Dear, Everyone. 

For as long as I can remember, I've been suffering from anxiety. My father in the army for most of my life, and I had to deal with him being in constant danger with everything else. My mother has an anxiety disorder as well, making me predisposed to it anyways. When my father finally retired, and we moved to be closer to family, depression started showing up. 

In 6th grade, I realized I had a few of the symptoms of depression that the school described. When confronting my mother and telling her about it, I was brushed off. This, with a lot of other situations where my fears and feelings were invalidated, caused my depression to isolate me from loved ones. 

The summer before freshman year, exactly a week after I got out of school, my brother tried to kill himself. My brother was 15 months younger than me, and have been bullied in school for about a year. He, thankfully, did not have depression - but did it out of impulse. One would think that it would make it easier for me to talk to others seeing how affected my family was from my brother's attempt, but it didn't. It was almost two years later that I finally talked to my mother for real and told her that I really needed help.

I have talked to her a few times prior, however, each time resulted in me feeling invalidated. This happened with that talk as well, but I was finally able to get the help I so desperately needed. 

I went to a therapist, finally. I went to her every week for a few months when money troubles came up and I was forced to change it to every other week. This April, with the pandemic, we couldn't afford it anymore. 

I started writing. I started with Free Falling. This is a fanfiction centered around Miraculous Ladybug's Marinette, who attempts suicide by throwing herself off the Eiffel Tower. I was content in having it only be a one-shot when I posted it on ao3. However, a lot of people wanted me to continue, which led to the multi-chapter fic that is on my profile. I used it to vent for while. But slowly, Marinette is getting better - and I'm not. 

So I started writing poetry. The poetry is brash and does not flow well, but its mine, and I write when in pain. So I started this book. I didn't expect anyone to read through all of this, but I haven't been able to talk to anyone over the past few months, and I really needed to rant. I wanted to share it with the world, and a lot of the lines might not make sense, but its mine.

I wanted to share it so if anyone feels like I do, they know they're not alone. One can submit their poems to be posted as well. This book is not just mine, I want it to be everyones. 

I hope you find something that resonates with you. Within your own fucked up world, you can come here and rant and cry. 

I love you all.

Sincerely,

Grace.