Tu safar mera, hai tu hi meri manzil,

Tere bina guzara, ae dil hai mushkil...

Tu mera kuda, tu hi dua mein shamil

Tere bina guzara, ae dil hai mushkil...

Mujhe aazmaati hai teri kami,

Meri har kami ko hai tu laazmi

Junoon hai mera, banu main teri qaabil,

 Tere bina guzara, ae dil hai mushkil...

Lyrics Amitabh Bhattacharya, (Ae Dil Hai Mushkil, tittle song)

Fainting footfall

He met her again, by a twist of a very annoying fate. It was some day in late 2013, almost a month after their encounter at the King's Park. Dr. Sanskar Maheshwari, already had his plate full, with a dinner with his aunt and uncle who were visiting from India later that day, having to fill in for a follow doctor in the ER was certainly not what he had expected. Coming across the doe eyes twinkling in sunlight that occasionally waved in and out of his dreams ever since he had seen her was not in the agenda. 

She was dressed in white yet again. This time it was a long Anarkali dress, with pearls stitched into the red floral details at the neck and sleeves. A dupatta of sindoor red tucked around her petite waist, and her hair braided to a side of her head, flowing gracefully past her shoulder. There was no mistaking that the girl was an Indian, even without her dangling earrings and the ever present bindi between her brows. She had a swollen ankle and a halfhearted smile on her lips. The older woman who accompanied her was admonishing in a low tone, apparently the girl had been practicing Kathak on that damaged ankle before the instructor had noticed.

Sanskar cleared his throat, breaking their whispered argument and both ladies turned to him, the older one still having a tint of her earlier annoyed expression while the younger one looked relieved with the interruption.

"You're X - ray looks fine," he said addressing the Anarkali girl, rather than her instructor. "No bones were damaged."

"See, kaki. I'm absolutely fine. Let's go back to the class," her tone was playful, a ring of silver bells in the slightly chilly air.

"I did not say that," Sanskar almost bit back a smile at the look she gave him. "There will be no more dancing at least for a week. Then we can think about it."

"Oh no! A week? Like seriously seven days?" She sounded hysterical; you might have thought he told her she had three months to live.

"Unless we live in different universes; that's exactly the week I meant, the one with seven days Miss - er -"He checked the papers. "Gadodia."

The girl pouted her doe eyes wide. Sanskar had to blink twice to maintain his stance.

"I thought you know, the working week with five days?" Her tone was innocent, but he could see the twinkle of mischief in her eyes. 

"Really now Swara?" Her instructor decided to take the matters in her own hands. "You're pulling the doctor's leg now?"

Shaking his head at both of them and attending a call he had just received Sanskar walked away, from the strict instructor and the bubbly girl in white, only to walk into her at an alumni event weeks later.

He was there to give Kavita company, rather than enjoying the splendor himself and the girl in white was roaming around with one of his old school mates. The later seemed relieved when he ran into them. 

"Sunny!" Vikram, his old friend had pulled him into a bear hug, as soon as they crossed paths. Pulling away, he looked pointedly at the girl who stood respectfully aside while the old friends caught up. "This is Swara," leaning in he whispered, "Our parents are trying to set us up." And he mouthed, "Save me."

"Hi umm Swara," he didn't know what to say, but his heart dropped a little when Vikram talked about the possible match between him and Swara. Sanskar tucked the thought away in the back of his mind, to be reflected upon later and smiled at her, as warmly as he could. The girl meanwhile had her eyes narrowed.

"You - you're the doc who made me miss my show last week!"

"Uh, guilty as charged I guess," he chuckled at her irked look and Vikram's odd reaction to the same. The evening just got a lot more interesting. 

Swara was about to say more when Vikram jumped to grab his moment. 

"I guess you guys have a lot to catch up, don't let me spoil your fun!" With that said, he swished into the dance floor and disappeared before the other two found their voices. 

"Hey man!" There was no calling him back, Sanskar turned to Swara, wondering her reaction. To his surprise she started to laugh, her hand waving in the air as she tried to control her laughter. The silvery bangles she wore, tinkled as she did so, rhyming with the tones of her laughter. He could do nothing but stare, at the exquisite picture she made, the stones at her throat catching the light, and waves of hair framing her face. 

