Update time, finally!😭😭 And rant time too.😶

☝This is me right now.😖 Tired and sleepy and.......tired.😖 I'm in the middle of a religious fest which is practically a week long carnival and trying to write in such chaos is...😭😭😭 And guess what? I brought my work home in this holiday!😭😭😭 So, if I die by the end of the week, my ghost might visit you to get some pats.😭

And I'm eating so much that my tummy hurts. But phood is life, right?😶

Anyway, about this chapter......hmm. This chapter is.....hmm hmm.😑 I have such hopes for it but it turned out to be....hmm.😑 I originally intended for it to be a loooooong chapter but I can't manage time to write a long chapter now. So, the next chapter will pick up where it is left here.😶

Also, read the A/N, please.🙏

My panda potato love to-
IamSam830 and kittycatsc for making those gorgeous cover and video on the last chapter!! I love you guys so much!😭😭😭

Okay okay, wake up now; I'm done ranting.😒 And read.😒😒😒

----------------------------------

"Doubt thou the stars are fire,

   Doubt that the sun doth move,

   Doubt truth to be a liar,

 But never doubt I love (you)..."

- Shakespeare, Hamlet. (One of my most favourite quotes)

***************************

Chapter-30

“ZhouZhou?”

JingYu watched as those shoulders stiffened up minutely but went back to their normal state the next moment. But no answer came. This scenario, this reunion, JingYu had imagined it thousands of times in his head; at different places, in different situations, with different sets of arguments. He had a whole index. But now, when it was really happening, he found himself tongue tied, so much so that he could not even repeat the name again.

A few moments passed this way till Timmy turned his head to his right slightly, looking at the empty space beside him.

“You can sit here. It’s clean.”

And moved his head away again.

JingYu blinked. Out of all the things he had expected to hear from ZhouZhou, this was not even remotely anything he had anticipated. Feeling entirely off kilter, JingYu tentatively rounded the bench and took a seat. Eyes never leaving ZhouZhou.

But the said boy did not look at him, nor did he react any other way. He kept his eyes ahead, posture relaxed, as if two random guys sitting in a park.

This felt..........anticlimactic.

Timmy scratched and rubbed his nose, ran the fingers through his hair, looked down and seeing his left cufflink tangled with a hole in the scarf, released it with utmost attention.

JingYu mapped it all and reeled internally.

This casual attitude, this normalcy in ZhouZhou felt abnormal but JingYu could not detect any visible unusualness in the him.

Why was he not reacting? This was not how he was. What happened in these nine months?

ZhouZhou had lost weight, a lot of it. There were dark circles under his eyes. Hair, those beautiful, soft ebony hair that JingYu so loved to play with, looked roughened. And there was that air of adulthood. This could not be pinpointed if asked but something about ZhouZhou spoke of maturity. He looked the same but he was not the same boy who left him all those months ago.

Suddenly the void inside JingYu grew wider. Did his ZhouZhou grow up when he was not looking? Where was his baby boy?

“When did you come here?”

The question dragged JingYu out of his thoughts. Although Timmy had spoken but he still refused to make any eye contact. JingYu swallowed the unease that was overshadowing his anxiety, hope and delirious happiness that were caused by the songs.

“Um....the-the day before yesterday.”

Timmy nodded. He was now leaning forward, elbows on the knees, the wind making his eyes squint. The scarf was still clutched tightly.

“And you are staying around here?”

“Yes, at Oueen’s Inn, not far from here.”

Timmy nodded again, eyes on the red threads, thumbs rubbing over the fabric. JingYu wondered if the feel of those fingers had changed too.

Why is he not reacting?

“ZhouZh-“

“This......” Timmy cut him off even before he could finish uttering the name. His eyes were still pinned on the woollen article in his hand, “You returned this.........why?”

JingYu’s throat had begun to pain; he was not so sure anymore. Of anything. Finally, tearing his eyes off Timmy he focussed on the scarf. The embodiment of the love they once had, of the promises they once made, of the warmth they once shared. This was not just a scarf to them, this was a thread that connected their souls.

“Because I wanted you to know.”

Silent minutes passed by.

“Know what?”

“That I am still waiting.”

Timmy’s jaw line became more pronounced as he clenched his teeth for a fraction of a second and swiped his hand over his mouth and cleared his throat. He was yet to lift his head or look at JingYu.

