Two weeks later

It had been two weeks, two very long weeks, since the Hunters had came and turned everything upside down. I had stayed in my house, not leaving, wandering the space that felt like nothing more than a stranger's residence as I healed from my well deserved punishment. The wounds still twinged, still pulled, still ached, but they were nearly completely healed. I hadn't liked that. I had wanted them to remain open and seething with pain. I wanted those white hot streaks of pain to continue to hammer my consciousness to remind me of what I had done, to remind me of the mistakes I had made that lead to where I was now.

Except they had healed, the ache was a dull one, not nearly as intense as I believed it should have been. I knew I had to live with it but I hadn't wanted to. I had wanted the continual reminder of how much of a horrible failure I was, how I wasn't strong enough, how I hadn't done enough to protect my girls, to protect Menza. The pain had been the best reminder but I had found that box of Menza's things. It had been shoved into the closet. I had opened it and there were all the things that proved what she had gone through.

The damaged phone, the dried, torn, and bloody shirt, the dirty onesie, the damaged diaper bag. I had taken to carefully going through each thing in that box and memorizing it. Each time I handled anything I pulled from the box my chest tightened and my stomach churned. There was so much pain inside of it, as if Menza and Maeve's trial of survival had sunk into the very fabric of the clothing and the items inside.

I lingered in that pain, memorizing the scent and feel of it, embedding it into my psyche so deep that I would never be without it. I knew every rip, tear, and stain on all the bits of clothing inside that box. Like the tiny little holes in the dirty onesie that made me think of thorns grabbing the fabric and tugging it out of place and the large ones like the rust coloured stain on Menza's torn shirt. She had bled so much.

It took a bit of time to dilute the blood enough to not be noticeable.

Getts' words echoed inside my head as I turned the shirt over in my hands. She must have been so scared. That was all I could think about. I knew Menza was a timid female, loud noises made her jump and new people made it nearly impossible for her to speak. But she had marched on, fought for not just her survival but Maeve's as well, and she had won. She had been sick and injured but she succeeded in keeping herself and Maeve alive.

I was so proud of her and so sick that she had to do that alone. Stenton had known, he had been asked by the Hunters and he had told them no. They could have been home, they could have been with me sooner but at the same time I didn't want them there, in Sublatus. It was too dangerous. But if I could have gone back, I would have ran to them, ran to them and took them, never looking back.

She thought I wanted her punished.

That thought made me sick and brought a heavy and hot lick of pain and shame tinged regret that I revelled in. I deserved the spiteful words, I deserved the pain and the regret and the shame. I deserved it all because it was all my fault. My fingers shook slightly as I rubbed the stiff fabric between my fingertips. I deserved the vitriol I felt aimed at me from some of the pack. I deserved the judgment that I felt radiating out of the Hunters who were still on the territory. I deserved it all and so much more.

I had failed her, so fucking badly. I should have taken her and Maeve and left the first time Regan put his fucking hands on her and Stenton refused to punish him. Hell, I should have taken them both and left when he had dumped Menza on me to begin with. I should have seen the action for what it was. Instead I hadn't. I had been naïve and trusted Stenton. I hated myself for that, that I had ever trusted him.

I swallowed hard as I gently set the shirt off to the side and pulled out the soft grey robe. I had been confused as to what it meant and had asked a Hunter for clarification and the male had rattled off what he knew about it, he mentioned there was a ritual for hemi-lykos to meet Mene and even though it terrified me that Menza had been brought to death's door to complete it, it helped me understand her more.

It helped me see that the sudden shift in the pack towards her had little to do with what happened, although that helped. Menza was more shifter than mundane, the ritual made sure of it. So all the people who had viewed her with disdain because she was prey, had shifted into the realization she was kin, shifter. So that was why there had been more males open to her, more females being kinder, people trying to protect her.

The jealousy that rose up when I thought about Nash and what Mike said and it cramped my stomach. It sent a bit of panic through me, a bit of wary hesitation. I didn't like thinking about the jealousy I got with the knowledge that the males wanted her. I didn't want to think about why I felt the way I did or think about Mike's words.

You liked her, Brochan. In a way a male likes a female like that.

The echoed words made my chest squeeze worse with anxiety. I didn't have the mental capacity to think about that amid everything else. I didn't have it in me to open up that seething cauldron of problems. I put down the robe, carefully folding it before I rubbed at my face, staring off into the empty living room. Boxes were piled in the corner and there was little in the room that hadn't been packed away. I had been packing up the house because I knew it would never be home again. I knew I would never bring Maeve back into the pack, never bring her near Stenton, I didn't even want to be near him.

