I was drunk but it certainly wasn't helping anything. My head was swimming, my focus was shot to shit, but I wasn't numb and I was still thinking. It had been five weeks since Menza and Maeve had disappeared after the attack. Another week had passed with me being barred from searching, another week of some the pack giving me looks after I had been Commanded to stop looking and all I had left at the moment were my thoughts and they weren't good.

All I felt in my drunken stupor was sadness and worry, I wanted the anger back, the anger at myself, at Stenton, at the whelp, at the world. I didn't want this sadness. The sadness at the fact I was missing my Maeve, that I was missing precious moments of her life and I was missing Menza, sweet Menza who made me smile and always told me it was okay to feel how I did.

At this point, as drunk as I was, I didn't even care that I had slept with her. That insidious voice hissed at me that she tried to seduce me but the alcohol numbed me to it. It had simply... happened. As I had told Stenon prior, what did someone expect when they put a pretty female with a single male? I hated myself for it but it made sense in some twisted fucked up way. We were all each other had, we sought comfort in each other. It wasn't right and I wasn't in the right head space but she had been drunk too. Too drunk to really plan anything.

I was hit by another wave of worry, a sick, stomach twisting worry that it had been so long since we had any sign, that longer they were gone the more I believed that they might not be coming back at all. My nightmares were getting more vivid. Menza running away from faceless rogues, attacked, brutalized, beaten. Images of her flailing in the river, struggling to stay afloat, sinking down under the water.

Jason said he thought she had been hurt. Like that the rogue hurt her.

The words haunted me. Worried me. Even though Jason couldn't tell me, had been Commanded to stay silent. The words he told others to get around it, haunted me. What if his view of that day was correct and he wasn't too distracted? What if the rogue had hurt Menza? What if she had been injured and then chased? What if she had been taken? What if, right now, she was being abused, hurt, or assaulted while I was stuck there, unable to help?

What if right now she was dead?

The thoughts made my stomach churn. Menza wasn't a strong female, she couldn't fight a shifter off, I doubted she could fight a mundane male off. If the rogues took her, if they had her, she couldn't survive that. I had always known that deep down. If the rogues had her, they would kill her and Maeve both. We could be searching for ghosts.

Then the idea of the river haunted my dreams. If she was chased by those two rogues and she went to the river and she went in to try and get away. She could have drowned, her and Maeve both. The thought made my wolf whine in anxiety and worry and I felt it deep down into my core, it saturated my bones with a form of panic I wasn't even able to recognize. The thought that they went into the river and never came out, that they drowned that day and I would never know. That their bodies were discarded or eaten by predators, not to be found by anyone. Bones carelessly tossed aside, never to rest together.

That tugging inside me urged me to get up, that it was okay but it wasn't. None of this was okay. My females were missing. My darling and precious Maeve and my... I swallowed hard as I stared out into the darkness. My Menza. My Menza was missing, that sweet, tender hearted female that always looked on the bright side of everything. She was gone.

I wanted the anger because the anger was better than this. This aching sort of panic at the thought that they were dead and there was nothing I could do to find them because Stenton had Commanded me, tied me so tightly to the pack I couldn't even tell anyone what he had done. I wanted to be angry, I wanted to feel that biting rage over the fact that Stenton had barred me from searching for them myself, that I had lost valuable time finding them and bringing them home.

I closed my eyes and exhaled long and slow, the dizziness I had from the alcohol swirling me around and around and around. I had no focus and my perspective was all fucked up but I had no one to talk to about it, no one that I could talk to about it. The pack was all over the board with what they thought and the males I trusted no longer trusted me because I stopped searching. I didn't want to get into any discussions about it, not when I couldn't tell them what happened, why I had to stop searching.

That insidious little voice hissed at me that the rogue had said he helped her, then Getts pretty much confirmed it. It told me that she had been upset after that night, she had been and pressure made people act in ways they might not have normally. That she never should have left the craft hall that day, there was no reason for her to. It was all bullshit, distractions. She finished the quilt, my quilt, the one she had stitched herself into along with Chrissie's clothes. She finished it but the whelp should have made her stay, he should have made her stay where it was safe and I could open my eyes and have her be there asking me if I needed some advil for my headache, that soft and sweet smile on her face.

But I couldn't. I couldn't have that like I couldn't have Maeve babbling at me when she woke up. Like I couldn't chase Menza around the yard and play tag with her or have picnics, or gossip about the stupidest shit. I couldn't have any of it because for some stupid reason the whelp took her home and now she was gone, her and my Maeve were gone.

That tugging inside me grew to an unbearable almost angry cramp, making it almost impossible to ignore. It told me I needed to listen, whispering at me with something that felt like irritation and agitation. It told me to tell the others to check the river merge, to do coordinate with the others to figure out how to get down there, to do something, anything. I tried hard to ignore it. No one was willing to listen to me, not since Stenton had Commanded me to spend my time training. There were no more meetings at my house. No one trusted me, not with that, not anymore.

