Guuuuuuuuys, update time!!😀😀 And the word count went up to 15k 👉👈 Dunno, if that will get me beaten or patted. 👉👈 😶😶 But I couldn't omit anything. I wanted to include everything.😶😶

On a serious note, guys, I've been going through a pretty hard time. My Mum is very sick and our government has abruptly paused the funding of the project I have been working on. So, yeah, it's a messed up situation for me now. But as I once said to my friend that I'd probably write while in my death bed, so, that's the only reason that kept me motivated writing this chapter. The quality may seem off or you may or may not get what you were expecting, but just know that what you are reading in 15 minutes, took all my patience and strength to write it. The time is not kind to me at the moment.

Also, for the first time I haven't replied some of your comments. Please, do not take it personally. I really couldn't manage to do it in time and when I had time it was too late. I'm so sorry, guys! Know that I'm always grateful for your love and warm support.🙏

My love love hugsies for those who followed my account!😍😚😚

Another IMPORTANT thing-
I know that some of you are silent readers of this story. As the story is very close to its end, I have this wish that whoever is following this story silently just drop by to say at least a 'hi', so that I would know you were with me and the boys in this journey. Don't worry about your English or anything else. I just want to hi you back!💗 Just a wish of mine.

The chapter cover👆is made by IamSam830 😚😚 Her manips are amazing! Go to her IG ( @mrandmrhuang) to check them out!😍

Songspiration for this chapter-
"Someone Like You" by Adele
'I Found' by Amber Run (Thank you. YZluvv for introducing me to this song! Now, I'm addicted to it!)😭😭

Special thanks to-
kittycatsc and IamSam830 for making those gorgeous quote covers for my previous chapter!💗💗💗😍

I thought I won't rant today.😑

I hope you enjoy the read! Let me know how it goes!

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Chapter-28

The day started as any other for Rui. It was monotonous, lonely and full of chores.

Till her doorbell rang.

"Johnny?!"

Before her surprise could give way to a smile it turned into confusion and utter horror when she saw her son's face twisting up in pain and he hugged her like he used to do after waking up from a nightmare as a kid.

"Mama....."

"Johnny? What is it? What's wrong? What happened?"

"Mama.....he said- he said I didn't deserve him."

The cries that wracked her son's slumped body left no space for her to delude herself thinking that it was just a tiff between two young lovers. She hugged him back with renewed vigour and manoeuvred them inside the house.

Later that night, hours after Rui had successfully coaxed out the whole story from JingYu, mother and son sat in the darkness, facing the backyard. JingYu's head resting on her lap as she carded her fingers through her son's roughened hair. JingYu looked like a shell of his former self.

"Don't I deserve anything, Mum? Anything that I love?"

Rui's heart ached with an indescribable pain. There was a lifelong guilt in her. Ever since her Johnny was born, all her actions, all the decision she took were directed to the betterment of his son's life and yet she suffered from a constant guilt of not being able to provide her son with so many things. If only she could do better, Johnny would not have to console himself thinking that he was undeserving of all those things his mother could not give him as a kid. And now, over the years, a defence mechanism a child came up with had turned into his Achilles' heels.

"You deserve the world, Johnny. He didn't mean those words, you know it too," she tried to sooth him. Despite his son's trouble, she still could not feel adverse towards Timmy. The scene that was unfolded in front of her that night did not let her doubt in Timmy's love for her son.

"I did not want to fall for him, you know?" JingYu started as if nothing Rui had said registered to him. "I resisted for so long. I would avoid him, I would deliberately shun him off but he would still be there, singing for me, waiting for me, looking out for me....smiling. He has the most guileless innocent smile," his eyes glazed over again, clearly reliving those smiles from his memories. Then his face dimmed again, "And in the end I had to fall.....and now he has left me....he said he would become my everything and he did, Mum, he was- is my everything....but I could not become his...his..." his voice turned watery again, "...his anything."

"No, that's not true, that's not true, Johnny. You know that. His love for you is not a lie. He is upset, just like you. And he is still a child. You must not take his words to your heart, my baby. And will you let him go just because he was angry and said some harsh words? A relationship without heartache and arguments is not a healthy one."

JingYu was quiet for so long that Rui thought he must have fallen asleep. Just when she was about to relax her heart thinking that the words she said might have succeeded in lessening his son's pain, JingYu spoke again. Voice hushed in the stillness of the night.

"He is happy...He said...he was happy....I always wanted that...I always did....but never thought it would hurt so much. Because- because I think that I- I wanted him to be happy with me. I'm so selfish, Mum..."

Fresh tears began to form on JingYu's eyes. Rui had never seen her son cry like this since the day Johnny's father died. She wiped the droplets saying, "No, you are not. If anything, you are the most selfless person I have even seen in my life. Don't belittle yourself like.....oh, Johnny...."

"I just....I wanted him to be happy with me....Mum, I..." JingYu covered his eyes with his palm, biting his lower lip hard to control the sobs. "He didn't even take the ring.....he didn't trust me. He didn't even tell me before leaving. I was left behind like a stray dog, Mum...he didn't even....he..."

He could not continue anymore.

Rui held her broken son in her arms and watched the night fade into another day.

The next morning she took out a silver chain, put the ring JingYu brought for ZhouZhou in it and hung the chain around her son's neck.

"What- Mum, what is this? What are you doing?"

After positioning the chain, she patted the chest, satisfied and answered with a smile, "Your love is still here, your ZhouZhou is still here. Not everything needs to be proven or gained physically. This," she touched the ring, "symbolizes your love, both of your love for each other. And as long as that love is within you, keep it close. I won't ask you to pursue him as that should be your decision only but Johnny, don't forget all those moments that made you love him like this. If your love dies out someday then be it. If not, then you two will seek each other out once again. Our love never changes, only our priorities do."

JingYu never cried again after that day. The warm presence of the ring close to his heart helped to anchor him whenever the memories became too heavy to bear.

The love that changed its course because of rejection was not true.

He might not be deserving of Timmy but Timmy deserved all his heart, unconditionally.

XOXOXOX

Park was fun.

He was witty, rambunctious, laidback but there was an undercurrent of cunning in him. Sometimes his stare made Timmy's hair stand. It was as if he was peering into his soul. But the next moment he would say something moronic and that feeling would evaporate like a puff of smoke.

And he was a mischief to the core. From stealing Timmy's things to putting toothpaste inside Timmy's socks, he did everything. Only to extract some strong reaction from Timmy. And Timmy did his best too. Because honestly, Park could bring the worst out a dead fish. Timmy yelled at him, smiled and sometimes even laughed with him, tried to score over him at times.

But they both knew all his efforts were for showmanship. His heart was absent from everything.

Because he missed JingYu.

.........

"You are sexy. We should date."

They were having midnight dips at the dorm pool. Well, Timmy was inside the pool whereas Park was just sitting on edge, legs in the water, splashing.

Timmy spluttered, choked, coughed and wiped the water off his eyes to see Park staring at him with his head cocked to one side. He looked like a bird of prey. Timmy turned his face away hurriedly and ducked under the water.

"Imagine how devastatingly gorgeous we would look together! Blessed be thyself who could rest thy eyes upon this art of God!"

Utterly moronic. Timmy huffed as he crossed the pool from one end to other without answering. A few moments later, he heard Park yell, "And your baby bum needs some protection too."

"Get lost, Park."

Sound of gleeful cackling and then a splash.

"Race ya!"

And off they went to race.

Did JingYu feel like this when Timmy used to flirt with him in those early days? This uneasy and embarrassed? Timmy would never know.

And he would never know how JingYu's touch felt underwater. They never swam together. The idea never occurred to him before.

So many unfulfilled desires.

He missed JingYu.

.......

It had been almost a month Timmy was in London yet he knew nothing about the city, having been wilfully confined to the campus this whole time. He did not feel like going out, did not feel like mingling, being social. The only person he interacted with regularly was the bastard who was dragging him to Tesco at the moment.

"And why do I have to accompany you to the store?" Timmy asked incredulously.

"Because my Jaffa cake stash is running low," Park replied, entirely uncaring and lacklustre that set Timmy's teeth on edge.

"And pray tell why your Jaffa cakes buying requires me?"

"'Caue you're paying," Park threw over his shoulder and winked.

" In your dreams," Timmy shot back.

Park turned back without stopping his walk, "In my dreams? Well, in that case you'll be feeding me." Then he frowned, eyes on Timmy's coat, "Although, it might not have been wise to bring you with me while you are wearing......that."

Timmy's self consciousness went on alert instantly. "What's wrong with this?" He asked clutching the warm apparel.

Park looked at him for a moment, then shrugged, "Nothing," and headed for Tesco, towing him along.

The trip to the store was a disaster. Well, for Timmy, at least. Park spent two hours simply loitering the store and bought only two packs of those cakes.

And Timmy? He sneaked a few glances at the cash counter, hoping to hallucinate of JingYu sitting there, like he did all those months ago when Timmy stalked him to that convenient store.

Nothing happened, no vision of JingYu, no sudden waking up from this nightmare, no arms embracing him, telling him to come back.