All JingYu’s senses went on alert. He knew ZhouZhou was about to say something important. Something that would be deciding.

“Um..” Timmy dithered for a second then nodded at the scarf and got up from the bench, “Let’s go then.”

JingYu took a long time to react, trying hard to guess where exactly ZhouZhou wanted them to go but drew a complete blank. He stood up slowly. Blinking in quick succession all the while.

“Go....where?”

Finally, since their meeting today, finally ZhouZhou looked at him. Albeit it was for a blink-and-miss moment but JingYu would take whatever he could at this point.

“Where you are staying, of course.” And with that ZhouZhou started to walk, not waiting for any response, not looking back to see if JingYu followed or not.

Not giving a care that he just rendered JingYu immobile for the second time of the day.

What is happening? What happened in these nine months? Where are you, ZhouZhou?

XOXOXOX

In the cab ZhouZhou sat on the other side, away from JingYu, laid back in the seat, head tilted towards the window, curled fingers pressed against his lips. JingYu could not say he did not expect this with the way things were going......but it still hurt. And the confusion only grew more and more. Was he intruding? Did Timmy not want him here? But if he did not then why wear the scarf, why sing those meaningful songs? And those letters? And if he did then what was this?

Why aren’t you looking at me? Why can’t I stop looking at you? You want to go with me and yet you can’t look at me? You wanted me here, didn’t you?

The sigh he was suppressing all this while rolled out of him without warning and echoed inside the otherwise silent car. He hurried to cover it up with a cough. There was a time when they had shared their body with each other but now he could not even let him hear his pain. There was no difference between the other side of the seat and other side of the world. Nine months gap sat between them.

“That shop-“

JingYu almost jumped and quickly craned his neck to see the disappearing shop.

“-sells the best rice noodles around here,” Timmy said looking out of the window.

“Oh,” was JingYu’s only response. What more could he say to these random talks? He had no idea what was going on inside Timmy’s head and did not know how to act accordingly. It was as if he was thrown into an alternate version of their lives.

“You, um, you come here often?” He asked. Anything to reduce this suffocating awkwardness between them.

“Sometimes.”

JingYu did not say anything else, nor Timmy showed him another random shop or street and the taxi ride ended with them turning into two strangers every minute.

JingYu saw Timmy eyeing the building once they were out of the car and what he saw in that stare froze him momentarily- judgements.

This was the first time JingYu found himself to be the cause of that expression from the boy. Timmy was not particularly opinionated and never in the time they were together had he expressed any displeasure about JingYu’s economical status. But today...

He could feel heat rising up his body and spreading all over his ears and face.

“Are you sure you want to go in?” He had to ask because nothing was making sense. He was not even sure if this was all happening inside his head or for real. Maybe he would wake up any moment now.

At that Timmy looked at him with the same frown he was watching the hotel and asked, “What do you mean?”

After looking at him for a moment long JingYu shook his head, “Nothing,” and went inside. The eagerness he felt for finally get to see ZhouZhou was gone from him entirely and what remained was some shapeless, tasteless emotional residue.

Sometimes letting go was better.

Once in the room, JingYu felt some semblance of control over his nerves within the four walls, among his familiar suitcase, and scattered clothes. Without waiting to gauge Timmy’s reaction or for the boy to say something, JingYu turned away and began to peel off his blazer and unbutton his shirt sleeves.

“Couldn’t you afford something better? There are far better hotels in this area.”

JingYu briefly shut his eyes to ride out the sting that poked at his recently opened wound.

“No, I could not,” he answered while removing his clothes from the only chair the room offered. He stacked them there to pack them after returning from the recital.

“But I thought you were famous now. I saw your feature in that mag.”

Surprise caught JingYu off guard and his looked at Timmy.

“You....did? How?”

Timmy shrugged. He put the scarf on the bed, shoved his hands inside his pockets and strutted towards the balcony, “Came across it once in some paper stall,” then he looked over his shoulder at JingYu and added, “Congratulations, by the way.” And looked away again.

Stalling whatever he was doing, JingYu stared at the back of Timmy’s form. Was this the same boy that wrote those letters? Was this some kind of an elaborate prank? A practical joke to teach JingYu how pathetic he was? How small? And those songs? Were those even for him?