That insidious little whisper started to tell me that Stenton had a point and that it was for the best and that Getts had never lied to me. Then the tugging started and it made my head feel fucking cramped.

I had to get out.

I shoved myself off the couch, setting my feet as everything swirled around inside me and the dizziness threatened to send me face first into the floor. I held my hands out, my one hand still clamped tightly around the neck of the bottle of bourbon I had been drinking. I staggered to the front door and left the house. I couldn't stand it in there, it was so quiet and it made the absence of Maeve and Menza that much more apparent. Menza was a quiet female bu her presence had it's own mark, one that was noticeable when it was gone. The house lost its warmth, as if Menza had been something similar to a hearth.

I staggered down the stairs, nearly falling in the process but I caught myself before I hit the ground. I took a heavy swig of the bourbon before I walked towards the trees. I wanted to search. I wanted to try and find them. I couldn't sit there any longer, I couldn't be alone with my thoughts, with the nightmares, with everything. I didn't know where I was going to go but I just wanted to get away from it all. The cold autumn air bit at me and I shrugged it all off as I followed the path. It was dark out and I knew no one but patrols would be out but I didn't care if anyone saw me like I was. They judged me enough already, I didn't care if they judged me more.

I wandered towards where the river cut through the territory. I wanted to search. I staggered, my head dizzy and my balance off. I just wanted to get out of my own head. I wanted theanger anger back. I wanted to wrap myself in the comfort it had because the other thoughts were too dark for me to even comprehend. I couldn't sit there and think about them being dead, them dying long ago, that their bones would be forever scattered and I would never see either of them again.

I blinked, taking another heavy pull from my nearly empty bottle. I looked through the tree tops to where the moon hung thin and sharp in the sky. Over a month without Maeve, of her growing and meeting milestones I would never get to see. It was so painful to think of. I loved that little female more than my own life and I was missing her. She wasn't within reach and it caused an aching hole in my chest that couldn't be filled unless she was back in my arms.

And then Menza, without her- I hit an invisible wall. My body swayed as I stood on the edge of the trail, looking towards the river. I tried to take another step but the constricting Command Stenton had placed on me, barring me from going to the river, kept me from moving forward. I bared my teeth and struggled, taking half a step as my body shook. It hurt, it was painful, like a ripping sensation that had me almost on my ass as the Command had my body jerking backwards.

"Fuck!" I shouted it, panting heavily, my eyes burning with tears. I tried it again and again and again. My breaths were coming in heaving gulps but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't move from the edge of the trail. I had to give up. I hung my head, feeling weak and utterly useless. Some words kept me from moving through the trees to look at the river or perhaps simply wading into it and letting myself drown.

I shook my head and wandered away, trying to bottle it all back up again. That burn in my eyes, the pain cracking down my chest, the shame of not being strong enough to break through the Command. After a few minutes realized I was standing in front of Chrissie's gravestone. My throat felt tight and I hit my knees.

"Oh sunshine." I choked the words out. I had failed. I failed my sunshine. Our Maeve was gone, missing, taken away. We couldn't find her. I couldn't find her. I had failed to protect her properly. I should have been there for them both and I wasn't. "I fucked up." I rubbed at my face as my eyes burned. "I fucked up so badly." I had. I had wanted Menza, I had found myself attracted to her and I let myself fall into that and now I was stuck where I was because of it. If I hadn't, if I had pulled my head out of my ass even afterwards, I would have been there to protect them both.

"I'm sorry." I wiped at my eyes and face before I took another heavy swallow of the alcohol that I wanted to numb me. "I slept with her. I shouldn't have but I did. I got drunk and I betrayed you." I had and I hated myself for that. Everything had been perfect before that night, everything had been fine. "You were all that I wanted, all that I needed and I betrayed you. Six months, sunshine." I gave a choked laugh as tears filled my eyes again and spilled down my cheeks. "I'm a horrible mate, a terrible father because I wanted to avoid her the next day and I did and now they're gone. All because I couldn't suck up my pride and be there to protect them when they needed me the most." I was. I had betrayed her and then my stupidity kept me away from them and because of it Menza was potentially hurt, her and Maeve taken, they could be dead.

"Our vows, the promises we made, were forever, not till death and I hate myself for breaking them. But losing Maeve... Not protecting her as I should have..." I let out a shuddering breath and finished the bottle of bourbon, setting it off to the side. "I wouldn't forgive me. I don't." I couldn't forgive myself for that, for not setting aside my pride and protecting my girls. I could forgive myself for kissing Menza, for touching her, for tasting her.

