation, consistency in style, and tighter grammar, it can become a truly compelling piece of fiction.

Chapter 4: The sentence "No noise was made in the car; only the humming of the air conditioning breeze was flowing" contains both a punctuation and a phrasing issue. First, the use of a semicolon is not justified here. Semicolons are typically used to link two closely related independent clauses. In this case, the second clause—"only the humming of the air conditioning breeze was flowing"—lacks the necessary strength and clarity to stand alone. A simple comma or even a restructured sentence would be more effective. For example: "The car was silent, save for the soft hum of the air conditioning." That version is more concise and natural.

Beyond punctuation, the phrase "air conditioning breeze was flowing" is also awkward. Breezes don't usually "flow"; they "blow" or "drift," and adding "air conditioning" before it makes it sound overly technical. When describing silence and subtle background noise, minimalism is often stronger than forced imagery. Simplifying this part of the sentence would improve the mood you're trying to convey.

Another detail worth correcting is the physical realism in a later scene. You describe someone being pulled out with "both of their hands." In most real-life situations, when someone is being helped or pulled from somewhere, it's typically by one hand, not both. It's not only more physically feasible but also more emotionally intimate, which seems to be the tone you're aiming for. Replacing "hands" with "hand" would be a small yet meaningful improvement to the realism and relatability of the scene.

There's also the phrase: "Her mother turned to her with a fury." The article "a" is misused here. "Fury" is generally treated as an uncountable noun, so it shouldn't be preceded by an indefinite article. A more suitable phrasing would be: "Her mother turned to her in fury" or "Her mother turned to her, furious." Both options preserve the emotion while remaining grammatically correct and stylistically clean.

That said, the story shines in how it portrays Milly's internal panic. This section is especially well done. The reader can vividly feel her anxiety and confusion building. Her physical responses—shaking hands, shallow breathing, and a sense of disorientation—are authentic and well-observed. They ground the emotional chaos in something tangible. This kind of psychological realism makes the scene far more powerful.

It's not easy to write emotional responses in a way that feels neither exaggerated nor flat. Many stories struggle to find that balance, but here, Milly's panic reads as genuine and immersive. That connection to the character is what keeps readers engaged and invested.

In short, while there are some technical and grammatical issues that need attention—awkward phrasing, incorrect article usage, and misapplied punctuation—the emotional heart of the passage is strong. With a few careful edits, this part of the story could go from competent to striking.

The sentence "When did she get in here? Her mind wondered" is grammatically correct in isolation, but stylistically it feels awkward and disjointed. The verb "wondered" is fine, but it comes across as stiff when used in a separate sentence like this. Joining the two thoughts would improve flow and tone. A smoother version might be: "She wondered when her mother had come in." This rephrasing maintains the intent while improving readability and coherence.

Regarding Milly's mother, while her actions may initially seem harsh or irresponsible, especially in emotionally burdening Milly instead of offering support, they are grounded in realism. Her frustration, shock, and even moments of emotional distance mirror the way many parents in real life react to teenage pregnancy. She is not a caricature of a bad parent; she's flawed, but believable. This realism adds weight to the story, showing that not all parental figures will rise to the occasion immediately or perfectly.

The flashback is especially important in this regard. It provides critical context and underscores a valuable truth: Milly did have a choice. She's not merely a victim of circumstances or Jeremy's neglect. Her decisions also played a part in where she ended up. That sense of shared responsibility deepens her character and prevents her from falling into the trap of being one-dimensional. Rather than painting her as blameless, the story wisely allows for her mistakes to exist alongside her struggles, which is exactly what makes her compelling.

There's a sentence that reads: "Finally wants to get a urine test to be completely certain." As it stands, it's incomplete and lacks a subject. Who finally wants the urine test—Milly? Her mother? It needs to be clarified and made into a full sentence, such as: "She finally decides to get a urine test to be completely certain." This small correction dramatically improves the sentence's coherence and ensures the reader doesn't stumble.

