"Do you think you'd ever be a soldier?"

(Y/N) looked at the boy beside her. His eyes caught the twinkling stars in the sky, and she gazed up at them as she entertained his question. She thought of how the stars stretched far beyond the walls, illuminating places she couldn't imagine in even her wildest fantasies. She wanted to see them all; she wanted to live among the wonders she had yet to experience.

"I don't know," She answered truthfully. "Would you?"

Klaus shook his head without a thought. "I'm not strong enough to be a soldier."

"You could be," (Y/N) tried.

"I don't want to be," He said. He looked at her with his pretty blue eyes. "You're strong enough, though. And you'd be a really good soldier, I think."

(Y/N) tried to imagine herself soaring high in the sky, the feeling of the wind in her face, the feeling of freedom. Side by side with the gods who were deemed humanity's strongest, bravest assets. She smiled, but Klaus suddenly looked very frightened.

"But you better not be a soldier!" He said hurriedly. "I don't want you to get hurt, or worse. It's dangerous outside the walls."

"It's dangerous inside them, too." (Y/N) leaned close to him and wiggled her little fingers, taking note of his apprehension. "We could die of boredom."

Klaus rolled his eyes, but he couldn't help but smile. (Y/N) stretched out across the grass and relaxed into the tree trunk. She knew he was watching her; he had a habit of staring while he tried to find the right things to say.

He quickly found his words. "You've got to promise, though, okay? Promise you won't be a soldier."

She turned her eyes upon him again. Klaus hadn't ever looked so desperate; never so scared — not even when they were playing and his father came home. (Y/N) tried to understand why he cared so much.

She couldn't remember what she told him that night.

As the years passed by, she watched her eldest brother go through training, relished in his stories until he graduated top of his training squad. (Y/N) was thrilled, for she knew Moritz would be returning home with tales from his expeditions, proof of what was outside of the walls, something to look forward to.

Moritz didn't join the Survey Corps as he intended. After talking with his parents, he agreed that he would retire his dream. He joined the Military Police.

(Y/N) decided at a very young age she would join the Scouts like her brother could not. She kept it hidden from Klaus, she kept it hidden from her parents. She thought only her eldest brother would understand, but when she told him, he asked her to reconsider.

"What about Fynn?" He'd said.

Their youngest brother was just three years old, but they already knew he was the very best parts of them. When he was born, (Y/N) finally understood what her mother meant when she said the world was both beautiful and cruel.

"I'm joining so Fynn won't have to." (Y/N) told him.

"And I joined so you wouldn't have to."

(Y/N) didn't know what he meant. He'd worked hard for three years just to hide away deeper in the walls. Just to leave her and their family behind in Shiganshina while he shook hands with the elite inside Stohess. (Y/N) couldn't understand. She was only eleven.

At thirteen, she finally told Klaus what she was planning. He begged her not to, just like her mother. When her father found out, he forbade it. (Y/N) didn't listen; she never listened.

Two weeks later, she enlisted in the Cadet Corps. She graduated third in her class by 839. She was one of the few of the 96th Cadet Corps to choose the Scout Regiment. Her parents were not proud. Her parents grieved her. She could not understand.

Klaus was the only one to congratulate her.

He'd gotten taller while (Y/N) trained. The heat brought out his freckles and tanned his skin, and his eyes glittered every time he looked at her. (Y/N) hadn't ever seen a shade of blue so beautiful.

"Third in the whole group!" He exclaimed. "That's awesome!"

"Yeah, so that means I'm good enough for you to not worry about me." She nudged his shoulder as they walked.

"It doesn't matter how good you are, (Y/N), I'm always going to worry," Klaus dragged his tattered shoes along the ground. He wouldn't meet her eyes. "You're my best friend."

Over time, her parents came to accept her decision, and pride replaced their sorrow. Fynn grew up and (Y/N) filled his head with the same stories Moritz told her when she was young. A stretch of green outside of the walls, a vast expanse of water that never ran out, no matter how much one drank, hills bigger than buildings that housed civilizations of people with big feet. Just like her, Fynn began to fantasize about the outside world, but (Y/N) always made him promise to stay right where he was.

"I'm your big sister," She told him. "It's up to me to do all the hard work."

And the work was hard.

So hard.

Expedition after expedition, returning with no good news and twice as many casualties every time. She couldn't count how many people died in front her, and how many times she had to let someone she cared about - trained with - get eaten alive so that she would not meet the same fate. It was horrific. It was maddening. Sometimes she forgot why she ever disregarded her mother when she begged her to stay idle.