"Your friend just made his escape I guess," she said finally dubbing the corners of her eyes to dry out the tears of laughter. "I just slipped out how my last date ended in the hospital after dancing with me."

"Which I guess you just fabricated..." Sanskar concluded, watching her grin at the memory. 

"I don't want to get married, not right now anyway. You just can't marry anyone, just because they are well off." She stopped and looked at him. "You're not going to tell him that I lied right?" She was eyeing him suspiciously and Sanskar threw his arms in mock surrender.

"Your secret is safe with me. Anyway I don't think I'd see Vic again even if I was planning on betraying you."

"Yes, he won't come a mile closer," she laughed again. And he noticed the killer heel she wore. 

"I take it your ankle is doing fine?" He switched the topic, eyeing the shoe.

"Can't we just safely assume that I want to look tall?" Her tone was still light, but there was something different about her eyes, they did not twinkle anymore.

Sanskar did not press the matter, as they chattered away to different topics. By the time the night drew to a close, he could almost hear her tone in memory, filled with a blunt honesty, he could not help but think, she was not entirely truthful when she talked about her heels.

The next time they met was entirely coincidental. He ran into her once more, just outside his office at the hospital. She was dressed lightly for the summer, a floral dress of sunny yellow, a blue shawl casually draped around her shoulders. Her eyes were rimmed red, puffed with the pouring tears. Her makeup was entirely ruined, but she did not seem to care.

"Swara?" His voice had jerked her off the sobbing trance and she looked up at him. It was agonizing to watch the pain reflected in her eyes. Unconsciously, he laid a hand on her shoulder; his mind blank of thoughts. Anything, to rid that look of dejection on her lovely face, he would have done it. Equally unaware she leaned against the support he offered.

"I didn't mean it, I didn't! I - " her sobbing made no sense to him, as she continued to mutter the same thing over and over again. "Just cause I wanted to be loved like her, I'm not evil am I?"

He was puzzled for days, trying to work out what she meant. The unresolved mystery drew him in, adding to the pull he felt towards her since the time he saw her for the first time. Sanskar couldn't recall when they became friends, but they had, and very close ones at that. There was a teashop she frequented, an old Chinese lady ran the place. There were potted bonsais at the centers of the wooden tables, and the tea mixed with herbs that hinted of springs and forests. Swara held the china cup in her hands, her palms against the warm porcelain. She wanted to feel the tea, before she drank it, in her own words. 

She had asked him why he lived alone, when his dad loved him so much and Sanskar explained the entire fiasco with his proposed wedding to Kavita and how they had argued over him rejecting her.

"I left home that night, it was impulsive I know. It didn't mean a lot either, cause I had already lived in hostels half my life. He never asked me to return and I guess I feel too guilty to go back."

"Silence often pushes people away." Swara said thoughtfully. "He is lonely, you shouldn't have done that. Not everyone is lucky to have a dad like that."

"I know, I'm already regretting everything I did. He knows it too. Both of us are too scared what the other might say."

"I have a complicated family," she said simply swirling the tea in her cup and breathing in its aroma. "My Baba was in love with another, when he had to marry Ma. They are still two strangers under one roof." There was a faraway look in her eyes, as she talked about them. Her eyes did not twinkle, and her features were arranged to depict a happiness that did not exist within her. "I always wanted him to look at me the same way he watched her photographs...my step sister you know...she was her Rani beti, Gudia and all that. I'm not jealous," she shrugged then. "I just..." there was a pause. "So I dressed like her, took classes on classical music to sing like her, learned Kathak, even wore heels so I would be tall like her," when she laughed there was no mirth in it. It was simply bitter, an empty sound. "But I could never...he would never, see me with that affectionate look. I hated being the child born out of duty, and unintentionally wished if my sister was never born."

A dark look crossed her eyes and a few tears made their way down her cheeks. 

"I didn't mean it this way. I knew it only when she visited us last month; that she was...that she was dying."

Sanskar pressed his lips. He was handling Ragini's case and knew her condition was already critical. But he was no way near informing Swara of the same. The girl simply had suffered too much, without him adding to her sorrow. 