Only Park and his never ending whining about sweet products.

Timmy felt so suffocated sometimes. It had been so long he breathed full and easy.

It was not until they get back to their dorm and inside their room that Park suddenly remarked on his coat again.

"How can you even look at that thing, let along going out wearing it?"

Tired, jittery, irritated, Timmy snapped at him, "Will you please lay off? What's wrong with this?"

"What's wrong?" Park arched his eyebrows dramatically, "What's- Have you seen that thing? That's probably the most hideous jacket I've ever seen! That garish yellow," he gave a shudder, "I'll burn it down someday when you're sleeping or in cls-oofff-"

His rant got cut off abruptly as Timmy grabbed his collar slammed him to the wall.

"Don't even fucking dare to lay a finger on this coat, you hear me?" He spat those words through gritted teeth. "I know that you know what this jacket means to me and I know what you are trying to do. So, stop testing me. I'm not some kind of a fucking musical sheet on which you could strike in or out a note to play it at your whims. Do not meddle with my personal life, Park. Trust me, I can be a monster if I want to be."

But his seething threat did not fetch him the desired effect as a sarcastic smile slowly appeared on Park's face.

"You'll still hold onto him even though he cheated on you and kicked you out of his life?"

Timmy's clutch slackened infinitesimally only to be tightened again with renewed vigour.

"Yes, even then also. Even if doing this makes me look pathetic. Because it's my fucking decision to make, not anyone else's. I consider you as my friend, Park. Don't make me reconsider."

With that he released the hold with another shove and turned away. He felt betrayed, disgusted, drained.

"Why?"

The question made him face the other man again.

Park continued, "But why are you still clinging onto him? You are talented, handsome, rich. Studying at such a prestigious college, your future as an established musician is clear and bright. Then why, if it's about having just a boyfriend-"

"He was never 'just a boyfriend'."

When even after Park stared at him questioningly, Timmy took a shallow breath and said, "He was my JingYu. Never 'Just a boyfriend'. "

"But what's the point in clinging to the past, Timmy? It only makes you look pathetic and pitiful."

Timmy gave a chuckle that held neither happiness nor sarcasm in it.

"Because as you said, my love story ends only when I want it to be."

Park's countenance became exasperated at once, "But that was in the context of your music, not....." he flailed his arms, "this!"

Timmy looked away and closing his eyes briefly he replied back, "He is my music."

XOXOXOX

Rebecca was inconsolable.

She called and texted JingYu many times during the first two weeks but JingYu was still in that twilight zone of pain and hurt, thus ignoring anything and everything that had happened around him. Although, he gave her a call after returning from Dandong.

She demanded to meet the very next day and they decided to meet at that cafe they went before. This time Rebecca brought her fiancé too.

"How- I- this is- I- JingYu......" She stammered for a few moment, then stared between him and her boyfriend.

JingYu toyed with the spoon.

"Give me- give me his number."

That startled JingYu. "Why?"

"Gimme his number," Rebecca repeated, "I'll call him and tell him that he got everything wrong and he must come back or- or at least talk to you and you should- you should reconcile and think everything-"

"Rebecca," JingYu called softly but she went on and on like in a frenzy.

"Babe, babe?" This time Rebecca's fiancé, Shen, intervened and put a calming hand on her back, "Calm down for a bit, calm down. Yes, take it easy."

"Take it easy? How could you-" she took a deep breath to calm her nerves momentarily as not to cause a scene and then hissed, "How could you ask me to take it easy when I am the one that caused all this?"

"Hey, Rebecca," JingYu quickly spoke up. He was quite taken aback by such an outburst from her. He had always known her as quick witted, poised woman. "That's not true. Nothing happened because of you. You did not do anything."

"But how can you say that? Don't you see? If I did not show up at your friend's company, did not accompany you to that jewellery shop, all these would not have happened! You two still would have been-" She covered her face, unable to continue anymore. "All because of me."

"Rebecca, listen to me, hey, listen to me. We broke up, he left because there was not enough trust. He did not trust me."

"But emotionally he is still a kid, JingYu! He misinterpreted everything! We must make him see!"

"Yes, he did misinterpret everything and I am to be blamed too for not clarifying things to him sooner. But it still remains the fact that he did not trust me."

"JingYu," Rebecca planted her palms on the table in a manner that told JingYu that he was about to be lectured, "Sometimes, this mistrust does not stem out of lack of actual trust. I strongly believe that he took the decision in the spur of the moment. If he had thought this through he would not have left."

During her speech JingYu had turned his face toward the window by his side. Now he asked without facing her, "I called him almost a week after he left. He had time to think everything calmly. And yet...." He trailed off. "Isn't that answer enough for you?"

She opened and closed her mouth a few times, clearly grasping for a reply. "But....he loves you, JingYu."

Hearing that JingYu looked at her with a sardonic smile, "He did. I know he did."

The usage of the past tense was not lost on her. "And you?"

JingYu's hand went to the middle of his chest, where, under the shirt, rested the ring.

"I don't matter."

XOXOXOX

JingYu's BJJ institution organized an inter country tour every year to promote BJJ throughout the country, especially on remote areas. Only the senior instructors were allowed to join the workshop. Though JingYu was a senior instructor now, he did not apply for the tour. Because Timmy was with him then and leaving him alone was out of the question.

But it was a different situation altogether now. He applied for joining the tour. It would last for almost two months. His lease for his apartment would be over during this period. He did not renew it, just asked the landlord if he could move out his things after he returned. The uncle was an old acquaintance, hence, granting him the permission immediately.

And thus, in one cold damp morning, JingYu left him home. He looked at the room before leaving, saw the memories floating around like motes of dust in the pale morning light. He would be leaving them behind. The ashes of their shared moments would be smeared in these walls. He would take none with him.

Just the ring. Only the ring.

XOXOXOX

30th November was a cold, rain soaked, gloomy day.

He had practiced till very late last night. He probably would not even have stopped if not for Park banging on the practice room and making rude gesture at him from outside the door. He got back to their room with Park throwing glares at him, changed into his JingYu-shirt and promptly fell asleep.

This morning, when his eyes opened to the gloom outside, he closed them immediately, not wanting to see his mood displaying all over the sky. He unlocked his phone and stared at the wallpaper. JingYu did not even know this photo existed. There were many like this in his gallery. Oblivious JingYu, morose JingYu, laughing JingYu, shy JingYu, grumpy, sleepy, and many, many more.

The man always scoffed at Timmy for clicking so many pictures of him. But now that these were all Timmy was left with, he regretted not taking more. He never took photos of an after shower JingYu, with beads of waters sliding down his skin. Or a JingYu puttering in the kitchen, jamming the bread. Or a tired JingYu trying to get the kinks out of his aching shoulder.

Or a JingYu telling him that he loved him.

He did not captured those moments and now, he would have to cling to his memories, always scared of them being faded away.

And the memories that he would never get to make. Like wishing JingYu on his birthday, in bed. Showering him with wishes and soft kisses and promises.

His thumb hovered over the dial box. His heart pleaded him to call JingYu. His head screamed no.

It won't be welcomed, don't call.

But it's his birthday; surely he won't mind receiving good wishes.

He would if the person wishing him is you; he doesn't want you anymore, remember?

But he wished me, he did it first; surly he will not mind if I return the gesture.

He will mind exactly because you will return the gesture. This is not a favour to return. A wish of any kind should be spontaneous. JingYu is not someone to care for officious ceremonies. He will think that you are obliging him.

But I don't care if he thinks of me as an upstart arsehole. I want to wish him. I want to hear his voice. I may not even have another chance ever.

But-

No but. I am going to call him. Let him think what he wants. I want to wish him a happy birthday. Just this once.

Acting before he lost his newly gained courage, Timmy tapped on the call icon.

Static. Then a tinny, mechanical voice informing him that the operator was out of reach.

He cut and called again.

The operator was out still out of reach.

He called again.

And again.

And again.

But JingYu never came within his reach.

Timmy stared at his phone blankly. This small wish, this last wish of his and it got rejected. He just wanted to wish him, to hear his voice once more. Was it too much to ask for? With a bitter laugh he mentally congratulated his rationale for having the last laugh, seeing Timmy fail yet again.

Curling into a tight ball, he pulled the rounded collar of his JingYu-shirt up his head and clutched the soft fabric to his nose.

"Happy Birthday, JingYu."

XOXOXOX

Thousands of miles away, while going to another village and stopping for lunch at a food stall of a remote roadside, JingYu took out his phone.

Still no signal. Maybe it was for good. Maybe never getting a signal would be the best. Maybe this trip would cure him of his pathetic hopes for Timmy coming back to him.

XOXOXOX

JingYu,

Today is your birthday. The first one we could have spent together but never would. I called and called and called but couldn't reach you. I'm scared. Did you change your number, so that I would not be able to bother you anymore? I just wanted to hear your voice. And wish you. Are you having a good birthday? Are you celebrating? With her? Does she make you happy? Of course, she does. Silly me. Of course, she makes you happy. You looked so happy while spending time with her. Is it selfish of me for not feeling happy to know that you are happy while I even find it hard to breathe sometimes? You should have told me. Maybe I would have had better parting memories if you did. I want to see you, JingYu. Please, don't change your number. I won't call again but I will know that at least there is still a door open. A thread that connects me to you.

