I'm leaving it here. No ranting today. Share your thoughts, please. 😊

Comments/votes/shares are love.💗

Please, read the A/N at the end of the chapter.

Photo courtesy to the rightful owner. Unfortunately, I could not find the source.

Hope you enjoy the read!😊

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"...Would I be losing you, if I do
Or would you want me too?
What if I kissed you now
What if I do?"

- "What If I Kissed You Now" by Darin

*******************

Chapter-13

Timmy peeked though the wings for the umpteenth time. But of course the auditorium was kept dark as the dance troop performed, and that left him with no vision at all. He shook then cracked his fingers. Every nerve ending, tissues, veins felt frayed, as if someone was tugging at them constantly. Watching him right now, one would think he never had performed on a stage before. But the truth was far from it. Though not widely popular yet, their band had its own share of gigs, and stage fright was not something any of them had to go through anymore. No, the reason of Timmy’s anxiety was entirely different.

“He hasn’t come yet, has he?”

This was the first time he’d be performing in front of JingYu. True, he had sung for many days in that pub where JingYu watched him, but this was his element; this was the Timmy he wanted JingYu to see.

“He will come. He’s promised,” he answered Pip, still craning his neck to find a familiar face. Thinking for a moment, he sent out another text stating that their show was about to start.

“Come on, dude. Don’t just stand here like an idiot. You’ve asked him to directly come to the back stage, right? Then he’d be here. Now come on, we don’t have much time.”

He was dragged towards the room the organizers had set for them to keep their stuff.  He looked back one last time and went on with Pip. Like always, they needed to have a quiet moment together, only the four of them.

After a few minutes, they were setting their instruments up on the curtained stage, all ready to roll. The curtains parted and slid sideways, baring the stage open; a white spotlight was thrown on the middle where the microphone stand was. Timmy took a deep breath, trying to block out any and every thought, stepped under the light, held the mic stand with his right hand, looked up at the dim darkness in front.

“Hello everyone, good evening....”

XOXOXOX

JingYu was almost running now. Figuratively he was running since he woke up this morning, but now, the action was done literally. Sweat beads pooled around his shirt collar, dripping down, soaking his torso and back. He had so many plans for today: to take an early leave from his BJJ classes, go home, freshen up, dress up a bit, go to ZhouZhou’s show and if possible, meet him before his performance started. ZhouZhou didn’t forthright ask for the last thing but he had mumbled about wanting see JingYu before he went on stage, and that was enough motivation for JingYu to reach the venue early. But his luck decided to show him the middle finger today of all days. One of his instructors hurt himself seriously while training and he had to run to the hospital with him and a few others. Now he was running so that he could at least reach the fest before Timmy’s performance ended. He could not even began to imagine Timmy’s face if he did not show up tonight.

Ever since he had admitted his feelings to himself, it was like stepping into a new world. A dam was broken inside him, flooding him with all the emotions he had been suppressing. He could feel his craving for Timmy rapidly reaching a fever pitch, warping his mind. Maybe this was what they called crazily in love. Yes, he loved ZhouZhou. These past few days, after that nicotine patch incident, he had been self evaluating continuously and with honesty, and as a result he, now, could accept the fact that he was in love.

Timmy’s voice rained down on him like a cool, soothing waterfall once he got into the auditorium. As feared, he had missed his chance to see the performance from the beginning but at least Timmy was still on stage, still singing and that was his only consolation. He stood at the back of the hall, watching a different Timmy shining bright on the stage.

“.......Wash the sorrow from off my skin
And show me how to be whole again
‘Cause I’m only a crack in this castle of glass
Hardly anything there for you to see
For you to see.......”

With his black t-shirt, faded blue jeans, tousled hair, both of the hands holding the microphone on a stand, guitar dangling from the shoulder strap, the white light above making him look like a vision from a dream, he was glorious and oh so very sexy. JingYu felt the physical pull of needing  to be closer Timmy as he looked on. Some of the girls at the front was screaming like hell; a twinge of jealously fleeted through his mind. But he was too absorbed in the song, in the singer to focus on such frivolous thoughts.

The current song ended. The audience roared in support and the resulting huge smile on Timmy’s face made JingYu fall a bit harder. This was how he wanted to see his ZhouZhou, on stage, shining and smiling. At that moment he vowed to himself that he would do anything to keep the boy this way.

“This is our last song for tonight,” still smiling, Timmy informed the audience and surreptitiously looked at the wings. Then, dropped his head a bit, eyes closed, “And this is.....” he looked up again and straight ahead with a solemn face and said, “for you.”

JingYu’s heart stopped for a moment. It didn’t take a genius to know that gesture, those words were meant for exactly whom and he felt like running to the front and tell ZhouZhou that he was here, with him. He came. He kept his promise. But instead, he leaned on the wall behind him, hands tucked in his jeans pocket.

