Heyo heyo!😚😚 Update time!😎 Sorry for the wait, though. 👉👈 I am given four months work to finish in one month.👉👈😭😭 So, I kinda look like a homeless insomniac these days. 😶😶

No rant today. Just some important notes that you MUST read!😤😤 Those who skip it will be spanked.😒

This chapter is what made this story possible. This was the very first chapter I planned even before starting to write ROOH. So, technically I'm writing the first chapter.😅 But maybe because of this long anticipation, I feel like I didn't do justice to this chapter. And I'm really very eager to know your reaction about it.

This is heavily influenced by music. But the song that gave me ROOH's idea is, 'Make You Feel My Love', Adele's rendition.

It'd be great if you guys listen to it👆and 'I Found' by Amber Run while reading, as the emotions of this chapter reflect in them.

And please, read the author's note at the end!🙏

The cover pic is done by me!😶

Oh, another thing. Some of you once asked me to open a WeChat. I did it finally.😎 (ID- abbiebuttonbee) So, if you wanna have sticker wars with me, drop by!😚😚

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Chapter-29

“Can’t you make everything all right? Make everything all right. You have to. Fix it.”

JingYu’s eyes snapped open with a start. Oh, a dream. He had been dreaming again. Rubbing the sleep off his tired eyes he looked the time. 2:10am. Still hours to go. He opened the lids of his window to look outside. Dark sky interrupted by flight lights. With a final glance, he closed the lids and took out the letters from his backpack. After the first read, he had spent two days in a trance like state. He went through his daily routine without feeling anything. Like a automation acting on preinstalled instructions. His brain could not process the onslaught of emotions, the turn of the tide and decided to shut down completely, making his every action mechanical.

The reality crashed on him when he was taking a bath the second night. After staring at the tiled wall of his bathroom for god knew how long, JingYu had ducked his head under water. And held his breath.

His vigorous physical training had enabled him to keep his breath for more than what was usual for a commoner. Therefore, it was minutes before the tight feeling inside his chest began. It started in the centre, a small, concentrated pain. Then it sped up and rose to his throat and squeezed the windpipe. It crept up to his face, making him shut his eyes as they began to burn. His ears began to buzz, temples throbbed and head felt full of cotton.

The bubbles surfaced, first slowly, then at a quickened pace. He gripped the ceramic edge of the bathtub, toes curling in from the struggle.

Just a bit more, a few more seconds, a number of steps, standing on the edge, one step more, a bit more closer...yes...yes...yes....

“ ...if you really did all those things for me, you would have come to take me back home. You wouldn’t have left me to be forgotten...”

JingYu jerked out of the water with a huge splash, sucking in the air noisily.

“I-I have to- have to- go,” he huffed and spluttered and struggled to breathe, “I have......hah...I have to go to him.....”

XOXOXOX

JingYu felt restless, jittery. He wanted to teleport to where ZhouZhou was but at the same time did not want to visit that phase of his life again. It was so conflicting and the dilemma drove him to madness. His love for his ZhouZhou did not diminish in the least in these past nine months of absence. If anything, he felt more and more dedicated and confident about his love for the boy. But those letters, those words had thrown him off the hook so completely that the life he had arranged for himself these past months went upside down. And his rationality never worked where Timmy was concerned.

But he knew there was only one person that would never give you false hope, nor bad advice.

“Hello, Mum?”

“Johnny? What is it? Is everything all right, sweetheart?”

“Sorry...I...I should not have called this late-“

“Oh, hush. These formalities are for others, not for you Mum. Now, tell me what is it?”

JingYu tapped his nail on the window pane in a quick, impatient staccato, matching his heartbeats.

“Mum....Mum, he-“ he licked his chapped lips, “he wrote to me.”

The sound of sudden intake of breath reached JingYu’s ears followed by, “Oh, Johnny! I knew it! I knew he still loved you!”

“But.....but those letters? He did not post them. He never wanted me to read them. He-“ He stopped himself. His stomach felt funny; there was an itching sensation on his fingertips.

“Does it matter? Even if he never intended for you to read them, the fact of him writing to you still remains. And..”

JingYu sensed the hesitation in his mother’s silence and probed her, “What is it, Mum?”

“These letters, do they tell you what you want to know the most?”

JingYu knew at once what his mother was insinuating. He rubbed his thumb over a spot on the glass and answered in a quiet voice, as though if he were to be loud things might turn to ashes, “Yes.”

“Then you know what to do, Johnny.”

“But Mum....what if he doesn’t really want me and this is his way of coping up or- or having a closure?”

“Do you believe it in your heart?”

JingYu did not answer, still rubbing the spot.

“Follow your heart, love. Don’t listen to your head. It is not correct all the time. Follow your heart where it wants you to go.”

“What if-“

“Will you be able to live with yourself knowing that there was a chance but you lost it because of your ego? This is not the time to evaluate who is wrong who is right. This is not a battle of wits, Johnny. Sometimes, it is necessary to bow down to your heart and it does not make you any less of a person. It makes you human, and most of the time, happy. And son, if nothing else, you will have a full closure. Don’t you want that? Go to him, Johnny. He wants you to. Poor boy has been waiting for too long. Go, Johnny.”

JingYu’s fingers curled against the cool glass. Resolution taking roots over dilemma.

