Reviewer: june_berrin

Client: sarangneh

Thank you so much for giving me the chance to review your story.

It was a great story, and I enjoyed it.

❥ Title/Cover: This is a beautiful cover and I love the colour scheme used, very suited to the title and sets the mood. But regarding the font, I don't think it is very visible, especially with the white outlining and some of the elements overlapping it. So I recommend that you use a different font or remove the white border and the elements covering it or make the title colour bolder so that it stands out, in a good way. I love the title and the meaning behind it makes the story seem interesting and mysterious.

❥ Blurb: I have nothing much to say in this part as there wasn't much content in the blurb. I recommend that you elaborate a bit more because your cover and title don't give a signal to the reader as to which genre or what kind of story is it, and the blurb also seeming mysterious would only chase away the reader. So I suggest that you write some more, maybe elaborate your lines, give the names of your characters and maybe add one or two parts from your story in the blurb or even a quote so that your blurb seems interesting and will entice the reader to read your story. But if you wish to keep it the same way then it is understandable as you are the author, then I would recommend making the blurb seem more poetic or have a rhyming scheme between the lines, otherwise, it would feel a bit confusing, especially the third line. So maybe rewrite the sentences or rearrange the lines or anything that would make it all seem like it is meant to be together and is part of a group.

Also, good job with the warning, I see that many authors tend to miss it but you have managed to stay out of it. Great job!

❥ Storyline: I love how the first chapter began, immediately giving reference to the title and setting down the mood. But I personally think the first line seems a bit weird to read. While it is grammatically correct, the sentence doesn't seem to give out the desired effect, maybe try rephrasing the sentences or using a better word replacement? The next issue I noticed is that the sentences are very long, making them seem muddled and confusing. Consider breaking it down into smaller sentences, which I think would help the sentences give out their meaning without getting mixed up with each other.

Reading along, there is beautiful imagery and I love how you wrote down the character's thoughts, giving us a small insight into what kind of person she is. The thesaurus used is perfect. That is not too much or too little, with a perfect balance in the middle and can use better common word replacements without disrupting the flow of the story or contradicting the meaning of the context. However, the way some of the sentences are structured could have been better, as the concept behind each sentence is very beautiful and has great potential if expressed well. I also feel like some of the sentences could have a poetic semblance to them, to make it feel more enticing to read. Also, try adding dialogue tags at the end of each dialogue, maybe a bit of action by the characters so that we get to be more familiar with them.

❥ Content: I would recommend increasing the chapter lengths, as some of it feels too small to be counted as one, especially the first chapter. This could be done by adding more details and merging chapters or so. Other than that, I love the lines you chose to end each chapter with, it acts a bit like a cliffhanger and is very effective in getting the readers to turn the pages, so good job on that.

❥ Characters: The characters are great with a bit of a cliche touch to them. The character dynamics between the parents and the MC reminds me of characters in comedy movies. But still, I think you need to give them a bit more detail so that they are more memorable and will stand out. But I love the connection you made with naming the MC Selene and how she also has a bond with the moon and how the story name is also in the same quota, it made it all feel very interconnected and I absolutely adore that detail in your story. Other than that, the character portrayal has room for improvement but it is still very good.

❥ Grammar and Vocabulary: I have noticed several mistakes in this section, so first let's tackle some minor issues, which in reality cannot be counted as one, but just for now I will start with them. When writing down a numerical quantity, instead of using the number symbols I recommend that you use the word format to express it to not to break the flow of reading.

Original: "It's been more than 2 hours..." [Chapter Two]

Edited: "It's been more than two hours..."

Next, try implementing the thumb rule by breaking down large paragraphs into smaller ones to increase coherency, also do the same with your sentences, as I have mentioned before, some of them are very long.