The memories swirled inside my head and I swallowed hard. I almost hated myself for that. For how my stomach clenched with the memories, of how much I wanted to do it again. I never should have wanted it to happen again. I should have learned from my mistake but instead I wanted to make it all over again. I could forgive myself that, I could forgive it, but not for not being there. The tugging inside me told me it was okay, that it was fine, that Menza was a sweet female and it was alright. I pushed it off, too shaky to deal with that as well as everything else.

I rubbed at my face and then barred my teeth as I let my hands fall into my lap. "It's all fucked up. It's all my fault. I should have been there. I should have been there to protect them. I'm sick with worry that she might be out there, injured or sick or dying. I'm terrified that maybe she died, that she was killed or she drowned or any other things that could have happened. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I won't want to think that I might have let them both die because of my stupid pride." I didn't. I wanted the feelings to go away and for it all to stop. I ran a hand through my hair, gritting my teeth. They felt like everything was tearing me apart inside, so many sides of me tearing into each other and I couldn't handle it.

I stared at Chrissie's gravestone and let out a shuddering breath. "What do I do?" I didn't know where to go from here. I didn't. I didn't know which way to fall, on which side I had to put my feet down on. Things were clashing inside of me and it made my head ache. "What do I do, sunshine? I can't help find them, I can't anymore." I whispered it before rubbing at my face and eyes. What did I do when I was bound so tightly by Commands?

"Perhaps not get drunk and end up in the graveyard talking to a rock that won't talk back. You would be better off in a temple talking to Mene." Jason's voice was even and I slowly turned to look at him. I blinked, his form was blurry but the more I blinked the more in focus he came. "You're a mess, man." He walked over and grabbed my arm, pulling me to my feet before he brushed my shirt off. "You should lay off the bourbon, yah?" He bent down and grabbed the empty bottle.

"You don't understand." I half slurred it out as I swayed on me feet and he shook his head.

"I know I don't, Brochan. And I know I can't understand it and I know we can't talk about it." He grabbed my shoulder. "But trust me when I say we're doing all we can to find them and bring them home." He gave my shoulder a squeeze and I looked at him before I swallowed thickly.

"I-" Can't look. The words stuck in my throat, choking me, making it hard to breathe as the Command forced my silence and Jason shook his head.

"I don't know what his end game is, Brochan." His voice was low as he squeezed my shoulder. "I don't but we're doing all we can, okay?" I understood what he was saying but it was just hard.

"How badly was she hurt?" The words burbled up and out of me and he stopped, looking at me intently. The silence grew and I felt uncomfortable. "How badly did he hurt her?" I had to ask him. I had to hear him tell me how bad it was. He had to tell me how bad off she had been. I needed to know the chances, needed to know if I would be brought back bones instead of living and breathing females.

Jason's jaw twitched. "I... I can't tell you anything, Brochan. You know how it is." He rubbed at his throat and I did. I understand that constricting feeling, the feeling of words getting stuck in your throat, choking you out until you stopped trying to speak.

"Are they dead?" I grabbed his shirt, pulling him close. "Do you think they are dead, just please... I need to know." I wanted to know and I wanted him to tell me. I wanted him to look at me and tell me that he didn't think they were.

Jason sighed, "I wouldn't be searching if I thought they were." The words were low but the relief almost had me staggering. "Let's get you back home." He muttered the words and I nodded, leaning on him as I staggered beside him. That tugging inside of me urged and pushed at me.

The river merge.

I blinked, my head swimming. "The river merge just... check down there." I swallowed thickly and Jason patted my back as he helped me walk back towards my house. They needed to check down there, just in case. They had to figure out a way around Stenton's Commands and check.

I wasn't sure how long it had been before Getts stepped out of the trees in front of us. "What are you doing, Jason?" The censure was clear in his voice and Jason gave a low growl.

"Taking him home. I found him in the graveyard." The words were clipped and I hung my head slightly, the nausea swirling around inside of me thickly.

"You know what you were told. You should have mindlinked me or Stenton." The way Getts said it had me lifting my head, my eyes narrowing slightly. They were really wanting to keep Jason and I apart. I was too drunk to think about why but I knew it wasn't good.

"Bother you this late at night? I was being nice. All I'm doing is getting him home, Getts." Jason's voice was low, filled with something like a warning that I knew Getts would ignore.

"Leave, Jason, before I get Stenton." It was clipped, forceful and Jason patted my back and let me go. I swayed as Getts took his spot beside me. I watched Jason's large back as he retreated. They really didn't want Jason and I to be alone, which even in my drunk mind meant we should probably spend more time together to try and figure shit out.

"Why can't I hang out with Jason?" The question burbled out of me and I grabbed Getts' collar tightly, pulling him towards me.

He grabbed my wrist, his expression twisting slightly. "Easy, Bro. You're drunk right now, let's get you home."