XOXOXOX

The first thing Pip did seeing JingYu waiting in front of his house was taking a complete U-turn and trying to flee. However, sadly he was no match for the other man’s speed and therefore had to stop and reluctantly turn back when he heard JingYu calling him.

“Killing the messenger is a war crime. Don’t kill me. I’m- I’m just the messenger, I didn’t do anything!” Were his first words to JingYu, to which he saw the man looking at him as if he had sprouted an extra head.

Okay, maybe he was not going to be killed after all.

After blinking at him a few times, JingYu shook his head minutely, as if to clear something and spoke.

“Did he ask you to give me those letters?”

Shit.

Pip gave him a toothy smile. When that did not work, he eloquently said, “Erm...”

One hand resting on his waist, JingYu rubbed his forehead with the other and somehow that tired, dejected posture made Pip want to assure the man. He had always felt wrong footed with his best friend’s boyfriend, never knowing what to do or say to someone who looked ready to burn down buildings with just a single look.

“Those- those letters were all written by him. I swear I did not tamper with them and-“ he gauzed JingYu’s reaction and added, “and he would have sent them to you if he knew he could.”

“He could?! What stopped him?”

This time Pip did not reply though. He had already stepped way out of his line behind Timmy’s back. Any further and he would lose his best friend status. And by the look of it JingYu also understood it as he did not prod Pip with insistence.

Instead he took a deep breath and asked, “Look, I am not here to interrogate or accuse you. I know you don’t like me, never have, but how and why you gave me those letters behind your friend’s back?”

Pip’s hackles rose again. “Um, I don’t not like you. I do. It’s just...umm...” suddenly unsure if telling the man that he was scared to death of him would be wise. So, he skirted the question and jumped to the next, “It felt like you needed to see them. If this could dissolve the misunderstanding between you two then it is definitely the best way. What is the point of torturing yourselves, right?”

JingYu’s eyes were downcast, looking at some point on the sidewalk. “Is he.....not happy?”

Pip rolled his eyes massively. Honestly, why did people act this brainless when in love? “No.”

He saw JingYu close his eyes briefly before speaking again.

“He- he wrote about a recital in his last letter. Do you happen to know anything about it?”

“Yes, it’s a part of their syllabus curriculum; he is required to perform in front of an audience. It’s very important for him.” He stopped and hesitating for a second more, added, “And he would have wanted you to be there.”

The man looked at him with surprise, then turned his face away again, “You can’t be so sure. I’m pretty sure that you haven’t even talked to him about the letters, have you? Maybe he didn’t really want me to be there-“

“Are you serious? Wha- Is that what you got from those letters?” Pip could not help blurting out his exsperation. What was wrong with this battering ram?! Could he not even understand this simple thing? And he thought Timmy was the silly one. He groaned internally and said, “Look, it is not my place to dictate you something but if there is even the slightest chance of you two to get over this mess, then, please go to him. Timmy wants you to.”

JingYu did not say anything, nor did he give any sign of his thoughts. After some awkward silence, he asked, “This....recital..can you give me the details? I mean how am I be able to attend it?”

“I’ll give you all the information you need. You won’t have any problem,” Pip hurriedly assured. “If you give me your number or mail id, I’ll send you everything.”

After exchanging numbers and a customary goodbye when JingYu left, Pip stared at his retreating back for a long time.

“If this works, you and your dude will owe me a big one,” he murmured to an absent Timmy. “And I’ll owe to that fuckface, damn.”

Life was such a see-saw.

XOXOXOX

JingYu rubbed his hands over his face, the roughened skin of his palm making him wince. Last week was an emotional rollercoaster, a constant tug of war of heart and head. But finally his heart won over. Well, it was a lost battle to begin with. His ZhouZhou was calling him and he would not go?

He gave a sad laugh to himself. There went his nine months worth of effort to restart his life without ZhouZhou. Whom was he kidding anyway? With every fibre of his body he was waiting for this call to come all this time. And now that it had come finally, he did not know how to answer it.

With a tired, heavy sigh, JingYu switched on the reading light overhead and began reading the letters again.

XOXOXOX

Heathrow airport was busy and baffling. This was JingYu’s first time travelling out of China and he had left in such a haste that there was no time to do some back research about the city, nor did he possess the state of mind to do so. And now seeing so many foreign faces, all the signs written in some foreign languages, people talking in different tongue, JingYu felt lost and overwhelmed.

But at the same time the heady anticipation of being this much close to ZhouZhou kept all his senses on red alert. Coming out, he took in a deep lungful of air.

He was finally breathing the same air as ZhouZhou.

Look at him, just being in the same city with the boy was making him this silly and he thought he could spend the rest of his life without Timmy. Hah.

Scowling at his own stupid thoughts, JingYu hailed a cab. He did not even know if he was truly wanted here or not and he was already floating on cloud nine. Stupid, so stupid.

Pip had given him a thorough instruction of where it would be convenient for him to stay, or how accessible that part of the town was. JingYu parroted those instructions to the cabbie who nodded in return and said, “Not a problem, Sir.”

The cab took him to three hotels. The first two were too pricey for JingYu’s affordability. Maybe sensing this, the next hotel the cabbie took him to was mediocre yet homely and the rent suited JingYu’s budget perfectly too.  Relieved to find a place to stay, he thanked the driver while paying off and in response, the driver tipped his cap at him and said, “Hope you enjoy your stay, sir.”

This unexpected and simple welcoming gesture in a foreign land did wonders to JingYu’s nerves.