The supporting characters—specifically the doctor and nurse—are handled with care and realism. They behave with professionalism, offering a calm and grounded contrast to the emotional turmoil Milly is experiencing. Their measured responses and respectful demeanour help create a sense of safety in what is otherwise a deeply vulnerable situation. It's a subtle touch, but it strengthens the story's sense of realism and balance.

Altogether, this part of the story shows thoughtful construction. The emotional complexity of the characters, particularly the mother and Milly, is well-managed. The medical setting doesn't feel like a prop but rather a necessary environment that grounds the story in a credible place and offers a break from the heightened emotional tone elsewhere. With minor adjustments to sentence structure and grammar, the writing will match the strength of the character work and thematic realism already present.

Chapter 5: This section of the story is beginning to feel repetitive. While I understand that the author is striving for realism, particularly in capturing Milly's emotional state and home environment, it's important to avoid cycling through the same types of descriptions over multiple scenes. Constantly returning to the same emotional or environmental beats can start to feel redundant for the reader, even if they're rooted in truth. For example, descriptions of the chaotic home, Milly's internal discomfort, and the family tension have already been firmly established. Reiterating them without adding new insight or progression doesn't move the story forward. At this stage, it would be more engaging to see a shift—whether emotional, environmental, or narrative—so the reader can sense development.

Another confusing aspect is Austin's role. It isn't entirely clear why he went along. The story doesn't offer any motivation or internal reasoning from his perspective, and since the point of view is limited to Milly's, the reader is left wondering about his purpose in the scene. Did someone ask him to come? Is he meant to be a source of comfort or an observer? A little more context would help justify his presence. Right now, he feels like an accessory rather than an active character with his own motives.

The issue of narrative perspective is especially relevant in a particular sentence where it's implied that Milly knows exactly why her neighbours are throwing trash in a certain way or behaving indifferently toward her home. But in third-person limited narration, Milly can't definitively know the motivations of others unless she's been explicitly told or has seen clear signs. The line assumes too much certainty about others' intentions without any supporting description, such as someone glaring at the house, whispering to others, or even past confrontations. Without evidence or context, it feels like speculation being presented as fact, which weakens the credibility of the scene.

Then there's the line: "The house was suffocating, and she knew where her mother was, even without following the anger." The first part of the sentence is clear and effective—"suffocating" is a strong, evocative word that communicates the emotional weight of the environment. However, the second half—"even without following the anger"—is confusing. The phrase is vague and disjointed. It's unclear what "following the anger" means here. Is it a physical trail of sound, a metaphor for energy, or presence? The intended meaning doesn't land, and as a result, the emotional impact is diluted. A clearer rewrite would improve both flow and understanding, such as: "The house was suffocating, and she knew exactly where her mother would be, even without hearing a word."

Overall, the story continues to be grounded in emotional truth, and the atmosphere of tension is effectively sustained. But there comes a point when realism must be balanced with narrative movement. Instead of repeating emotional states or environmental imagery, it would be more powerful to escalate, contrast, or shift perspective slightly. The reader already knows the stakes and the weight Milly carries—it's time to let the story evolve from that established foundation. With a few structural adjustments and tighter attention to POV and clarity, this section could be far more impactful.

This section offers some of the most emotionally resonant character interactions so far. Her mother's actions and Milly's reactions are particularly well-handled. There is a raw authenticity in the way their emotional clash is portrayed. The writing doesn't dramatize unnecessarily; instead, it relies on controlled intensity, which makes the scene feel real and grounded. The mother's outburst doesn't come across as one-dimensional anger but rather the kind of frustration that builds over time—a reaction layered with pain, helplessness, and disappointment. Milly's response, on the other hand, is equally believable. Her silence, hesitation, and inner emotional unravelling echo the experience of someone facing a complex and emotionally charged situation.