The reminder of the male had my lip curling upwards in a silent snarl. He deserved death, I knew he did, but the Hunters and the Council refused to give him that end. I did know that he had been pissed to learn that the Council had modified his punishment, which gave me a strange sort of satisfaction. He tried to tell them it was against his rights and they responded that punishments needed to fit the crimes and his weak constitution wouldn't get him out of an appropriate punishment.

He hadn't liked that.

I had also heard he had been fined a total of just over a million dollars for the Omegas, interfering with a Hunter investigation, falsifying Hunter forms, restitution to Menza for what he did, and failing to report the illegal rogue attack. Which I knew was a massive dent in his finances. He hadn't liked that either and even though I knew a lot of the funds were going to help Menza in her new life, I still would have preferred he pay with nothing but his life.

As it was, William had been fined almost seven-hundred and fifty thousand for what he had done. Not that the money would ever appear. One couldn't get blood from a stone. Which I believed the Council knew so they were liquidating all of his assets and stated that once they had a total price on everything, the reminder of the total he owed would be turned into years in the Void. Which was apparently a supernatural prison system that the Hunters utilized. So he was going to get punished regardless but still.

As far as I knew with Regan was his corpse had been dumped in an unmarked grave. Not out of disrespect on the Hunters behalf but due to the fact the Hunters knew they couldn't stop the pack from desecrating his grave so they simply buried him somewhere no one would think to look with no markings to identify it. I was a little upset at that, part of me wanted to know so I could piss on his headstone but I figured that was the entire point of them being tight lipped about it.

I heaved out a sigh and rubbed the back of my hand, as I avoided looking at the items I had taken from the box. I felt raw, broken open and painful. I deserved it and I revelled in the pain, steeping in it as a self-imposed punishment to what I had done. It was so hard to look at the culmination of all my stupid mistakes for too long because in the back of my mind was the fact that Menza had suffered all of that, suffered horribly and had survived things that would have killed stronger shifters, and still fucking cared for me.

I wanted to see her, wanted to make sure she was getting the best possible care. I wanted her to let me know how she was feeling. I wanted to know if she was sick, if she was experiencing any pain, if she was alright. I wanted her to be here so I could watch her carefully, to try and make sure nothing bad would happen. But I couldn't allow myself that.

I winced at that.

I had used Menza as an emotional crutch. I wanted her there so I could reassure myself and so that she could reassure me that it was alright, that she was fine. I knew how bad that was now. I had used her to give me emotional stability. My emotions were her problem to deal with, something I didn't have to work through myself because she was there to do it for me. I didn't need to do anything. My grief for Chrissie had been dealt with by Menza, she was the one who did all the leg work in making sure I was okay, she made sure I was functioning and that my emotions were talked through. She took care of all my emotional needs and dealing with everything, a big part of me wanted her back to keep doing that.

I knew I couldn't have her and I knew I needed to deal with the emotions myself but the cowardly part of me didn't want to deal with the guilt, the shame, the regret. It wanted her there because she would soothe it all. Which made me feel even worse because Menza was not responsible for soothing the feelings that were on me due to my own stupidity and getting us to where we were. The feelings were my doing and were a direct result of serious trauma that had been done to her. It was wrong to want her to fix that because it wasn't her responsibility to calm my feelings over trauma I caused her. I had to do it myself and that cowardly part of me kept telling me it was too hard but I knew I didn't exactly have a choice.

Menza needed to heal from what happened and I needed to come to terms with it and she couldn't heal if she was helping me deal with it. Besides, she was far away by now. I had no clue where she had started out, where they had taken her and where she had ended up, which was a good thing. I didn't need to know anything, neither did anyone else. I knew that some of the males who liked her had been pestering her brother over it but the whelp was tight lipped and I doubted even he knew where she was.

I knew I was disrespectful to the current ranks when I saw them. I had nearly knocked Getts teeth out the few times I had seen him before the Hunters had pulled me off and tossed me into the pack jail to 'cool off', but Simon was downright vicious. I couldn't be anywhere close to him without the younger male trying to take a round out of me. I ended up avoiding him most of the time because I couldn't be bothered by fighting with him when Stenton and Getts were the real enemy.

I doubted anyone really cared all that much about my avoidance of him and how cowardly it seemed. The pack was falling apart. I knew the Hunters were attempting to facilitate the pack structure and reorder the ranks, trying to prevent a power vacuum but nearly a third of the pack had simply left, moving to stay with family in neighbouring packs or straight up transferring to new packs all together.

