A week later

I carefully wrapped the plate in my hand with newspaper, setting it on the already wrapped set. The house was slowly being packed away. There were more full boxes than not. An entire life packed away. It felt like I was slowly closing the door on my life with Chrissie, that I was finally accepting that she was gone.

I glanced at the one picture of her I still had left on the wall. "I'm trying, sunshine." My voice cracked and I swallowed hard. The grief was... it was overwhelming at times and not just because of losing her. It was losing the comfort of what I knew that was hard and then the grief of what I had been too weak to stop that caused me to lose that small bit of life I had created after her.

I didn't want to think I had become obsessive over the situation with Menza but it was difficult not to think about it constantly. I thought about how she came into my life, how I first treated her, how I realized how horrible I had been, then how she had helped build me a life after Chrissie. I thought about the mistakes I had made, the points I could have stopped and said no more, everything leading up to that day. I had allowed that. I had been too weak to stop it.

That thought hurt.

Menza had carefully and gently helped create me a life outside of the loss I had. She had helped me mourn, helped me grieve, she was always right there beside me to make sure I was okay and that I and Maeve were taken care of. I remembered how I would force her to take breaks, how beautiful her laugh was, how wonderful her smile was.

Mike's words haunted me, that I liked her like a male likes a female and they were painful and I wanted to deny it but I was finding it harder and harder to do so. It was screaming at me in the quiet parts of the night and on the rare occasions where my head was silent. I knew I was going to have to come to a realization and an acceptance at some point but as I packed away the life Chrissie and I had lived together, it was just too painful.

It was worse when I thought back on that night. I had tried hard not too, even when she and Maeve had been lost. I had buried it deep down, refusing to think about it at all. Now it burbled up every so often, especially when it was dark out and the moon was at her highest. It would rise up and out of the depths like a spectre hell bent on haunting me. The memories of her soft skin, the gentle curves of her body, the cloud of curls she had spread out over the pillows of the bed, her warmth and flower scent. They haunted my nights much like the shame and guilt haunted my days.

I took to sleeping on the couch.

I couldn't lay in my bed, where we had done that, and not think about her and what had happened. Not just the sex but realizing my emotions afterwards was hard. Even though I had been neutral to the best of my ability. I hated that deep down I had a fear that perhaps Stenton had been right, that she was vindictive, that she was cruel, that she was spiteful. I knew it was normal to speculate, that I hadn't fallen into it but the idea that I had even entertained it by the barest measures made me feel sick.

Half of me wondered if that aspect, the want to believe Stenton, was simply my subconscious running scared because we had sex. If I coated myself in the anger, it was better than feeling like I betrayed Chrissie. If I had anger it would have been better than the terror that Menza and Maeve were lost, that the rogues had them, that they died. That it was better to hate Menza, to claim she created this elaborate plot to steal Maeve because at least then there was the hope that Maeve was safe, that Menza was alive.

It didn't make me feel any better about any of it, about the doubt that she had never deserved. Even if I never acted on it, I was shamed by it being there at all when it started.

The self-reflection I was dealing with, the ability to think without the panic of my females being hurt, was a double edged sword for me, one that had gutted me and was slowly being twisted to maximize the damage and the pain. Because the absolute truth was Menza was a kind, sweet, loyal female that I had allowed to be punished because I hadn't been strong enough to push it off. I hated myself for trusting Stenton, for being naïve that he wouldn't do what he had done.

As the Hunter had said, regardless of her breathing, she had died on that post, had been sent to Mene. I didn't know the details, didn't know if I even wanted to hear the details. That didn't matter, what mattered is the fact I hadn't protected her, I hadn't protected Maeve. I could have done so much more before that and there was nothing I could do to correct it. I wouldn't blame Menza if she never forgave me for what happened, a good chunk of the pack hadn't.

I knew that it was a very big possibility that I could never again spend the evenings with her, laughing and talking. That there was little chance of me walking into Maeve's room and seeing her and Menza cuddled up together before they smiled at me warmly. I had taken that half formed life Menza had helped build and with my naivety, my weakness, I let Stenton torch it.

I swallowed hard and grabbed another plate. I didn't like thinking about it. I really didn't. The world would be infinitely colder without Menza in it. It would be crueler and far less kind. Chrissie was my sunshine but Menza was warmth, she was the hearth of a home, she radiated a warm kindness that let you know you could relax, that everything would be alright. Without her...