"I don't want to take her place Sanskar. I just wanted my own place in my father's heart. But now I see why he was so worried after her, she deserved it. She deserves all the love she can get. I feel so pitiful about my own silly ideas. I feel so pathetic!"

"You're not." He cut in, his tone clear as always. In his mind, Mr. Gadodia should have sorted out his life years before. The man could have at least not dragged his offspring to the mess he made of his own life. But his opinion of Shekar Gadodia was not something that would entertain the girl in front of him. "Bad thoughts don't necessarily occur to bad people Swara."

She smiled faintly, setting down her teacup. 

"Now I want her to live, if possible my years too. At least I can watch how happy Baba is."

*

Sanskar remembered her smile, as she said those words. There was a wistful longing in her tone, an emptiness in her eyes. His heart ached for her. He despised the man who in spite of giving her life, could never see the wounds he inflicted upon her. There was nothing he wanted more than to take it all away. If only, the fate would let him. 

It was hard to face that man in the present; Shekar Gadodia, the man he hated with a passion. If only he had not made her feel so unwanted, if only he had loved all his children equally... As much as he would have enjoyed watching that pain in his features, Sanskar wanted the man out of his sight too.

"You can't toss my daughter away like this!" His tone was haughty, even now. Daughter? Really? He almost said something skeptical, before biting back the retort. Look who was talking about tossing people away!

"I'm on a tight schedule Mr. Gadodia," He said, going through the reports in his hand and not lifting his eyes to watch the man's reaction. "If you really don't have anything important to discuss, I should be get going now." 

"She doesn't eat, or sleep properly, ever since Dr. Roy talked with her. You two can't play with her like this."

"And you're telling me this because?"

"She wants to see you!"

"I'm busy right now and as Dr. Roy explained, it is best for her treatment if we do not see each other anymore." He tried to keep his calm although he was fast losing the battle.

"Really Sanskar?" Shekar's voice rose and Sanskar finally looked at him, his dark brown eyes boring into the older man's gray ones. 

"It's Dr. Maheshwari, Mr. Gadodia. And yes, I do mean what I say unlike some people, who have no idea what their words does to other people."

"Are you still holding on to that..."

"Yes. I won't forget it even when I'm dying, that your attitude cost me the woman I love! And I, unlike you, won't settle for anything the fate tosses at me. I, unlike you, won't simply move on. I'm trying to save her, let me do it my way."

"Can't you just..."

"No. It's Swara, or no one else."

He had almost walked away, when Shekar spoke again. 

"Perhaps you can see her once and tell her all this yourself."

Sanskar sighed. There it was the words of a coward once more. The man could not gather the courage to face his own daughter. 

"Alright, let me handle this my way, please."

*

It was New Year 2014 and they swayed to the soft music together. The New Year's Eve had slowly transformed into the dawn of New Year and neither of them had noticed.

"Swara?" 

"Hmm?"

"We've been dancing for a year you know?" His tone was mischievous and she frowned as he twirled her around.

"Really? How so?"

"We started this waltz in 2013 right? And now it's 2014."

She giggled. 

"One might be surprised how you passed middle school Dr. Maheshwari," Her tone was playful. "Considering you have zero ability to count days."

"It's all your charm...nahi toh hum bhi aadmi kaam ke the..."

"Are you flirting with me now?" She retorted with a mock anger, floating back into his arms as they continued to dance.

"Thanks Swara," he said seriously. "If it weren't for you, I'd still be scared Dad would chase me with his golf club."

"I recall someone saying something about rules of friendship, something like, no sorry no thank you?" She had her brows frowned and he laughed at her. "Come on Sanskar, even without me you two would have patched up. You're too important for each other, to live separately. Just don't hurt him ever again, he is too good for that."

"And here I was wondering how you became his daughter overnight!"

"Well you know, great minds get connected instantly!" She laughed, watching his expression. Sanskar pulled her closer, catching her unaware of his movement. Looking down at her, he could no longer stop those words from escaping.

"Will you marry me?"