The music began. Timmy’s fingers started to roam over the strings for the intro, and then, he leaned forward,

“I had a dream the other night
About how we only got one life
Woke me up right after two
Stayed awake and stared at you
So I wouldn’t lose my mind....”

People were moving their hands with the beats, from left to right and so on. But JingYu had acquired a tunnel vision at the moment. There was only him and Timmy.

“And I had a week that came from hell
And yes I know that you could tell
But you’re like the net under ledge
When I go flying off the edge
You go flying off as well…
And if you only die once I wanna die with
You got something I need
In this world full of people there’s one killing me
If you only die once
I wanna die with you.....”

Maybe because of his tiredness and lowered inhibitions, JingYu found himself choking up with emotions and bit the knuckles of his fisted right hand. This was how ZhouZhou communicated. This was how he let JingYu know his emotions, his confession. This was their norm, to let the lyrics, the music express what their own words could not. And hearing those words was like another revelation to him. To be face to face with the truth that someone as ordinary as himself could be so important to someone as extraordinary as Timmy. And in spite of all his doubts, his practicality, he never felt more right to be with someone than he was feeling right now. With his ZhouZhou.

“I know we’re not the same
But I’m so damn glad that we made it
To this time, this time now....”

“Yes, me too,” JingYu murmured, swallowing the lump stuck in his throat.

“You got something I need
In this world full of people there’s one killing me
If you only die once
I wanna die with you.....”

Timmy took a step back, his guitar singing the tune now. Nimble fingers bringing on the final touches.

He leaned on the mic again. Eyes staring into the darkness.

“If we only die once I wanna die with you”

He paused, letting all the musical notes dim.

“If we only live once I wanna live with you.....”

Even after the song finished, JingYu could not move for a long moment. Just stood there, looking at the now curtained stage, but still seeing Timmy. Then, with a jolt he came to his senses, looked everywhere and bolted for the backstage.

XOXOXOX

As soon as they cleared out the stage, Timmy checked his phone and seeing the text he was out like a shot. He ran for the door that connected the back stage with the sitting area. The auditorium was abuzz, chaotic as Timmy began to look for a certain someone.

Someone grabbed and tugged him backwards. It was Pip.

“He texted me, he’s here. I need to-“

“Dude, he’s backstage, waiting for you.”

Timmy’s frantic movements stopped suddenly only to be increased by ten folds. But Pip was still holding him.

“I’ve asked him to wait in the room where we kept our stuff.”

“Yeah, okay,” Timmy nodded but his friend was yet to relinquish his grip.

“And absolutely no funny business, you hear me? We have a reputation here,” he hissed out.

“Yeah, yeah.”

And Timmy ran. The adrenalin surging through his vein kept him on a high. His ears were ringing with a static tone. The usual staccato of his heart beat felt like the thudding of drums. He banged open yjr door and there he was.

There was JingYu, eyes gradually coming to a halt on Timmy’s face.
He came, he was here and he was smiling and all of these were for Timmy.

Pushing to door close, taking a long stride, he flung himself to the man.

And crushed their mouths together.

It was not so much of a kiss in the strictest sense but getting to taste a part of Jingyu, to be able to stand this close, hugging his neck, savouring the flavour of those lips was everything he could ask for at the moment. All his emotions, passion, excitement, desires were concentrated on his own lips and he wanted to convey them to the other pair.

Suddenly the tip of a tongue touched his own and two hands hesitatingly rested on his waist. The sensation was so strong and abrupt that it pulled Timmy out of his trance. Eyes flew open and he saw JingYu’s half lidded eyes.

Heart still disconnected with his mind and driven solely by the instantaneous reflex, he shoved the body in front of him and staggered back, breaking the hold of JingYu’s arm.

Utter shock, horror, disbelieve coursed through him as he watched the same emotions fleeted over JingYu’s face.

Timmy opened and closed his mouth several times, not sure if any sound came out. JingYu, on the other hand, stood there like a figure made of stone.

“I....um....I didn’....I...” He tried. Tried to explain, tried to apologize, tried to say something...anything but nothing came. And watching JingYu’s face getting redder by every second did not help either.

There was a knock at the door and a voice, “Dude? We’re coming in.”

The gravity of the situation hit Timmy once more and his eyes locked with JingYu for one last time before his friends entered the room.

Seeing a stranger facing Timmy like that along with the palpable tension that filled the room, Liang and Zhen immediately ceased their garrulous chattering and looked between them. Pip was somewhat prepared for the scene and in order to shift the attention, he nodded at JingYu and smiled, “Hey, uh, did you like our performance?”

It was clear from the look on JingYu’s face that it took him a moment to grasp the question and he gave a jerky nod, “Ye-yeah, I did, yeah. It was- it was great, mmhm, good.” The customary smile that accompanied the answer was equally halting, confused and awkward.