“Who are you?” Without realizing, he voiced those words aloud and caught the other boy’s attention in the process.

“What?”

JingYu shook his head and turned away, “Thanks.”

JingYu was remaking his bed for the lack of doing anything else when Timmy came back inside and said, “Can I use the washroom? I need to freshen up a bit and this,” he gestured towards his clothes, “is not very homely clothes.”

“Oh,” JingYu bit his lips, trying to make lightening fast decision, “Would you- would you like to change into something else?” He did not know how long Timmy was going to be here. Hell, he did not even know why he was here but that comment about homely clothes sounded like an off handed request.

Timmy gave him another shrug, “Yeah, sure,” and went to the bathroom. JingYu let out a frustrated groan once the door was clicked shut.

“This was a mistake. I knew this was a mistake. What am I doing here? Why am I here? He doesn’t want me yet he is here? What does he want? What more can I give him? I have nothing. This was a mistake, a huge mistake. You’re such a pathetic looser, JingYu, if only you could learn to let go. If only.”

One hand on the waist, the other rubbing the forehead vigorously, JingYu paced all over as he kept muttering under his breath.

“No, no, no. Get yourself together. He is still here. And there must be a reason. Calm the fuck down. Have a talk with him. Ask him what was going on. You have to talk. Yes, talk. That’s good. Talk. No more running off. If this is it I want to hear it from his mouth. And- and he was wearing the scarf and I once requested a song from him and- and he wrote it and he is here....no no no, there must be a reason why he’s acting like this. He is still my ZhouZhou. I can’t make a mistake again. He is still my ZhouZhou.”

Taking a bone deep, audible inhale through his nose, JingYu balled his fists to get a grip over his erratic emotions and went to his suitcase. A change of clothes. One step at a time.

He took out the shirt that was his version of ZhouZhou shirt.

XOXOXOX

Timmy got out of the bathroom wearing only his inner vest and boxers. He had dumped his clothes somewhere; in the sink, maybe. He could not remember.

He could not remember anything except for the moment he was in.

JingYu was doing something in front of his backpack bag. Seeing Timmy he took a folded t-shrit that was lying over the lid of the suitcase and extended the apparel to him.

Timmy stared at it.

He remembered it.

This was the same t-shirt JingYu gave him the first time he spent a night at his place.

Timmy stared and remembered.

And then spoke.

“Still using those cheap street side stall clothes?” He heard himself say with a derisive snort. “All these months and you still couldn’t upgrade yourself?”

What was he saying? It would hurt JingYu! It would? Good.

“Thanks but I’ll pass. My skin itches from those cheap fabric,” he stated with a grimace. JingYu’s extended hand slowly, oh so very slowly, went down. Eyes reflecting something that rang very familiar within Timmy.

Good. Hurt is good. Hurt means you care.

“Didn’t you say you were going to make things better? To make lots of money and the life would be easier? What happened to that?”

JingYu’s grip on that shirt was slackening. Would the shirt fall? Would it break? Could it be glued together again? As if never broken? Would there be cracks? Hurt would seep through them? And make living easy? Breathing hurt. Life hurt.

Love hurt.

Hurt was good.

Hurt meant caring.

“My life has changed,” he said with a smirk, “Or rather, it has gone back to how it was before.”

JingYu would know what before was. JingYu was there when it was before. Life was easy then.

Easy did not last.

“This watch?” Timmy held up his wrist and saw JingYu’s eyes slowly focused on the object then came back to Timmy’s face again, “This is Rolex, Park gifted it on Christmas. He threw a big party for me. Have you met Park? The boy who accompanied me on violin today? That’s Park. He’s glorious, isn’t he?”

You thought I was glorious once. Told me you loved it when I shined.

If I shine black with tar, will you still love me?

“Why are you here, JingYu?” He could not take his eyes off the man. JingYu was glorious. Blindingly so. “You said you wanted me to know that you were waiting... Waiting for what exactly?”

JingYu looked pale. Almost white. Could he not feel the fire with which Timmy was trying to burn him?

“You wanted me to chase my dreams, didn’t you? So, here I am, chasing my dreams, living them. In dreams, in passion, in talent....in luxury. Did you honestly think that I would run into your arms leaving everything the moment you show up?”

