They Who Slaughtered Hope

By CrystalCallistral

Formerly called The Gunner and the Florist, They Who Slaughtered Hope is a steampunk dystopian story that explores the strength of love when it exists on two sides of a war...a sort of duality, in a way. I noticed many parallels between this story and Arcane which would be a good comp if you're not using it already. Right off the bat I appreciate so much that this is an LGBTQ story that doesn't shove queerness down the throats of its readers (I'm saying this as a bisexual person myself). While an increase in queer representation in media has been a good thing, even I've gotten tired of queer characters shoved into stories just to check a diversity box. But everything about the relationship in this story feels very natural. Your work reminds me a lot of   on Wattpad who has written lots of queer stories in a natural, unobtrusive way. I think the two of you should connect if you haven't already.

So this story has been rewritten (or is in the process of being rewritten). In both versions that I've read, I was super impressed with the world building and the sheer amount of hard work you put into the background of your dystopian world. It's extremely well developed and explores the dystopian genre in a fresh way. I like that you kept the inception of the war a mystery. And everything you came up with sounds really cool like the Crimson Syndicate and the Brotherhood, as well as your character's names. I love to see authors putting lots of thought into these details. Your world feels rough, lived-in, and tangible, and it's very much to the point where I felt like I could get lost in it quite easily.

While I was really impressed with the depth of your world building, I really struggled to follow the storyline in this particular version. I even found myself looking up the previous review I wrote for you to see if it would help me understand your story, kind of like using cliff notes or something. I feel as if in this new version you focused too much on fleshing out your world and you blurred the actual storyline in the process. You use a LOT of extremely vague sentences and I just feel like you're getting too caught up in the thematic phrases and leaving way too much up to subtext for this story to clearly communicate what's happening. I'm not saying you have to sit down and explain everything to the reader, but readers are going to struggle to continue reading if they can't figure out what is going on. I think the biggest issue I had was I couldn't pin down exactly what Red and Lennox were striving for...to me, they were just living in this world you built for them, trying to get to the next day. I'm not saying this story lacks drive, but I really struggled to figure out what that drive is, exactly.

I think this could be fixed fairly easily by looking for opportunities to communicate what Ren and Lennox's motivations are from the very beginning. For me, this version was a nice tour of the world you built, but I just feel like the story elements were buried beneath all the details of this future society. I understand what Ren has to do and how his fate ties in with Lennox's, but I really had to work hard to pick that out from the chapters, and I just feel like it takes way too long to get there.

Authors like Sol Stein recommend cutting the first chapter and starting with the second. They say not to "start at the beginning," but right in the thick of things. Maybe starting with the mission Ren failed, right in the middle of it and sticking with it until the inciting event where he learns he has to kill Lennox, would help. But if you feel as if the pacing is necessary the way it is, then keep it. You know your story best and how it should be told. I just personally found myself continuously losing the storyline throughout the slowly paced first few chapters.

This is a really awesome concept for a story though and it is, honestly, very good. Your readers seem really happy with how you've written it so far and I definitely agreed with the positive comments in your comment section. I do care quite a lot about Ren and Lennox and found your character work to be very strong. So keep up the good work. I think this story could be an indie darling once you're finished. I haven't researched presses in a long time, but I do think that GurtDog might like this one if they happen to be taking commissions. Perhaps check them out once you're done drafting?

Thanks for applying for a review, and sorry for the wait.

See you, space cowboy