*

He drove them to King's Park, through the roads that she remembered so well. Sanskar did not speak a word, since the start of their drive, and she shifted in her seat, trying to catch his eye. 

"I'm sorry about Baba, the other day," she said in the end. "He shouldn't have..."

"It's okay," his tone was rasp. "He was worried about you, Ragini."

"I was trying to work things out myself and I.."

"Well, obviously, it didn't work out well." He didn't sound too happy, as they walked aimlessly down a trail. 

"My memories are still confused. I guess it's because of the coma. I can't still remember meeting Lakshaya in 2012, or what I did until I came here in 2013. All I can remember is you and the time we met here, in King's Park, that was 2014 right?"

"Do you remember Swara?" He asked out of blue. "Your sister?"

"My step sister?" She corrected him. "Did we see each other?" She rubbed her temples. "Have I forgotten her too?"

"Dr. Roy said, you wanted to ask me why I saved you." His tone was brisk. "I did it for her. Your sister wanted you to live, she desperately wanted that." She looked up at him, her wide eyes slowly brimming with tears. "I love her, very very much." He finished, in the same matter of fact way.

"I didn't know..."

"You did. You might have forgotten." Sanskar did not let her continue. "Just like you forgot Lakshya."

*

It seemed they were far apart as he watched sobs tremble her elfin frame. She stood at the doorway, her hand clasped against her lips and tears flowing freely from her puffed eyes. He reached her with a few long strides and pulled her into his arms. 

"You can't let her die," her voice shuddered. "Please, save her. Please!" He didn't say anything and let her sob into his embrace. "Do you know what he said? He said he'd rather if it was me!"

"He didn't mean it Swara, he is hurt." 

"Does it make it okay to hurt me?" Her tone was too bitter to counter. "Please save her Sanskar. He thinks it's all because I used to hate her. As if I had cursed her. If something happens, I won't be able to take it. Please, for my sake...don't let her die!"

*

"I'm so sorry about Swara," A voice called him back from the past. She was back to torment him, just as he tried to find his bliss in the memories of the past. "I heard that she is no more."

"Did your dad tell you that?" He asked with a sarcastic grin. "He's good at that kind of stuff."

"You don't like him much, do you?" 

"I wish you stop it Ragini."

Pardon me?"

"Trying to know me. I wish you stop it."

"I'm sorry," her eyes were glossy again. He hated that look in them, almost begging him to let her in. "I just wanted to share your pain; we've been through the same thing."

"We've not." He snapped. "You've already forgotten Lakshya, I haven't forgotten her."

"What's the point of holding on to someone who won't come back? I'm sure it saddens her, from wherever she is watching, that you are still..."

"I love her," he said, meeting her eye with a firm look. "I'm sorry that I gave you hope by pretending to be Lakshya, but I don't wish to take his place and I won't let you take hers either."

She looked stunned, her features paled considerably. 

"Please know this Ragini, you have no place in my life."

*

Even in his worst nightmares, she was not motionless. Sanskar thought as his fingers ran through her hair, unintentionally. She had not recovered consciousness for a long while now and he was starting to get scared. It was not the way he had planned to tell her. It all went wrong from the moment she overheard the phone call he made to his Dad, informing him about Ragini's death. 

He did not notice her presence until Kavita knocked at the door.

"My office," she said shortly, tilting her head to point the passage outside, before walking away. He followed her, wondering what blow was waiting for him next.

"What exactly is wrong with her?" He asked as soon as they entered her office. Kavita sighed, tossing her coat to the sofa and taking her seat behind the desk. 

"She is losing the battle Sunny; they simply drove her off the edge."

"No," he muttered stubbornly.

"Well as much as it hurts me, yes. You see Ragini's death has affected her too much. I guess it is partly because Mr. Gadodia blamed it on her for no apparent reason. I guess he was under the pressure himself, too guilty that he left his sick daughter alone when she needed him. But that does not justify pinning the blame of her death on his other child. The guilt he induced in her is eating her away and partly it is because Swara always wanted to be Ragini. At least in her father's eye."

"What you mean is..?"

"It's not Munchausen Syndrome as I thought first. She is losing herself bit by bit. You see she believes she is Ragini, with a terminal illness. She is dying, because Ragini she knew was dying."