Burn JingYu, burn.......and burn me with you. Let’s burn together.

“There is nothing you can offer me, JingYu. I have everything here.”

Slap me. Shut me up. Hurt me. Show me that you are hurting too. Because hurt means you care.

“Our worlds can collide but cannot merge. The time of day dreaming is over.”

JingYu was looking at the floor now, head bowed.

He was not burning but Timmy had begun to turn into ashes. The pieces of him floating away, disappearing.

“Don’t you have anything to tell me?”

Anything at all? Won’t you hurt me like I am hurting you? Don’t you care? I do. I care. Am I the only one?

JingYu nodded slowly, “Yes.....I have.”

I knew it. I knew. I knew you cared.

Lifting his head, JingYu looked straight at Timmy with empty eyes and said, “I’m sorry for being me.”

And passed by him. It was JingYu’s turn to wipe off the grime. To freshen up.

Timmy stood there, staring ahead.

**All lives end.....All hearts are broken.....Caring is not an advantage.

XOXOXOX

JingYu closed the bathroom door, went to the rack, removed his belt, put in on the sink, unbuttoned his shirt carefully, one by one, took off his shirt, folded it neatly and put it on the rack, unhooked his trouser, took it off, folded it, put it with the shirt, went to the shower stall, got inside, turned on the shower, followed the droplets fall from above to the linoleum floor and noticed the heap of Timmy’s discarded clothes.

The soaked silver looked almost black.

JingYu stared at it with unblinking eyes. And then his face twisted up in pain.

Knees buckling beneath, he fell to the floor. Sitting under the water, arms encircling the bunched up legs.

His tears mixed with water and washed down the drain.

“I can’t take it anymore.......I....can’t.....How much....how long......how more do I have to suffer....till....till it stops......I can’t go on anymore......God.....why?......I just...loved...you....why? What did I do wrong? Is there no end of- of my punishment....beg you......Make it stop......I...I beg you.....make it stop.....I can’t take it......Mama......make it stop.....I don’t want anything.....no more....no more.....just make it stop hurting......”

XOXOXOX

After Timmy finished singing that song and went outside to wait for JingYu, he felt light, suddenly defying gravity. His head was blank, existence unburdened.

It felt cathartic.

Months and months worth of pain finally left his system. He said what he wanted to say through his songs. Now he would wait. However long it may take. He sat on that bench with the scarf.

When JingYu came and called him, Timmy knew everything would be all right from then on. Because his wait was over. JingYu had come. Timmy had been rescued.

But it did not.

He wanted to look at JingYu the moment he sat beside him but could not. He was too scared. His last memory of JingYu was a broken face. What if he saw that face again? If JingYu was here, telling him he had been waiting too, he must have been hurting like Timmy. He could not bear to see JingYu’s miserable face again.

How wrong he was.

Gathering up all his courage he sneaked a peak at JingYu. For less than a second. But it was enough. Enough to shatter him in pieces.

JingYu looked..........beautiful. Devastatingly so.

And without any trace of pain.

He looked rejuvenated. As if loosing Timmy did not affect him at all.

As though his nine months were not plagued by pain and hurt and nightmares and longing and yearning and pain....so much pain.

Everything about him was better. His physique was more refined, clothes expensive, hair longer and styled, posture confident. Even the smell of his cologne was different.

JingYu came back but Timmy could not find his JingYu.

Was Timmy a blemish in his life and without him JingYu now was blooming like an exotic flower? While Timmy lived in the shell of his former self?

No. That could not be. No.

JingYu was there. He was there somewhere. Underneath that glowing persona, his JingYu, his shy, soft, ordinary, with holes in his shirt and freckles on his chest JingYu was there. JingYu that could not sleep if they had arguments; JingYu that looked like a corpse that one time Timmy was sick and they could not talk or meet for a few days. JingYu that told him that he would die without ZhouZhou.

That JingYu, his JingYu was still there. And Timmy had to bring him out. He needed to.

He would have to push this new JingYu back to where it came from. This was not his JingYu. But when he finally pushed this new JingYu away why did it not bring him his own JingYu? Instead, he stood there, in this hotel room, lost and lonelier than ever and surrounded by the sounds of......muffled cries?

Timmy slowly turned to the bathroom door.

JingYu was.....crying?