I narrowed my eyes, my stomach twisting and rolling inside me as I twisted my hand, leaning towards him, my face close to his. "I'm not fucking stupid, Getts." I gave a low growl, "You all keep thinking I'm stupid but I'm not." My wolf growled low, surfacing just to show his displeasure.

"No one called you stupid, Brochan. We all have your best interest at heart." His voice was sharp as his grip on my wrist tightened as he tried to pull my hand away from his collar. I refused to let go, my mind on what he had said with that rogue, his claims he had made. That he had scented Menza on them.

"If I find out you lied, Getts, if I find out that you've lied on the females of my house." I swallowed, baring my teeth. "I'll rip your throat out with my fucking teeth." I growled the words out, my eyes narrowed.

"Fucking take it easy, bro!" He tried to rear back but I held his collar tightly. "Why would I lie to you?"

I straightened, despite my head swirling and the nausea in my stomach. "I don't know, why would you, Getts? What would you gain from it?" He had gained something from it, I knew that much. They had a motive for it, I know it had something to do with Menza but I wasn't sure exactly what it was. Him and Stenton had always played their cards close to their chests.

"Nothing, I gain nothing!" He leaned away from me, a deep scowl on his face. "Do you think I would lie when it was your little female on the line?" The words burst from him and he pushed me off him slightly and I wobbled on my feet, my hands loosening on his shirt. "Mene, Brochan! I thought you knew me better than that. She is important to us, to this pack. I wouldn't do anything to make finding her harder than it needs to be." He spat the words out and I swallowed hard.

I gave a slurred chuckle that and Getts stared at me as I let his shirt go. "But not Menza?" He was talking about Maeve, about bringing her home, not about Menza. I knew he didn't like her, I expected that, but I was also drunk enough to call him out on it.

I watched as he seemed to steel himself and grabbed my shoulder, making me start to walk. "Of course not. You're too close to the problem. She was a big problem in the pack and if your little female hadn't been stolen, I would say good riddance to the bitch being gone." He gave another shrug before squeezing my shoulder as he guided me around a tree. I wanted to shake his grip off. False. They were all fucking false. "I told Stenton when he became Alpha that she needed to go. That she would cause nothing but problems with the Hunters."

"You should have heard some of the things the males were saying about her. I had to tell two males she was off limits because they wanted to court her. Can you believe that?" That caught my attention, drunk or not a feeling of possessiveness and jealousy rose up inside me so sharply, everything else was shoved right to the back of my mind.

"Who?" I wanted to know who had gone to the ranks about it. I wanted to know who had wanted what belonged to me. I wanted to know their names and their place in the pack. I wanted to know who I needed to lay out flat the next time I saw them. No one was allowed to covet Menza, not like that. Never like that. She was under my roof, underneath my protection. No one was allowed to be doing that.

"It doesn't matter now. But she was causing issues long before what she did to you." He gave a flippant gesture with his other hand and I fought back the dark feelings inside me that his words brought up, about how flippant he was about her being gone. "It's why I told Stenton to take care of her before all of this happened. Better a shallow grave in the forest and the Hunters being told she ran off rather than letting her continue to stay here." The words unsettled me in a deep way but I couldn't say why. The pieces were there but I cursed myself for being fucking drunk because I couldn't quite put it together. The pieces would have been easier to follow if I had been sober.

"She was polluting us and if she bred anything? It was wrong, Brochan. That is so wrong. The thought of more of those things running around? It makes me want to puke." He sneered. He fucking sneered and I focused on the expression. He really didn't like her, told me he wanted her dead.

I closed my eyes briefly before taking several deep inhales to try and calm my throbbing head and rolling stomach. When I opened them again I stepped closer to Getts as he rambled about how impure Menza was. I poked him in the chest, swaying slightly as my nail sharpened to a claw.

"If I find out..." I spoke low, clearly, so he could understand what I was saying. "That you lied about Menza, Getts..." I tapped his chest with the claw. "I will fucking split you open before I let my wolf take your throat." The threat was said low, almost like a whisper as I drew an invisible line down his front.

"Is that a threat?" He was bristling up, hackles raised, and I grinned, wide and sharp.

"No, Getts. Not a threat." I shook me head before I leaned closer, making sure I was meeting his gaze. "That was a fucking promise." I let the words linger for a few seconds. "Don't speak on the females of my house. I don't like it." I pulled back slightly, looking down at him. I could see his throat bobbing up and down as he swallowed hard. "I'm going to go home, to sleep. I hope you remember this chat, Getts." I gave a rather sloppy salute as I staggered backwards.

"Your life could very well depend on it." I turned, stumbling away as the ground wavered and pitched underneath me. I needed to get sober so I could think all of this through. Getts had admitted to some things that I had a feeling tied into Stenton's motives.

I was just too drunk right now to figure it out.