Reviewer: iburnrice

Client: Seong_Grace

Thank you for giving me the chance to review your story. I apologize in advance if any of what will be said comes off as rude or hurtful. It was never my intention ❤️

The title “The Rise of Blood and Moon” is beautiful, but misleading. What do I mean? It is true that the title hints at the genre of the story and prepares the reader for what is to come, but when you open up the book and start reading, the incidents overall don't match with the title. It's like a “what I ordered” vs “what I got” situation.

I'm also very concerned about the extra words written after the title; “Fiction Vampire & Warewolf”

Those could be placed in the blurb or not included at all.

On the other hand, the book cover is very gorgeous!

Though, I won't say it's fitting for the novel itself. After reading the first 5 chapters, instead of a sword, I was thinking there should be individuals ( two boys and a girl) under a blood moon. But that's just my thoughts.

Blurb - ⁴/⁵

The blurb is decent. The grammar is spot on and everything else looks good. Personally, I wouldn't click on the book just by reading this blurb. Why? Because it lacks information.

It only introduces us to the village, that too by only telling us the name. It also introduces the main character Elara, but it fails to hint at the “shadowed past” that was mentioned and also the ways by which there's a blur between “friends or foes”.

Who are these friends? We should at least be introduced to them. Not a full background introduction, eg descriptions of hair, eyes… but perhaps their name and relation to the plot a bit.

I mean, with the way the blurb was written, with Elara standing alone, how am I supposed to think she has friends or will face betrayal? Also, what is the past? 

Character depth could be improved. I also thought of adding more to the atmosphere and to straighten the story's flow by changing a few words. You don't have to do this for your book, it's just a suggestion.

Revised blurb;

In the remote and eerie village of Thornwood, the blood moon rises, casting an eerie glow and heralding a night of terror and revelation. When a series of gruesome murders shatters the tranquility, Elara, a young healer haunted by her past, must confront an ancient curse that ties her fate to a malevolent force. As the line between friend and foe blurs, even her closest allies, Ellen and Milo, may not be what they seem. Racing against the relentless ticking of time, Elara must unravel the village's darkest secrets before the blood moon sets, battling not only the curse but also her own inner demons.

“Under the blood moon, secrets awaken, and no one is safe.”

-

This should seamlessly integrate Ellen and Milo into the narrative, adding depth to Elara's relationships and the suspense of the story. I can't exactly cook up anything about her past since I have no idea, but you could easily insert the extra information yourself if you decide to take my suggestion.

Plot Creativity/Originality - ⁴/¹⁰

This is a key element to be discussed. How creative was your story's plot? How original was it? What emotions were invoked? Is there consistency?

When it comes to the originality, I would say the plot is fairly original. The concept of a highschool vampire novel is not new, nor is the concept of a haunted village or town. Reason why you could have incorporated exciting twists to make it better.

I've always said it myself, the fantasy genre is not a piece of cake. It involves some critical thinking…word building, this and that. It's not easy. And if stories in this genre are not properly thought out and presented, then the reader's enjoyment is not guaranteed.

There was little creativity here. I can sense that you have something perfectly planned out in your head for this book, but the presentation is poor. I kept swinging from this end to that. The plot is also not consistent in its fantasy setting. If we're in Thornwood, let's stay in Thornwood.

Don't throw us in Texas for a match just like that. Don't just have characters fly out to different countries just like that. I don't even know how exactly Elara is the said “healer” you mentioned in the blurb. 

Character Development - ⁵/¹⁰

The story had no character development whatsoever. So, I'll instead give you tips to help out since I don't have much to say.

When discussing about character development, I mostly look at these key things;

Consistency:
⚘ Are the characters’ actions and decisions consistent with their established traits and backstory?

Growth:
⚘ Do the characters evolve throughout the story? Is there a clear character arc showing their development?

Motivation:
⚘ Are the characters’ motivations clear and believable? Do their goals drive the plot forward?

Complexity:
⚘ Are the characters multidimensional with strengths, flaws, and unique traits?

Relationships:
⚘ How do the characters interact with each other? Do their relationships evolve and impact their development?

Emotional Impact:
⚘ Do the characters evoke strong emotions or connections with the reader

I hope these are helpful.

Grammar and Story Flow - ⁵/¹⁰

This is your weakest point! In the form, you informed me that the first two chapters were edited, and I thought so…

However, they aren't exactly fully edited.

I'd have you know that grammar plays a great role in helping with the overall story flow. There were several grammatical errors; spelling mistakes, missing punctuations etc

Let's take a paragraph from the prologue for example.

Original;

A teen aged young girl in her fourteens ran behind a rabbit which she thought she could catch it and pey it. Rabbit was cute, and it's fast running made it stuck in thorny bushes. Blood emitted from it's furs. The blood oddness and smell torches in her nose. She stood there watching the poor rabbit in pain groaning and grunting. She stepped forward mounting slowly towards it in the aim of helping it.  Eventually, a force of wind came in nowhere and rabbit got disappeared in seconds with leaves and dust sparkled in the air. The whooshing sound made her tremble. She closed her eyes till the dust settles in ground.

Below are the things I think should be improved;

Grammar and Syntax;
⚘ There are several grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that need correction.

Clarity and Flow;
⚘ Some sentences are unclear or awkwardly structured, which affects the readability.

Descriptive Language;
⚘  The imagery could be more vivid and engaging to draw the reader in.

Consistency:
⚘ Ensure consistent tense usage throughout the paragraph.