I swallowed hard again and focussed intently on the plate I was wrapping with newspaper. I didn't want to think about that end. I didn't want to think about the possibility of the world being without Menza. It was already painful to realize that it was a very big possibility that Menza would no longer exist in my life, I didn't want to compound on that.

There was a heavy knock on the door that I ignored. The Hunters would come in without permission, they always did. When a pack was under Hunter observation as intently as Sublatus was, you didn't really get the option to tell them no. They would knock, as was polite, but they would enter anyway. It was to make sure 'all lawful processes were being adhered to' and that 'all laws were being followed in an appropriate manner'.

True to form, the door opened and I gently placed the wrapped plate on the stack. "I didn't hit him." I bit each word off but they were the truth. I hadn't stumbled across Getts at all in the past few days. I knew he must have been holed up with Stenton at his place. The bastard had been released from the pack jail a few days ago. He was fucking lucky I hadn't come across him because the urge to beat him to a pulp would be too large to ignore.

"That is not why we are here." One of the Hunters spoke and I raised an eyebrow before turning my head to look at them.

"I'm not doing anything illegal, as you can see." I gestured to the boxes and the wrapped up dishes I was working on. "Unless packing is illegal now." I couldn't help the bit of snark I had when it came to the Hunters on territory. We had...differences of opinion, especially when it came to Getts and Stenton. I believed the two should be free game to beat down, they disagreed. Which resulted in threats of jail time and verbal warnings to stay away from the two, Getts especially because I had been working over his face quite regularly.

The front Hunter crossed his arms over his chest, "You have been requested at the pack jail." The words had me giving a slow blink. I had been what?

"What?" There was no one there that I wanted to see. Unless they had locked up someone else the only person left in there was William and there was no way that rat bastard would have wanted to see me.

"You have full rights to deny the request but we are legally obligated to let you know of it." The words had me sneering slightly as I looked over the two officers.

"Who was it? Was it that little rat bastard bitching about his cinderblock walls?" I narrowed my eyes as I looked at the two of them and the one behind lowered his head, his mouth twitching like he was trying not to smirk or smile. I was glad I wasn't the only one who was amused by the male's new lot in life.

The first Officer let out a heavy sigh, his jaw twitching slightly. "Yes, it was William Etter." I knew it had been him but the confirmation wasn't anything I enjoyed. There was no reason the male needed to be requesting my presence at all.

"What did he want?" I couldn't help the sneer I gave. I didn't want to deal with the male, I hadn't wanted to deal with him after that he told me Menza wasn't under his protection if I was done with her. He was a pathetic male that I wanted nothing to do with. That vicious shame tightened on my gut, reminding me I was far lower than he ever was but I ignored it for the moment.

"He didn't say. He just requested you come see him." The Officer shifted on his booted feet and I glanced at the second officer.

"Will I get in trouble if I go and laugh at him?" That had him actually coughing, as if trying to hide a chuckle and I smirked.

"That isn't illegal." The first officer said it rather shortly and I paused. I looked over the dishes I had wrapped in newspaper that were ready to be put into boxes. I honestly didn't want to hear whatever half-insane drivel William would be sprouting off but a part of me was curious and if I wasn't going to get into trouble for laughing at him in his little cage then it was hard to say no. Even my wolf chuffed in amusement at the thought.

"Fine. Let me get my coat and boots." I moved away from the counter and moved towards where I had my coat tossed over the back of the sofa and the boots off to one side, laying where I had kicked them off last. It wasn't long before I had everything on and the Hunters and I were leaving the house.

The sunlight on the snow was almost too bright and the air nearly hurt my lungs but I didn't care. My wolf raised my temp, keeping me comfortable so that while the cold nipped at my exposed skin, it didn't hurt it too badly. We walked in silence and there was barely anyone around. It made sense, most people would be inside and those that had to be outside would be out doing patrols. Not to mention that more and more people were leaving. Most had left while Stenton was still locked up, not wanting to give him a chance to Command them that they weren't to leave, most didn't believe the witch's magic was strong enough to stop him.

I didn't blame them, my own throat was still tight, like phantom squeezing. I knew that they also had Stenton pegged, he had that much of an ego over everything. I couldn't fault them for wanting to leave either, it would be a bit hypocritical if I did. I wasn't going to stay. I would go to where Maeve was, and if Menza allowed, I would stay where she was.

