chapter forty
slipping through my fingers

🖤

RUBY LOVES THIS TIME OF YEAR; when the evenings are slowly becoming warmer, the nighttime air chilly, but not freezing anymore. So, as everyone else falls asleep in her grandfather's living room — deciding it's best for them all to keep Max watch for the foreseeable future — she finds herself outside, on a swinging bench her grandpa must've installed in the seventies. She has a blanket draped over her legs, a hoodie wrapped around her torso, but the crisp breeze makes her feel comforted.

She misses California, misses how warm it was there. She's thankful Hawkins is warming up again for summer, because she doesn't think she'd cope with the cold anymore. Ruby's always liked to run hot, but ever since being Flayed, she has gained a paranoid aversion to being cold — as if she'll feel one chill down her spine, and the monster will find its way back in. But, this breeze is manageable, as she looks out at the trees, at the nothingness, listening to the crickets chirping.

"Room for one more?"

Ruby looks up. Steve is standing in the threshold of the house, and she nods, softly patting the seat next to her. He closes the door softly, sitting down.

"OK, we've got everyone's favourite song written down, and first thing tomorrow, we'll make a mixtape with them all on," says Steve. "And we'll make backups, and we'll all—"

"Steve," says Ruby. "Shhhh."

He goes quiet, astonished she's told him to shut up. He opens his mouth to speak, but Ruby catches it before he can, putting her hand up.

"There's tomorrow," she tells him. "None of that is going to be solved tonight, when we can't even get empty cassettes. Or a recording of Neverending Story." Dustin's choice of song. Ew. "... Chrissy's funeral is tomorrow, so I'll go to the store afterwards."

Steve raises his eyebrows, surprised. "Already?"

Ruby shrugs. "I guess her parents want to get it over with," she says. She looks ahead, at the quiet street her grandpa, mom, and aunt once lived. A tree across the road shivers in the breeze. "I don't really want to go, to be honest, but you can't decline a funeral invite."

"I can come," says Steve, quietly.

Ruby looks over at him, surprised.

"I just thought... Then you're not completely on your own."

Her entire body feels relieved. "Would that be okay?" she says.

"Yeah, of course," he says, unbothered. Ruby wonders if he realises how nice that is, that he's suggested that. "None of us should be alone right now, you know? And that includes you, even if you don't think it does."

Ruby smiles softly at him. "Well, it's appreciated."

They pause for a minute. Then, he changes the subject: "Why'd you choose yours?"

"My what?"

"Your song!" Steve starts to laugh. "What else, you moron?"

Ruby blushes, smiling back at him. "We were talking about funerals! My—" She cuts herself off, realising she almost said my grandpa. "My powers have always been, like, calmed by music, so I just picked one of the songs I normally listen to."

And it is — on Steve's list of people's favourite songs, Ruby wrote Voodoo Child (Slight Return) by Jimi Hendrix. Secretly, she thought it was incredibly sweet of him, making the effort to create a fail-safe for everyone... She watched him, running around earlier, and she felt as if her heart was melting, all over again. He hasn't written his own song down, though, which made her look across at him.

"What's yours?"

Steve goes quiet for a minute. He shakes his head, trying to dismiss the question. "No, you'll think it's stupid..."

"Why? Is it ABBA?"

"What's wrong with—?"

"Absolutely nothing! I just thought you were gonna say you're too cool for ABBA — which is an incorrect statement anyway."

Steve smiles at her. "Nah, I'm not saying. It's embarrassing — I'm embarrassed it's the only song I could think of, that if I was wherever Max was, that this song would definitely bring me back."

"Why? Is it the song you lost your virginity to, or something?"

"No? I didn't listen to music when—"

Ruby gives him a funny look. "OK. Well I had some ambience..."

"You're such a dork," he says, nudging her lightly.

Ruby's cheeks still feel flushed, and she can't help but smile across at him. Like, she knows he isn't interested in anything anymore, and that she shouldn't even think about something so trivial when Vecna's running around, but her heart involuntarily swoons around him.

"You were really nice, earlier," says Steve. She knows he's changing the subject, but then, this new comment sparks her interest, so she doesn't mind dropping the last topic for now.

She raises an eyebrow. "Am I not, normally?"