XOXOXOX

His room had a tiny balcony overlooking a now deserted street. It was half past one in the morning. Leaning his tall frame against the wrought iron railings, JingYu swept his eyes over the city. Somewhere out there was his ZhouZhou, deep in slumber, oblivious to JingYu’s presence.

So near yet so beyond his reach.

He looked at the Infinity sign again. The cold metal balming over his heated mind.

(‘I Found’ by Amber Run)

And I’ll use you as a focal point
So I don’t lose sight of what I want...

Timmy had the most divine sleeping faces. His long dark lashes would dust his cheek, mouth would part slightly, one hand curled under his chin, the other under his pillow. Sometimes he would snuffle and scrunch up his nose ever so slightly; somethime he would suck on his lower lip. Sound asleep all the while. JingYu had tried so hard not to recall these moments while coping up with his life without ZhouZhou, but tonight, as if a dam had been broken, the memories flooded him.

And I found love where it wasn’t supposed to be
Right in front of me
Talk some sense to me....

The first time JingYu saw Timmy- a kid that tried to act cool and failed- a cigarette was dangling from his fingers which irked JingYu to no end. Had he taken up smoking again? That night JingYu had not spared a single thought on him. But now if it were up to him, he would go back in time and tell his past self to imprint that face in his mind for that face would keep him awake many nights to come. He never intended to fall for him, never in his wildest dreams had he imagined himself falling for a man, let alone someone so young. But fall he did.

He loved so much that even his soul was not his anymore.

And I moved further than I thought I could
But I missed you more than I thought I would...

When even after two months nothing came from Timmy, not even a text, JingYu knew that everything was over. Though he knew things were over when ZhouZhou told him that he was happy without him, but he still held onto some sort of pathetic hope.  Love did that to people; it turned them into beggars. But as the days went by he began to kill his hopes regarding his life with ZhouZhou one by one.

And drifted further and further away from Timmy. But the heartache only grew, more and more and more.

And I’ll use you as a warning sign
That if you talk enough sense then you’ll lose your mind....

ZhouZhou’s letters came as a wakeup call. As the emotions sank into his consciousness, it roused him from the slumber like existence his life had become lately. It pulled him viciously from the utter dystopia he had been living in. Each word tugged at his heartstrings, slapped at his rationality to show what an absolute fool he was.

Love was not a battle of Ego. Reaching out first did not always make one weaker. And so what if it made him look weak? He always used to brag about how he could have given his life for ZhouZhou but when the time came, he could not even convince his so called rationale to let go. He always thought true love was all about giving; if he gave ZhouZhou his everything it would be the greatest gift. But what he missed to understand was that that giving also included giving his possessiveness, his irrational jealousy, the addiction to stake claim, to hold on tight when the storm was raging on.

“I want to own you, Huang JingYu....and be owned by you.”

This was ZhouZhou’s desire. This was what he truly wanted from the beginning. And JingYu had failed to fulfil this simple wish.

Now, standing in this narrow balcony, staring at the sleeping city, trying to match his heartbeats with ZhouZhou’s, JingYu clung to his last hope.

He was going to see ZhouZhou tomorrow.

XOXOXOX

With daylights came JingYu’s uncertainties and doubt by ten folds. While brushing his hair with sweaty palms in front of the mirror, JingYu tried to instil some courage into his frantic mind.

“He wants to see you, of course, he does! Haven’t you read those letters? How many times has he asked you to come and take him? Because he wants you here. No, he is not going to turn you down. He said he still loved you. It’s not too late...” He stopped and asked his reflection “Is it?”

If nothing else, I’ll get to see him. That will be enough. It will be. It will have to be.

JingYu looked at the paper bag that he intended to give ZhouZhou, trying to take confidence from the content inside.

XOXOXOX

After the cab dropped him at the gate of Royal Academy, JingYu had to take a few gulps of air to compose his heart that wanted to burst out of his chest cavity. His fingers began to tingle again. Following the instruction Pip had provided, he registered his name with the entrance security, gave his details, asked them about direction and entered the campus arena.

It was big, beautiful and very classy. This was ZhouZhou’s dream; he was getting to live his dream. Without his notice, his lips quirked up in a smile. However painful the parting was, JingYu never blamed Timmy’s decision to chase his dream; he only wanted to be included in that dream, that was all.

Tightening his hold on the gift bag he resolutely headed to the direction where Timmy’s department building was.

There were some banners hanging at the entrance of the building where Timmy’s department was. They were about the Recital programme, JingYu realized. He stopped to read them and felt exceedingly proud......and small. This was ZhouZhou’s life now, among talents, among rising stars. What was JingYu doing here with his small town upbringing and simple collage diploma?

“.......I want to see you..... Even just a glimpse will do......But I want to see you, JingYu....so much.....”

That’s right. That was the reason he was here. His ZhouZhou wanted to see him and JingYu could never ignore his call.

Nodding to himself with renewed resolve, JingYu stepped inside.

After a wide sliding door, came a rounded reception booth which was empty now and after that there was a wide expanse of space that could be called a lounge area with a few benches here and there. JingYu was about to cross the booth but stopped dead on his track.

ZhouZhou!

There, at one of the benches, balancing a laptop on his knees sat ZhouZhou..........and JingYu could not breathe. No amount of preparation would have readied him for the barrage of emotions that rushed in with the sight. There had not been a day after their break up when JingYu did not remember him, did not reminisce about him. But looking at the face now felt like he had been seeing him after a decade of sightlessness. It was as if he was blind and suddenly granted vision.

