I stared down at my little Maeve as she slept in her crib. She looked so much like her mother, my beloved Chrissie, she was only seven weeks old but I could see my mate in her. It was her little nose and her big eyes that were a direct reflection of Chrissie when she had been young. There was only a little of me in her and I was both thankful and I cursed it at the same time. I wondered if it would have been easier if she looked more like me.

As it was, looking at her was bittersweet.

The loss of Chrissie was heavy ache that not even Maeve could chase away. I had listened to Chrissie pray and beg Mene to spare our baby, to spare our child. I had listened to her worries and her panicked thoughts that we would lose our pup before we could meet her, just like the other females in the pack. The more females there were that lost their babies, the more stressed she had become and the more she prayed.

I had done my best to calm her, to tell her all would be okay, that our little growing future would be fine, would be okay. In the end Mene had listened to us both. Maeve had been born early but healthy, perfectly formed and in perfect health.

She had taken my Chrissie in return.

The pack doctor said he didn't understand it. That the birth had gone smoothly and once Maeve was out, she started to hemorrhage aggressively and nothing he did was able to stop it. So my Chrissie had died on the birthing bed that she had brought Maeve to life on. Less than seven minutes was all it took to lose my female to Mene, to the goddess's fickleness. She gave us what we wanted but she enacted a price that felt far too steep to pay.

I lost my female, a hole was torn in my soul, and our precious little Maeve would grow up never knowing the bright and beautiful female that had loved her more than life itself.

I turned away from her crib, leaving the nursery. I wanted to be better for her, I did, but Chrissie had been everything to me. She had been my light, my moon, my very soul. I looked at the pictures on the walls, her bright smile was a torturous pain to bear witness to knowing I would never see it again but I still looked, still took it in even though it made the black hole inside me expand more, eating and chewing at my ribs and organs.

I was nothing without my female.

Nothing.

I found myself at the liquor cabinet and I pulled out a bottle of whiskey. It was half empty and warm but I didn't care as I pulled the cap off and drank deep. The burn was barely noticeable as I swallowed all I could. I wanted to drown out the pain, fill that aching hole in my chest with something that would at least numb the pain.

I loved my daughter, I did. Maeve was everything to me but it was so hard seeing my Chrissie in her and knowing that it was her or Chrissie and Chrissie was the one who passed. I would never blame her, never. I knew Chrissie would have chosen my little Maeve to survive. It was just hard to come to the realization my daughter had been born into a tragedy far bigger than her tiny little body.

I tried to do right by her, by my Chrissie, but the pain was so hard to deal with at times. It seemed endless and devouring. I knew if I lingered too long within it, it would eat me alive and leave me nothing but a shell. I was struggling to stay afloat, to not sink where I wished to go. My Maeve needed me more than I needed to wallow.

It was just hard. And every day it got harder.

I downed more of the bottle, closing my eyes at the alcohol that burned me. I staggered into the living room, sinking down onto the couch. I had been sleeping on it, unable to bear going into the bedroom my female and I had shared. The room smelled like her still and it was a brutal reminder that I would never again pull her into my arms and hold her close. I drank more and more, not stopping until my head felt both light and heavy, wobbling on my neck as a comforting numbness filled my limbs and chest.

My life imploded the day Chrissie died. I lost my female, the female I loved with my all, and I had been removed from my position. The loss of what I had fought for seemed like barely a blip on the radar of pain but it was still there. The schedule I had stuck to previous, the training I had pushed for, would have let me push everything away, to pretend that I wasn't cracked down the middle, but Alpha Stenton had pulled me from the position, telling me I had to take care of my little female and that I wasn't equipped to be Master-At-Arms as well as be a single father.

I hated him for that. Now all I could do was sit in the dark somberness of the house that had once held all the joy in the world. It was black and cloying and I couldn't leave. There was nothing I could do to escape the grief that was eating me alive. I loved my Maeve, I did, and I took care of her as best as I could but that didn't stop the pain of the loss from cutting into me as deeply as it did.

This house held strong echoes of my Chrissie. It was in how the notepads were stacked on the kitchen island, in how the decorative towels in the bathroom were folded. It was in the cat themed pen holder next to the notepads that I had grumbled over when she brought home but she grinned at whenever she saw. It was in the way she lined up her skin care products on her half of the bathroom sink. There were stamps of her presence everywhere, echoes that lingered even after she was gone.

They were both comforting in the familiarity and brutal in how they reminded me that she was never coming home again. She wouldn't walk through the door with another silly little craft she made at the craft hall or be waiting for me in the kitchen when I came home from my duties. She was gone, dead and buried, rotting in the ground. I would never hold her again, smile with her, take her hands in my own, and kiss her with all the love I had for her.

I swallowed hard and finished off the bottle of whiskey. My eyes were burning and I leaned my head against the back of the couch, sightlessly staring at the ceiling as a slide show of memories passed through my mind. Of meeting her, of mating her, of living with her. I remembered every single smile, wink, teasing word. I remembered her flaming red curls and her brilliant green eyes. I remembered her beauty and her grace and how I escorted her with pride because out of every male on the territory, she chose me. I was envied, I knew I was and I had been proud of that.