Timmy had witnessed JingYu’s silent tears, seen the man fighting so hard not to break down and that same JingYu was....crying now?

The thread that was barely keeping his sanity snapped at last.

Breaking point.

Timmy threw himself against the door and began to bang it, kick it with all his might.

XOXOXOX

JingYu had not moved an inch from his position on the floor. He could not, nor could he stop his tears that spilling out of him in wails. This was so shameful, he was being so utterly pathetic, he knew. He knew that he should embrace his fate and get going but he could not. There was not an ounce of will left in him. He just wanted to curl and sleep, or die, or just get away from here, far away.

Another wave of misery was about to hit him when the banging started.

“BASTARD! YOU SICK FUCKING BASTARD! OPEN THE DOOR! OPEN IT OPEN IT OPEN IT! YOU FUCKER! YOU HAVE THE- OPEN THE DAMN DOOR! OPEN IT RIGHT NOW!”

Shocked to his core, everything else forgotten, JingYu sat there petrified.

“OPEN THE- OPEN IT- OR- OR I’LL- I’LL BREAK IT DOWN- I’LL- I’LL-“

JingYu almost flew to the door and wrenched it open and Timmy crashed into him like a raging bull.

They stared at each other with widened eyes for a blink before punches and slaps and scratches and tugs started to rain down on JingYu.

“You bastard! You dickhead fuck! You have the NERVE TO CRY SITTING HERE LOOKING NEAT AND PERFECT WHILE I HAVE BEEN DYING FOR ALL THESE TIME!”

To balance himself JingYu had his arms around Timmy and could feel Timmy’s nails digging down on the soft flesh of his neck. But JingYu did not even had the chance to wince or dislodge those hands as Timmy looked at him with a distorted face, mouth frothing.

“You think you have the right to cry? You think? YOU HAVE NO RIGHT! NO RIGHT AT ALL! YOU’RE NOT SAD! YOU’RE NOT SUFFERING! YOU’RE PERFECT!” Timmy’s manic eyes slithered up and down JingYu’s face, “Perfect JingYu with his perfect face and perfect life because HE GOT RID OF THAT PATHETIC LOOSER TIMMY!” Hissing, seething, spits spraying everywhere. “Do you know that he can’t breathe,” Timmy chewed out every word, “can’t sleep, can’t be happy, can’t live because his BASTARD OF A BOYFRIEND DECIDED TO LEAVE HIM TO ROT HERE!”

“NO I DID NOT!” JingYu roared out. Enough was enough. He had let this lunatic, spoilt little prick dictate his life, ruin his life for long enough. He would not anymore. This had to stop. He gripped Timmy’s upper arms in a death grip, intending to hurt and tried to lift his body as much the position allowed him.

“You think you can talk about suffering? You think you have suffered? Do you even know what suffering is? Laundering your father’s money, indulging in every luxury money can afford you think you can preach about suffering? It did not take you long enough to find someone else! Now I know whom those songs were for!”

Timmy lunged at him with renewed viciousness and JingYu skidded backwards, the edge of the sink digging into his waist.

“How dare you! How dare you to question my love!”

“Why, didn’t you do the same with me? Or have you forgotten that night? That night when you FUCKING LEFT ME! YOU FUCKING DISAPPEARED FROM MY LIFE WITHOUT A SINGLE WORD!”

“BECAUSE I WANTED YOU TO FIND ME! I TOLD YOU,” he clawed at JingYu’s chest, neck, tried to grab his hair, threw kicks after kicks, “I told you if I ever leave I want you to find me! BUT YOU NEVER DID! YOU GOT RID OF ME THE MOMENT I STEPPED OUT!”

JingYu’s heart was pulsating in his ears, vision going black with rage but even in that blind fury those words slashed through him.

Those words...he remembered those words now. More importantly, Timmy remembered and had been holding onto those words! Something was not adding up. No no no, they needed to stop this madness, needed act like rational humans, not wild animals.

“-I was nothing. I was insufficient and you never tried to take me back! I said those words but you acted on them. You showed me how undeserving I was. And you are okay, you are happy and it does not matter because I know I KNOW I have lost everything I have lost and ruined and never getting back there is no- no way- no- because you’re-“

JingYu began to shake the thrashing boy calling his name, gently at first but the impact grew as Timmy seemed to be completely out of his senses.