Timmy closed his eyes in shame. His skin burned. He was the one that had put JingYu in such a situation.

“Um, I’ll be...going then, yeah. Um,” he nodded again, not clear to whom and added, “ bye.”

Timmy’s eyes were around the area of JingYu’s knees now, thus missing the questioning and a bit hopeful look the other man gave him before taking his leave. He stood there, staring at the space emptied by JingYu just now.

XOXOXOX

Something was happening but he had no idea what. When Timmy’s friend, that Pip fellow, caught him wandering and asked him to wait in that room his head was still fuzzy from the song and the emotions it invoked in him. Therefore, he could not process exactly what was going on when Timmy rushed at him and kissed him.

Kissed him.

Kissed.

They kissed.

With fingers that were not very stable JingYu touched his lips. He was outside now, standing at a dark corner beside the exit door.

But should it be called a mutual kiss? Because at first he was unable to wrap his mind around the unexpected outburst, and when he somehow got out of it and began to reciprocate Timmy pushed him away.

But why?

Why did he kiss me all on a sudden like that? And why did he react that way after? Did he think that I would not welcome it? But I tried to kiss him back, didn’t I? He must have felt that too.

Just thinking about it sent an electric spark throughout his body.

Maybe he became conscious of the surrounding; we were in public after all.

His mind consoled. The next moment it began to doubt again.

But what if it wasn’t something he wanted? But he knew when he kissed me, right? Was it.....what was it?

As he stood there, lost in thought, a silver Mercedes stopped to a halt on the road. A few minutes later, the door opened to reveal Timmy and his friends, coming out with all their instruments. Timmy was the last one to come out. As he passed by him, JingYu straightened up, about to approach the boy but that bowed head, furrowed brow, gloomy feature made him back away.

Finding that kind of expression on the younger boy’s face was a rare occurrence. True that Timmy was often grumpy and petulant but there was always an undercurrent of cheerfulness about him. The abruptness of the situation had thrown him on a loop, too, he was at the receiving end of it, after all. But if he could accept it, could even like it then, what made Timmy look so pissed?

Was it something I did? Because of me?

The car whooshed away and JingYu began to walk, mulling over different possibilities that ran through his head.

There was not any scope for him to muck up. He hardly had the chance to look at the boy before Timmy was on him. And the kiss was not itself a very good one, conventionally speaking. Just a mashing of two pair of lips. If JingYu set aside the emotional value of that kiss, there was no way he could have messed up a kiss that lasted less than half a minute.

He tried to smell his own breath by cupping both of his hands and breathing in it, but could not find anything unpleasant.

Maybe it was his friends, then? Maybe they made fun of him...Maybe...

He touched his lips again. They still tingled, as if the ghost pressure of Timmy’s lips were still there.  JingYu licked them, trying to feel a different taste and blushed brilliantly at his own action. He was also surprised by himself because not even once, during all this time, he thought about the fact that this was the first time he was kissed by a man, or wanted to kiss another man this desperately.

Timmy was much more than a man to him. Much more than a mere physicality. Without being aware of it, he had started to see his ZhouZhou as Love itself.

JingYu walked on lazily. He thought about sending a text to Timmy because there was still an uneasy feeling inside him whenever Timmy’s unhappy face popped into his mind. But what would he write? That, he really liked the kiss and was hoping for a repeat, so Timmy should text him back and say everything was okay?

Rolling his eyes, he sped up. Despite how the day started, it ended with a surprise. Seeing Timmy on stage like that, hearing those words, receiving that kiss- he could not have asked for a better day. He smiled biting his lip and looked at the night sky.

“Maybe I can dream again” he told the universe.

Then shook his head at his own silliness. He walked on with the smile still lingering on his face.

The phone chimed in his pocket. Text alert. With a suddenly increased heartbeat and great anticipation and of course, nervousness, he opened the message.

This was a mistake. I’m sorry. –ZZ

Everything froze.

Around him, inside him.

Completely. Entirely.

Then crashed down.

He read the text, reread it, blinked a few times, the read it again. The smile that had appeared on seeing the notification before, fading out of his face slowly. His lips formed soundless, meaningless words. His chest felt like bursting out and he realized that he had stopped breathing.

A mistake.

Sucking in a deep breath he thumbed those words on the screen.

A.......mistake?

What was the mistake? The kiss? The song? These past months?........Him?
Sorry?

What was he sorry for? For kissing him? For meeting him?

He frowned, then pulled up his eyebrows, wiped his face with one hand, and pressed the palm against his mouth.

He wanted to run to Timmy and ask what was the meaning of this, of everything. He wanted to just stand there and do nothing. He wanted to go home, curl into his bed and wake up from this nightmare. Because this was his nightmare, that someday Timmy would think everything was a mistake and change his mind. This very word was the reason he held onto his guards this long, not letting the boy in.