"So she is Ragini, visiting her Baba in Perth to get herself treated?"

Kavita nodded.

"Um hm. That way, Ragini is alive, so her Baba should be happy. She is no longer guilty and she gets the love she wanted always."

"But,"

"I know. This can't go on forever. One day Swara will be completely gone and Ragini will overtake her persona. She'll wake up as Ragini someday."

Sanskar buried his face in his hands, Kavita watched him, her own lips twitching. She bit her lower lip and sighed.

"Please Sunny, hold yourself together. She - needs you."

"What are you suggesting we do?"

"We need to assure her that, Swara is very much needed. That she is wrong in thinking nobody wants her, and she should have died instead of Ragini."

"Doesn't she realize how much I need her?"

"If she doesn't at the moment, we need to make her realize that." Kavita assured him. "I don't doubt she loved you, it's just that, she loved her baba a little more. She had yearned for his love a little longer. You gave your heart freely Sunny, but you didn't realize how drained she was from battling for her father's affection."

"Tell me what I should do?"

Kavita did not answer immediately. 

"It's going to be hard. It will hurt you a lot more than it sounds when I'm suggesting this."

"Nothing can hurt more than watching her slipping away K, watching her retreat to some depth I can't follow. I don't think anything can hurt more."

"Okay then. First we need to deal with this Ragini dying problem. I guess Lakshya can solve that."

"But that guy is no more."

"We know it, Swara doesn't. I'm sure she doesn't even know how he looked like. The most she know is what she heard from Ragini when she was living with them. If my guess is correct, she would have pictured you in the place of Lakshya. So you won't have any problem convincing her to agree for her surgery."

"Then what?"

"We'll put her out and get her around once more. When she regains her consciousness she has to believe the surgery was successful and she is alive. One problem solved."

Sanskar said nothing, as he considered the idea. 

"Then she will notice that it's not 2014 but 2016. She will try to find answers, as to what happened for two years. And we will let her hunt for them...Whatever happens you must not accept Ragini. She will try to hold on to this illusion of hers, she will try to fit everything of her reality to this alternate reality she has created for herself. You will be the biggest piece she'd try to collect. You must not let her do that. She is falling; don't let her drag you along."

*

She felt pathetic. What had she been doing? What would Lakshya think about her, if he was to know, how easily she had forgotten him? But then again, she had turned her back on Lakshya so easily, told him that they could never happen with her voice and resolve firm. It was not Lakshya who promised to wait for her. It was not Lakshya she had finally given in. That had been Sanskar. 

She knelt at the window of her sister's room; the one her step mother made her stay in, when she returned. Tears drained down her face, how could he talk like that? Did he not see how those words hurt her? She never wanted her sister's place, she just wanted a place of her own. At the same time she felt jealous of that unseen sister of hers. How deeply she was loved. It remained even when she was no more. Even when there was a chance to move on, he chose to hold on to her. How deep could that love be. Closing her eyes, with tear strained lashes, she wondered how it must have felt, to be loved so deeply that even death would not end your existence.  

Her eyes fell on the motionless guitar at the corner opposite. The lazy sun strokes played across its polished surface. Unconsciously she picked it up, and ran an absentminded hand over the strings. From her oblivious fingers issued a familiar melody. The one Sanskar had played when he visited her under Lakshya's guise that evening. Then suddenly a memory struck her. 

"Teach me," she said, trying to hold the guitar correctly, and Sanskar casually sitting on a windowsill grinned at her attempts. 

"I'm not a good teacher," he said shrugging. "I'd end up confusing you further."

She stomped her foot, the guitar dangling around her shoulders from its belt. He eyed it with worry, as if she might damage his beloved instrument and stood up rather unwillingly from his cozy corner.

Before she knew it, his arms went around her from behind, pulling her arms with his, bringing them to the correct positing to hold the instrument. His warm fingers, guided hers to hold a code, and he strummed the strings, making music. 

"That's C major." His voice sounded so close to her ear, his breath tickling her skin. She closed her eyes automatically, as he adjusted her fingers again. "This is G major."

