Client: hannahconkle

Reviewer: lantea-

🌹》Title, Cover, & Blurb

The title is alright, however, it doesn’t really attract readers to the story. In the title, “new” should be capitalized. It also seems like “Squads” should be singular instead of plural. The cover is alright, it feels a little plain. I don’t think the rainbow ‘O’ was needed since the rainbow-colored gems were already on there. The subtitle is a little hard to read. The blurb introduces the story and the main character, however, it could do it better. The blurb doesn’t flow well and some of the phrasing used is odd. There are also spelling and grammar errors in the blurb. For example, “city” shouldn’t be capitalized in the blurb. Also, you have the last sentence as “Can The Rainbow Squads put a stop to these evil doers and save their home find out.” It should be “Can the Rainbow Squads put a stop to these evildoers and save their home? Find out.”

🌹》Plot

The plot needs to be clearer and more engaging. Why is the homeless lady deciding to give out the gems now? Why is Iris a threat to Lucifer? What is Lucifer’s plan? Why does he want to destroy Earth? The story is also very repetitive so far. It’s basically the same set-up each time one of the friends discovers they now have powers. Hannah notices they have a gem, they go with the friends who haven’t discovered their powers yet somewhere, a Shadow attacks, the friends transform and fight, the ones that know nothing so far think they can’t help, the voice tells them they can, they then transform, they’re the only way the squad can win, the squad wins, they decide to help fight. Try to mix it up and have some of them discover their powers differently. Also, the pacing feels very slow due to the repetitive nature of the plot. I’m confused about why they’re individually called “squad” (ex. Red Squad, Green Squad, etc.) and then the whole team is called “Rainbow Squads.” The team should just be “Rainbow Squad” and they individually shouldn’t be referred to as “squad.” Squad means a group of people so calling each of them “squad” makes no sense. Maybe call them “Red Gem,” “Green Gem,” etc. instead? Or name them after a gem that shares their color? Like Hannah could be “Ruby” and Jake could be “Emerald.” I also don’t understand how no one, other than Ed, has caught them transforming. They stand in the middle of the locations and yell “rainbow power action!” before transforming. They’ve also transformed in front of the villains. They’re not subtle about it at all. The exposition introduces the characters pretty well, however, it doesn’t introduce the world. Where exactly does this story take place? I know the city is Springfield, but where is Springfield? Is it in a real country or is it a made up one?

🌹》Characters

The characters could be introduced better. A lot of information about the characters is dumped on the readers at once. When Hannah goes to their lunch table, the readers immediately get a full description of every character. Spread out the descriptions and information so it’s not so overwhelming for the readers. All the information about the characters doesn’t need to be revealed all at once. The characters’ personalities are shown in the chapters a bit. Mostly the readers are simply told the characters’ personalities and the characters’ reasons for having that personality. Show it through their actions and dialogue instead. The characters need to be developed more because they seem very flat right now. You mention Ed is very smart and you say “‘He’s been valedictorian for three years straight.’” That doesn’t make sense though because valedictorian is used for graduation ceremonies. The valedictorian is the highest achieving student within the graduating class. Therefore, Ed couldn’t be valedictorian three years in a row.

🌹》Grammar/Spelling

There were a lot of spelling and grammar errors throughout the chapters.

You don’t need to put a comma at the end of dialogue that has punctuation.

For example, you have this part in chapter one:

“Like I care at all,!” He hissed.

It should be like this:

“Like I care at all!” He hissed.

🌹》Writing Style

The writing style needs a lot of work. The readers are constantly told what’s happening instead of being shown. For example, you tell the readers Hannah and her siblings weren’t happy moving to Springfield. Show they weren’t happy through their actions and dialogue instead. Maybe show them slowly bringing boxes inside. Have them comment on what they don’t like about the new house and what was better about the old one. A lot of the story is told in the style of “this happened, and then this, and this happened, then this” and it doesn’t draw readers in. Describe the characters actions and describe the fighting during the action scenes. As mentioned, when you describe the characters and provide information, don’t dump all of it on the readers at once. Spread it out and work it into the story. The scenery also wasn’t really described in the story.

A lot of the phrasing used is repetitive and some of it is hard to understand. You don’t need to repeat that Daniel is older than Hannah and Lilly is younger than Hannah all the time. The readers know that already, only remind the readers every so often. Also, for example in the second chapter, you have this sentence: “‘Hey Little sis, how was your day at school?’ Daniel asked his little sister.” You don’t need “his little sister” at the end of the dialogue tag. The readers already know Daniel is talking to Hannah since he addressed her in the dialogue.

The time skips in the story are very sudden and there’s no indication there’s going to be a change. For example, in the first chapter, you have them unpacking and then suddenly it’s a week later. Then later in the chapter, they’re at lunch and then suddenly Hannah is walking home from school. Put a fleuron (like ***) between the paragraphs so the readers know there’s a scene/time change.

Here’s what you have:

“Oh well nice to meet you all and I'm glad to be part of your group now. After dealing with some jerks in the hallway earlier I'm glad to meet some nice students in the school,” Hannah said gratefully then sat down and began eating her lunch along with her new friends.

After school Hannah was walking home alone as her older brother and little sister were staying at school for a little while because they wanted to join some clubs. As she was walking she saw an old woman who seemed to be begging for money. Seeing this Hanna realized that there were indeed some homeless people in such a nice city she'd read about before moving.

Here’s what it’d look like with the fleuron:

“Oh well nice to meet you all and I'm glad to be part of your group now. After dealing with some jerks in the hallway earlier I'm glad to meet some nice students in the school,” Hannah said gratefully then sat down and began eating her lunch along with her new friends.

***

After school Hannah was walking home alone as her older brother and little sister were staying at school for a little while because they wanted to join some clubs. As she was walking she saw an old woman who seemed to be begging for money. Seeing this Hanna realized that there were indeed some homeless people in such a nice city she'd read about before moving.

🌹》Enjoyment

The story wasn’t enjoyable and I wouldn’t read on. I wasn’t drawn into the story and there wasn’t anything to keep me interested. The plot wasn’t very clear and everything was simply told to the readers.

🌹》Overall

Overall, the story needs a lot of work. The plot needs to be thought-out and developed more. The plot isn’t very clear and it doesn’t draw the readers into the story. There are also quite a few things that don’t make sense in the story. The characters also need to be developed more. The characters are more than whatever dominant personality trait they were given. The story also needs an edit to fix the spelling and grammar errors as well as the phrasing used. Be sure to show the readers what’s happening with descriptions instead of simply telling them everything. Work descriptions and information into the narration and be careful not to dump it on the readers all at once. The characters were described in depth in the story, however, descriptions of the scenery were lacking. Also, keep a look out for repetitive phrasing used in the story. The time skips in the story need to be smoother so it’s not as jarring for the readers. Good luck with your story!