And ZhouZhou looked happy. He was not smiling outright as he focussed on the screen in front but there was an echo of a smile on his face. Then someone leaned towards Timmy’s left, barring JingYu from watching ZhouZhou in full wide view and with a sudden strike of memory, JingYu realized it was the boy from that photo. The boy said something to ZhouZhou’s ear and after a beat the later burst out laughing, eyes crinkling up at the corners- exactly how JingYu remembered his laughing face. How he used to laugh with JingYu.

ZhouZhou looked happy. Without JingYu. With someone else.

JingYu sucked in a sharp breath. What was he doing here? Why did he come here at all? ZhouZhou was happy. He told him so once and now he had also the visual proof. This majestic building, this hub of talent, that strikingly handsome boy- these were Timmy’s world now. Then why did JingYu have to appear like an erroneous punctuation mark and disrupt Timmy’s life?

Those letters....

He understood, a bit too late, that those letters were ZhouZhou’s coping up technique with their break up. Did JingYu still doubt ZhouZhou’s love for him? No, all his doubts about the other boy’s love for him had long been diminished; he knew now that ZhouZhou loved him truly, he mattered to ZhouZhou. But that did not necessarily mean that a rekindling of that lost love was still possible. They had been separated for longer than they had been together. Nine month was a long time and if ZhouZhou was finally happy with his current life, then who was JingYu to snatch that security away from him? He would not even dream of it.

The calluses in ZhouZhou’s hands were from creating Art. The calluses in JingYu’s hands were from trying to earn a mundane living. They did not belong to the same world.

And hadn’t he told himself that if nothing else just a glimpse of ZhouZhou would satisfy him?

“I know that my future will never have you in it but maybe someday I can be happy too. Maybe I won’t have to fake every laugh or trick myself to feel happy. I will really be happy someday, maybe. Maybe I will fall in love again, go for walks, compose songs that will sound bright, grow old together with someone....”

JingYu gazed at the happy face intently, trying to detect any shadows that spoke of sadness. There was none. ZhouZhou was really happy, finally.

A pain shot through JingYu’s chest and reached his eyes, making them sting badly. He took several steps back and looked at the bag in his hand. Should he still give it to ZhouZhou?

Yes, he should. ZhouZhou might be happy now but he still thought JingYu hated him and he could not possibly let Timmy continue to believe in that lie. But how could he give him? He had no intention to show his face to Timmy. Their story had ended; this was just an epilogue.

A guy was walking by him and JingYu hesitatingly called him.

“Excuse me, Sir?”

The guy stopped and stared at him questioningly.

“Could- could you please give this to that-,” he gestured at Timmy, “boy? The one with the laptop? Timmy Xu?”

The guy, probably a senior student, eyed him suspiciously, “Why? You can go and give it to him yourself, there’s no rule against it.”

“I’m...I can’t... Please,” he pleaded.

“It’s not something illegal, is it?”

“Oh, no, absolutely not,” JingYu quickly assured and even opened the mouth of the bag to show what was inside. The guy took a look and seemingly satisfied gave a shrug and took the bag from him.

“Thank you so much,” he thanked and flashed a grateful, obligatory smile. With another shrug the guy left. JingYu retreated a few steps more and cautiously craned his neck to see the guy was approaching Timmy’s table.

Timmy was now facing his companion; the back of his head towards JingYu.

JingYu clamped his lips shut to stop the shuddery breath that threatened to come out. He was not even granted one last look of that face.

He left.

*It’s not the falling; it’s the landing that kills you...

XOXOXOX

“Oi, you Timmy, right?”

Timmy looked away from Park to see a senior looking at him enquiringly.

“Yes?”

“Here,” the guy extended a brown coloured gift bag at him, “Some bloke asked me to give you this.”

Baffled, Timmy did not take the bag immediately and instead asked, “What bloke?”

“That- woah,” the senior boy turned his neck towards the entrance and looked surprised. Timmy followed his line of sight but could not see anyone. “He gone already?” The senior muttered under his breath then shrugged and dangled the bag at Timmy again, “Whatever, here, take it.” And without waiting dropped it into Timmy’s lap which Timmy shuffled to catch and did.

“What bloke?” Park repeated Timmy’s question then seeing Timmy already opening the gift bag said, “Wait, before you open it. It could be a bomb! Or.......or.....”

Park’s voice trailed off. Or maybe he was still talking for Timmy could not tell. He had been sucked into a Black Hole the moment he took the item out of the bag. He sat still, eyes at it, frozen in time.

“......a scarf? It’s a wool scarf!”Park sounded confused but Timmy did not hear that either.

Suddenly clammy fingers twining into the red woollen muffler Timmy’ gave a whole body jerk and a tremor started to wrack him.

The red scarf....

Hand knitted by a love sick whimsical boy to impress his lover...

A lifetime ago....

With trembling hands, Timmy brought the article to his nose and inhaled.

A strong and heartbreakingly familiar scent filled his senses.

JingYu......

He buried his face more deeply and inhaled again.

JingYu.....JingYu’s scent....JingYu’s touch.....JingYu...

It clearly held the essence of JingYu.......then did that mean...

Timmy’s eyes flew open like a jump started machine!