I wanted to apologize to her, I knew the English language had over half a million words and I wanted to use as many of them as I could to apologize for what happened. I wanted to beg her for her forgiveness that I knew I was not guaranteed to get. I would deserve it if she didn't forgive me because what happened was unforgivable, it was horrible and all I could remember was I didn't have the fucking decency to count. I had begged Stenton to stop it but I hadn't even counted. I only knew because of the trials.

I gritted my teeth as my wolf whined, hunkered down inside me, trying to make himself smaller than he was. I wished I had that ability but I couldn't. I had to keep going, keep packing, keep making sure my escape from Sublatus was ready to be implemented. I didn't have time to curl up into a ball and cry over what happened, that fixed nothing. I had cried for what happened, I had been sick, I had to move on from that. I had to move on to trying to figure out how to ensure Menza understood just how sorry I was, how much I regretted it and how much shame it brought me. I wanted her to know just how much I wished I could take it back, how much I wished I hadn't failed her over and over and over again.

I shook my head slowly, shoving my hands into my pockets. I would apologize, I would do my very fucking best to make sure she knew I regretted it but I had to get over the first few hurdles. I had to finish packing up my house, my life with Chrissie, and then try to convince the Council to let me go to where Maeve and Menza were. I knew that would be a mountain to get over because they had not been happy with me, I didn't blame them but they were what stood between me and my daughter and my ability to, quite frankly, grovel to Menza about what happened. I deserved to drag myself through gravel and glass to make sure she understood how much I hated myself for it, how much shame I had.

We made it to the jail and the first officer opened the door and the second one walked in and I followed. The first officer followed me, the door closing behind him with a clank. "Over here." The second officer waved me forward and I followed him down that familiar hallway until we stopped in front of a cell. I grimaced at the smell of sweaty desperation that emanated off of the male sitting on the bench, nearly vibrating. "Etter, you have a visitor." The Officer nearly barked it out as he banged on the cell bars. William bolted to his feet, his hair was getting long and unkempt and his eyes were blood shot and wide. He looked half insane and it made me want to smirk at how far he had fallen.

The Officer nudged my arm and I glanced over at him, my expression smoothed out to not show my irritation. "If you need anything. I'll be out there." With that he turned and walked back to the front entrance.

"Brochan! You are here. Good, good!" William's voice was nearly pitched upwards with hysteria and I slowly turned my head to look at him. He was gripping the bars, his eyes wild before he let go with his right hand and seemed to try to smooth his unkempt hair back. I wondered if he had simply stopped grooming himself. I doubted the Hunters would have allowed him to go without bathing or even a hairbrush. "You can help. You can help me." He grabbed the bar again and pressed himself close. "Fifteen years, they said it could be fifteen years. Not good. Not good at all." I crossed my arms over my chest and raised an eyebrow as his eyes darted back and forth.

"But it can be fixed. We can fix it!" He seemed utterly mad as his gaze latched onto me before he reached through the bars, swiping at me. I backed up quickly, sneering slightly. "Bring me Minnie. Get me Minnie! She can fix this She can fix all of it. It can go back to how it was. You see?" His eyes were shining and I wondered if the month in the jail cell had made him that mental or if he had done that to himself by his rantings and ravings. "You just need to get her. Bring her here. She can fix it. She can tell them everything is okay and it will be." He blinked rapidly before once again trying to smooth his hair down and giving me a smile that seemed so brittle that it was surprising he was able to even make it.

"See, everything started to unravel, the edges of it fell apart, it started cracking, it started falling apart-" He inhaled deeply and I glanced down the hall but the officers weren't visible. William had really fallen far. Not that I particularly cared. "It all started when I gave her to you. I gave her to you and it all fell apart. I see it now. Mene must have been punishing me. She was a good female but I gave her away, I didn't fight for her, so Mene is punishing me. That's why Lisa left me because Mene told her to punish me. I gave Minnie away and Mene is punishing me!" He grabbed the bars and tried to shake them and I fought back a smirk at how utterly insane he looked and was sounding.

"I need her back! If you give her back. If you give her back to me everything will be fine. She will make sure they know that everything is okay." The words had me blinking, all amusement gone.

"What?" I stared at him and he nodded rapidly.