She had been a female not many could compare to. She had been as close to divinity as a female could be and now I was cursed to live out the rest of my life after tasting the slice of borrowed heaven. I didn't know how I could go on with that. She was everything to me and I regretted not showing that to her more often. I had spent so much of my time in my office, doing my duties as Master-At-Arms. It had seemed so important at the time.

It hadn't been.

Not then and not now. I didn't care what they did with the position. I wished for the security of the schedule, to try and lose myself in monotony, but the position didn't matter, it never did. Yet I had sat at that fucking desk and ignored the female I had loved. I had taken her for granted, she would always be there, always smile for me, always be waiting for me at the end of the day. I hadn't realized our time had been numbered, that her clock had been winding down the more she prayed to Mene to save our baby.

I rolled my head to look at the empty bottle of whiskey. I was so angry with myself. I should have spent more time with her, held her closer, held her tighter. I should have followed through with her silly little requests, should have set my work aside and said 'okay' rather than telling her 'another day' because another day wasn't ever going to come. Not now.

Not ever.

Someone knocked on the door and I blinked, frowning darkly. "Go away." The words came out slurred but I didn't care. I didn't want to be bothered. I wanted to sit in the dark of the house my female had helped me make into a home. I wanted to try and feel for her presence, one I knew was gone, but I still wanted to try. I wanted to pretend, just a bit longer that she was gone for the day, that she would walk through that door and bring the light back into my life.

I didn't want to deal with visitors.

There was a heavier knock on the door and I felt a drunken growl build up in my chest as I pushed off of the couch. My wolf was just as impressed and happy about the unexpected visitors as I was. He wanted to have his den left alone. He didn't want to deal with others so close to him and his pup while we mourned the female we loved.

I staggered to the door and yanked it open, baring my teeth. "Fuck. Off." The words were slurred but I bit them off. I didn't care who was there, I wanted them gone. I didn't want to deal with anyone

"I would rethink that attitude, Brochan." At Alpha Stenton's voice I sneered.

"I apologize, Alpha. Please leave my premises and don't come back." I sneered the words as I focussed on him, trying to see him through the blurring in my vision. It was swirling and there seemed to be double of him on my porch but I didn't care. Much like I didn't care about the disrespect. I wanted to be left alone

"You look like shit, Brochan." He pushed by me and I snarled at the intrusion. "This house is a fucking mess and so are you. All this over a fucking female? It's been nearly two months. Get over it." His words were cold and my wolf let out a snarl inside my head and I found myself throwing a hard punch that connected with him. I wasn't sure where I hit him, I was already seeing double but I knew I connected.

"Don't talk about her!" I snarled the words out and I was aware of others snarling and growling but I didn't care as the Alpha shoved me off but not before I got another heavy swing in on him.

"Pull your shit together, Brochan! We need that little female of yours." The words held a heavy order but all I did was crack my neck and lunge at him. I hit him around the waist and took him to the floor. I managed several good hits before I was pulled off him. "For fuck's sake!" His words were booming and I simply snarled at him again, barely feeling the grazing blow I took to my chin. "Let him go." At the words I tensed, bunching my muscles to get ready to launch at him once more.

I was faintly aware of some protests but I was released and I lunged again. He tripped me, sending me crashing to the floor and he soon had me pinned. "That's enough, Brochan. I have let you wallow enough. You aren't taking proper care of your female whelp and we need her." At the words I bared me teeth and growled, my wolf damn near frothing at the mouth at the disrespect shown to our little female. "You're going to submit and then you're going to allow us to send you help to take care of her and the house." The words rode out on a wave of dominance and I fought against it.

"Fuck you." I spit the words out and the pin turned into a choke hold.

"Submit!" He hissed it at me and I fought against him harder. I wasn't willing to submit. I didn't care. "If you don't submit we will take your whelp away and give her to another family so don't be fucking stupid." At the warning I struggled for a second before going limp, submitting to his dominance. "Good choice." He let me go and got off me. I lay on the floor, breathing hard, trying to stifle the growls that were still building in my chest.

"This place is a fucking mess. We will figure out what to do but you need to get over this shit, Brochan. It was just a female." The words were enough to make me want to get off the floor and start all over again but the warning he would take my daughter from me sill rung in my ears.

"Could send over some of the Omegas. They could help out." At Beta Getts voice I grimaced as I went up onto my hands and knees.

"Good idea. Now clean yourself up, Brochan. You look like shit." With the Alpha's parting words the front door closed and I was once again left alone to my thoughts. A faint cry came from the nursery and I groaned as I slowly got to my feet.

I had wanted to fight, to rail against Stenton but that little cry reminded me of why I couldn't. He could take her away from me and she was the last thing I had of Chrissie.

I couldn't ever let that go.