JingYu was here! He was here, in London, near Timmy! JingYu was here!

Springing up to his feet, he began to search the area with manic eyes. And spotted the senior student that delivered him the scarf. Timmy ran towards him.

“Where’s he? Where is he? He’s JingYu, isn’t he? Where’s he?”

“What?”

When the boy looked at him as if he was some kind of rabid dog, Timmy repeated again with frantic urgency, “The man who gave you this, who was he?”

“How the hell I know? I was just coming here and he grabbed me. Look mate, if there’s some-“

“How did he look? Can you describe him to me? It’s very important. How was he?” Timmy’s voice was shaking but he was totally unaware of it; he would not have cared either if were aware. He needed to know if his JingYu was here.

“Umm,” the guy looked annoyed and uncertain at the same time, “he was like...you...like, Chinese or something and tall and handsome, I guess-“

Timmy feared his heart might explode; he did not want to die now! Not when his JingYu was here!

“Where is he? Where had he gone? Why didn’t he come to me? Why didn’t he-“

“Timmy, Timmy c’mon, Tim-“

Park was tugging at him, trying to steer him away from there. Why? Why wasn’t anyone telling him anything?

“Huh?” He looked at him friend desperately, “Park? He’s here! He’s- where is he? Where-“

Then his eyes went to the entrance and Timmy dashed for it. Once outside, his head swivelled at every direction.

Where was JingYu? Where was he?

There were so many faces, some familiar, some not but none of them was JingYu.

Clutching the scarf to himself Timmy began to whisper, “Where are you? Where? Why didn’t you come to me? Why didn’t you show up? Where are you? Don’t do this to me....no, no, you are not this cruel. You can’t be. Don’t. Where are you? Come to me...come to...JINGYU! JINGYU!”

He ran everywhere and began shout the name. People stopped and stared but no answering call came.

Scared, panicked, lost Timmy’s knees gave in and he fell to the ground, panting heavily, more from the emotions than from exhaustion.

“Is this your final goodbye?........JingYu?”

XOXOXOX

After trying for JingYu’s phone for the last ten minutes and every time being told by the operator that the number was unreachable, Timmy let out a frustrated, wordless yell and proceeded to flip through his phone log.

After making sure JingYu was nowhere in the campus, Park had dragged him here in this practice room. It had been booked for a few hours for Park’s practice and the room being sound proof helped with Timmy’s cries and yells. Otherwise, both of them would have been suspended by now.

The call to Pip was picked up after a few rings. Timmy did not even give him the chance to say hello.

“Is he here?”

“Erm-“

“Is he here? JingYu is here. I know he is here. Is he here, Pip?”

“Um…how- how do I know that du-“

“Pip,” Timmy’s voice turned chilling cold in an instant, indicating the white fury he felt suddenly, “quit it.”

The other side went quiet and Timmy waited not so patiently.

“Look, I don’t know if he is there but he did ask me how to find you there.”

Timmy closed his eyes to steady his swaying body and found the closest wall to support himself.

“Wh-“ his nostrils flared in anger and he needed to breathe in order continue, “When was this? And why didn’t you tell me?”

“Around the beginning of last week. And I wasn’t sure if he was really going to see you, so, I didn’t want to give you false hope.”

Timmy kept inhaling and exhaling; his left fist clenched unclenched all the while.

“Dude…..Timmy, I didn’t withheld any information from you deliberately. I know you think I did-“

“You know better than anyone else in this world how desperate I am for him or…or,” his gritted teeth had started to strain his jaw, “how these past months were for me. And you didn’t want to give me false hope?! Well, guess what? If you did I might have been able to see him today. ProBABLY FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME!”

And suddenly with that all the taut muscles of his body slackened and Timmy slumped down on the floor against the wall.

“He went there?” Pip sounded genuinely surprised, then turned confused, “Wait, what do you mean by might have been able to see him? He didn’t- he-“

“He didn’t show himself, Pip. Just- just returned the muffler. The one- the one I knitted him…” Bowing his head in between his propped up knees, Timmy tugged at his hair. He felt on the verge of collapsing.

“…………………………That bastard! Then why the hell did he go there-“ Pip stopped abruptly but Timmy had started before he could notice the pause.

“What am I going to do, Pip? I- I made a truce with the fact that he was gone from my life forever but this…this feels like final a goodbye. Pip…Pip I can’t go through all this again. I will die. Where is he Pip? Where is JingYu? Why did he return the-“

“Dude, your recital is tomorrow, right?”

Recital? What reci- oh! “Yes, it’s tomorrow but-“

“He asked me about it!”

“What? He did? But how did-“

“I think he is going to be at your recital tomorrow, Tim.”

All the air was knocked out of Timmy in a whoosh.

“He…how..how would he-….how did he know about my recital? Pip? How did he know? Spill it. Don’t you- don’t you dare keep things from me! How do you know that he will come tomorrow?”

“Isn’t it obvious? He went there today and tomorrow is your show. So, that gotta be related.”

“But how THE HELL DID HE KNOW ABOUT MY RECITAL?” Timmy yelled at the top of his lungs, every last bit of his patience snapping at last.

“How the fuck I know? Ask that demented friend of yours. That smartarse seems to have every answer.” And Pip cut the call hurriedly.

“FUCK FUCK FUCK!” Cursing aloud Timmy directed his attention to the boy sitting on one of the stools across him.