I miss you.
Happy birthday.

You will never read these letters but I'll pretend that you will.

ZhouZhou

XOXOXOX

Park and Pip bonded instantly.

Well, only a devil could detect another, Timmy thought.

He was on a video call with Pip in one cold December evening. Pip was still a constant in Timmy's life. They never spoke of his break up, not elaborately. Pip hid his shock well and took a step back when realizing that Timmy was not up for any discussion. Though, Timmy was immensely grateful for it at that time but as days went by he desperately wished for Pip to bring up JingYu. So that, he would have an opportunity to ask after his boyfriend. His ex boyfriend.

Pip was talking about his audition to a band when Park popped up. He stood behind Timmy's chair, leaned his face close to the screen and said, "Ew, you're ugly!"

Without missing a beat Pip replied, "You're a fuckface yourself, thanks."

Park clutched his chest dramatically, "Mate!"

Pip's eternally bored visage remained the same, "Dude."

And then two identical cheeky grins could be seen. Timmy rolled his eyes. But he had something else in mind other than egging on this silliness; therefore, he left his room and went outside, away from Park's prying eyes.

"Pip...." He hesitated, not really ashamed but not feeling comfortable to bring this up as he was the one to bar his friend from discussing anything about it.

"Yes?"

And he realized that Pip deliberately not making any assumption and waiting for him to open up. He took a resolute breath.

"Pip, do you....do you know anything about him?"

Pip took a moment to stare at him in silence then shook his head, "Sorry, Timmy, but we never crossed path after....well, after that happened."

They both knew what 'that' referred to.

Timmy began to chew on his lower lip. He was already feeling ashamed for even asking about it and now the answer robbed his last hope of getting any news on JingYu.

"Do you want me to check on him?" Pip asked, without any insinuation colouring his voice.

Averting his eyes Timmy shrugged.

"Okay, then. I'll let you know shortly."

Timmy could only mumble out a " 'Kay."

Pip scratched his head a few times, clearly dithering about something and finally said, "Timmy, I have never asked you about this thing, never interfered with anything but are you sure?"

No, I'm not. I don't want to be. But... "I saw the pics, Pip."

"Woah! I didn't know that! And these pictures are....explicit? Like, incriminating?"

It took Timmy's befuddled mind of get the meaning of that question and when it did Timmy hurried to defend, "No! Of course not! Nothing like that! He didn't- he wasn't- they were just meeting at some places, going to a shop, smiling...."

Looking utterly confused, Pip blinked rapidly, "So, what you are saying is that you saw him meeting a...friend? Nothing suggestive? But...I don't understand. I mean, with that standard we would look more incriminating if we get clicked! Then...what the fuck, dude?!"

"He bought a ring for her, okay? I wouldn't have believed it if it was only the photos! He had been lying to me and meeting her behind my back and they bought rings together."

"Did he tell you that himself?"

"Yes, he did! He did and also I heard him telling her how he wanted to leave me but could not because I was too pitiful to be left like that and- and- goddamnit, Pip! Goddamnit!" He wanted to throw his tab away, to run blindly till his lungs fail. Instead, he tugged at his hair and fought to suppress the pain and anger that wanted to burst out of him.

"Okay, okay, I believe you. Calm down now, calm down, all right? Calm down."

He heard his friend saying those in a worried tone and concentrated his mind onto the voice. He did not want to watch the slide show of those painful moments that had been playing behind his closed eyes.

After much times had passed and Timmy gained back some of his bearing, he apologized to his friend for snapping at him, which Pip, in turn, brushed off with a wave of his hand.

"Don't think about it. It's all right. And I'm sorry too. I didn't mean to trigger you. I just thought what if you were wrong. But you know better; I shouldn't have doubted you."

Later that night, lying in bed and staring at the darkened ceiling, those were the only words that swirled around Timmy's consciousness.

What if you were wrong?

XOXOXOX

JingYu,

I want everything to be wrong. Everything that made us loose each other. But they are not, are they? I would have ignored even my eyes and ears but if I was wrong, if you really did all those things for me, you would have come to take me back home. You wouldn't have left me to be forgotten. I know you wouldn't have.

But....what if I was wrong?

JingYu, I'm scared.

ZhouZhou.

XOXOXOX

Park hauled him one Saturday to shop for Christmas gifts.

"You'll be shopping for your family. What am I gonna do there? Don't tell me I have pay for it too because I most definitely won't," Timmy folded his arms against his chest to make his point.

Park made a derisive 'pfft' sound, "You look like a petulant toddler. And who asked you to pay? You couldn't even pay for my jaffa cakes." He scowled when Timmy gave an eye roll. Coming near him, he added, "You'll be my arm candy for the day."

That immediately earned Park a hard shove and a "Sod off, fucker."

However, Timmy ended up going with Park. He did not really wanted to but he did not wanted to be alone with his head either. He decided to go.

Worst decision ever.

And it was not only because Park was the most horrible shopper that had ever roamed the Earth. Timmy would have put up with all those unnecessary shop hopping, but the happy festive mood all around him grated on his nerves. Smiling faces everywhere buying things for their loved ones. If anything, it made Timmy feeling lonelier than ever. Reminded him that he had no one to buy a gift for. He would not buy presents for his parents. He might have bought something for Nana but he would not be going home in the Christmas hols. So, no point.

And JingYu was no longer in his life.

Loitering in a shop where Park was contemplating buying something or other, Timmy's steps came to a complete stop at one corner.

Two guys, clearly a couple, looking through some items, holding hands. The shorter guy said something and the taller guy leaned in to peck his lips, extracting a giggle from the man which he hushed up immediately.

Given that Timmy had never seen guys doing something like this so openly back in his own country but it was not what made him rooted to the spot.

It was the happy domesticity that the scene painted in front of him.

A scene that was all too familiar. He had lived through this, prized this.

Timmy did not know how long he had been standing there but his senses returned when one of the guys asked him, "Umm, do you need something?"

Caught on staring, Timmy's already warm face inflamed as he quickly mumbled his apology and scurried away towards the exit.

It wasn't till he heard Park's voice calling out to him that he remembered he was not alone.

"Were you trying to escape?" Park accused.

"Yeah, um, no, I just remembered," Timmy licked his lips buying time to come up with some sort of an excuse, "-remembered that I need to do something. I just-"

His friend eyed him suspiciously and asked, "Can't you wait a while longer? I'm almost done here."

Timmy hesitated before saying, "No, I can't really. I gotta go." And dashed through the door.

Wondering aimlessly along the bustling streets of London, all Timmy could think about was escaping. From reality, from this constant heartache, from everything. He was so fucking tired. It had been two months already for fuck's sake!

While trying to run away from this psychological Pandemonium and battling with his mind, Timmy's eyes found it. Behind the cleared glass of the shop display window, it sat caged. Like trapped nostalgia.

As if bound by a spell, Timmy entered the shop.

XOXOXOX

JingYu,

When the pain will end? Everyone is happy around me. I want to be happy too. To be able to smile again. You don't want me anymore yet you still hold my heart captive.... Release me.

ZhouZhou

XOXOXOX

When JingYu's team leader offered him early leave for the upcoming Christmas, he contemplated it for a moment before refusing the offer. They would be returning before the New Year anyway. And he liked it here. It was a small town guarded by sombre mountains. A charity foundation had contacted their institution to hold a workshop for an orphanage here.

Seeing the angelic faces of these abandoned kids, watching their faces lighting up while receiving the used, donated toys and clothes, knowing how most of them would not get adopted ever as nobody wanted to adopt rural children, JingYu felt ashamed for indulging in his own sorrows which were nothing compared to these winter flowers, fighting with the frost to bloom.

And there was this little girl at the orphanage, Xiao Ai, who took a liking to JingYu immediately after they met and started calling him Ge Ge. Never really good with children, JingYu felt wrong footed at first. But something in those chubby red cheeks and gap toothed smile eased him up around her. And she was really, really small.

On Christmas eve, after decorating an artificial Christmas tree that the NGO had arranged for the occasion, Xiao Ai sat beside JingYu at the balcony that had a wide view of the sky and the mountains.

"Ge Ge, you sad?"

JingYu drove his attention away from the night skyline and to the kid.

"Why do you say so?"

Xiao Ai shrugged her small shoulders, "You look sad."

"Do I?" JingYu smiled lightly and pulled one of her tiny pigtails, "I'm not sad, just thinking."

Xiao Ai nodded her head gravely, with an air of a ninety year old. "I know. I'm thinking too."

Amused, JingYu asked, "You are? What are you thinking about?"

"Cake. We're gonna eat cake tomorrow, no?"

JingYu could not stifle the laugh that came out, his first genuine laugh in months. He seated her in his lap and said, "Yes, you would, among other things."

"And?"

"And we'll play."

"And?"

"And pray."