However, there's a formatting issue that distracts from this emotional momentum. The sudden switch to centre-aligned text mid-section is jarring. Up until this point, Milly's thoughts have been consistently presented on the left, like the rest of the narrative. The abrupt change in alignment breaks that rhythm and creates confusion. Readers rely on visual consistency to differentiate between narrative layers, especially in internal dialogue or thought. If the goal was to emphasize a particular thought or shift in tone, there are more effective ways to do so, such as using italics or paragraph breaks. The current formatting just feels like an error or oversight.

Austin's character development is a strong highlight in this part. The transformation from someone initially presented as dismissive and emotionally unavailable into a supportive figure is both subtle and believable. The pacing of his change works well—it doesn't feel forced or sudden. The moment where he quietly holds Milly's hand is powerful precisely because of its restraint. That silent gesture speaks volumes. It's a moment of emotional maturity and brotherly care that adds real depth to his character. The fact that he doesn't offer hollow words or try to fix the situation, but instead simply shows he's there, gives the scene emotional weight.

There's a line that reads: "...the big grown woman"—this phrase should have a comma: "...the big, grown woman." The pause implied by the comma helps to clarify the meaning and adds to the tone of reflection or sarcasm that's likely intended. Small punctuation corrections like this can subtly strengthen the writing.

One confusing point is the line "Tell them she's sorry." Since this is Milly's internal thought, it doesn't make sense for her to refer to herself in the third person. It breaks the emotional intimacy of the moment and creates unnecessary distance. A better phrasing would be: "Tell them I'm sorry." Keeping the perspective consistent with her internal voice is key to maintaining immersion.

On the other hand, the way the father's emotions are revealed—through his body language—is beautifully done. His care doesn't come through in flowery dialogue or dramatic declarations, but in small, observable actions. This is a smart and effective narrative technique. Showing rather than telling allows readers to draw their own emotional conclusions and trust the story's subtlety.

The line "Imagined if it was up to her" should be "Imagine if it was up to her." This is a tense issue that affects clarity. Since it's part of her inner thought or contemplation, using the correct verb form ensures that it reads smoothly and accurately.

The story's ending, with Milly being left alone, carries a strong sense of finality. It's not dramatic or overly tragic—it's quiet, reflective, and heavy with implication. The emotional arc is not tied up neatly, and that's a strength. It mirrors real life, where not everything has closure, but still leaves the reader with a sense of conclusion.

With a few corrections to formatting and tense, this section could stand as one of the strongest in the story.

Chapter 6: This chapter opens with some truly beautiful imagery that immediately draws the reader into Milly's emotional space. The descriptions are vivid and purposeful, establishing a tone of quiet longing and internal conflict. Even though Milly doesn't directly express how much she misses her family, the writing allows us to sense it through subtle cues, sensory detail, and the quiet ache in her observations. This restraint is commendable. It's a classic example of "show, don't tell" used effectively.

It's also important to note that Milly's regret over her past decisions is handled with maturity. She doesn't wallow, but she does reflect. Her acknowledgement of her own mistakes, without becoming self-pitying, gives her a strong emotional dimension. The narrative does a great job of showing that she doesn't disregard her own role in how things turned out. At the same time, it's equally clear that many of the circumstances she faced were out of her control. The tension between her agency and her lack of choices creates a layered, believable character.

Her father's character continues to shine in this section. His care is consistent, gentle, and unwavering. It doesn't come across as overbearing or performative, which is often a risk in emotionally charged family dynamics. Instead, his love for Milly feels lived-in—something built over the years and still trying to reach her through the layers of resentment and misunderstanding. That said, in the beginning of this chapter, Milly's attitude towards her parents, especially her father, borders on unnecessarily mean. While it's understandable that she feels defensive or ashamed, the bitterness with which she speaks or thinks about them could use a bit more internal conflict to ground it. Without some sense of self-awareness or remorse in the moment, her coldness comes off as disproportionate.