Sensing something was amiss, Park sat up straight with a “what did I do?” face. He had been quiet this whole time, much to Timmy’s relief, for he would have punched Park if he started his usual nagging at such a crucial time.

“How does JingYu know about my recital?”

Park blinked at him then cocked his head like an owl, “And pray tell why do you hold the presumption of me possessing the answer of that question when I, in reality, do not even know your boyfriend?”

Timmy stared at him; his muddled brain failing to comprehend the meaning  behind those words, “Huh?” He asked dumbly to which Park openly rolled his eyes. He got up from his seat, came to Timmy and sat beside him, handing him that red scarf.

“Must you pain your pretty little empty head thinking about some inane questions when the most important thing at the moment is the possibility of your boyfriend attending the recital tomorrow?”

And suddenly, without any warning, Timmy’s eyes filled up, “He will come?”

Park looked at him for a moment before asking back, “What does your heart say?”

Timmy averted his eyes from his friend and to the scarf in his hands. He pressed the soft material to his nose again to take a whiff.

“It says that he will come. JingYu will come tomorrow.”

“Problem solved, then! So, shall we practice? Don’t think your croaky voice could impress him all that much but still…”

The jab fell flat as Timmy did not even hear it. Something like an idea dawning over him. Park had stood up and inching towards his Violin when Timmy’s voice made him turn.

“If I want to do something, will you help me?”

Park just rolled his eyes.

XOXOXOX

Not so far away, hours later, in a dimly lit hotel room, sat JingYu with his head drooping down, tired, clumsy fingers wracking through his hair. He had been packing his things earlier, all set to go back home. But he could not.

The greed of seeing ZhouZhou on stage, shining bright, overtook his need to escape. He knew his desire to see ZhouZhou one more time would never dissipate and he would crave for that ‘one last time’ forever. He came here, saw ZhouZhou happy with his own eyes, tried to convey his feelings through the gift and now he should leave. He must. ZhouZhou was impulsive and soft hearted. JingYu’s presence might hamper his life here. JingYu did not want that. He should leave. There was nothing here for him.

But he could not.

“Hope is the cruellest thing that can happen to a person, JingYu. Never hope, all right?”

He looked up at the pale wallpaper of the room with unseeing eyes.

“I promise I won’t hope anymore after tomorrow, ZhouZhou. But this one time, one last time….let me see you. Just one time more.”

XOXOXOX

The next day when JingYu entered the campus, the directions were known to him but he felt more lost than ever. This was it. The final adieu.

Pip had given him a thorough instruction about how to attend the programme. It was nothing difficult. JingYu asked and was told where the auditorium was and once there, he spotted the kiosk for entering the venue.

“Which student will you be supporting today, Sir?” The lady at the booth asked.

JingYu hesitated. Surely they would not inform the students who were there to attend their show?

“Sir?”

“Um, yes, Timmy, Timmy Xu.”

She checked the register and finding whatever she was looking for, handed JingYu a pen and asked him to sign in a box. After that a guard at the entrance of the hall enquired if he was carrying any food or drinks as those were prohibited inside. When JingYu affirmed he was carrying none, the guard nodded and held the door open for him.

JingYu entered the auditorium where he would see ZhouZhou perform. The insides were lit with subdued lights and people were scattered around in that huge hall. JingYu found a seat at the back, not so far but enough not to be noticed by anyone. There was a judges’ panel just opposite the edge of the stage and after a few minutes some grave yet classy looking people started to pour in and fill those seats of the panel and some sat right behind them. JingYu realized that the show was about to begin. His feet went cold and clammy immediately.

A middle aged man appeared on the curtained stage and made a gist of today’s programme. Only the first year students of the vocal music would perform today. The curtain lifted to reveal a spacious stage, two stand microphones and a grand piano. The man, then, announced the name of the student, ID, the genre of vocal music and the student came on stage, thus commencing the Recital.

JingYu would be lying if he said he was attentive to whatever was happening on stage. Students after students came to perform but he was oblivious to it all. Lost in his own world, he replayed all those numerous memories he had with ZhouZhou- happy, sad, bittersweet- and every time his loop would end with a flashback of ZhouZhou’s glowing, smiling face he had seen yesterday.

He could not tell how much time had passed reminiscing till the man’s voice cut through his haze.

“Coming up next is Timmy Xu, 2608, Contemporary vocal major and will be accompanied in Violin by Park Bo Gum, First Year, Violin Major.”

JingYu sat ramrod straight, every muscles of his body going taut with alertness.  His eyes went to the side of the stage from where the students were entering and he watched with confusion as a boy, who was not Timmy Xu, entered. Clad in a pristine black tux, a violin and a bow held in one hand, the boy stood by the side of the piano and then only JingYu recognized the face.

It was the same boy ZhouZhou was smiling with yesterday. The same one from that photograph. But JingYu did not have the time to ponder over the thought as someone else had also entered the stage by then.

ZhouZhou.

And the sight caught JingYu completely off guard and sucked the breath out of him.

Head held high and proud, posture straight and elegant, face devoid of any expression ZhouZhou sauntered towards the piano. The silver Saville Row suit he was wearing simmered in the soft light of the stage. But none of these registered to JingYu as his eyes were pinned on one thing only.

A red woollen scarf was wrapped around ZhouZhou’s neck.

The Red Scarf.

The one JingYu gave him back yesterday.

The one ZhouZhou hand knitted for him.

