Client: milkyzzzwayy

Reviewer: Kamila_DeRico

Title: 10/10

I love how you intertwined Oliver's Teddybear not only into the book cover but the title as well. It's unique to your plot as the bear itself appears in the book.

The title is short, relatively easy to remember and is connected to the plot of the book.

It doesn't only reflect Oliver's actual teddy bear but his personality as well. He's a cute, cheerful and optimistic person which in Jude's or the reader's eyes can be interpreted as him being a complete teddy bear.

Cover: 8/10

It is somewhat similar to the title as it shares the same idea; It's a teddy bear.

Furthermore, the font is bold and readable. However, the color dampens the readability a bit. The text also for the author's name is too small and cannot be read at all.

Also, although the font is bold, it may seem a bit too generic as it's a relatively popular and overused font. It's repeated throughout all the text on the cover, making it unexciting.

A little variety would do wonders.

Summary: 10/10

I really like your summary. It may be short but it does cover all aspects of what a good summary should cover.

It has the characters, the setup, conflict and stakes. It gives us just enough information to know what we're getting into by reading the book.

Plot: 10/10

The book has a simple plot. The romance between Jude and Oliver. It's short, uncomplicated and easy to grasp.

I love how you introduced themes that actually affect real life people into it, like Jude questioning his sexuality. I also like how you didn't sugarcoat Oliver's life as an homosexual—he faces challenges in his fictional world that he would if he crossed over to ours.

Not many books do this and I commend you for it.

Writing Style: 7/10

Your style of writing is pretty neat. It's engaging, readable and has a fairly consistent tone from start to finish.

There are, however, a few blunders I came across along the course of reading. The first being redundant sentences:

Casey scrunched his face. With his almost round face and a nose that got bigger as he scrunched his face more, he looked almost like a cartoon.

The word 'Face' is repeated too many times in a single paragraph—similar to the word 'Scrunched'. It's awkward and breaks the flow of the narration.

You could either rephrase the sentence in a way that the word is only used once or replace it with a word that is synonymous. Example:

Casey scrunched his face. With his almost round head and a nose that got bigger as he scrunched it more, he looked almost like a cartoon.

OR

Casey scrunched his face. He looked like a cartoon with an almost round head and a nose that seemed to get bigger every time he squeezed it.

Also, like the first example:

My Mom crossed her arms. With her slender arms, short height...

Again, the word 'arms' is repeated in such a short space of time. The sentence could be rewritten or the word replaced with one synonymous with it.

This eliminates the problem of redundancy.

Also, Mom here should not be capitalized.

When using the word as a common noun. (e.g. my dad, my uncle), it is not capitalized. It should only be when it is used as a direct address for someone—a proper noun—such as: Mom said, Dad ran, etc.

Another small error I noticed was the constant joining of the words 'no' and 'one'

It is done this way every time it appears in the book. It should be 'no one' and not 'noone'

Furthermore: parenthesizing using brackets.

This is not inherently a bad thing. In fact, it is grammatically correct.

However, in the terms of writing worldly-wise, especially for an outside audience, em-dashes or commas tend to suit parentheses more than brackets.

He had come from upstairs to the kitchen (following Jayden, I guessed) to check on us.

Vs

He had come from upstairs to the kitchen—following Jayden, I guessed—to check on us.

Or

He had come from upstairs to the kitchen, following Jayden, I guessed, to check on us.

It's not that em-dashes and commas are better than brackets, it's that they make the work look a tad more professional.

I sighed inwardly, preparing myself for another one of his theatrics and smirked.

The way the sentence is written, it seems like the final words, 'and smirked' are a continuation of the last subordinate clause than the first independent one.

A comma should be added to clear up that mistake.

I sighed inwardly, preparing myself for another one of his theatrics, then smirked.

Characterization: 9/10

I love both Oliver and Jude's characters. They're relatable, true, believable and have issues that any human in our world most likely has.

I like how multidimensional they are—we're introduced to multiple versions of them that all contrast perfectly to create a fairly human character.

Jude might be the arrogant, over-confident track runner on the outside, but deep down, he has his problems. He struggles with the loss of someone close to him and has challenges discovering his true identity.