There's also a technical issue early on with the sentence: "Letting his pearly teeth shine." As it stands, this is a sentence fragment. It doesn't function grammatically on its own and feels incomplete. It would work better if it were tied to a complete action or sentence, such as: "He smiled, letting his pearly teeth shine." That slight rephrasing fixes the grammatical structure while preserving the image.

One weakness of this chapter is the amount of telling in certain parts. Rather than letting us see the nuances of Milly's thoughts and relationships through her interactions and inner monologue, the narration sometimes steps in too heavily to explain things. For instance, the sentence: "She wasn't into him messing up like she had done" is not only awkwardly phrased but also too direct and clunky. A more fluid, emotionally attuned version could be: "She wasn't going to let him screw up like she had—she knew where that road led." This version keeps the intent while enhancing the emotional clarity and rhythm of the sentence.

Milly's jealousy shows through in certain moments. If this is intentional, then it's well-executed. Jealousy is a complicated, often unspoken emotion that adds texture to her character. However, if it wasn't meant to be there, this part might need a second look. Her reactions, particularly when others receive care or praise, hint at unresolved insecurities—another facet that could be explored or clarified, depending on the author's intent.

Her behaviour towards Austin in this section could also use more nuance. While it's consistent with the emotional walls she's built, she comes across as unnecessarily rude, especially considering his continued efforts to support her. Austin has evolved from a distant, uncaring presence to someone who now genuinely seems invested in his sister's well-being. Her harshness risks undermining the believable, hard-earned bond they've been building. Perhaps adding an internal acknowledgment of her conflicting feelings—pride, guilt, gratitude—would soften the impact and add depth to her rudeness.

Bryan and Sage's backstories are another strong point. These characters are not just background fixtures—they come with context, motives, and emotional history. Their development makes the world feel broader and more grounded. They're not perfect, and they don't pretend to be, which makes them all the more compelling. Their presence provides important contrast and connection points for Milly's journey, and they feel like people who existed before the story began and will continue to exist after it ends.

The chapter concludes on a hopeful note, and this works very well. After so much emotional tension, it's refreshing to end with a sense of possibility. It doesn't tie everything up neatly or pretend that Milly's journey is complete, but it gives readers—and Milly herself—a sense that growth is possible, that healing is underway, and that not all is lost.

To summarize, this chapter is strong in emotional resonance, imagery, and character development. With a few adjustments—correcting sentence fragments, minimizing overt exposition, and refining Milly's tone in places—it can become an even more powerful piece. The story's emotional truth is already there. It just needs a bit more balance between what's shown and what's told, and a little polish on the finer details.

Chapter 7: This chapter opens with an engaging and well-paced start. The casual, easy-flowing conversations between Milly, Bryan, and Sage are refreshing and provide a much-needed breather from the emotional heaviness that has defined much of the previous content. It's great to see Milly finally receiving genuine support from those around her. The warmth and natural banter in their exchanges offer a new emotional texture to the story, one that feels earned and grounding. These interactions help deepen the reader's connection to the characters and remind us that healing often begins with small, everyday moments of kindness and normalcy.

The scene manages to balance humour and tension skilfully. You've done a great job layering Milly's increasing discomfort beneath the surface of the light-hearted dialogue. There's a subtle shift in her internal state that mirrors how people often mask deeper emotions with casual talk. This nuanced handling of tone allows the story to feel emotionally rich without becoming melodramatic. The "slice-of-life" atmosphere here is effective; it feels like we're simply observing a real moment between friends, but there's always something stirring underneath.

That said, there is a sentence that stands out as somewhat redundant: "Like her phone was literally still ringing." While not grammatically incorrect, the sentence feels unnecessary in the context of the moment. If her phone ringing is meant to symbolize distraction or stress, it could be expressed more cleanly. Otherwise, it risks sounding like filler. Consider either removing the sentence or rephrasing it in a way that contributes more directly to the tone or tension of the scene.