Revised;

A teenage girl, around fourteen years old, chased after a rabbit, hoping to catch and pet it. The rabbit, cute and swift, got stuck in a thorny bush, causing blood to seep from its fur. The odd smell of blood filled her nose. She stood there, watching the poor rabbit groan and grunt in pain. Slowly, she stepped forward, intending to help it. Suddenly, a gust of wind came out of nowhere, and the rabbit disappeared in an instant, leaving leaves and dust swirling in the air. The whooshing sound made her tremble. She closed her eyes until the dust settled on the ground.

That makes it a lot better and easy to read.

I won't lie, the story needs heavy editing. And fully!

I noticed that some parts of the chapters are edited and the others are left unedited. It was confusing. I felt like the story was being written by two people instead of one.

The story flows in a fast paced manner, with loopholes here and there. The loopholes are mainly you “telling” us what is happening instead of “showing” us what is happening.

In the prologue, we see this young girl, Elara, witnessing what is said to be a gruesome murder (the rabbit's unexpected demise) and then we see her jotting this down in her diary before going to bed. How did she get home? We don't know (this is another point to note)

Chapter one on the other hand begins with Elara running to school. As a reader, I couldn't tell when this scene was taking place. Was it after the rabbit incident? Years later? Nothing!

The entire chapter - apart from the 6 edited paragraphs - was a “tell” instead of “show” situation. What do I mean?

The beginning was ok, I won't lie, even though it felt a bit rushed. Elara's day. Starting with her running to school, and glancing on her parental figure (the mom) who had made pancakes for breakfast.

Even the description of Elara was…not properly written. I felt like you were trying to force us to believe she's beautiful. Take this sentence from the story for example;

She was not ugly but a pretty cute girl, while she walked to class, boys admired her with murders and whispers.

Let's forget the grammatical errors since I already informed you of that, and let's look at this. You don't have to “tell” us that she's pretty. You should “show” us instead.

Describe her hair, her facial features, something, anything!

We want to imagine Elara as if she is in front of us. Storytelling is all about our imagination. Give us the information and let our imaginations run wild!

My example;

Elara's beauty was both subtle and captivating. Her long, chestnut hair cascaded in soft waves down her back, catching the light with every step she took. Her eyes, a deep shade of emerald, held a quiet intensity that drew people in. Her skin was smooth and fair, with a natural glow that seemed to radiate warmth. As she walked through the hallways, her graceful movements and poised demeanor made her stand out effortlessly. The boys couldn't help but admire her, their whispers and glances a testament to her undeniable charm.

Even I would stare now if Elara was to pass by. Such a beauty, don't you think?

Moving on…

Milo and Ellen are introduced. Milo helped Elara remove the paper that was stuck in her hair. First, this scene is really weird. Papers flying in the classroom? Why? How?

Another scene where you were simply telling instead of showing. What were the children doing that led to this crazy mumbo jumbo?

I'd love to know. So Milo did the good deed, and this was how the conversation with him and Elara came about. But ma'am, Ellen?

“His friends who is tall and well builted pushed him past and walked to an empty seat on the last row.”

What an arrogant brute!

But, could you show us how well builted? Are his muscles bulging? Can we see his abs through the shirt? Does his face look like it was carefully sculpted by God? Show us!

I also have a problem with the dialogues. They're not very natural.

“I am Elara from Thornwood”

“Nice to meet you Elara”

“I am Milo Lockwood and that is my brother Ellen Lockwood we moved ot here from New York”

“Oh Nice! So where are you staying?”

“That's nice to be answered, we were also from Thornwood village and we had moved to city last month for our schooling”

No no!

How do we know who's talking? And what about a few facial expressions they might have made while having this conversation?

Also, Elara from Thornwood? Does this mean the children are currently not in Thornwood? The last speaker saying, “that's nice to be answered…” made me conclude that perhaps this current scene isn't playing out in Thornwood. We're somewhere else.

I'm sure anyone would feel that way, so we need details. And these details could be planted at the beginning of the chapter itself.

I could go on and on, but I'll stop here because I'm sure you've gotten my point.

The relationship of both Milo and Elara, and Ellen and Elara are rushed. I found it confusing that Milo felt so comfortable telling Elara, someone he met yesterday, that he was a vampire. And what was more shocking? Elara’s reception to this news. No screaming? Wide eye? Retreating in fear?

Just a “Cool, my ice cream is finished now.”

And even when Milo informed her that he and his brother had fallen in love with the same girl, she just said. “Cool, can I hear the backstory.”

Like what!!??

Give us a reaction! How did she feel?

Then, Milo tries to kiss her? Oh my! And we see some dude on crack attacking Elara for no damn reason?

We need answers.

Overall Enjoyment and Engagement - ⁴/¹⁰

The book was not very enjoyable. In fact, one could easily get bored after just reading chapter one and two. While the blurb promised us something huge, we got something different inside the book. Elara and the boy's relationship wasn't properly presented. Elara herself wasn't properly presented. We know absolutely nothing about this protagonist. Background? Nothing

Even her mother was only glanced upon. She wasn't introduced as abusive and clearly from one of Elara's notes in her journal, we see that Elara loves her mother. Then tell me why did she just suddenly travel to a different city and only left a note for her daughter? And tell me why Elara could not even text her mom after her plan to go watch sports with Ellen and Milo?

When reading, it's like our dear Elara is an orphan. There's no parent figure.

I re-read most paragraphs to try and get what exact thought you were trying to lay out. It was a very bumpy ride. It was even hard for me to tell what exactly the story was about, because clearly, it's nothing like the blurb said.

You need to focus on editing this book first. Before anything, I think you need to revise the plot itself. Then create a character sheet, a way to help you know more about the people you write about, their importance etc, so you can introduce them properly. You can easily find character sheets on Pinterest, or Reddit and other social media platforms.

Also work on your grammar, punctuations etc.

I believe in you and I trust that this story indeed has potential. It just needs a few adjustments.

You can do this!