She did not hear the music anymore, her own heart beat was too loud in her ears and he chuckled at her expression.

"I did tell you  right? I'm not a good teacher."

She sighed, the trance broken and took the guitar off. 

"I'm glad you didn't teach anyone else,"

"Jealous much?" He laughed, loud and boyish, at the look in her face as she imagined him teaching to some other girl, the same way. 

The laughter rang in her ear as she grabbed the nearest corner of her sofa to steady herself. That memory, it did not belong to Ragini. It was not Ragini in his arms, but Swara. Why was she remembering Swara?

*

"Where is he?" She was close to tears, Kavita looked at her with her usual unemotional stare. 

"I don't know."

"You do. You do, Dr. Roy please tell me, where is he?"

"Why are you looking for him Ragini? He said he want nothing to do with you, didn't he?"

"You don't understand. It's important. I need to stop him! He can't leave me like this."

She watched her for a long while and then sighed.

"He's at the airport, you need to hurry."

*

He felt like Orpheus climbing back to the mortal realm. He could no longer hear Eurydice behind him. At that moment, when his flight was announced, he knew exactly how the mythical hero might have felt. He felt empty, his heart beating dully inside his ribcage. The little hope he had was slipping away fast. He wanted nothing more, but turn around and run to her. Take her in his arms and hold her tight. Never mind, who she believed she was, as long as she was there with him, safe and sound. He almost did so, before a much stronger part of his mind, stopped him.

That would not be love, would it? If he just let her slip into an illusion, just because he could not take the moments he had to bear without her? She had yearned for love, her entire life that she went as far as to dissolve herself in another's identity to get it. Would it be loving her, if he let her? 

Sanskar loved Swara. Not Ragini. He would not love Ragini, even if she had Swara's face. Her features, had nothing to do with what he felt for her. It was not that simple. He loved her as a person, someone who could not be replaced by anyone. Not even her alternate personality. 

He would not turn around, even if it ripped him apart. If she loved him, even for a tad bit of a moment, she would follow. His love deserved that. 

No matter if it took her an eternity, there was enough time to wait.

No sound yet. He kept walking, not really expecting anything anymore.

There were memories he was taking with him. Memories of him and her. He could no longer bear another speaking in her voice, another staring out from her eyes. It's better if he walked away, and waited for her to follow. Some battles were better fought apart.

"Sanskar?" 

He did not want to stop, but his feet did. He heard her heels ticking on the tiled floor as she reached him. His hold around the handle of his luggage tightened, but he did not turn around to look.

She was stood at his shoulder, still a head shorter even in her heels. Her fingers gently wrapped themselves around his elbow, before she spoke next.

"You said bad thoughts don't necessarily occur to bad people right?" He did not reply, for he couldn't believe what he heard.

"When you proposed me at New Year, I said I wanted a more romantic proposal." Her voice was low, and cautious, as if she was worried what his reply might be. "Everything you said back in the King's Park, was that it? Your romantic proposal? Did you mean it when you said, you'd want it even if it was just a moment from my life?"

"Do you really need to ask that?" His voice sounded like man lost in desert, who was offered a few drops of water.

"Yes." She replied. "Cause I'm afraid I pushed you too far. I did so many foolish things. I didn't love you enough. I gave up on us, just because I was too hurt to go on. I punished you for things other people did."

"And you made me wait too long to hear that answer." He cut in softly. "I mean who waits two years after proposing?"

She hugged his arm from behind, pressing her cheek against his upper arm.

"At least I didn't make you wait on your knees."

He exhaled deeply, his heartbeat increasing rapidly. 

"I'm not dreaming am I? You truly are here right?"

She let his arm go, for a moment he felt cold with the lack of contact and stepped in front, facing him. Her henna color hair, bounced off her shoulders, doe like eyes glittered with tears, and there was the familiar bindi on her forehead. She stretched out an arm, and her hand gently stroked his face.

"It is really me. I am back."

"You're not going to leave me again are you?"

"Not unless you still have plans on boarding that flight." 

It was her sense of humor that finally broke his trance. Sanskar did not say much, as he gathered her in his arms. Holding her close, never to let her go as he had always wanted... 

***