As the chapter transitions from casual banter to a more emotionally charged section, the tonal shift is handled smoothly. There's a sense that something deeper is beginning to surface—perhaps a confrontation with vulnerability or a step toward emotional honesty. This shift gives the scene depth without feeling forced. The dialogue remains natural, but the emotional stakes are raised, which maintains the reader's engagement while progressing the story meaningfully.

Milly's discomfort, though not spelled out directly, is palpable. You've given her enough space to feel human, caught between moments of levity and the weight of unresolved emotions. It's a delicate balance, and you've handled it well.

Overall, this part of the story succeeds in offering both relief and development. It brings in humour, highlights emotional support, and lays the groundwork for deeper character growth. With just a few small revisions for clarity and conciseness, this section could become one of the more memorable and resonant moments in the narrative.

This section continues to build the emotional core of the story in a subtle, well-paced way. The dialogue, particularly between Milly and the other characters, carries a quiet emotional charge while remaining conversational and believable. However, there are a few areas where the prose could benefit from minor edits to improve fluidity and clarity.

For example, the line "Who knows how long? Since he's back talking to my mom again," while understandable, could be tightened for a more natural rhythm. A rephrasing like: "Who knows how long?" she muttered, trying to sound casual. "Especially now that he's talking to my mom again," smooths out the pacing and better reflects a character trying to mask deeper feelings under a casual tone. Small changes like this make a significant difference in keeping the dialogue consistent with the character's emotional state.

Another sentence that needs attention is: "She doesn't know why she spoke it just came out." The lack of punctuation and clarity here breaks the flow. This should be split into two separate thoughts for better readability, such as: "She didn't even know why she said it. The words had just slipped out." This makes the moment feel more deliberate and emotionally authentic, rather than rushed or grammatically disjointed.

The sentence: "When Milly was ten she thought it was embarrassing but her heart beat with excitement," also requires some restructuring. Adding a comma after "ten" and "embarrassing" helps with clarity and rhythm: "When Milly was ten, she thought it was embarrassing, but her heart beat with excitement." These small grammatical corrections help ensure the reader doesn't stumble and can stay immersed in the scene.

On the positive side, there are some standout lines that carry real emotional weight. "I don't need years of friendship to care about someone" is one such line. It's simple, but it resonates powerfully. It speaks volumes about loyalty, vulnerability, and human connection in just a few words. Lines like this show the writer's ability to capture meaningful truths without being overly dramatic.

The character dynamics continue to evolve naturally, particularly Milly's internal tug-of-war between guardedness and vulnerability. This tension is well-executed, and it reflects realistic emotional growth. The way she begins to open up, even unintentionally, adds to her complexity.

The chapter closes on a suspenseful note that's both subtle and impactful. Rather than a dramatic cliff-hanger, it leaves the reader with just enough unease to anticipate what might come next. The quiet intensity of the ending works well, maintaining the story's grounded tone while still injecting a sense of narrative momentum.

Overall, this section is emotionally compelling and stylistically strong, with just a few grammatical tweaks needed to smooth out the prose. The character development feels honest, and the emotional beats land effectively.

Chapter 8: One of the recurring issues in this passage is incorrect word choice. A clear example is the line: "And me lashing out wasn't called for." Grammatically, this should be "my lashing out wasn't called for," as the possessive pronoun "my" properly modifies the gerund "lashing." Small adjustments like this help maintain the formal structure of the prose, even within internal monologue or casual dialogue.

Tense inconsistency also appears frequently throughout the text. For instance, in the line "It wasn't bad, but it didn't fix anything yet," the verb tenses shift confusingly. "Didn't fix" is in the past tense, but the use of "yet" implies an ongoing or present state. A cleaner and more consistent version would be: "It wasn't bad, but it still hadn't fixed anything." Ensuring that verb tense remains consistent within a sentence or thought is critical for maintaining clarity and narrative coherence.

Comma splices and run-on sentences are another concern. Take the sentence: "She was glad they had it, but at the same time, it didn't feel like a real apology." While technically readable, the two ideas are distinct enough that they would be better expressed separately. Rewriting it as: "She was glad they had talked. Still, it didn't feel like a real apology," enhances the pacing and gives each idea space to land. Short, punchy sentences can often carry more emotional weight in reflective scenes.

