To have a clear conscious

Wang Yibo thought what it meant. He begun to journey back in time, a time with no regrets. The more he thought about it, the harder it became for him to pick and pluck. Now that he was thinking about it, he felt like his life was compilations of nothing but regrets.

How could that be so?

"Yibo? What's the matter?" Xiao Zhan shook the youngster next to him, who zoned out in the middle of their conversation.

"Maybe I always have too pure of an image of good people in my mind, that something other than that feels hypocrite to me." Wang Yibo opened his heart.

"Hm. When we are small, we really think the world is a wonderful place in peace." Xiao Zhan said looking at Fu Yao.

"You know Yibo, maybe you should lower the bar of 'good' in your heart? Even good people have their bad days, you know. And maybe that would ease your heart a bit?"

He pondered. If a person lied to him, that would make him lean to lie again. For him, the definition of once an evil, always an evil was most grounding. He could not simply shake it off.

But that didn't mean, he considered himself good. He thought of himself the biggest hypocrite of all, and maybe that's why, he still couldn't bring himself to look in the mirror and say that he loved himself.

"If I lower the bar of good people, would they even remain good?" it would be like lying to oneself.

"Hm you're right. But why must it be just black and white? We have so many colors in the world, why must we stick to these two alone?"

Maybe we should paint with the colors of sky, where the rainbow resides. Or with the droplets of the rain where pain hides.

It left him to ponder, he needed to figure it out. Maybe he should not categorize people like that? But how would he justify the people who did him wrong? And whom he did wrong? He was more than familiar with his own flaws, but he also believed that was a chain reaction of many events that happened in life.

Is the one who inflict pain is evil or the one who refuse to forgive?

"Zhan-ge, if I... If I never be able to look in the mirror, w-would you stop being by my side?"

Xiao Zhan looked at the youngster who mustered out those words. That alone told him about the inner turmoil the youngster was having. That was the moment, he felt a little connection between them. It felt like a memory.

"Do you want to hear a story?"

"A story?" Yibo looked at the elder. In all honestly, he was afraid of what the elder might give him as an answer, but at the same time, he believed in the goodness of other's heart. That was what made him sick to his stomach. Right now, he was taking advantage of the kindness, the other person was giving him.

But what could he offer him except his love? That's the most real and only thing he has.

"Yeah. There was a teenager once, who had everything the life had to offer." Xiao Zhan begun, his eyes glazing like the twinkles of the night, "His parents loved him. His sister was adorable and he had great friends."

More than the sum of coins, the foliage of feelings is precious.

"Then one day, he had nothing left."

"Huh?" Wang Yibo was certainly not ready for that twist ending.

"He was supposed to die along with his family and friends, the whole town was caught up in a tsunami. But he was the only one who survived."

Was it a miracle to start a new or mockery to live with lifelong remorse?

"He could have saved them; he could have called for help but he chose his life over the rest."

When the death is at the door way, all we want to do is, take another step.

"Isn't it natural to chose one's life over others?" Wang Yibo asked. He has witnessed the selfishness of human beings. No matter how close of the blood tie they share, no matter the 'it's for your own sake' kind of excuses they give.

Humans are simply selfish.

Xiao Zhan smiled and replied, "That's exactly it, Yibo. What you do and what you don't do, would regard nothing for others. So, it really doesn't matter what you're able to achieve or not to people. That's why, instead of worrying about if I would stay or not, you should worry about if you would take the courage again or not."

Though what Xiao Zhan said was true, it did make Wang Yibo a little sad. His selfish heart really was secretly hoping to be of value to the other. And it was also a constant reminder that he wasn't anything special. To Xiao Zhan, Wang Yibo was simply another person in need.

"Mn. I understand." He managed to say.

There was a brief silence and the cloud of gloom was floating on their heads the only rainbow of joy was the laughter of Fu Yao in the distance.

. . .

The car ride was silent as well, the person who was talking was Fu Yao.

"Gege, why you have nothing in your castle?" although she didn't mind that, it was good enough space to hold a ball there.

Xiao Zhan chuckled; the little dandelion was still wandering in her dream land.

"The emptiness helps me paint. The less clutter I have in the world, the free my mind runs on the canvass."