“ZhouZhou. ZhouZhou calm down.”

“-you’re so perfect and I’m broken and I can’t I can’t-“

“ZhouZhou listen to me, we have to talk.”

“-find those- those- scars- scars and frec-freckle- can’t find them- can’t smell- you’re not JingYu- my-“

“TIMMY!” JingYu gave a hard jerk that made Timmy’s head flop and effectively stilled him.

Timmy looked at him with shocked eyes and began to wail the next instant.

“Take me home! Take me home, I beg you, take me home. JingYu- JingYu, please, take me back, take me home!”

Everything had stopped within JingYu altogether; he was reacting purely on instinct now. Leaving the arms, he held Timmy’s waist now trying to keep him upright.

“ZhouZhou, ZhouZhou I’m here, I’m-“

“I waited for you ev-everyday, every day I thought,” Timmy hiccupped, voice painfully hoarse and breaking, “I thought you’d come and take me bu’ but you never came! You never came.”

“I didn’t know, I didn’t know you were waiting for me! You said you were happy and I didn’t- and you never tried to contact me, ever and I thought that-“

Timmy squirmed and scrambled to hold JingYu to himself more, tear soaked desperate eyes flickering between JingYu’s own, “I called you! I called you right away! Pip- Pip called and I called you- booth- booth- in booth- I called you- I told you everything- I was crying and begging and- and you weren’t talking-“

Spinning, the room, the reality, JingYu’s life, everything was spinning, spiralling down!

“You called? When? When was it? ZhouZhou when did you call?”

But Timmy was lost in his web of pain, the net was closing onto his windpipe as he had begun to hiccup more and more.

“-and you- a-a-and you cut the call and I told you I was sorry I begged you I-“ face crumbling up with another bout of tears, “take me home, please. Please. It h-hurts, it hurts, Jin-JingYu, it hurts-“

“Where? Where does it hurt? ZhouZhou, I didn’t- I never received your call, I swear! I’d never- ZhouZhou-“

“Hurts- hurts-“ he was thumping at JingYu’s chest, eyes squeezed shut making JingYu lose his nerve with worry.

And before he could say or do anything, suddenly Timmy arched backwards, baring his throat, the vein on his jugular standing up and pulsating visibly, and let out a wordless scream. A cry of pure pain. Deep and dark.

And went completely limp in JingYu’s arms who was still struggling to hold him by the waist.

“ZhouZhou? Shit shit shit! ZhouZhou! No no no no, don’t faint on me, ZhouZhou!”

With one arm under Timmy’s shoulder blades, other behind the knees, JingYu lifted him up and took him under the shower. And sat down on the floor again.

“Look at me, hey, look at him,” he patted those pale cheeks lightly. Timmy did not lose his consciousness but seemed like was in some kind of trance like state. Groaning, he curled more towards JingYu’s chest.

“It’s okay, it’s okay I’m here, you’re okay. You’re not hurt. You’re okay. I’m here, ZhouZhou, I’m here.”

Timmy coughed and JingYu hurriedly turned off the shower. After a while, the sound of sobs filled the small bathroom.

“ZhouZhou?” JingYu whispered. He feared that any louder or ZhouZhou might break. He looked so small and fragile in his arm. “Can you get up? You’ll have to change or you’ll catch a cold.”

As a response, Timmy held him more tightly.

“Okay, um, no problem, okay,” nodding JingYu manoeuvred Timmy’s pliant body and with difficulty took off his vest and boxers. Neither Timmy protested for this intrusion, nor it ever crossed JingYu’s mind that he might not be allowed to do this anymore to his ex boyfriend. In fact, he had completely blocked his mind from thinking anything other than nursing Timmy at the moment. Because if he stopped to think he might not be able to do anything else anymore.

Holding Timmy to his chest like a wet, wounded kitten, JingYu took him out of the bathroom and sat him on the chair. Thankfully, Timmy stayed upright and open eyed.

“You sit here, all right? I’ll bring a change for you and need to change these too,” he indicated at his own soggy clothes.

With lightening speed, Timmy clutched his vest and let out an animalistic growl, looking at him under his lashes.

The message was loud and clear: He would not let go of JingYu.

“But ZhouZhou, I’m dripping on the carpet and you need to change. I won’t go anywhere, just to that suitcase, see?” He pointed at the suitcase that was on the other side of the room.