He went to the piano, took the seat, poised himself with fingers set above the keys, ready to bring the wave of music. But before it he looked at his companion who looked back at him and with a small nod positioned the violin on his neck, bow raised to start.

ZhouZhou then looked at the judges for permission which he got immediately and the lights went out, leaving only a moonlight white backlighting the entire stage, thus creating an ethereal atmosphere.

Timmy’s fingers touched the keys.

XOXOXOX

(‘Make You Feel My Love’- Adele’s rendition)

“When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love...”

JingYu was yet to get his senses back when the lyrics slammed into him. Breath hitching, he inhaled audibly. He did not dare to believe his eyes but could not deny this either. It did not take a genius to add the connection between that scarf and those words.

“When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love...”

All those endless nights JingYu spent with pain in the middle of his chest; pain that rendered him immobile. All those relentless working schedules so that he would not have the energy to brood over Timmy day after day. All those moments clutching the ring in his palm, trying to find the semblance of some warmth from that cold hard metal.

All those moments he was hurting, ZhouZhou was hurting too. JingYu’s throat began to close up.

“I know you haven’t made
Your mind up yet
But I will never do you wrong....”

Did JingYu really have not made up his mind? Was there still doubt in him? Did he need more assurances?

“I’ve known it from the moment
That we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong...”

And once again ZhouZhou answered his heart for him. This was the truth of his life, was it not? That he belonged to ZhouZhou, entirely, irrevocably. JingYu grabbed the hand rests of his seat with all his might to stop himself from doing something embarrassing, like standing up or start crying.

Yes, he belonged to ZhouZhou. There was no doubt about it. He had been ZhouZhou’s since the day the boy came to his life. He was ZhouZhou’s and....

“I’d go hungry; I’d go black and blue
And I’d go crawling down the avenue
No, there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do
To make you feel my love...”

And ZhouZhou was his....

JingYu took a shaky watery breath; he was struggling for air, eyes going blurry with liquid emotions that threatened to pour down unbidden.

“The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change
Are blowing wild and free
You ain’t see nothing like me yet...”

Regrets like poison burned through his veins. If only he had tried more; if only he had followed Timmy here the first time; If only he blocked his way and never let him leave that night. If only he had not told him to get out....regrets, nine months worth of regrets.

“I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
No, there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do
Go to the ends of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love...”

Timmy was singing those words but they spoke of JingYu’s heart. Each word, every one of them was carved out of his love. More than ever JingYu felt undeserving of Timmy’s love but this time he knew that he had the ability to make ZhouZhou happy.

“To make you feel my love...”

Because to love and be loved was the only true happiness.

The song ended, the last swirls of music sweeping over the darkened hall. Soft sound of applause could be heard from the audience. But all JingYu could do was to sit still, trying to ease out his erratic heart. It would not do if he had a heart attack now.

Swallowing down the overwhelming emotions, JingYu readied himself to leave the hall as ZhouZhou would soon leave the stage

But ZhouZhou did not get up.

XOXOXOX

According to the rule of these Recitals, each student was needed to perform only one score but Timmy was not here to upgrade his marks today. He had a heart to win back, a love to beg for, a home to return. This was his last opportunity.

He could hear the murmurs in the wing behind him. He knew the exam conductor would come on stage to shoo him away any minute now and he needed to start immediately. He looked at Park who gave him an approving nod.

JingYu was here.

He knew he was near, somewhere in this very auditorium. He could feel his presence on his skin.

This was it then. His tribute. The last chance.

Timmy rested his fingers over the keys, light enough not to exude any sound yet, and leaned towards the microphone minutely.

“You once asked me to write you a song. This is it.........the Rhapsody of my heart...”

Fingers pressed on the keys.

(**Walk Slowly by Xu WeiZhou)

“You were carrying me on your back
Telling me about your past
Spending time alone...”

The memories of that night when JingYu told him about the things that made him feel undeserving appeared in front of Timmy’s eyes. How a small JingYu grew up being deprived of the smallest things and consoled himself by thinking he was undeserving of them. And now, Timmy was one of them too. He made JingYu feel undeserving; he told him he was undeserving whereas the truth was exactly the opposite.

Forgive me...

“I smiled
And listened to your story
But the vision before my eyes blurred...”

Before JingYu, Timmy had never thought it was possible for someone’s slack sleeping face to make his inside wrench with an acute pain that was mixed with love and sadness. Every little story of JingYu’s past life was a treasure to Timmy. They had made him laugh, made him cry but above all, they had made him love the man all the more........till he lost him.

Forgive me...

“You pulled my hesitant hands
And took a few steps forward
Me walking by your side...”

In those early days, Timmy was desperate, did everything to have JingYu in his life, to make a place for himself in his heart. But it was JingYu who allowed him inside, who opened his heart and home for him, taught him what love really was. Timmy only followed the path JingYu led ahead.

JingYu gave his life a meaning.

Forgive me...

“Please, don’t ever say
That I don’t understand
Or I am not hurting...”

Maybe you have finally let me go. Maybe this is indeed a goodbye with no way to return. But I know you are here today, near me, listening to me, watching me and I want you to know that I am hurting too. I have been hurting since the moment I stepped out of our home. I have been hurting and I understand. I understand now how much you sacrificed for me. How much you loved me.

How much I have lost...

Forgive me...

“The breeze had glided over us
And yet
I can still feel the lingering gentleness
On my lips...”

