My head was practically throbbing as someone shook me awake and I groaned low in my throat. It was a pathetic sound but I couldn't even help myself. I felt horrible. The last time I felt even remotely like I was, was the last time I caught the flu and Simon had spent two days playing nurse but that had been years ago. My mouth felt cottony and I knew I would need to brush my teeth as they felt overly gritty.

"Menza." The voice was a low rumble and I gave another groan, curling up tighter.

"I am never drinking wine again." I mumbled it out, clamping my eyes closed tightly. The bit of light that was coming from wherever it was, was like someone was jamming a sharp needle through my eyelids and into retinas and straight to my brain. I was never going to drink again. I had always been allowed a glass or two of wine when Ellie had some but I had never drank that much before. I hated it. I did not like it and would not been having a repeat. The glowing and warm feeling I had gotten from the sweet, fruity wine would not tempt me if this was the outcome.

"Get up." Brochan's voice was a touch harsh and I inhaled sharply, sitting up quickly. It was still slightly dark out and I rubbed at my eyes, they felt blurry and my brain was fuzzy but I was aware I wasn't in my bed. I blinked rapidly as bits and pieces of awareness filtered into my pounding head.

Oh no.

I gave a shaky inhale and swallowed hard, feeling like I was going to throw up. Brochan and I had... I looked down and saw the familiar blue bed spread that I had cleaned for Brochan numerous times. Then I realized I was naked, completely naked. Brochan was sitting beside me, his form large and tense and I slowly lifted the blankets, covering myself, trying not to hyperventilate. I had been so stupid. I never should have done that. I should have said something, said no but when he kissed me it was like everything in my world felt right and I had been helpless to stop it.

"Menza." He shifted beside me and I waited for the blow up, the anger. What we had done was stupid and it never would have happened if I hadn't gotten the wine or if I had gone to bed earlier than I had. He let out a heavy breath. "This is a fucking mess." He muttered the wordsand I lowered my head, swallowing hard against the nausea rising up inside me. "Last night shouldn't have happened. It was a mistake." There was an edge to his voice and I gave a tiny nod. It hurt to hear it but I understood. It was a mistake, a stupid stupid mistake and my little crush, my little infatuation was my fault, the pain I got from hearing that was a my fault.

He reached out as if to touch me and then stopped. "You're my friend, Menza. One of the only ones I have. I never wanted this." He gestured between us and I nodded again, watching him through the corner of my eyes as I clutched the blanket to my chest, my head bowed still. "Shit. This is a fucking mess." The curse was nearly a hiss and I flinched, unable to help myself. I wanted to say something, anything, but my voice was gone as the tension in him ramped up that much more. "Chrissie has been dead for only six months." The raw way he said it had my chest squeezing so hard it was difficult for me to breathe. I had tread on territory that no one was supposed to and now I had to deal with the consequences of that mistake.

"Listen." His voice was firm, distant, and I tried hard not to flinch as he shifted on the bed. "This can never happen again. Ever." His voice was low and I nodded again, tightening my grip on the blanket. I felt embarrassed, I really did. "I don't have room in me for this. For any of this. Not now, not... ever/" He threw his arm out and I watched him scrub at his face roughly. "This never should have happened." He muttered it into his hands and I swallowed again.

"I never..." My heart beat over time and my voice wavered. "It wasn't my intention. I just...I just wanted it to be about remembering Chrissie. Cele-brating her." My voice shook and hitched and I curled inwards, closed my eyes I let out a shaky breath. My eyes burned with tears as he gave several muffled curses. I had only wanted to bring out the good memories, the happy ones. I wanted him to have a day where we could celebrate the female he loved and now I ruined everything.

He let out a rather explosive exhale. "I know what your intentions were." His tone was distant and I swallowed convulsively as my stomach rolled and rebelled. I had messed up so bad. He never took that type of tone with me. I was terrified he was going to send me away, I had become so comfortable I forgot my place. I was a burden, worthless. I went above my station. Well above. "We won't discuss this. Ever again. What happened, happened, but it will be buried and stay buried." The order in his voice was clear and I swallowed more, my stomach rebelling hard enough I wanted to gag even as I nodded.

"Chrissie is all I loved and will ever love. There is no room for this. I have my love for Chrissie, my love for my Maeve, and my duty to my pack. I have no more room for anything else. Understand?" His voice was harsh and I nodded again. "This will never be happening again, understand?" The harshness was worse and I gave a quick nod, my stomach heaving, my eyes burning, and my heart beating so fast it felt like it wanted to stumble. "I should have been thinking last night." The self-loathing he had was enough to have me lifting my head a fraction.