Timmy did not even move his eyes from JingYu and groaned again; a distress filled sound.

Giving up, JingYu rubbed his hands all over his own face. His adrenaline crash was approaching fast.

“In those letters, you wrote that you had grown up a lot. Then how come you reverted back to that same impulsive and insane boy in front of me?”

Holding onto him Timmy kept looking at him with all the anguish in the world.

JingYu shook his head and after a moment of thinking, he began to undress. Timmy released his grip on the vest but grabbed his wrist once the piece cloth was out of his way. Hence, JingYu had to pull his pants down with one hand.

Both of them were stark naked now but to none it invoked any unnatural feel. Falling into the old routine as though those nine months never happened.

JingYu lifted Timmy up again, “You’ve lost a lot of weight, you know. You weigh almost nothing,” and put him on the bed. Then get in himself.

He positioned the pillow under Timmy’s head, covered him with the light duvet and lay down under the same cover, facing him; one hand under the pillow, another on the place in between them. Timmy unfurled his hand that was under his chin and clutched JingYu’s hand. A tight, scared, desperate grip.

And simply stared at each other.

“Did you really call?” JingYu spoke finally after a long moment of unperturbed silence.

Timmy nodded, slowly, taking his time.

JingYu heart clenched; ZhouZhou called him? He tried to contact him? He tried to come back?

“When?”

Once again Timmy took his time to respond. Keeping his eyes on JingYu all the time he said in a barely audible voice, “Twice.”

It was a testament of how drained JingYu felt that he could not even gather up the energy to portray his shock physically other than closing his eyes briefly.

Twice. ZhouZhou tried to contact him twice.

“When?”

“....................on your birthday...........and on-“

When JingYu realized that Timmy was reluctant, he urged him, “On?”

“............Rebecca’s reception.”

This was such a big blow to JingYu that he rolled on his back and covered his face with both of his hands. On his birthday he was touring with his BJJ team, out of network. But at Rebecca’s reception? He only remembered getting drunk thinking about ZhouZhou. God.....if only......if that phone call happened then all these sufferings would have never happened and they would be still together. All this time! All this while both of them were waiting for the same thing to happen but none acting on it.

His internal monologue got interrupted when he felt a cold touch on his chest. He looked down to see ZhouZhou’s fingers hovering over the ring that he still wore with that silver chain. JingYu’s eyes immediately went to Timmy’s face and the look on it almost choked him with emotion.

Lost. Timmy looked lost. So utterly, heartbreakingly lost.

“Is this.......?” He could not complete it.

That lump of pain was back in JingYu’s throat again as he gave a clipped nod, not trusting his voice to say anything.

Fresh tears formed and started to pour down the corner of Timmy’s eyes. The droplets rolled down his nose, turned the white pillow cover into watery silver. Puffs of sobs rolled out of Timmy’s mouth.

Yes, there was an ocean of pain and hurt in JingYu, caused by the person he loved more than his own existence but it was also true that he would die before seeing ZhouZhou hurt.

Because that ring was just a reminder of what it stood for- a promise to forever. To love forever. To cherish forever. To protect forever. Unconditionally.

Yes, Timmy had hurt him, beyond measure and the scar would probably never fade away but how could he ignore the physical proof of how much Timmy himself had to suffer? How could he stay away even after knowing that while he was dying every day, Timmy was going through the same hell with him?

JingYu turned to Timmy, enveloped him by his arms and gathered him against his chest.

“It’s going to be all right. We are here now.”

XOXOXOX

JingYu must have dozed off and only realized it when his eyes blinked open, tired and sleepy.

And was greeted by the sight he had dreamt so many times. ZhouZhou lying next to him, staring at him at, his hand resting on JingYu’s cheek. He also saw how that hand was quickly retracted and JingYu felt the loss of the touch immediately. He had been thirsty of that touch for so long. But he did not say so and just silently took in the sight.

“You haven’t slept?”

ZhouZhou shook his head.

With effort, JingYu diverted his gaze towards the window, then back again, “Is it night already?”

ZhouZhou shrugged after a while, a tiny rise and fall of one shoulder.

They fell into another loop of silent staring. JingYu could not stop looking at him and he suspected that the other boy felt the same way.