Sucking on her lower lip contemplatively, she asked, "Like we pray every day?"

When JingYu nodded in affirmative, she added, "You'll pray too?"

"Mmm, probably."

"For what?"

"You mean, for whom?"

Xiao Ai flopped her head back and forth.

"For my...Mum, and friends, and Xiao Ai," he smiled again seeing the girl's little face brightening up hearing that, "and there is this another kid, ZhouZhou."

Her eyes went wide at the mention of another unknown 'kid'. "ZhouZhou? Like Xiao Ai?" She asked pointing at her own chest.

"Yes, just like you but he is a boy and a little bit older. Just a bit," he explained to her.

"I wanna story!" She shrieked with the sudden enthusiasm that was part and parcel of childhood, "A ZhouZhou story!"

"But it's pretty late. Shouldn't you be sleeping?"

"No! Story! Eating cake story!"

"Okay okay," JingYu caved in and pinched her cheeks. He might not have had any experience with actual kids but ZhouZhou was his kid too. His baby boy.

But before he could start his 'ZhouZhou story', Xiao Ai, hugged him abruptly and said, "I'll pray for Ge Ge too. And ZhouZhou."

Fairy lights twinkled as two accidental odd friends spent their Christmas eve whispering about a Little Prince named ZhouZhou who lived in a far away kingdom. Far far away from a peasant boy's reach.

XOXOXOX

Those who also did not go home for Christmas in Timmy's dorm arranged a Christmas Eve party at their assembly hall.

And of course, Timmy did not want to have anything to do with it but Park yelled, groused, grumbled, sing songed and even messaged the fact to him that Timmy was the sole reason Park missed spending time with family. Trying to guilt trip Timmy into attending the party.

He succeeded. Timmy would have preferred jumping down the Big Ben than listening to the endless whining.

And now here he was, standing in one corner, with the culprit by his side, belly full of alcohol laced punch and head full of chaos. Fucking merriment. He just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep till all this nonsense was over.

"Oi, Timmy, 'tis your turn now!"

Someone hollered, making him jump. His turn to what?

Seeing him looking utterly lost Park whispered into his ear, "Turn to take the stage, you numpty." Only then, Timmy realized, to his horror, that they wanted him to sing.

"Oh, no no no, I'm cool here. You guys go on," he promptly declined. Well, everybody knew he was unsocial; it should not be a surprise to anyone.

He underestimated the convincing power of a bunch of half drunken youth.

Shooting a death glare, that could melt glaciers, at Park who grinned shamelessly, Timmy stomped to the stage. Someone shoved a guitar in his hand. Fuckers.

That stage was actually a raised dais upon which a disco light was spinning slowly.

Suddenly Timmy was back at the pub. His eyes swept over the far left side and he could have swore he saw JingYu standing at the bar, with his white sleeves rolled up.

His fingers began to dance over the strings without his permission.

"I heard that you're
Settled down
That you
Found a girl
And you're
Married now
I heard that your
Dreams came true
Guess she gave you things
I didn't give to you

Old friend
Why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back
Or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue
Uninvited
But I couldn't stay away
I couldn't fight it
I had hoped you'd see my face
And that you'd be reminded
That for me
It isn't over...."

He could not continue for much longer. With his inhibitions lowered down by the alcohol and the atmosphere, his voice choked up and he came down the stage in a hurry. Which was actually a good thing as he heard others say, "Couldn't you have found anything else to sing tonight, mate?" "It's Christmas Eve, for fucks sake!" "Blimey, the weird vibe is high with that one."

Face hot, Timmy quickly went to the corner again, steeling himself to be laughed at by Park. But surprisingly, the boy did not say anything to him. Just handed him a punch cup with a tight smile.

The night went on with garrulous laughter, perverted jokes, shameless flirting and increasing drunkenness.

Timmy was tipsy himself and noticing that he stayed long enough to fulfil his social decency quota, told Park that he was going back to their room and headed for the door without awaiting an answer.

"Timmy, wait up," Park called and Timmy saw him coming.

Timmy looked at him questioningly and heard him say, "You sure you want to be alone at this moment? Maybe we can go out, have a pint at a pub or-"

"Thanks but I'm not feeling like it. I- I- I should-" he gestured at the direction of their room.

"Okay, uh, let me go with you, then."

"I'm not that drunk, Park," Timmy snapped. They had reached the doorstep almost.

"I know that! Why must you twist every-"

"Oh, look at the love birds!"

A high pitched yell and the following jeers swallowed Park's next words. Timmy frowned at his peers to find them looking at their direction. One of them pointed his beer bottle above their head and said, "Finally, you got your chance, mate!"

Timmy immediately looked upward to see that the two of them were right under a Mistletoe. Someone clearly thought it'd be a great idea to fucking hang a mistletoe at the door. A fucking damned mistletoe.

Timmy hurriedly stepped back but Park remained rooted to the spot, staring at him with an unreadable expression.

"Oh, no, love, you can't escape this time," a girl, a senior from Timmy's department, chirped all too happily and came to block the door, "And why shy away? You two are dating, aren't you?"

Timmy's jaw dropped open. "Dating?" What the actual fuck? Was he being the butt of a joke? What?

Park came closer, a bit too close, forcing Timmy to concentrate all his focus on Park's obsidian eyes that glinted in the shadowy darkness of the hall.

"It's just a custom, Timmy. Don't think too hard," his voice murmured softly.

"Wha- Park, what are you saying?" Timmy's voice had dropped a few octaves too.

"It's not like you are seeing someone else at the moment or dating. You don't have any obligation."

Baffled, overwhelmed, disoriented, all Timmy could do was stare.

"How long you plan on pining after something that isn't even yours anymore?"

Even his breathing stopped.

"Don't you want to live again?"

Park leaned forward. Timmy screwed shut his eyes.

XOXOXOX

JingYu,

We never kissed under the Mistletoe. And we never would. I wonder how it would have felt like. I haven't kissed you for so long.

Yet another unfulfilled desire that would never become reality.

Don't you miss me at all? Won't you care if someone else takes me away? Won't you take me home then? What will make you take me away from here? What will happen when I won't be able to remember the taste of your kiss? What then? How long? Should I let go? Could I?

Please, JingYu....I'm so lost.

ZhouZhou

XOXOXOX

Timmy sat on his desk, head down, face hidden into the pillowed arms. Park's voice still rang inside his head.

"How long you plan on pining after something that isn't even yours anymore?"

In the end, Park did not kiss him. Trailing a finger along Timmy's jaw, he had whispered into his ear, "I do not take what isn't mine. You are safe with me."

Timmy probably would have cried in relief had he not run away right after. And that had scared him more.

"Don't you want to live again?"

"I do," he croaked into the deluded privacy of an empty room, "but I don't know how to. Without him. I don't know how."

When, two days later, Pip informed him that JingYu had moved away from his old apartment, Timmy took the key out of his pocket- he had been carrying it with him every day- and put it into the box with his letters.

JingYu was never coming to take him home.

XOXOXOX

JingYu's new apartment was closer to Beijing Music Academy, where Timmy was supposed to study. That was the only reason for him to rent this flat, so that ZhouZhou would have to travel less. He arranged the lease papers before they broke up. But now as he stood in the middle of the empty room, amongst the cardboard boxes that held only his things, those reasons felt like a mockery of his eagerness of giving his lover a better life.

It was so easy to turn a life into a lie.

This was supposed to be their bedroom, and the other room, the small one, JingYu planned to turn into ZhouZhou's practice room. And there, on the right off corner, he thought of buying a bigger dresser; ZhouZhou always dumped all his clothes into one small shelf on the previous wardrobe. It made his clothes crumpled and JingYu unhappy. And that kitchen counter, he would never lift the other boy up and seat him there. This new flat was memory free.

While his previous flat felt like a shrine with memories cloying around, this one felt like......a dry, barren land. Nothing was here. It was not a home. Just some place to sleep in.

JingYu ran his tired fingers through his dishevelled hair. Good thing that Mum was coming for the New Year.

XOXOXOX

"Johnny, you are still awake? It's quite late."

"I know, Mum. Just can't sleep. Why haven't you been sleeping?"

"I just needed to use the washroom. Are you cold? Don't sit so close to the window, dear."

"I'm okay, Mum. Don't worry."

"Mmhm.....................................Johnny, a new year is about to begin. Tomorrow morning will bring a new start. I won't ask you to forget or let go but you have to move on at some point, dear."

"................I know and I.....will. I will move on. Just a few more days..."

"Johnny, why don't you go to him? I know it's very far and probably very costly too but I have some savings-"

"Mum...Oh Mama, you are still looking out for me, aren't you?"

"I always will. I'm a mother. That's what mothers' do. So, will you go to him?"

"He doesn't want me to."

"I refuse to believe that."

"You trust him that much?"

"Yes, I actually do. Go to him, Johnny. If nothing else, you'll have some closure."

"..........I will when he asks me to..... If only he asks me."

"And you'll wait for that day? Won't take the initiative?"

"No. I will wait."

"..............It hurts me to see you hurt."