Even though Fu Yao didn't understand the big words, she gave her big thumbs up to show her support. Xiao Zhan could only smile at her adorable self. But that smile faltered when he heard Wang Yibo say,

"But you have a lot of clutter. You mind everyone's business." The words turn out bitter than he wanted to but none of what he said was false.

Maybe a little part of him was being petty but more than that, he realized that Xiao Zhan had stopped living for himself. Their whole journey of the day, proved through and through that he had made living for others his goal. When others are in pain, he's there for them. When they need help, he reaches out. But when he dies, it would be him alone and none of them could even take his place.

So, why doesn't he simply live for his sake?

His words were harsh but the dark days he lived were harsher, so, Xiao Zhan didn't think to correct him. What others chose to think about him was not his problem to deal with, but it did hurt him a little.

They were already in the parking lot of the rehabilitation center but before Xiao Zhan could get out and bring a wheel chair for Yibo, his phone started to ring.

"Ah! Sorry Yibo, do you mind?"

"Go ahead." Wang Yibo said with indifference.

Xiao Zhan stepped out of the car to take the phone call. Fu Yao, Wang Yibo and Mr. Dingle Peace were waiting for him in the car.

"Why is he taking so long?" Wang Yibo grumbled. Even though he meant what he said, he was a bit out of line and immediately started regretting it. If regrets like these swallows him, he would understand why Xiao Zhan wanted to live a life without regrets. So, he must apologize as well.

He finally had a real friend; it would be stupid of him to shun him away simply because he was too kind.

"I don't know." Fu Yao said. She tried to peek through the car window, but Zhan gege seemed to have gone a bit far.

"What does Mr. Dingle Peace say?" Wang Yibo needed a serious advice.

"He said we should check on him."

Truly the wisest.

"Alright, you go get my crutches from the back – no wait! Just get me that wheel chair." Wang Yibo said pointing in the south.

"Okay." Little Fu Yao ventured on her adventure.

. . .

The two soldiers were on duty of find their gege; who got lost in the path of life. Wang Yibo was wheeling the chair while Fu Yao was sitting on his lap. She was the pilot of their little automobile.

Zhan-gege doesn't have a lover, maybe his parents called him?

Or else why would it take him this long?

When their little vehicle passed a turn, the two riders had completely different reactions. Fu Yao was all giddy seeing her gege but Wang Yibo, he kept losing colors on his face.

Those two...

He would never mistake those faces; he would never forget those days. His Friends which he used to cherish the most, his friends whose betrayal hurt him the most, his friends who he despised the most, were standing next to Xiao Zhan.

Do they know each other?

Millions and Millions of questions begun to pond on his head. Each hit was hard like a nail being smashed into his skull.

His first thought was to get Xiao Zhan away from them. Because they were bad people. They were black people. He could not define them with any other color than that. They didn't deserve the rainbow he was going to paint.

But it felt like the whole bucket of blue was dumped on him, when he heard them say, 

"Mr. Wang sent the money for this week." 

Xiao Zhan was receiving money from them.

It struck too close the spiteful memory of his father giving them money for their 'services'. Suddenly his stomach felt the sour taste and he wanted to puke his guts out. He turned the wheel chair and disappeared.

. . .

The clouds were gathering around. The sunny day suddenly transitioned into the rainy one. But the storm was brewing on the both sides.

"Wang Yibo!" his yell startled many. They had never seen him angry like this. But that resulted in even more anger from the recipient.

"Xiao Zhan!" the kitten was no longer a helpless feline but a ferocious leopard.

"What's the meaning of this?"

"That's what I would like to ask you? What were you doing with those people?"

Xiao Zhan gritted his teeth, he dared to question him while he should be the one answering.

"Did my father bought you too? Is that why you were nice to me? Is that what it has all been about?"

If the first betrayal hurt him, then this was a whole new story. He felt the blood rushing in like the hot steam directly above his head. At the same, the smallest corner of his heart was breaking into the uncollectable crumbs.

"What about your mother huh? You begged her to buy my paintings? Do I look like a charity case to you?!"

Their voices louder than siege of thunder while their hearts delicate than the snowflake.

"You think you're so great! You help everyone left and right but you're just a damn coward! A fucking hypocrite!"

"And you're a shallow person who sold out his passion this easily!"

That was the worst birthday present he could ever get. 

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Sorry for errors and thank you for reading.