Eons had passed since they last kissed. The warmth of JingYu’s touch had long gone from him. The shirt had lost its JingYu essence months ago. But still the memories echoed loudly as if it were whispered just now.

“Please, don’t say that
You will continue to stay with me...”

JingYu, I lost all hope and I was coping in my own way. But you came back and turned everything upside down. There were times I had begged you in my mind to come back and take me away but you never came. And now that you have finally come you did not even show yourself. Did not let me have a chance to see you. And this scarf....we know what this scarf means to us, don’t we? I weaved my dreams about us in it. But you have returned it too. Is this your way of wiping the slate clean and start afresh?

“I could not say
I was too silent...”

I wish I went back that night and apologized. I wish I tried harder to call you and tell you what I really felt. I wish I posted those letters. But I didn’t.

Forgive me...

“You held my hands tightly
And did not listen to what I said...”

And you could not hear the screams I had in my nightmares. You could not hear my cries. You believed what my lips said but ignored what my heart pleaded. But it was not your fault. You did what I forced you to do and I understand it all.

“Don’t leave me...”

And yet....don’t leave me.

Please come back. Please....

The sigh that tore through and burst out of him dissolved in the sound of the violin’s ending notes.

XOXOXOX

JingYu had his face covered by his hands and tears were trickling down the gaps between his fingers. He was afraid to lift his head up; he could not trust himself not to do something drastic that he might regret later. And also, despite the darkness, he would have to be mindful of his crying. It would not do for a twenty five year old man to be found out sobbing in public.

But he also wanted to see what was happening on stage. What ZhouZhou was doing now.

That song.....

Once upon a moonlit night, when the wisteria’s whispers and ZhouZhou’s warm presence making him drunk and dizzy with a new found happiness called love, he had asked for a song.

He wanted to be alive in ZhouZhou’s music even if after they drift away.

But he never knew it would hurt so much. This song should have been sung in the privacy of their own world, only between the two of them. He should be the first one to hear it while ZhouZhou hummed it against his skin in raspy voice while JingYu held him to his chest, skin on skin. He should not have to listen to it sitting in a dark corner, hovering like a shadow. This should have been their song.

Rhapsody of their hearts...

Why did I let you go? How could I leave you for this long? Oh, ZhouZhou......

After much effort, he raised his eyes and panicked immediately. The curtains were closed at the stage and the lights in front were on. Among the judges an almost inaudible buzz could be heard, and ZhouZhou was nowhere to be seen.

He swept his searching eyes all over the hall if he could detect Timmy but no such luck.

JingYu jumped to his feet and shuffled to the exit. He could not let ZhouZhou go, not again.

The exit door opened to a narrow passageway that disappeared to a left turn. JingYu began to walk, every step sure and determined, and took the turn to find a lounge sort of corridor. However, he had to slam to a halt the next instant.

Facing him, leaning on the opposite wall a few metres away, stood the boy from the photograph. The one whom ZhouZhou just shared his recital with.

With both hands shoved in his trouser pockets, the boy did not straightened up, nor did he put his foot down that was flat with the wall. But his impossibly sharp stare pinned JingYu to the spot. JingYu felt like caught in a strange deadlock.

“So, you have finally decided to show up?” The boy, Park- JingYu suddenly remembered- had a soft voice with a slight lilt to it.

JingYu did not answer.

“Not going to run away this time?” Park asked with a fake enquire, eyes going wide to emphasize the jab.

JingYu still kept mum.

To his surprise, a smirk appeared on Park’s face after a few silent moments.

“Looking for him, I presume?”

Finally, JingYu opened his mouth, “Yes.”

Without averting his eyes or taking his hands off the pockets, Park tilted his head faintly to his left where there was a glass sliding door at the distance.

“He is out there somewhere. Find him.”

After another moment of staring, JingYu gave a tiny nod and said, “Thank you.”

However, Park’s voice stopped him again while JingYu was crossing him.

“Next time you won’t find him, though, for I will steal him away from you.”

JingYu looked at the side of the boy’s face and felt that it was not an empty threat.

“If that is what makes him happy then I will not object.”

A snort of laughter came out of Park and he met JingYu’s eyes at last.

“Are you sure you know what makes Timmy happy? .............Sure that it is freedom that he wants?”

To an outsider it would have been unfathomable just how hard and deep those few softly spoken words cut JingYu.

Did he really know? Could he still take pride in saying that he knew ZhouZhou better than anyone? If that was the case then the bags in his hotel room would not have been packed.

Without answering, JingYu headed towards the glass door.

Everything could wait. He needed to find his ZhouZhou first.

XOXOXOX

JingYu stood behind the bench, eyes at the back of the lone figure that sat in this far side of the campus field. Surrounded by this massive expanse of nature, Timmy looked small and so very lonely. His once neatly brushed hair was in disarray now, indicating the amount of time it was raked by agitated fingers.

The red woollen scarf was held tightly in his lap.

JingYu felt empty and blank; suddenly devoid of all the conflicting thoughts, dilemma and hesitation. His tunnel vision had only one thing as the focal point.

“ZhouZhou?”

[][][][]

A/N:

*That line is taken from BBC Sherlock's special episode, The Abominable Bride.

** The Walk Slowly translation is done by, Addicted Web Series. They subbed episodes on YouTube.

Timmy sang in Chinese in the recital but I used the translation for better understanding.

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