Steve pauses. "... You told the kids to die when the demodogs—"

"Yeah, true..." Ruby sheepishly smiles.

"I meant to Max, earlier," he says. Ruby doesn't have to jog her brain to remember this: the second they got home, Ruby ran to Max, and walked through everything with her, trying to help her process it. She didn't mean to be kind, or anything — she just feels sad, now, seeing all of these people, completely ruined by a world that ruined her, too. "And Robin said you were so good with Victor Creel..."

Ruby shrugs. "I guess I know what it feels like, having a monster like that in my head..."

"Well, I think it's cute," says Steve.

Her heart flutters. She brings her knees to her chest, trying to fidget enough to distract herself from the way her insides are melting. She's one more compliment away from her eyes becoming heart-shaped like a cartoon.

"I wasn't trying to be cute," she says, deflecting.

"You never do," he says, quietly.

"You never said what your favourite song was, stud," says Ruby.

They look up at each other at the same time, and suddenly, Ruby feels like she's seen this scene before. The two of them — not friends, but something else — gazing into the other's eyes, a normal conversation turned sideways. She remembers '83, when the demodogs were their biggest concern, and how comforted Ruby felt, her old best friend back to help her. It's reassuring, just him being around.

She thinks about last summer, and that one afternoon before she was possessed, when she met him at Scoops Ahoy. She thinks of him, bringing that huge ice cream sundae for them to share, and how much thought he put into everything. She remembers that same evening, them playing records, dancing along to Grease. "You do something to do me," he told her, and even the memory makes Ruby's insides squirm with butterflies. It all feels like it happened yesterday... She wishes it was yesterday, before all of this went haywire. Before the labyrinth of responsibilities and duties came in the way.

"Um." Ruby fidgets again, feeling uncomfortable. "Maybe we should call it a night."

"Yeah," says Steve.

As Ruby gets up, carrying the blanket in her arms, Steve looks across at her, waiting for her to walk inside before he does. She walks past him, and Steve remembers every little touch between them, that electricity he used to be obsessed with — he felt it the other night, the first time in months in spite of his now-chaotic love life. And now, as she walks past him, he wishes it never had to change. Fucking Mind Flayer, man, he thinks, stepping inside and locking the door.

🖤

RUBY HATES FUNERALS — SHE knows everyone says that, because it would be weird not to, but she cannot stand them. Every time she steps into a cold church, everyone dressed in black, the sound of quiet conversation and sniffling noses, it makes her skin crawl. She remembers her dad's and auntie's ones last summer, and her mom's... No. She shuts that thought down before the memories come back, flooding her thoughts and letting out the waterworks. Ruby doesn't cry, and Ruby will not think about her mom's funeral.

Steve drove, since they went to his first to get a suit. Thankfully, Ruby had a black pencil skirt packed, and she found a black cardigan in her mom's wardrobe. Her auntie Carrie had a black blazer — probably for a job interview, when she was in high school and had a whole life ahead of her, before she was killed by her Flayed niece — which Ruby threw on top. You can see the last inch and a half of her skirt, thank God, but she found the highest denier of tights to make the mini skirt seem a little less mini.

"It's so nice to see you two together," Steve's mom said, before the two left.

Steve had rolled his eyes. "Mom..."

"It is! You know, I met Stevie's dad at a funeral."

Ruby would've normally made a joke, but the looming funeral was making her too uncomfortable to think of anything witty. Instead, her and Steve awkwardly exchanged a look, Steve reminded his mom they were broken up still, and they drove away.

"You know, that is what everyone's going to think," says Ruby, as Steve pulls into the street the church is on.

He looks back at her, sighing. "Yeah... Sorry, I didn't think of that last night—"

"It's fine," says Ruby, and she shrugs. It's not as if those rumours would affect her, once Vecna is over and she's back in California. But, she looks back at Steve, who would have to sit in the awkwardness that they broke up, again. She knows how this town talks... "If anyone does, you can say you broke up with me. Or that you used me for sex whilst I was back, something macho."

"Well, I'm not gonna say I used you...?" says Steve.

Ruby grimaces. "No, I just meant—"

"I know, but you don't need to do that," says Steve. "It's just like high school, when people focus on that sort of thing. No one knows what's going on... look at you! You've got supernatural powers, and everyone in this town just thinks you're crazy beautiful... It shows that those kind of rumours are bullshit, you know?"