He stumbled forward with unsteady steps, as if drunk.

“Mistake? No, that cannot be. It’s been months he’s after me, there’s no way he would realize now that I’m a mistake. No no, there must be something else....must be,” he huffed out a wobbly laugh. “Nothing happened today, nothing that would make him change his mind. Nothing. Didn’t he sing that song for me? That was for me, wasn’t it?” He asked the night and received only silence for an answer.

Having lost any sense of direction and time, he kept walking; mind going back to those first days of their acquaintance. How he found the boy annoying, how averse he was to the idea of befriending someone four years junior than him. How Timmy gradually seeped into his life and made a permanent presence........how he fell for the boy.

And now, here he was. A mistake.
He stopped on his track.

“Maybe things happened reversed way for him. Maybe the way I gradually fell in, he gradually fell out.”

His emotions began to snowball.

Every little thing that highlighted their starkly different social and economical status began to pour in. He remembered how he thought Timmy’s shoes looked more expensive than his monthly salary. How the boy was acting uncertain when JingYu took him to that street food stall and later admitted that he was not habituated with eating at such places. Or how he offered to find JingYu a job through his father. He remembered the silver car that he saw earlier. He did not know if it was Timmy’s car or not, but one thing was glaringly obvious, they lived in two different worlds that did not merge. Probably could not be merged either.

Perhaps, Timmy had finally realized that they were two straight lines, could walk side by side but never could meet.

XOXOXOX

JingYu had no idea how or when he got back home. He was numb. Removing only his shoes and nothing else, he crawled into his bed and fell face first. The faint smell of detergent from the bed sheet addling his mind with a sense of make believe reality where everything was still the same.
But nothing was the same. Nothing.
He took out his phone, the textbox still open, and traced those words one more time.

This was what he had been waiting for, for the other shoe to drop. This was what he expected all those weeks ago, for Timmy to realize that this was a mistake, did he not? Then why was it proving to be so difficult to let go without making sure that he wasn’t misunderstanding? That there was no hope left at all?

With an empty head and a painfully chaotic heart he tapped on the reply box.

What was the mistake? –JY

Minutes went by as he stared at his phone. And then the it came.

Everything. Everything I did. I shouldn’t have done that. –ZZ

Reading it, instead of being piled up with more sadness something short circuited in him.

“Everything was a mistake? Shouldn’t have done that? Hah,” he spat out the words, “this was all a game for you, Timmy Xu, wasn’t it? Stalking me, seducing me, making me into this...this pathetic snivelling fool who cry and grovel? I was your pass time entertainment, wasn’t I? An experiment? And you think everything can be undone just by hash-tagging it as a mistake? Well, I guess the joke’s on me as I should have known better than to expect anything good would come when a rich spoiled brat made a pass on a nobody like me.”

He ran his fingers through his hair, eyes closed, jaw muscle clenching unclenching. Waves after waves of fierce anger flowed through him.

“But I won’t let it, let you crush me. You haven’t made me that much pitiful yet. I am used to with ignoring my own want and living a life of necessity. I’ll have a few shags, process you out of my system and go on living, just like before.” Inhaling through his nose, he repeated, “Just like before.”

He was not sure why did he need to say those things aloud and did not care. He just knew that he needed to hear them in order to believe and bounce back. Maybe he was a mistake for Timmy, but he would not be a mistake to himself. A few months were nothing in the grand scheme of life. He would go back to square one and start afresh.

Meanwhile, he had received another text. He thought of ignoring it but whom was he kidding anyway. It would take some time to erase him out from my life, he consoled his fevered mind.

JingYu, please, I swear I can explain everything. We need to talk. –ZZ

He chuckled without any trace of humour. It was all dark and bitter, “Yeah, I’m sure you can.”

No need. –JY

An impulse came to him and he let it become a reality. Scrolling through his contact list, he opened Mei’s entry and tapped the text bubble.

Hey, the friend you wanted to hook me up with a couple of weeks ago, is she still available? –JY

And promptly turn off his phone once the text was delivered.

His head, his every rational instinct screamed against this move. This was not him. But the furnace inside his heart needed fuel to burn his own self and he was going to provide it.

He would rise from his own ashes.

But that was for tomorrow.

Tonight he would dream about Timmy. No, not Timmy......about his ZhouZhou, for one last time.

Every bit of willpower and energy evaporating from his body, JingYu curled into a foetal position and let the pain of the first heartbreak wash over him.

[][][][]

A/N: Umm....I can explain. I swear.

Also, please remember that these two characters are not perfect, and flawed just like any other person. They fuck up, over react, fall down, make a mess and get up. Just like us.

The first song- "Castle of Glass" by Linkin Park

The second song- "Something I Need" by One Republic.