Dialogues should be written in separate paragraphs and not in between paragraphs to make it easier for the readers to identify the speaker and to make it more clear. Note that each dialogue should be a completely different paragraph unless it is the same character who is speaking.For example,"Selene!! Don't sleep, Selene.....open your eyes" "Selene! Oh my god...what did you do?....hello! Ambulance, there's an emergency...... The outer world started to cut off, my body felt like feather I was ready to leave everything behind.... everything went black.....

This is an excerpt I took from the first chapter, here not only the dialogues but several other changes could be made to improve it. So I will use it to point out several of your recurring mistakes.

First of all, here the dialogue of many characters is mixed with the inner thoughts of the main character. This causes a lot of confusion, so to fix it let's break it all down into separate lines as I have mentioned before:

"Selene!! Don't sleep, Selene.....open your eyes"

"Selene! Oh my god...what did you do?....hello! Ambulance, there's an emergency......

The outer world started to cut off, my body felt like feather I was ready to leave everything behind.... everything went black.....

Now, make the dialogues and inner thoughts seem more different. Since the story is in first-person narrative, it is written from the main character's point of view, so make sure to channel all inner thoughts and the story parts in normal font.

"Selene!! Don't sleep, Selene.....open your eyes"

"Selene! Oh my god...what did you do?....hello! Ambulance, there's an emergency......

The outer world started to cut off, my body felt like feather I was ready to leave everything behind.... everything went black.....

There are so many periods here that it makes the sentences look a bit off. So if you wish to use more than one period then use exactly three and if you wish to stop the sentence use one.

"Selene!! Don't sleep, Selene... open your eyes"

"Selene! Oh my god... what did you do?... Hello! Ambulance, there's an emergency.

The outer world started to cut off, and my body felt like feather I was ready to leave everything behind. Everything went black.

I have also broken down the sentences into two as the story is not like a dialogue so there would not be any trailing off unless it is the last sentence where there is more to say than what is written, then you can use three periods. Also, you forgot to add double quotes towards the end of one dialogue. A comma needs to be used joined with the word before it and should leave a space before the next word comes in.

Edited: "Selene!! Don't sleep, Selene. Open your eyes."

"Selene! Oh my god, what did you do? ... Hello! Ambulance, there's an emergency.

The outer world started to cut off, and my body felt like a feather. I was ready to leave everything behind. Everything went black.

Here, I made some more changes. I have punctuated the dialogues, which needs to be done before adding the double quotes. Added an article after 'like.' Capitalized the 'h' in Hello and so on. Kindly go through it.

Original: Next when I opened my eyes, I was surrounded by the white colored walls with hints of green everywhere, machines I cannot even count.

Edited: Next, when I opened my eyes, I was surrounded by white walls with hints of green everywhere—machines I cannot even count.

Corrections: I have added some punctuation and slightly modified the sentence.

Original: "What were you thinking,Selene. When we had enough of your childish behavior you opted for this kind of act to threaten us."

Edited: "What were you thinking, Selene? When we had enough of your childish behavior, you opted for this kind of act to threaten us."

Corrections: I have added and corrected some punctuation and slightly modified the sentence.

Also, remember to capitalize 'i' when you use it alone and keep in mind such minute errors which could easily be corrected by proofreading or by using Grammarly or Quilbot online.

❥ Reader's Enjoyment: As a reader, I find the story very enjoyable and has proper plot pacing that is neither too fast nor too slow. There is anticipation and a proper plot with a compelling promise of a great story to look forward to as a reader. So great job!

❥ Conclusion: The story is great and has a lot of potential. I enjoyed it. So, for some extra suggestions, the author needs to work on the grammar and punctuation, either hire an editor or use online editing sites I have already recommended. I like the idea and concept you have in mind behind each sentence but some of them fail to give out the desired effect due to weird sentence structuring and grammatical errors. Overall, I wish you luck and hope that my review has helped you better your story. Remember, I may have given you a lot of suggestions, but those are from my point of view, and as you may be aware, everyone has a different point of view, so please don't take any of these to heart. If I have hurt you with my words, then I apologize. I hope you have a great day.Best Wishes