"I'm sorry, Mama. I'm really okay. Better than before."

"........"

"Go to sleep, Mum."

"You too, all right? Don't stay up late."

"I won't."

After his mother left, JingYu took out the chain underneath his shirt and ghosted his lips over the Infinity sign.

A promise to forever.

"Happy New Year, ZhouZhou."

XOXOXOX

JingYu,

New Year at Trafalgar Square is chaotic in a fun way. There were so many people! Well, not more than what we see in Beijing but I haven't seen that many people in a while, so that might be the reason why I felt so baffled at first.

There were so many people but none of them were you. I know by now how impossible it is but I still search for you in the crowd. I know I won't find you but hey, a man can hope, right?

Hope is the cruellest thing that can happen to a person, JingYu. Never hope, all right?

At zero hour, when the counting ended, there was so much kissing! Seemed like everyone was kissing everyone. Park grumbled all the while. And I wanted to kiss you at midnight too, so, I wore your shirt. Wrapped up in coat, cap and muffler, I sneakily pulled the collar of the shirt to my lips and kissed it. Don't worry. It was covered by the scarf. I didn't look like a barmy idiot. And I got to kiss you. In a way. The only way I have been left with.

Sometimes I fear what will happen when the shirt is worn out? I wear it to sleep quite often but don't think I can keep doing it for long. I have to preserve it, no? I didn't bring anything else. Just that shirt. I wish I would have sneaked something more.

Lost opportunities. So many of them. But let's not get maudlin on such a happy day, all right? It's a new beginning, after all. For some, at least.

Happy New Year, Jin. May this new beginning take you to your destination.

I miss you more and more.

ZhouZhou

XOXOXOX

Days went by...

While looking for another job JingYu received a call one day. Some advertising agency wanted to hire him. When he informed them that he did not work with his previous agency anymore they asked if he would like to work personally as his recommendation came from a reputed client with whom JingYu had worked in the past. He never thought of taking modelling as a profession but then again, there were many things he did not think of doing or happening. He agreed, on one condition though, he would like to change his professional identity to Johnny Huang.

Thus began the second phase of JingYu's career in modelling, a profession he took only for Timmy. But this time, he took it because of his own self.

........

Timmy learnt that Classical music could represent his every mood. It was there when he was sad, when he was happy or when disgruntled. He was never into classical music before but after listening to Bach, Chopin, Beethoven, Schubert, Brahms he started to look at Music from a very different angle. He began to explore more, visit all the nook and crannies where he never thought he would find inspiration. Although majoring in contemporary music the classical genre was a part and parcel of his studies too. And of course, he could not deny the influence Park's violin had on him.

All those evenings spent on listening to the boy sliding the bow on the strings, head tilted to rest the chin against the polished wood of the instrument, eyes closed, emitting sounds that seemed to leave Timmy confounded on its wake, had influenced him to a great extent. In those hours, Timmy learnt how to infuse his emotions to his music and create sounds that was as primal as a heartbeat.

...........

Things went on like this for a while till on the last day of January Pip's call came.

XOXOXOX

Timmy was around Baker Street, headed out for some chores when the call came.

"Yeah, dude, wassup?"

"Tim...."

Timmy's pace slowed down. Pip hardly ever called him by his name.

"Pip? What's the matter?"

"You need to see this."

"See what?"

"Gonna send you something. And, um,-"

Timmy had stopped completely by now. This was so unlike Pip that he felt a feeling of foreboding immediately.

"What's happening, Pip? Is it- is it about...him?"

"Just don't do anything rash and call me right after."

Timmy opened his mouth to question more but the call ended. And right after he heard his messenger alert.

Pip had sent him a link. Timmy clicked on it and waited with bated breath for it to upload.

When the picture surfaced on his screen, the ground slipped beneath his feet.

It was a photo uploaded on weibo, captioned as, "Two greatest things Friendship has led me to- a husband and a brother."

In the frame stood Rebecca in a wedding dress, on her left stood an unknown guy and on her right stood....JingYu. And it was clear by their clothing exactly who was the husband and who the brother.

Timmy's world began to spin.

"No..." The denial slipped through his lips in half rasp. "No.....no no no...no...no...no.." His hand that held the phone began to shake as he struggled to breathe. His knees gave out and he hobbled to the steps in front of a building, not caring the wet patches. Sitting down with his head bowed in between his knees, fingers twined into the hair, Timmy fought to stay upright and keep his consciousness.

This was not happening to him, no, this could not be happening, could not be real. And yet this was the exact thing that Timmy had been praying for to happen, for everything turned out to be false.

But he never realized that it would also be the last breath of his hope of getting JingYu back. He started this nightmare and now he would have to live in it forever. He would have to spend the rest of his life knowing that it was his own fault that caused him his JingYu.

"No no no, please no, please please please no. Please please please," as he hyperventilated on the pavement, those last moments with JingYu flashed in front of Timmy's eyes. How JingYu begged him to listen, tried to tell him the truth but he was denied every chance. Timmy had convicted JingYu without a trial.

He had killed their love and put all the blame on JingYu. Made him stand there and watch as Timmy tore apart their world.

And his parting words to JingYu......

"Please, god....make it stop." Timmy was openly crying now. These last three months without even a sliver of contact, he had disposed himself to his fate, accepting the fact that that chapter of his life was truly over. But now, after the reality slapped him hard he knew what 'truly over' felt like. It felt like dying. And he grasped at straws like a drowned man.

When everything was actually over with no chance of reviving, Timmy desperately wanted to go back to the beginning again.

His love was still his when he buried it alive.

"Make it stop make it stop make it stop!"

His phone rang. Timmy's eyes flew open. Phone. Call. He needed to call JingYu. He needed to tell him. He needed to beg. To make him understand. To...to..to go back. Yes, he needed to tell him.

He rejected Pip's call and proceeded to find JingYu's number, then halted. What if JingYu would not receive the call seeing who was calling? Last time he could not reach him. This time he had to succeed. Had to. He frantically looked around and found it on his far left. One of those red telephone booths.

Timmy got up and half ran half staggered to the box.

Once he closed the booth door behind him, he had to take shallow gulps of breaths. There was a coldness coursing through him that had nothing to do with the freezing winter outside and it made his teeth chatter. He was scared. The nightmare had started all over again.

Tightening his jaw, Timmy took out his international phone card and dialled JingYu's number. And held his breath.

Each unanswered ring sounded like thunderous to his ear. Finally it was picked up.

Immediately the sounds of loud music and cheers assaulted Timmy. And then came the voice Timmy wanted to hear, was dying to hear.

"Hello?"

JingYu greeted, voice loud in order to be heard over the noise. Timmy could not speak.

"Hello? Who's this?"

Thousands of words brewing inside but not a single sound escaped him.

"Hello? Umm- listen- it's very loud here-"

"JingYu?"

"-and I can't really hear you-"

"JingYu?"

"Hello? Hello- god, can't hear anything! Please call me tomorrow. I'm at my friend's reception-"

"JingYu?"

"-I'm sorry."

The call was disconnected from the other side.

"JingYu?"

Timmy asked the silence.

"It's me.....ZhouZhou."

A single droplet of water was sliding down the condensed glass of the booth.

"I'm- I-.......JingYu? Can I talk to you for a minute?.........Are you at Rebecca's reception? I- I saw your photo today.......You looked happy. But thin. You looked thin.....Did you lose weight?" He stopped. The droplet was haltingly going down now. "JingYu? Do you hate me now? I saw you today. You told me about this wedding. That night you two were talking about this. I know now. I know now that you never lied to me." The water was running down down down. "JingYu? You are never coming back, are you? Because I have closed that door behind me. I never gave you any chance. I still have the key....but it's useless now....never gave you any chance..." Tears pooling down his chin. "Do you hate me? I do too. Do you know- do you know that for these last three months I have hated myself for many things. For leaving so readily, for not trying harder, for saying those things...........Now, one more thing to hate myself for.................. I have ruined your life, didn't I? Do you curse the day you met me?" It was so cold. "I'm scared, JingYu. I can't see. There is no light anymore. Can you please come and take me home? I'm scared. JingYu...JingYu?" Even his tears felt cold, turning into icicles while pouring down his cheeks. "JingYu?" Why couldn't he breathe? "JingYu, I'm sorry." Why was his chest felt so constricted? "If I beg will you come?" The shiver was coming back again. "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. JingYu......" He was in a telephone booth, weeping like a baby. JingYu would have laughed his head off if he could see him now. "You looked happy today. I know you are never coming back to me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I came to your life. Tha- that I exist. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And-" He swallowed the salty thickness in his mouth, "And do you know why I said those things?..........Because I knew all along it was me who did not deserve you. I knew from the start. I knew it. And I- and...JingYu....I love you. Do you hate me now? I know you do. I love you...........I love you..........I-....... Goodbye, JingYu."

He put down the receiver.

..........

A livid Park almost punched him when hours later he returned, wet, cold and shivering.

"Where the HELL HAVE YOU BEEN, YOU BASTARD? I've been calling you all day! Do you think this is some kind of a joke? What kind of fuckery you are trying to pull?"