"It's my fault. I'm not used to drinking. I should have paced myself and held back." My voice shook so hard I was afraid my teeth would click together. There was so much I should have done differently, so much. I was at fault. I never should have acted above my station, above my place.

A thick silence fell and it took all I had not to fall into pieces as it stretched outwards longer and longer. "It's best if we don't have anymore alcohol in the house." His voice was tense and I nodded again, pressing my lips together. "I'm going to check on Maeve and then go to the bathroom. Please use that time to get out of my room." I gave another nod, my chest tightening and twisting almost violently. The dismissal hurt it was enough to have me clench my teeth together to keep from crying. I should have never wished above my station, never should have settled into that comfortable feeling. Females like me belonged where they did for a reason.

He moved on the bed and I closed my eyes tightly as I felt him get off the end of the bed. The door opened he seemed to pause. "You're my friend, Menza. I don't want that to change. It can't change, I won't let it." The words were strained and I gave another nod and the door closed. I waited a few moments before I slowly got out of the bed. I was sore, my muscles pulled and twinged and there was a definite throb between my legs. I winced slightly, holding on to the bed as I waited for my body to get accustomed to being upright for just a moment before I looked around and gathered my discarded clothes.

Shame saturated me and the feeling of humiliation and embarrassment rose up in me so quickly as I looked at my skirt. I balled my hand into a fist before I slowly moved to the door. I could hear the bathroom door close and I slowly slipped out of his room and quickly moved into mine, closing the door. My breathing was strained and I leaned against it, my eyes closed as I fought against the tears.

It was my fault. I knew what happened was wrong and I had no business being upset at the rejection. I knew he would feel like that. Simon's voice rose up in my head, his warning ringing between my ears clearly and it was almost enough to break me but I fought it down. I had to be stronger than that. I couldn't allow myself to wallow or be upset over something that happened. I had known what my little infatuation had been courting. I couldn't be upset that it happened.

I took a shaky but bolstering inhale before moving across my room and shoving my rumpled clothes into the dirty laundry hamper. Brochan had been nice to me but that didn't mean anything but the fact Brochan was an honourable and kind male. I had no right to be upset. He was above my station and he was right, what happened needed to be buried and stay buried. The thought of it nearly cracked me down the middle and I inhaled sharply.

"Stop it! You are acting foolish. Enough!" I hissed the words to myself, angry with myself as hot tears finally broke free and slid down my face. "What did you expect? Enough!" I whispered it as I angrily wiped away the tears. I had no one but myself to blame. I swallowed hard and closed my eyes, willing the pain to go away. I just needed to push it deep down where ever other disappointment in my life lingered and stayed. A part of me wanted to crumple under the fact I had so many of them, that it felt unfair to always be on the losing side. That shoving everything away and pretending everything was alright was going to crack me right down the middle. I told that part of me to shut up and deal with it.

I was a burden.

I was worthless.

I was lucky Brochan still wanted to be friends with me after last night. I was lucky he wasn't tossing me out for doing that to him, for stepping into a place I had no right to even look at. It didn't matter what happened and I shoved the memories of his large hands smoothing down my skin and the open mouthed kissed he had given me away sharply. There was no need to bring up what should stay buried in my psyche to never reappear.

I pinched my lips together and frowned, wiping at the tears again. I needed to put it away and never look at it again. It was hard though. My body ached and the twinge between my legs reminded me of how heated and desperate I felt last night, his mouth on my body and on mine. I shook my head, thumping my forehead with the heel of my hand as I bared my teeth.

"Enough." I hissed it out and blinked rapidly, trying to clear my mind. I wanted it blank, empty. I wanted to reset it for a moment so I could get my bearings.

There was a faint knock on my door. "The bathroom is free. You should... you should wash up." Brochan's voice was muffled through the door and I exhaled slowly, rubbing at my face hard as the shame and embarrassment rose up in me once more. I couldn't smell it but I knew I must have smelled like him and what we did. I swallowed against the sudden lump in my throat before I exhaled slowly, the exhale wavering more than I would have liked but I ignored it.

I grabbed one of my old towels from the hamper and wrapped it around myself before bracing myself and leaving my bedroom. The house was dark and quiet and I slipped into the bathroom, trying not to make any noise. I knew I had to fully wash. It would throw off my hair schedule but there was nothing I could do about it. The smell would cling to my hair and the last thing I wanted was for Simon to catch on to what happened. I knew that it would only spell trouble for Brochan and it had been a mistake. My heart hurt at the word but I shoved the feeling away.

It was a mistake.

I turned on the water and swallowed hard, closing my eyes. I could push through this. I always did. Even when it hurt.

Especially when it hurt.