Dialogue tags and attribution are occasionally missing or unclear, which disrupts the flow of dialogue. For example: "That stopped them mid-argument. Bryan's eyes widened, and Sage's brows shot up." As written, it's unclear what triggered this reaction. Adding a direct attribution, such as: "'You guys hooked up?' she asked. That stopped them mid-argument," would provide clear cause and effect, helping the reader follow the conversation more easily.

Some phrasing could also be clarified or tightened for impact. Consider: "Milly's stomach churned being the pregnant girl, even if it was theirs." This sentence is both vague and awkward. A revision like: "Milly's stomach churned—she hated being labelled 'the pregnant girl,' even if Bryan and Sage were the only ones who didn't judge her for it," retains the emotional content while significantly improving clarity and rhythm.

Redundancy appears in lines such as: "Her mom looked at her with a soft smile and tenderness." The phrase "soft smile" already conveys tenderness, so the additional noun is unnecessary. This could be edited down to: "Her mom gave her a soft, tender smile," or even just "Her mom gave her a soft smile," depending on how much emphasis you want to place on the moment.

Pronoun clarity also becomes an issue in some parts. For example: "She thought about asking if she could come back home, but her mom's earlier words still echoed." This leaves the reader guessing what those earlier words were. Clarifying the context—perhaps by repeating part of the previous dialogue—would strengthen the emotional continuity. A clearer version might be: "She thought about asking if she could come back home, but her mom's words about not being ready for that still echoed."

Finally, while the tone of the dialogue often feels authentic and emotionally grounded, grammar and punctuation can sometimes fall short. For example: "Yeah, we're best friends," Sage added, "like, he is hot and I am fine, but nah," could be revised for clarity without losing voice. A more polished version would be: "Yeah, we're best friends," Sage added. "I mean, he's hot and I'm cute, but no way." This preserves the casual tone while cleaning up the sentence structure and punctuation.

In sum, the passage has solid emotional grounding, especially in its portrayal of character dynamics and casual conversation. Still, a closer eye on tense, grammar, and sentence structure would elevate the writing's polish without sacrificing its heart or authenticity.

📚 Book Review Scorecard

a. Appeal (Cover + Title) [10 points]

Title relevance and intrigue ( 1/3):

I am yet to see any relevance of the title to the story. As far as I can see, Milly certainly does not feel that this is the best decision of her life. I am sure that will be explained by the end. It is not commonly seen that a comma has been used in a title. This results in a lack of interest. The title fails to capture the interest of readers at a single glance. It could have been more memorable.

Cover design quality ( 2/3):

The cover is great. We can see a girl, and a lot of problems scattered around her. She looks distressed. The cover hints at the root issue of the story. However, it is not memorable. Nothing stands out on the cover. If we see it among a bunch of other stories, the cover is least likely to catch our interest.

Genre match (2/4):

The cover matches the genre. There is no issue with the cover. It is just that the title does not look very relevant to me.

Total: ( 5/10)

b. Blurb [5 points]

Clarity and structure ( 1/2):

The structure of the blurb is correct. There are proper paragraph breaks. Grammatically, however, it has a few mistakes. I think there should be a comma beside 'This time' in the third paragraph. I liked the use of a colon and semicolon here. We don't see that much in Wattpad. Clarity-wise, it is easy to understand. The language is simple and easy to understand. The sentence 'With no parents, no father for her unborn child, and no place to call home' is not a complete, coherent sentence. You can try writing it like this: 'With no parents, no father for her unborn child, and no place to call home, Milly is left with nothing. Now, she must find a way to survive in a world that despises her.'