But she'd look up at the sky, such a beautiful blue, and be reminded of Klaus, and how his eyes were richer. She'd think of Fynn and everything she promised him. She'd think of her parents and how they deserved better.

Life settled into a routine of hurt and hope, a feeling of nothing to a knowledge that there was something out there she had yet to reach. That there were people she loved waiting for her to reach it.

Shortly before a reconnaissance mission, Section Commander Erwin Smith brought three new soldiers from the underground. One was a girl no older than eighteen. Her name was Isabel Magnolia. With her was Furlan Church, who looked to be around (Y/N)'s age. He was far more level headed than Isabel, but not quite as calm as their apparent leader, Levi. He did not give a last name.

He was twenty-five when (Y/N) first met him. She did not fall in love right away. Then, her heart belonged to a boy safely tucked behind the walls.

"That's the guy Erwin was so sure about?" She remembered whispering to Miche. "He's a lot smaller than I imagined."

Miche didn't respond; he was often very quiet, but (Y/N) did manage to make him laugh through his nose. She always thought that counted for something.

They had to be appropriately trained before they were allowed out in the field. (Y/N) didn't think they'd learn everything they needed in time, but they did. Isabel treated it like a game, Furlan was a natural, Levi moved as if he'd been a Scout longer than even the most seasoned veteran.

All of that meant nothing when the Scouts packed up and left at dawn the next day.

It started out normally, then the sky went dark, the fog rolled in, and it started to pour. (Y/N) could hardly see her squad leader in front of her. He called out the command to stay close. (Y/N)'s heart raced and she tried to blink the rain out of her eyes.

They ran straight into titan territory. (Y/N) couldn't tell how many there were, but they took out two of her squadmates before she realized they were there. She called out for her captain, he told them to engage, and (Y/N) jumped into action.

She could hardly tell where she anchored. She didn't know where she was going until she was there. It was impossible to see and just as hard to focus as she heard the earsplitting screams and pleas of her comrades, as she was showered in their blood.

She sliced and cut and carved until all of the titans were dead. She collapsed in the mud and she struggled to catch her breath. She waited for someone to tell her to get up.

No one ever did.

An indefinite amount of time passed by. Perhaps minutes, maybe hours. All she could bring herself to do was stare at the blood around her. She could hardly tell what belonged to the titans and what belonged to her friends. What remained of her captain's body rested beside her.

When someone croaked out her name, she'd nearly forgotten where she was.

(Y/N) turned. It was the last remaining soldier she trained with in the 96th Cadet Corps. His name was Ansel Hase. He was twenty-one just like her. He was bleeding out.

She went to him without a clue, without a plan, and he begged her to save his life. When she couldn't, he begged her to put him out of his misery. She couldn't do that either. She didn't have the guts.

She sat with him as he died. She listened as he told her about the girl he wanted to marry back home. Her name was Lina. (Y/N) thought of Klaus.

Miche found her sometime later with what little remained of his squad. They retreated with no good news. Levi went back alone.

With the devastating defeat weighing down like boulders, the Scouts were allowed a short break. (Y/N) went to Shiganshina, where her mother waited for her on the front steps. When she saw (Y/N), she burst into tears and threw her arms around her.

Her father watched from the porch. Fynn burst outside through the front door. "Klaus!" He shouted. "She's back!"

That night, they ate the best meal her parents could provide them. She told stories, she ran around with Fynn, helped her father clean, and went on a walk in the pale moonlight with Klaus. It felt wrong to celebrate, but (Y/N) learned a long time ago that she was supposed to repress the feeling, for she had lived. She got to go home to the people she loved.

But Ansel Hase did not. Lina spent her night alone. And Levi was left to cope with the realization that he'd lost everything.

So when (Y/N) sat beside Klaus under their tree that night she told him for the hundredth time how wrong she felt.

And for the hundredth time, he told her, "It isn't your fault you survived. It's not your fault they died. You don't have to be sorry for something that's outside of your control, (Y/N). You're allowed to be happy."

It worked as it always did, just fine until she needed to hear it again. The break ended and (Y/N) was assigned to Erwin's squad, along with Levi, who decided to stay on.

Life fell back into its routine, dull, but acceptable. (Y/N) was content to fight for an ending she could not see, so long as she knew something was there.

She promised her little brother a blissful future, just like Moritz promised her. One where they did not live in fear of titans. One where they could spend weeks outside the walls without a single worry. One where she could abandon her anxieties of uncertainty and promise to spend a long life with Klaus.

She was going to reach it.

She was.