Timmy gazed at him with unfocussed, dull eyes and said, "Will you please play Beethoven's Late String Quartet for me?"

When the heart ripping sound of the melancholic fugue drenched the room little by little, Timmy curled into a foetal position and cried hiding in the music.

JingYu's shirt was wrapped around him.

XOXOXOX

JingYu,

If I thought that living without you was painful before, it is nothing compared to the pain of knowing that I am the reason I lost you. I killed us.And I will have to live with this knowledge. No matter what I say, how much I beg in the throes of sadness, never forgive me. I only know how to break.

But if I still love you from the distance, it won't harm you, will it?

I miss you.

ZhouZhou

XOXOXOX

Spending the night at the reception party and having a truly good time in months when JingYu returned to his home, more than drunk, in the early morning, all the memories of a phone call from an unknown number had been wiped clean from his mind.

Two days later JingYu left Beijing to restart his career as a model.

XOXOXOX

JingYu,

Winter is over officially but the days are still damp and mostly grey. It suits my moods though. Lately all my compositions are bleak sounding. My professor advised me to experience life more. To go out and act my age. He thinks I am stereotyping myself and it is having a bad impact on my creativity. I know I know, I should get out more; Park is always nagging me for it. Well, I went out, actually. Alone. I went for a walk in Hampstead Heath. Took the guitar with me even though the day was chilly and windy; terrible for any musical instrument. Walking through the wilderness of the Heath I felt invisible and I can't tell you how peaceful it was. For those few moments, I felt painless. And I dared to dream about the future. Despite my delusion, I know that my future will never have you in it but maybe someday I can be happy too. Maybe I won't have to fake every laugh or trick myself to feel happy. I will really be happy someday, maybe. Maybe I will fall in love again, go for walks, compose songs that will sound bright, grow old together with someone....

Maybe we will meet again, bump into each other on the sidewalk while we both will be with our partners and we will stare and smile and exchange pleasantries. Or we will shy away, act like strangers and cross each other without turning back.

Or maybe not. I mean, whom am I kidding? My eyes are just filling up imagining you with someone else. I know it's only logical and believe me JingYu, I want you to be happy, that's all I ever wanted, even though I failed to do it myself. But my bastard of a heart still can't accept that you should be happy with someone else. I'm such a loser, no? Park thinks I'm pathetic, I think so too. What do you think? If only you still think of me, that is. I wonder sometimes, you know? Whether you still think of me. But then I realize that it would only bring bad memories for you. So, it's better to forget me.

But sometimes I wish you remember me, if only with hate and loathing. At least I'll be in your mind that way. What a sick thought.

Selfish bastard heart of mine.

Guess, that bumping into each other with our partners won't happen, not on my end at least. Just writing about it makes me hurt silly.

I want to see you. Hell, 'want' is not even remotely close of what I actually feel about seeing you. But if I have to see you with someone else, I better not. Selfish bastard, remember?

I have grown up so much in these past months. I wish you could see me now. I even learned to fold my clothes after laundry! I want to see you. Even just a glimpse will do. Pip said you were on weibo. But I haven't checked it yet. Didn't dare to. I'm scared. And to some extent dejected too. What if I see a changed version of you? Yeah, I'm quite scared of it. I have lost everything, just don't want to lose the shadows of our shared past too. But I want to see you. So much, JingYu, so very much.

I miss you.

I'll write to you again in a few days.

ZhouZhou

XOXOXOX

Timmy had been spending more and more hours at the Uni. Their first recital would be within three months and the first years were abuzz with activities. They rehearsed relentlessly.

Drained of all vitality, tired out of his wits, when Timmy opened his dorm room door, he immediately regretted coming back at all.

"Not again....not FUCKING AGAIN!" He yelled out the last part not caring the time of the night.

He had valid reason too. Apparently, Park had gotten back not so long ago and after taking a shower the scoundrel had once again put on one of Timmy's shirts.

Park looked at him with 'I'm-just-dropped-from-heaven-above' expression and asked, "What?"

"What? You fucker-" Timmy's had to clench his jaw in order to not shout or hurl his guitar at this suckiest roommate eve. He took a deep breath and asked, in the chilliest voice he could manage, "Park, why are you wearing my t-shirt without my permission?"

The trouble maker looked down at the shirt as if it was his all along then stared at Timmy and said, with a sweet dripping voice that screamed mockery, "Timmy, my sweet little honey punch dumpling huggle bear Timmy, can I please, with cherry on top, wear your shirt? Pretty please?" And batted his eye lashes.

Timmy shoved him away and stomped to his side of the room, grumbling all the way.

Park cackled like the moron he was and asked, "What got your knickers in a twist?"

"You!" Timmy barked over his shoulder. He was so fucking tired of Park's antics. And now the moron was grinning again.

"Oh my! I reached into your knickers also?"

Answering would only lead to more yelling, so, Timmy snatched his night shirt and a pair of boxers from his wardrobe and headed for the bathroom. Park wrapped his arm around his throat in a chokehold and cheered, "Say cheese!"

And just like that a selfie was clicked. And Park earned a punch in return.

"Sod off!"

"I saved you some hot water," Park hollered after him.

"You won't get any thanks, you twat," Timmy hollered back and slammed the door.

What he did not see was that as soon as he disappeared to the toilet, Park took his phone and with nimble fingers began to tap on it. His own phone was on the other hand and he tapped on it too.

After a while a smug smile tugged onto his lips.

XOXOXOX

When Rebecca asked him to open a weibo account, JingYu did not pay heed to her but after a few fashion houses asked him if he had any weibo, he gave it a serious thought and opened one. And after much internal battle with his rational inner self, he gave in to the temptation of sneakily checking ZhouZhou's profile. There was no activity recently which made him worried and relieved at the same time. ZhouZhou seemed to always invoke all sorts of contradictory emotions in him. He had heard that weibo was not all that popular outside China and ZhouZhou being in another continent altogether, it wasn't unexpected for the account to be idle. But in the moments of heartache, JingYu liked to console himself thinking that ZhouZhou was not active because he did not feel like being social, much like what JingYu felt.

And he nursed his broken heart by staring at those old photos of them together that ZhouZhou uploaded all those months ago.

However, even that bubble burst out into nothingness when JingYu went to his ex boyfriend's account that day. There was a new picture uploaded a few hours ago. A very disgruntled looking ZhouZhou with a strikingly handsome guy. He looked around Timmy's age, with Asian features, had his arm around Timmy.......and wore Timmy's shirt. JingYu knew because he had washed that shirt numerous times. They had a photo together with Timmy wearing that very shirt.

JingYu looked at Timmy's face intently. Grumpy, tired, dark patches around those eyes.Still like a fussy kid about to throw a tantrum. But there was also an air of adulthood around him now. JingYu could not put a finger on it but it was there and it made JingYu suppress a sigh.

This was the first time he had seen ZhouZhou after that night. Not an hour went by in these past six months he had not thought about the boy, how was he, what was he doing, if he was okay, where he was and other million questions. But now that he finally got a glimpse, the void inside him seemed to become a gaping hole, threatening to swallow him whole again. It had taken an inhuman amount of effort for him to get over his heartbreak and start his life once more but now he felt like toppling over the edge once again.

Clearly Timmy was intimate enough with the guy for them to share clothes and then uploading a picture of it with a winking emot icon. Was he someone from ZhouZhou's college? Someone of his own age, posh, probably of his own line of career too, sharing the same passion; in short, on ZhouZhou's own level.

The sigh he had been suppressing came out finally.

"Is he the one, ZhouZhou?"

Strangely he did not feel any jealousy or adversity towards either of the boys. Only the niggling pain that was his constant companion now. He had no right to be jealous. Maybe he gave ZhouZhou all the things JingYu could not.

(👆Park wearing Timmy's shirt)

(👆JingYu and Timmy's pic with the shirt)

XOXOXOX

It did not work! What the fuck? -Pip

You the fuck! Shut the fuck up. -Park

I have risked my friendship for it. -Pip

And you think I didn't? -Park

You might have had ulterior motive. -Pip

I only take things which are given to me willingly. There is no glory in stealing. -Park

XOXOXOX

JingYu,

There is a new hole in your shirt. I discovered it on Tuesday night and it hit upon me that it will be completely worn off at some point. What do I do? It's the only thing I have of you. I can't afford to lose it. It is the only thing left now. Only thing that holds your essence, even if only in sentiments. I don't know what to do. Please, don't take this away from me. I can't even wear it now, just hold it to sleep. This is so cruel. Why are you being so mean? Can't you let me have this one thing? I want to go to Beijing. But I know if I go there I won't be able to leave and if I don't leave I'll disrupt your life again. After all these months you must have moved on. I want you to move on, not very sincerely but sometimes I can be a bit selfless too. And I can't watch it with my own eyes that you have moved on. I wonder if there is someone else in your life now.....