Mike and his female had left the day after the punishment. I knew they were in Vis but I also felt like I wasn't welcome in contacting him. He hadn't said as much but giving him time seemed the appropriate thing to do. My stomach churned as I remembered our last talk. He had said a lot of shit that I hadn't wanted to think about, putting it all right out in front of me to see. All the dark parts, the quiet parts I couldn't even admit to myself. Mike had cracked me down the middle with it.

I liked Menza in the way a male liked a female, in the way the other males liked her.

The thought tasted bitter on my tongue and I felt like I was betraying Chrissie, that I was doing something wrong in thinking like that so I hid from that as much as I hid from Simon. I couldn't face that revelation, I couldn't accept it. Not now. I had to focus on working through my emotions. I had to focus on praying to Mene that Menza and my precious Maeve were happy and cared for wherever it was they were. That was what I had to focus on.

There was a heavy knock on the door and I clenched my jaw and said nothing. Not that I needed to, the door opened regardless and the two Hunters that came in were stone faced along with a cold winter's wind. There was snow on the ground. It had snowed three days after Menza had left. "You got into it with Getts again." The words were filled with censure and I shrugged, rubbing at my knuckles as I remembered how they had connected with his face less than an hour ago. "You do understand that we are currently trying to facilitate the relationship between the ranks and the pack in order to maintain the established hierarchy to prevent-"

"A power vacuum that will render the pack impossible to work as a cohesive unit and result in the dissolution of pack ties." I muttered it out, perfectly matching each word he said. I was very much aware of the conversation and the reasons the Hunters were still crawling over the pack. I had heard this lecture more than enough. "Did it ever occur to you that perhaps the pack should be dissolved?" I threw a dark glance at them as I hunched my shoulders, ignoring the aching pull I felt from the marks on my back.

"Your personal feelings have no bearing on what is deemed right and correct." The Hunter's voice was a heavy crack. "We are here to-"

"Mitigate the issues that are caused by massive relocation and the loss of identity that many pack members face when packs are dissolved." I glanced over at them and the Hunter pinched his nose before pointing at me.

"Stop that." It was a heavy order and I sneered.

"What? I've heard this lecture more than enough." I turned my gaze back to the mantle above the fireplace that was never truly used. The house was cold and I never felt like I had enough energy to turn on the heat. I didn't particularly care if I was cold, I certainly felt like I deserved it.

"You need to stop being so aggressive with the ranks." The words were ones I had heard time and time again but I wasn't going to listen to it.

"Getts fucking deserves it and if Stenton was running around he would deserve it too." He did and when Stenton got his ass out of the fucking pack jail, he would deserve it. William was lucky he was locked in there permanently until the Council worked out how many years he would be tossed into the Void because I would have worked him over just as hard.

"Your attitude is making hostilities in the pack worse." The Hunter snapped it out and I knew they were growing tired with the repeated warnings and lectures they were giving me that resulted in absolutely nothing changing. I honestly wondered how long it would take before they tossed my ass out of the pack entirely.

"Him lying did that. Him fucking with the social order did that. I have a right to be pissed at him. Everyone does." I ground my teeth together, every fucking word he had said to me when I confronted him in the pack jail was burned into my brain. The male deserved far worse than a bruised jaw and a couple black eyes.

"You reinforcing the hostility is making it worse." At the words I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. That was the entire point. I wanted there to be hostility towards Getts and Stenton, I wanted enough of it that they would never again be respected. I wanted to make it as difficult as possible to ensure that they could never truly rule over the pack again. They didn't deserve it, they abused that power once and I knew they would do so again.

"He deserves it." He did and so did Stenton. People judged me, they looked at me with disdain and I deserved it but I made damn sure that they looked at Getts and Stenton just the same, if not with more vitriol.

"That is not for you to say." The Hunter snapped it out and I turned to look at him again. He looked more than agitated and I derived a bit of satisfaction from how irritated they were getting with me. "Enough. We aren't going to warn you again." With that he and the other Hunter turned and left the house, slamming the door behind them both.

After a few moments I stood up and moved over to the pile of empty boxes and grabbed one and headed over to the kitchen counter. I needed to continue to pack up what used to be my life. I had to sort through what needed to be kept and what I had to let go of. I picked up the note pads and the pencil holder that Chrissie had set out and gently placed it in the box.

I needed to stop dragging my past behind me, I had to learn to let go.