She's looking at him perplexed, though. "Did you just call me ugly?"

Steve's about to park the car, but he's so shocked that he whips his head around, almost stalling the car. "What?"

"You said what people think is bullshit, but that I'm—"

"Oh my God, no! I didn't mean that—"

"I can't believe you think I'm ugly," she says, starting to smirk. Of course he didn't mean it — she's got eyes, she knows that's not true. Come on. The world revolves around her!

"No, you are not — you know how beautiful I think you are—"

He stops himself. Ruby starts to laugh.

"Oh, if Dustin could hear you now!" she says.

"Stop laughing, you're at a funeral!" he says.

"You're just saving your own ass," says Ruby, grinning at him. She tries her best to wipe the smile off of her face — but that's pretty difficult when your hot ex has just called you beautiful — which ends up looking closer to her modelling smoulder than anything else. How embarrassing, she thinks, as Steve locks up the car, the two walking into the church together.

The church doors are wide open, with a framed photo of Chrissy greeting mourners, surrounded by white lilies. And, as they walk inside, the church is packed, filled with family members, town residents, and high school students alike. Ruby recognises the cheerleaders and basketball players from the party the other night; thank God they're too busy talking amongst themselves to notice Ruby Brenner and Steve Harrington walking in together...

But someone does.

"Oh, my God."

Ruby freezes. She turns around, to see Carol and Tommy. Beside her, she can feel Steve stiffen, equally uncomfortable. Carol chews her gum judgmentally, and Tommy gives them a dirty look. But, Ruby's gaze falls down, noticing Carol's swollen stomach, at least six months pregnant. Ruby's eyes widen. What the fuck?

"I thought you broke up," says Tommy.

Carol scoffs. "I hope so — or else, Rubes, your boyfriend's a slut."

She says Rubes like it's cunt. Ruby's blood boils.

"We're not together," says Steve, quickly.

"So why are you here together?" says Carol.

"Because my parents both died and I didn't want to come alone," says Ruby, before Steve can say anything else. She grabs hold of his hand in solidarity. "We were friends before, and we're friends now. And if my friend wants to be a slut, that's his prerogative... He's probably had just as much sex as you, to get there." Ruby gestures to Carol's stomach. "So really, both you and Tommy are big sluts, too. Have a nice day."

Carol's jaw drops. Ruby isn't sure where all of that angst came from — she thinks back to calling Billy a slut during basketball practice, just before breaking up with him — but it felt nice to say. But, she knows Carol well enough to know something equally bitchy is about to escape her lips, so Ruby pulls Steve away.

They plant themselves at the back of the church, at the very end of the pew. Ruby finally lets go of Steve's hand, her heart racing. Imagine the drama, of getting into a fight at a funeral... Imagine calling a pregnant mother a whore — at a funeral.

"When I die," says Ruby, glancing at Steve. "Do you think God will cast me out of heaven, because I called someone a slut in church? At a funeral? A pregnant woman at a funeral in a church?"

Steve deliberates for a minute. "Maybe."

"Oh." Ruby frowns. "I'll just have to stop Vecna, that'll even it out."

"I mean, is a bad thing done to a bad person, actually a bad thing?" he says.

She shakes her head. "I don't think I count as good. It's evil being evil to evil."

"You're not evil," he says.

"I was when I was Flayed," she says.

This, thank God (maybe she should stop the blasphemy... she's already banned from heaven), is when the funeral ceremony starts. A piano rendition of a pop song plays, as members of Chrissy's family carry her coffin towards the altar. They set her coffin down at the front of the church, as the priest begins to speak.

But Ruby isn't listening. Her mind is already weeding its way back her memories of funerals — her auntie's and dad's ones were both in this church, only two very different ceremonies. Her auntie's was quiet, and her and her grandpa later had a memorial service, the two of them, in a church in California. Her dad's, however, was a town affair, everyone coming to pay their respects to the brave police chief. Ruby's jaw felt frozen solid that night, from having to grit her teeth and stop the tears for so damned long.

And her mom's—

Nope. Not happening.