Oliver is a cute and optimistic character. But he's also levelheaded and quite brave for being able to live through the constant torment he receives from his pairs. I like how he's given a companion besides his friends—a teddy bear—whom he can pour out all the frustration he hides from his friends unto, almost like a personal therapist.

There are also little things here and there that make them all the more likeable. You've given us enough information about them in a way that doesn't feel too much or too little but has us rooting for them.

Great job!

However, Casey's character in particular is a bit inconsistent for me. The only reason I say this is due to the events that happened in chapter four, where the friends gathered to play this game 'Dare or Scare'

Casey knows that Jude and his friends usually bully Oliver, both in and outside school grounds. He should feel for him not only because they're friends but also because he himself gets insulted by the gang.

So, his reaction to Jude getting paired up with Oliver in the game is a bit unbelievable. He smirks, seemingly teasing Oliver on the situation, when in fact, he should be upset considering the fact that Oliver had complained about Jude to him just a few hours before the game.

He should be strongly advocating against Jude and Oliver's relationship, but he doesn't really seem to mind much, which might look unnatural to the readers.

I suggest giving him, at least, a slight reaction of disagreement to the two main characters being together.

But this is a subjective suggestion. It could be that you intentionally made Casey behave this way. If so, then do what you want to do.

Pacing: 9.5/10

The pacing was relatively okay throughout the book. None of the scenes dragged on or happened too fast. Information was released to the readers in consistent ways that doesn't overwhelm or underwhelm.

However, in chapter one, the conservation about fruit punch might've gone on for too long with nothing really important happening in between. It's a big problem as it's the first chapter and the first impression on the readers.

Maybe try cutting down that particular topic to a more considerable length than letting it drag on throughout the chapter.

Grammar: 6/10

For the most part, the grammar was okay and correct. However, I did find a noticeable amount of errors.

First off:

...but my ego had been bruised and couldn't let that slide.

A tiny error. An 'I' should be present in the midst of 'and' and 'couldn't'

"...all alone with noone to..." he tugged at his grey sweatshirt. "To help me."

I've talked about the issue of joining 'no' and 'one' together as a single word, but it's also about the punctuation in this sentence.

"...all alone with no one to..." he tugged at his grey sweatshirt, "...to help me."

The final 'to help me' is a continuation of the first sentence, so a comma should replace the period after the in-between narration.

"Only?" Casey said incredulously. "My life depends on the punch."

'Only' was used as a question in the sentence, therefore, it should be 'asked' and not 'said'

"Only?" Casey asked incredulously. "My life depends on the punch."

Exactly Casey's type though how he managed to bag Casey remained a mystery.

Nothing wrong with the sentence at first glance. However, a comma should be before and after the word, 'though'

Exactly Casey's type, though, how he managed to bag Casey remained a mystery.

"I told you you need to take an acting job at the theatre, drama boy."

A period should separate the sentences.

"I told you. You need to take an acting job at the theatre, drama boy."

"Sorry, Mom," I grabbed a buttered stuffed blueberry...

As an action follows the dialogue instead of a speech tag, the punctuation used should be a period and not a comma.

"Sorry, Mom." I grabbed a buttered stuffed blueberry...

Weekend tended to be very...

The sentence is not exactly grammatically incorrect. But it should be tweaked to make it flow better.

The weekend tended to be very...

But if it was not what you intended to write, another version could be:

Weekend tends to be very...

It could also be that you meant to write Weekends and not Weekend. Then if so, the corrected version should be:

Weekends tend to be very...

...but I didn't imagine they'dbe this soft.

'They'd' and 'be' should be separated.

...but I didn't imagine they'd be this soft.

There are other grammatical errors I couldn't write down due to the amount. For a suggestion, I recommend editing or running your work through a grammar checking app. This helps to reduce, considerably, the amount of errors present in your work.

Overall: 69.5/80

[The sum of all section's ratings]

It's a pretty entertaining read with moments that had me laughing out loud and judging the characters. It left me with a variety of emotions. The writing and grammar could definitely use more work in order to allow the book shine through.