Morbid thoughts. I can't afford these at the moment! I need to be at the rehearsal in precisely thirty minutes. I'll be accompanying a sophomore in piano. And it's a happy song. And I'll be invariably projecting my mood on my playing. So, I can't think of you with someone else now. Which is why I am writing this letter in a rush. To get it out of me. But you are too cruel. Don't do this to me, JingYu. How am I supposed to go on if there nothing of you with me?

I miss you.

ZhouZhou

XOXOXOX

On Park's birthday, they visited the London Eye.

It was May already and Timmy had never visited this iconic attraction of London. When Park heard about it he gave Timmy such a derisive look that made Timmy feel like two feet tall. Hence, the duo set out for it on Park's birthday in one fine evening.

It started out as fun. There was no one else other than them in the capsule. As the wheels began to turn and the bird's eye view of the entire city slowly began to emerge, Timmy felt a deep sense of freedom. Beside him Park looked really happy which fuelled in lifting Timmy's mood too.

But it was short lived.

With the churn of the wheel his memories began to surface. An evening long gone, in the cubicle of a ferris wheel, shrouded by the light and shadow two people sat face to face. The twinkling lights of the carnival decorations drawing a colourful collage on the handsome face opposite Timmy. His heart was beating so fast; the time was moving so slow. There was a spell in the air. Like a music heard in a dream. JingYu's eyes were on him, attention, affection, absolution.

It was yesterday.

It was a lifetime ago.

It was....

"Timmy? Timmy? Hey, are you okay?"

Timmy looked at the source of the voice dumbly and realized that this face was not the one was hoping to see. This place, this time, this moment was not the one he wanted to live in.

And it felt so wrong. Being present here with someone other than JingYu......this felt like replacing those memories.

"Can we- can we get out?" Timmy managed to coax out but seeing Park's face falling he immediately regretted it and tried to amend, "Um, I'm just feeling a bit dizzy, that's all."

By the look of it, they both knew the lie fell flat. There was no words spoken further during the remaining time of the spin.

Things lightened up after they got out, the night breeze cooling them. Timmy already feeling guilty, talked more than ever. After a while Park's usual cheery self came back and Timmy exhaled in relief.

They took a ferry ride on Thames and bickered along the entire journey. Timmy was thankful for the glitch that occurred earlier to be gone. This was a day of celebration after all and the two friends tried to make the most out of it.

However, that lasted till they entered a restaurant for the dinner.

Timmy was too relaxed to actually check out the name of the establishment and did not notice where they were going till a soft tinkling sound of Sitar hit him. It was an Indian cuisine house. Oh dear lord.

The last time he and JingYu went out eating was to an Indian restaurant too. The day that marked the beginning of their ending.

He stood there motionless and saw Park turn back realizing Timmy was not following him.

"What?"

"Park....." Timmy could not continue but standing there like a buffoon was not an option either. And Park's face was getting serious too.

"What Timmy?"

"I....can't."

"Can't what?"

"Can't eat here?"

Park swept his eyes over the place before asking him, "You don't like Indian cuisine?"

Oh god....how to tell him. "I do...I...I can't today. I mean I can force myself but that would only ruin this dinner further."

"Something to do with your ex?"

Timmy wanted the floor to open up and swallow him alive but he did not avert his eyes while nodding in affirmative. Even when he was being a jerk to his friend his heart refused to be ashamed of something that involved JingYu.

"I see," and Park walked past him without uttering any more words and exited through the door.

Fuck.

XOXOXOX

They came back to the hostel immediately after but did not go inside. Instead, Park stood at a secluded corner with his back leaning against a wall, head tilted up. Timmy stood beside him, hands shoved inside his pockets, head bowed, shoes kicking the grass beneath.

"You know-"

Park's voice got Timmy's attention.

"- I asked my parents not to come when they wanted to visit me today, to celebrate my birthday together. But I asked them not to. Do you know why?" He asked looking at him.

Timmy's heart sank as it was clear as day what was the reason.

Park gave a chuckle that was so full of bitterness that it made Timmy wince.

"I booked the capsule today so that you could enjoy the ride uninterrupted. I did not invite my other friends because you might get uncomfortable. I tried to make you happy on my birthday."

Every word felt like a slap on his face. He could retaliate by saying that he did not ask for any of this but how could he ignore the intention behind?

"You are not my type, Timmy," Park continued, "Hell, your ex is more like my type....but there is something in you that pulls me. Do you know that I was ready to be your rebound guy?" Another dry laugh, "But as I always say, I don't take which is not mine. So, instead, I became your friend. But-" he focussed his eyes on Timmy again and said, "You could have given me this one night."

XOXOXOX

JingYu,

I hate you. I ruined Park's birthday because of you. And whereas I am feeling like a slimy worm of hell, I still might do the same things if given another chance! I couldn't make myself do it. I can't. I can't replace you. And I hate you for it. For loving me so much that now I am incapable of sparing even a sliver of love to anyone else. You made me more selfish. I hate you for it. And I miss you. And I want you back. I want you back, Huang JingYu. I want you back. And I know it will never happen.

I ruined Park's birthday. I can never forgive myself. Is there no end to my crimes? With this much bad karma, I don't know where and how I'm gonna end up.

Can't you make everything all right? Make everything all right. You have to. Fix it.

ZhouZhou

XOXOXOX

Clubs were still not his scene even after attending so many parties in the last few months. JingYu could not understand why these fashion houses all liked to throw parties at clubs. It suffocated him. But today he could not even get out of it early as he was one of the main guests. He was featured as the face of one of the popular Beijing based magazines on this month's issue. This project came through a bit of networking. Rebecca, who was as well his de facto manager now, pulled some strings to rope him into the list of models the casting committee had in mind. And with some stroke of luck, JingYu ended up bagging the project.

And now here he was, cradling a tumbler of scotch and dying to get away from here.

That was when his eyes landed on him. He was on the dance floor, writhing in between two bodies, eyes on JingYu. Nothing registered to JingYu except for those eyes. Two big, beautiful eyes. Like ZhouZhou's. It had been so long he had seen ZhouZhou, and even getting an echo of the boy in someone else had him captivated as he stared at the man, spell bound.

The man stopped his dancing, slowly made his way to the bar and sat on a stool not far from JingYu, keeping the eye contact all the while.

JingYu could feel his heart beat getting faster. The man lifted up his drink and hid his lower face behind the glass, exposing only those eyes.

A myriad of emotions began to play inside JIngYu. Those eyes......not as beautiful as Timmy's.....but still held a bit of the shadow... JingYu had never been with anyone after Timmy. He never even thought of it. Rebecca nagged at him every day but he could not even imagine anyone else with himself, even though he saw Timmy finding someone. But JingYu could not. He still wore the ring.

But maybe if someone looked like ZhouZhou he could at least spend some time with them? Not anything intimate but enough to trick himself into thinking that it was ZhouZhou? Pathetic? Yes, he was but it was better than making castles out of thin air.

Realizing that he was again getting lost inside his head, he refocused his attention to the man who was now circling the rim of his glass with his index finger, looking straight at JingYu. He grimaced. He knew exactly what that action suggested and it dampened his curiosity a great deal. Suddenly those eyes did not look so big and there was not a hint of innocence in them, so unlike ZhouZhou's. And then the man smiled, more like leered, at him and that did it for JingYu. He felt disgusted to ever comparing his ZhouZhou to this common flirt.

The ring burned on his skin. The club felt too small.

XOXOXOX

Dude, can you access Chinese mags from where you live? -Pip

IDK, never looked for them. Why? -ZZ

See if you can get this month's Youth Unplugged issue. -Pip

It's him, isn't it? They featured him, Pip? -ZZ

Tell me if you can't get a hold of it and we'll figure something out. -Pip

XOXOXOX

ZZ combed through the China Town on Gerrard Street to find the magazine and did it at last. All his frenetic energy slammed to a halt when the mag came to his view.

In a yellow hooded shirt, baring his naked upper torso, with his head tilted slightly stood JingYu starig at the camera square. Shutting off his mind completely, Timmy grabbed all the four copies the store had and paid off the shop keeper.

He did not tell Park about it, did not tell Pip about, did not even let himself think about it till the light went off in their room at night. Only then he took out all four copies from his backpack and stared at them in the lights of his table lampshade.

He could not pin point what he felt. Trepidation? Yes. Confusion? A lot. Bitterness? Never when it came to JingYu. Heartache? Boundless. Timmy trailed a hesitant finger over the picture. From those dark, tousled hair, down the expanse of the forehead, along the jaw line, chin, collarbone, chest, naval, the hint of the treasure trail that used to drive Timmy crazy with want, and that crease in the trouser that hid JingYu's manhood, reminding Timmy of their first time.

After their break up, it was as if Timmy's sex drive had dried down. Day after day, his cock lay limp in between his legs, not even a stir of want he felt there, let alone sexual urge. But tonight, getting a glimpse of the man, of the body that could make him drunk with lust, his own body was awashed with the desire of experiencing the pleasure once again. With soundless feet he bee lined for the toilet and sat on the closed lid of the toilet bowl after securing the lock of the door. A restless energy thrummed through him. Holding the magazine in his left hand, he stared at JingYu's face, recalling the moments of passion between them. This picture was masculine seduction personified. Timmy licked then bit his chapped lower lip and began to graze his palm over his chest, stomach and finally over his clothed cock. He tried to knead the still limp organ to life and pulled down his pants for the purpose. Eyes roaming all over JingYu, Timmy took his member in his hand and gave it a slow tug from root to tip.