“I’m sorry,” Timmy whispered.

“I’m sorry too,” JingYu whispered back.

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“It’s not about doing right or wrong, ZhouZhou. I wish I tried harder.”

Timmy opened his mouth but pursed his lips tightly. JingYu knew he was swallowing his tears. He brushed his thumb over that porcelain cheekbone and watched those eyes falling shut and the lips uncurl to let out a sigh.

“Have you....” Timmy gulped audibly, “Have you ever tried to......”

“To contact you?.........You don’t remember the phone call?”

Timmy did not reply; JingYu did not expect a response because he knew what Timmy actually wanted to know. He complied.

“I did. I went to your house after two days and.....your Nana informed me that you have already left.”

JingYu tried to sound casual, tried to say those words in a matter of fact manner but Timmy’s eyes still filled up and he hid his face against the pillow.

A part of JingYu was satisfied seeing that he was not the only one hurting for all this time, but another part, the bigger part, wanted to hold ZhouZhou and never let him cry again. Hesitating for a moment, JingYu started to card his fingers through Timmy’s hair.

“We are here now, ZhouZhou. After everything, we are still here. Still ended up together and that’s what matters the most. Don’t cry.”

Shoulder shaking with quite sobs, Timmy turned his face to look at him and with tear streaked red face and choked voice haltingly said, “I......love you and....and I’ll die.....if you leave me again.”

ZhouZhou face blurred and swam in JingYu mirroring sadness that threatened to spill from his eyes.

“You want to start again?”

“Ye-yeah.”

“You’re certain?”

“Yes.”

“C’mere.”

And ZhouZhou flung himself at JingYu, crying noisily, inconsolably.

“Shh, shh, don’t cry. Don’t cry. Why are you crying now? Why am I always the one doing all the consoling, hmm?” His own voice was wavering too.

“’Cause you’re my JingYu.”

And that was that, was it not? That was the bottom line of their story. They would always have to go on and find each other whenever lost because they were ZhouZhou’s JingYu and JingYu’s ZhouZhou.

As simple as that. Love was simple. Love was about knowing that your existence was a guiding light to the other person, their reason to wake up in the morning, fight through the day and coming home at night. There would be joy, would be tears, would be ugly fights, would be promises and regrets and leaning and stumbling but above all, above everything, there would be a reason to love more and more.

“I loved the song. It was beautiful,” JingYu had his face buried in ZhouZhou’s hair.

“For you.” Timmy’s lips moved against JingYu’s chest where they were pressed.

“But I did not like the name.”

“....................Why?”

“It should not be only your heart. It’s the Rhapsody of Our Hearts. Those words are mine too.”

Timmy lay still for a few moments, then snuggled close and said, “’Kay.”

JingYu chuckled and dropped a fond kiss in those inky curls. The storm was not over yet, he knew that, nor was the aftermath being done with. They needed to talk everything through before beginning the second chapter of their lives. No more plunging head first into the stream, no more hiding and taking decision alone. There would still be arguments, a lot of it but if hearts were willing, they would find their way too.

But all those things could wait for now. Rationality was for daylights. Night was to sooth the wounds, heal the pain.

JingYu leaned back a bit and Timmy looked up.

“We still need to talk, you know? We won’t hurry and skip this time.”

The corner of Timmy’s lips turned down, “Not now, please.”

“No, not now. Of course not. That’s for tomorrow morning.”

Lights came back in those dimming orbs and a ghost of a smile appeared.

“Tomorrow onwards.”

Knowing very well what exactly ZhouZhou was trying to imply, JingYu swooped down, because he could not wait any longer, and captured those lips.

He needed to quench the thirst of his soul right now.

The kiss tasted like tears. There was pain, so much of it, stored in layers after layers. Their tongues swiped over those layers, trying to wipe those pain clean. And finally the pleasure, the hope, the flesh memories began to pour out and they let themselves drown in them.

Their insides burned and it felt so good.

Because love was a painful bliss.

[][][][]

** The line is taken from BBC Sherlock S2 "A Scandal in Belgravia". It was spoken by Mycroft Holmes, Sherlock's brother.

Sooooooo, are you guys happy now?😏 Anything you want to see in the coming chapters? Share your thoughts.😚

Also, thank you everyone who let me know their thoughts in my last non-update.🙏💗