Grabs interest ( 1/2):

From the very first line of the blurb, you catch one's interest. One sentence is a bit off, though. In the line, 'The people who should have supported her', instead of using the word 'should', I suggest going with 'suppose'. It doesn't sound accusatory anymore, it sounds like begrudging acceptance through the pain. The ending is well done, as it leaves us wanting to know what happens to Milly now.

Avoids spoilers or clichés ( 1/1):

What I like about the concept is that it does not romanticize the troubles of teen pregnancy. It is her journey of survival. There are extreme lows that go much beyond dating when a teen gets pregnant. There isn't any spoiler in the blurb either. It is adequately sprinkled with information as much as necessary for getting a reader hooked.

Total: ( 3/5)

c. Hook [5 points]

Opening strength ( 2/2):

I do not consider the prologue a chapter, more like an important snippet. I am going to consider the opening of the first chapter as the hook here. The start is quite emotional. I like the metaphoric use of the word 'drowning'. The teacher is very caring, and with every passing minute, we can see her compulsion and how she is holding up. It is an emotion-focused book, and we can see that from the very beginning. The score speaks for itself.

Raises questions or tension ( 1/2):

The opening, however, does not raise any questions. Tension is present, of course. We can see how Milly feels caged in her very familiar world. We can see her struggle. But we have no questions. We don't ask anything after a few paragraphs. Things are just happening. That doesn't make it any less interesting, as conversations are a very effective way to make readers keep reading. Also, not using a conversation on the very first line is another good thing. You gave us enough context before moving to the conversation.

Originality ( 0.5/1):

Now, a first chapter opening in a classroom is a very common troupe. It has been used many times. You put your own spike in it with her pregnancy. So, it is partly original.

Total: (3.5/5)

From this point on, things have already been discussed in detail. So, it is written in short.

d. Grammar and Spelling [20 points]

Spelling and punctuation accuracy (4/8):

This story needs a serious brush-up. I have labelled a lot of punctuation errors in the detailed chapter section. I suggest you read about the usage of punctuation marks from a good grammar book in detail. I did not notice many spelling errors. So, the score division is like 4/4 for spelling and 0/4 for punctuation.

Grammar consistency (1/6):

Again, this is another serious issue with the story. There are too many grammatical errors. It was not humanly possible for me to label every single one of them. Though I have tried to touch on every topic at least once. For example, run-on sentences, change of tenses, incorrect joining of clauses, etc. This story might have been published as a first draft. I say, you can check all the chapters multiple times. We can't really spot mistakes immediately after writing. This happens to the best of all writers as well. You can use Grammarly for spotting mistakes to an extent. You can also talk to an editor for helping you out. There are many available across many shops on Wattpad.

Readability ( 2/6):

I would be lying if I said the readability was next to none. Though your story had a lot of technical mistakes, we can read on thanks to your awesome plotline. Other than that, the grammar and punctuation errors are a huge hindrance to the story.

Total: (7/20)

e. Plot and Originality [20 points]

Story structure(4.5/6):

The story structure is mostly fine. It could help a bit by tightening the narrative. There was definitely a lot of clutter that did not contribute to the story in any way. However, it was not much. Everything was mostly to the point.

Plot coherence (3/5):

The plot is understandable and progresses well enough. The stakes are compelling. However, there are a few factual errors. If Milly's baby bump was barely showing during the test in the hospital, her clothes can't start getting short before her summer break. Again, she can't go on guessing other characters' exact thoughts.

Conflict and resolution (5/5):

This is the best part of the story. I love how absolutely realistic the entire story is. I haven't reached the resolution, but I hope it will do justice to Milly. Keep up the good work. I think the score speaks for itself.

Originality (2/4):

A teen pregnancy is not a first. But, not going down the fairy tale line and making everything work out in a matter of seconds is certainly very interesting. You took a common mishap of our society and gave it your own unique twists and turns. So, I would say that it is a job extremely well done.