He used to play with those hair; they were soft to the touch, oh so very soft. In the early playful morning, JingYu liked to nudge him with his nose, like a teasing cat. Lips, oh those lips, the most divine and addictive thing Timmy had ever tasted; he could still remember their flavour. A moan escaped him as his hand carried on with its ministrations. That chin, that Adams Apple, that collar bone, Timmy knew their different tastes individually. And those light freckles on the left pectoral-

Timmy's musings stopped abruptly, as did his hand. Where were those freckles? He squinted his eyes and pulled the mag closer to his face. No, he could not see any freckle! Where were those? Timmy loved those freckles. There were three together in a crooked triangle, other two splattered a little away from them. He loved to lick them. Where were those? Timmy held the magazine with both hands and began to search manically. And where was that cut scar on his right lower ribcage? The one JingYu acquired from a BJJ practice? Where were those? Where those natural shadows in the corner of JingYu's eye folds gone to? Where were those? Where was Timmy's JingYu? This was not him! This was- this was a modified version! Where was his JingYu? No, no, this was not happening, he would not let it happen. Clenching his teeth painfully, Timmy took his cock again and began to stroke it in a frantic hurry. No, he would make it happen. He needed this, needed to feel JingYu. Needed JingYu. But- but it was not happening, his cock pained instead of feeling even a bit of pleasure. No no no no no! He needed to feel JingYu. Why couldn't he feel him? His JingYu....his JingYu....Timmy's JingYu....

Timmy's face crumbled in pain as his eyes welled up with angry, frustrated, painful tears. Clutching the mag with both hands, Timmy buried his face in it, soaking the glossy paper with his tears.

"Don'- god....don't do this to me, JingYu, please don't.....please.....please, JingYu don't....JingYu....Oh god...how long....I can't take it anymore....." He bit down on his wrist to stifle the scream that tore through his larynx.

XOXOXOX

JingYu,

I have bought your magazine. Congratulations. You look magnificent in it. So beautiful. And so unknown. I realized that you are JingYu but you are not my JingYu. I have left him back home. And I saw that you have changed your name to Johnny Huang. Not my JingYu, see? So, my JingYu is officially lost now. And I'm here still clinging to his memory. I couldn't do it, you know? Couldn't make myself hard, couldn't wank. I couldn't see your freckles, your scar, I couldn't find you and couldn't do it. I should have known that the man on the magazine was not my JingYu.

Pip told me about it, about your mag. Is this your first big feature? I wouldn't know even if it isn't. I was the last one to see it. Everyone else did. I envy even those who pass by you on the street. They don't know I could die for what they have. Here even if I cross the entire country, go from one end to another I won't find you. None of the thousands of faces will be yours. And those people get to see you, brush past you without knowing that for me it is a dream, out of reach.

I drift further and further away from you. Like falling from a cliff, face up while I see you standing on the top, getting remote every second as I wait for my breaking point.

When will I break beyond repair, JingYu?

What will it take me to forget you? A lifetime?

I miss you.

ZhouZhou

XOXOXOX

July brought hell for the first years in the Academy. Their recital would be held by mid July and it would decide their future. All their efforts would be evaluated through these performances and the marks would be added to their final score. But the most terrifying part was they would have to perform in front of not only the alumni board and teachers but also some selected audience too. In nutshell, the pressure was too heavy for these young talents. The lights in the rehearsal room and the dormitories seldom went off these days as the students practiced night and day. Even the roommates did not get the chance to chat. Either they were busy or too tired. Like now, Park was alone in the room, taking a quick shower and Timmy was rehearsing at the Uni. He came back after finishing his own practice and now would go to meet Timmy. He would be accompanying the later on violin in the recital.

Park needed some paper clips but could not find any on his desk, hence raided Timmy's. He grimaced at the state of his friend's desk. It was a trash bin. Papers, bread crumbs, plastic wrappers of cakes and whatnot littered the entire surface. Timmy was so disgusting. Park began to discard the things with pinched fingers and found some clips under a box. As he lifted the box to retrieve the clips, the wooden lid fell open scattering the items on the floor.

"Fuck!" Why did all the disaster happen when he was in a hurry. He hastily kneeled down to pick up the papers from the floor when he properly noticed the box for the first time. It was Timmy's secret box! He always kept it locked and Park was dead curious to find the content inside. He looked down at the sheets of folded paper in his hand.

"So, he had been hiding papers in the box? Papers?"

Park opened one sheet.

JingYu....

His eyes widened immediately. He opened another.

JingYu....

And another.

JingYu.....

Holding them Park realized that these were Timmy's letters to his boyfriend. While Park thought Timmy was slowly but steadily getting over his heartbreak, the idiot was actually pining, in an efficiently sneaky way!

He started to arrange them by dates. There weren't a lot of them and they were arranged within minutes. Park hesitated. He knew it was the utmost breach of trust but decided to throw caution to the wind. He felt betrayed too. He thought Timmy considered him as his confidante.

He opened the last latest letter written a few days ago.

...............

JingYu,

I'm sorry I could not write to you in a long time. Are you angry with me? Please, don't be. Had you seen me working this hard and this relentlessly, you would have understood. I feel perpetually tired and sleep deprived. Remember I told you about the recital? Well, it's finally time! And I'm freaking out. Although I chose this genre but this is not my forte. Taking challenges sounds good as long as marks are not included. What am I going to do if I fail? You will be so disappointed in me. I can't bear to accept that.

On the recital day, when I'll be on stage performing, I will miss you more than ever. You are my strength, JingYu. How many times do I have to tell you that? So, I have decided that while performing I'll imagine that you are present in the hall. I mean, I will know you are not really there, of course, but I'll somehow cheat my mind into thinking that you are there, listening to me. Remember the first time you watched me on stage performing with my band? That day I thought you weren't there whereas you actually were. And this time I'll think that you are there when you actually won't be. I'll imagine that among all those pairs of eyes watching me, yours will be one of them too, that you'll hear me sing. What a turn of events, no?

I wish you could be there. I wish you could see me. I wish so many things and they make me laugh.

Sometimes it lasts in love
Sometimes hurts instead...

Who knows that better than me.....and you?

I miss you. I will try to write to you in between.

And I love you more.

ZhouZhou

............

Park neatly folded the letter, placed it in the stack, took all the others and left the room.

XOXOXOX

"Hey, fucker, what's up?"

"I need you to do something."

"Oh, no. No no no, I'm not gonna fall into your trap. All your plans are utter shit. Didn't you see how the last one failed?

"This time we're going to hammer it to them."

"Oh? Will I get arrested for it? Should I make my last will?"

"Pip."

"Yeah, okay, tell me what's the plan."

XOXOXOX

It was past ten when the cab dropped JingYu in front of his apartment. As he neared the entrance a dark figure suddenly popped into existence in front of him, making him jump out of his wits.

"Good grief, what-"

The words died out as the face came into his line of sight.

"Hey, um, you used to know me. I was Timmy's-"

"Pip," JingYu spoke, not very consciously as he was still reeling from the fact that Pip had come to him. Pip, ZhouZhou's friend, Pip.

His confusion only increased when Pip extended a medium sized envelop towards him. After that night ZhouZhou showed him his and Rebecca's photos, JingYu had developed a fear for envelops. He eyed the white article in Pip's hand suspiciously and asked, "What is it?"

"Um, that I can't tell you. You need to see this yourself."

However curious he was, JingYu did not let himself relent. "I won't accept it without knowing what am I accepting." And why was the boy here? After so many months have passed? He could not possibly have anything that would include JingYu's interest.

"I'm sorry but I cannot accept. Please excuse me." Saying this JingYu made to walk past the boy. In these past nine months JingYu had successfully killed all his hopes one by one. There was nothing left. And he would not let this boy disrupt his hard found peace.

"It's from Timmy," Pip said hurriedly.

JingYu stopped dead then slowly turned to the boy.

"Please, take it. I know you don't want to. I wouldn't have either if I were you. But for Timmy's sake, please take. It's urgent. Please."

This was the first time this boy had talked this much to him, JingYu thought absently; his eyes on the envelop.

For Timmy's sake? Was it not enough to ensure JingYu's cooperation? Anything for Timmy's sake.

He took the envelop with a nod and the next thing he knew Pip had vanished, as if evaporated.

XOXOXOX

Hours later, late into the night when JingYu put down the last scanned letter, his nerve was calm, heart rate steady, mind clear and soul poised.

His dry eyes tracked the ever alive night life of Beijing that flowed far below his window. The horizon was turning purple. Another dawn was approaching.

A promise to forever...

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I've been a good panda!😶 Pet me!😚

The names of the places mentioned are all real. The magazine name is not real.

The song mentioned is Adele's 'Someone Like You'

Any thoughts?😶