"Give Minnie back to me. If you give her back then Lisa will come back because Mene will stop punishing me. Everything will go back to how it was, before Minnie was gone. If you give her back then it will be okay." He gripped the bars tighter in his hands, his knuckles almost white and I blinked rapidly. "Simon will come back under my wing, my mate will come back, the Hunters will leave, and I won't have to go to the Void. I can stay here. With my family." The male was... he had gone off the fucking deep end. "Just give Minnie back and everything will be okay." He reached out for me again, straining against the bars but I stayed well out of his reach.

"Her name is Menza." I snapped it out and he barely registered that I spoke. Even after all this time he didn't get it. He didn't understand. He didn't have the ability to use her fucking name.

"Just give her back. Everything will be okay. Give her back. She will explain everything." He grunted as he reached out further, pressing his face into the bars. "Just give her back. You don't want her and she will stop the punishment. She will explain everything. It will go back to how it should be." Back to how it should be? I could only imagine how shitty her life had been underneath him. There was no way that was how things should be for Menza.

"I wouldn't give you a fucking house plant." I gritted the words out and his eyes grew wider, the whites showing so much it even made my wolf uneasy. The male was fucking insane.

"Give her back! Please, just give her back and everything will be okay!" His voice pitched upwards in hysteria and I shook my head.

"Fuck that." There was no way I was handing him anything, let alone Menza. He could sit in the jail and then the Void and fucking rot.

"Please! Please just give her back! Everything will be better if you just give her back!" He was nearly screeching before he started sobbing. I blinked at him slowly, wondering what the fuck he was doing as he collapsed on the floor of his cell. "I just want her back! I just want things to go back to how they were! I need her back!" He was blubbering, snot and tears on his face and I crouched down.

"And she needed a father. She needed to be loved. She needed to be taken care of. She needed to be given the worth that she deserved." I snapped each word off as I looked at him wailing on the floor of his cell. My wolf was wholly disgusted with his behaviour and I didn't blame him. It was pathetic, well below acceptable behaviour from anyone, not just a male.

"Gi-give h-her back to-to meeeee!" He reached through the bars, blubbering so badly it was hard to understand him.

"No. She deserved so much better than you." The words were a whip against me just as they were against him. She had deserved better than me. She deserved so much more than what I had given her but she had certainly deserved a better father than William. "She deserves to be more than an object in your possession, William. She can't fix this. No one can because you fucked this up. What you did and have done, caused this." I had a harsh lesson to learn that there were some things you just couldn't come back from. You would want to; you would want to take it all back but when you realized you couldn't you wanted to fix it but sometimes things were broken so badly you couldn't put it back together the same.

You had to learn to accept that. You had to learn to accept that sometimes you broke things too badly to be fixed properly.

"Give her back!" He screeched it out and I just shook my head. "Where are you going?" He early screamed it and scrambled to his feet, grabbing the bars. "Just give her back! You don't want her! Give her back to me!" I ignored him as I turned and walked away. He shook the bars, screeching at me to give her back before it moved to snapping and snarling and finally the sound of shifting where yowls and barking and howling was heard.

"Did you have to rile him up?" One of the officers asked it as he leaned against the front counter and I shrugged.

"The male did that all himself. He's fucking delusional." I shrugged again. I hadn't caused anything with the mess that was in that cell. The male did that himself and his delusional ass could whine and bark and scream and do whatever the fuck he wanted but I wouldn't do what he wanted.

"He started that a few weeks ago. The asking for her back." The other officer said it almost conversationally and I shoved my hands in my coat pockets, ignoring the noises echoing down the hall. "I just want to say. You do understand that she's a person, right?" He asked it and I narrowed my eyes and threw him a dark look.

"Yes, I understand she's a fucking person." I snapped it out before clenching my teeth, my jaw ticking.

"You sure?" The question had me letting loose as low growl of offence. The officer shrugged, "Just making sure. You old ways males treat females like trading cards. Passing them back and forth, making decisions for them, treating them like objects to be owned. I'm just clarifying that even if you wanted to give her back, she's a person and you have no say over what she does or where she goes because you can't own a person." Both officers were looking at me and I shook my head, my neck and shoulders tensing before I stalked over to the door and yanked it open.

I didn't want to hear any of their judgmental bullshit. They didn't understand a goddamn thing about how I felt with Menza. Not a single goddamn thing.

And neither do you.

The words floated through my head and I shook it harshly, trying to get it out. I didn't need that in my head at the moment.

I really didn't.