Total: (14.5/20)

f. Engagement and Writing Style [10 points]

Voice and tone (1.5/4):

As I said numerous times, there are a lot of awkward sentences in the entire story. They decrease the readability of the story quite a bit. Your writing has a lot of potential, but it fails to deliver as much as it could. Your unique voice does not stick out. There is a lot of discrepancies throughout that I highlighted above.

Pacing (1.5/3):

This is mostly done well. However, there are some repetitions here and there. Same reactions, more or less the same dialogue with the same impact. Yet, it takes up a lot of footage. Imagine a movie stuck in the same action with varying backgrounds. That is exactly what is happening here. Otherwise, it's great.

Emotional impact or suspense (3/3):

This area is solid. There were a lot of suspenseful moments executed with perfection. Like her mom's entry in Chapter 7. We could feel the raw emotions of Milly through the screen. I need not go into deep details, as the score speaks for itself.

Total: (6/10)

g. Character Development [10 points]

Protagonist depth (2/4):

Now, Milly is a greatly shaped character. She has a lot of flaws that are not brushed over. She loses her head at drastic moments. However, I felt that she plays the victim card way to often. She was at fault for disobeying her mother. Nobody forced her to sleep with Jeremy. It was all her choice. She was blaming Jeremy completely at some point. Just like bullying is wrong, punching is wrong too. Mostly when Olivia hadn't even done as badly as the others. She needed to be out of trouble, yet she chose to fight. However, what I disliked was her unnecessarily rude attitude in the later chapters. To Bryan and Sage. Especially to Austin. So, even though she is a well-thought-out character, her over-the-top attitude fails to make her a likable character.

Supporting characters (1.5/3):

The supporting characters were much better. All of them were highly realistic. Mom, Dad, Austin, Jeremy, Bryan, and Sage – all of them do their job well. Only, I am confused why Austin had enmity with her in the first place. So much that he could go to lengths to punish her. This is not normal sibling behaviour. Also, it is kind of ridiculous how not a single student in school is shown to have any sympathy for her. This is not realistic. At least some students are not so cruel. Every bunch has a mixture of good and bad.

Dialogue (3/3):

There is no issue with dialogue except grammatical errors. They feel realistic and fit the characteristics of each character.

Total: (6.5/10)

h. World building [10 points]

Setting depth (2.5/4):

The story gives us a recognizable, grounded setting—school, workplace, home—but these environments are described mostly through action or emotion rather than sensory detail. While it's clear where scenes take place, the settings feel more like backdrops than immersive spaces. There's potential to deepen this by adding sights, sounds, textures, and atmosphere (e.g., the feel of the breakroom, the smell of the car, the noise level in the store).

Internal consistency (2/3):

The emotional logic and world rules remain mostly consistent. Characters behave in line with their personalities and experiences (e.g., Milly's mistrust of her mom is justified by their history). However, some character motivations (like Milly's dad showing up but not staying for the talk, or Bryan offering to help with serious things after joking) could be better explained to strengthen believability. Consistency in tone also wavers slightly—some serious scenes are followed by overly light ones without transition.

Cultural or historical layers (1.5/3):

There are subtle hints at generational cycles, class differences (rich Jeremy vs. struggling Milly), and the challenges of teen pregnancy. These are strong thematic elements, but they're not deeply explored in terms of community norms, societal pressures, or broader cultural dynamics. More reflection on how Milly's situation fits into the world around her (e.g., how the school or town views teen mothers, economic hardship, or toxic gender dynamics) could add richer layers.

Total: (6/10)

i. Personal Enjoyment [10 points]

Entertainment value (2/4):

Emotional engagement (3/3):

Re-read or recommend potential (2/3):

Total: (7/10)

I think it is all detailed enough for more clarification.

🧾 Final Score: (58.5/100)

Reviewer's Notes/Comments:
I must also add, please don't be disappointed with the score. We all have that one English teacher who never awards full grades even to the best writing. You have a great score here. Also, there are a lot of points to cover on 100, so there is a lot of deduction. Thank you so much for giving me a chance to review your book. I look forward to your work in the future.

With best regards,

Anea.