"The devil is here." Chrissy's mom stands at the podium, speaking. Ruby looks up, fidgeting uncomfortably in her seat. "I can feel his presence, growing stronger each day." Take my role, then, Ruby bitterly thinks. "But I know Chrissy's in heaven now, looking down at us, smiling. Happy to see all the lives she touched and brightened... But I also know she's frustrated. Angry. That the monster that did this to her is still out there — still, hurting others."

Ruby remembers they think Eddie did this. She exchanges a look with Steve, who must be thinking the same. As she looks ahead, she sees the basketball team, notably Chrissy's boyfriend — even more notably, the rage on his face. Ruby thinks back to what Lucas said: "they've gone off the rails!" Ruby wonders if her and Steve need to leave quickly, once this is over.

"How can he live, while my angel is gone? I know God has a plan... But Lord, I have prayed, and I just do not understand it. I see no reason."

The eulogies continue, and Ruby keeps on glancing around. She looks at the basketball team, almost forcing herself to get nervous about that, so that she isn't focusing on the funeral itself. But she looks across at Carol and Tommy, parents-to-be, and she feels nauseous. Imagine, if it were her and Steve that were in that position... Carol must've fallen pregnant in the late summer, mere months after they graduated. Ruby's in shock, both because Carol and Tommy will be terrible parents, but also, how are they ready for something like that? Maybe Ruby's too focused on the Upside Down — and why would they, they don't even know it's there — but isn't it insane, to get pregnant this young?

She keeps on glancing at them, glancing at Steve. She thinks about that, if it were them still together, pregnant. Ruby would be fucked — her grandpa would've made his way out of the woodworks, wanting to test on the baby. Shit, would any babies of hers have powers, too? She knows all kids inherit their parents' problems, but the responsibility of putting an end to the Upside Down? That's not fair...

... She thinks about her mom, when she was pregnant. That's similar to what happened to her — Grandpa Brenner secretly experimented on her, trying to make the perfect human. And that's why everything went wrong... What if that happened to Ruby? What if she got pregnant, the baby got powers, Ruby becomes paranoid and psychotic because no one believes her, then she dies and then Steve becomes an alcoholic and then El has to adopt the baby, and then the baby grows up and gets possessed by the Upside Down and then kills El, and then the baby finds herself, nineteen years old, with no mom and no dad and no aunt and sitting in a funeral trying to think of anything, anything, but the worst funeral of them all, the one that started the catastrophic mess that is her life—

"School bag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning..."

ABBA starts to play through the speakers. Ruby's heart stops.

Finally, the memory of her mom's funeral returns. She thinks of her dad, awkwardly walking Little Ruby down the aisle, them sitting together at the front. Little Ruby didn't fully understand — she was confused why her mom was sleeping in a box at the front — but seeing everyone upset freaked her out. Her dad and grandpa weren't talking, so her grandpa stood at the back, meaning that when her dad went to speak, Little Ruby was almost left on her own. Auntie Carrie stood up, yeah, but before she could move, Little Steve sat next to her, and held her hand — just as ABBA's Slipping Through My Fingers started to play.

And, hearing it now, sat next to the same boy that comforted her then, Ruby's eyes well up.

Stop, stop, stop, she thinks to herself.

"The feeling that I'm losing her forever, And without really entering her world—"

I never knew my mom, Ruby miserably thinks. Not as an adult, not like how I knew Dad... How I learnt to respect and like him.

"Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture, And save it from the funny tricks of time..."

Dad would know what to do with Vecna. He would've been able to speak to Victor without dressing up, he'd know everything about the Creels. He'd know where to start, it wouldn't be all on me to figure this out...

"Slipping through my fingers all the time..."

"Ruby?" Steve says, softly, putting his hand on her thigh. "Rubes, are you—?"

"I want my dad back," she says, her voice cracking, bursting into tears.

She can't see anything, her tears covering her vision. She feels Steve pulls her closer, trying to comfort her; she lets him hug her, feeling like she's being cradled in the back of the church. Other people are crying, and she hopes people recognise she's only crying this much because she's only just buried her own father... God, how am I crying about my dead dad, and still caring what people think?

"I've got you, Rubes," says Steve, quietly. "... I've got you."

And, for the first time in six months, Ruby thinks he might be telling the truth.

this took a turn lol

hope you enjoyed tho! lmk what you thought xx