The whispering lyre

The day will come 

When my body no longer exists,

But in the lines of this poem 

I will never let you be alone

The day will come 

When my voice is no longer heard

But within the words of this poem

I will continue to watch over you,

The day will come

When my dreams are no longer known,

But in the spaces found in the letters of this poem

I will never tire of looking for you

          - Sapardi Djoko Damono

Promises, promises worth thousand heart beats, of breaths I cannot begin to count, of dreams, of hopes; promises that he left behind. Baba drives us to the airport, Shermishta ma, only walking us to the gate. Both their faces has the identical crestfallen look about them, as if it is heart breaking to see us leaving, as if this was not the farewell they hoped for. But I look ahead resolvedly. There is someone waiting for me back in India, there are the promises that I intend to keep and a heart I cannot afford to break. There is no time to waste in Perth anymore.

It startles me, when we reach Himachal, and our old home, without a sign of Lakshya. I thought he would meet us at the airport, that dazzling grin curling his lips. There is so much I would like to tell him, stories of the time spent in separation. But still, he doesn't come, not until that week of January comes to a close.

Ma does not speak of him. There is a lot we talk about, everything under the sun, except the man who had once promised to wait for me. Doubts weigh my mind, until they are so tight around my throat that I cannot take it anymore.

One week. He is not there yet. 

Two weeks, he does not receive my calls either.

Three weeks. 

The February had rolled in. The snow decked mountains are arranging themselves to celebrate another Losar. I still remember my last one here, it had been the year of the water dragon. A year they said was auspicious for new beginnings and the year he proposed me. Now, there is no sign of him anymore and I had made my decision.

It is a sign of how time had distanced us that Ma doesn't hear of my Delhi trip until the night before. I see the way her eyes widen when I tell her, casually over the tea and snacks; that I have decided to visit Lakshya in his city. I was half expecting her to hold me back, for I sense there is something she knows of this entire fiasco that she doesn't wish to share with me. She doesn't say anything, as she sips her tea, her hand shaking slightly. 

"Okay," she says in the end her voice rasp. "I will come with you." Our discussion ends at that, she doesn't meet my eye until we reach our destination. 

It is a modest kind of old house, with a clean lawn and an old fashioned gate. I cannot recall Lakshya describing his house to me; if he had I would have loved the image. We wait for a moment, after pressing the door bell, and an older woman opens the door for us. 

"Namaste auntie ji," I tell her, as respectfully as my nervous mind would allow.

The woman eyes me critically and curiously as she returns my greeting. 

"Pardon me, I didn't recognize you," she says next.

"I'm a friend of Lakshya's," I choose to say, safely. "I haven't seen him in a long time."

A shadow crosses her face as she eyes me in a new light. 

"Please come in," her voice is warmer now as she leads us to the living room. "He had lots of friends, everywhere he went. Some of them I didn't even know. You must be from...'

"Himachal," I tell her, "We met when he was attending the mountaineering camp."

"I wish he never went there, you know." Her tone is bitter when she replies.

"Excuse me?" She makes no sense to me, and unreasonably my heart is beating faster.

"My daughter was in Perth for a long time," Ma chooses to inform. "She doesn't know."

Doesn't know what?" I demand from both of them, my own voice scars me, as it shakes and rises. "What are you trying to tell me?"

"Beta Lakshya...he is no longer with us." I hear the reply, as if from a distance. "There was an accident in the mountains and he...uh, he..."

Before I know it, I'm on my feet. 

"No," I mutter to myself. The world spins and my mind reels. Lakshya, the happy guy with a dimpled smile. Lakshya, who promised to wait for me. Lakshya, his gleaming eyes. 

"When?" My voice is rough; I almost choke on the words as I utter them. 

"It's almost three years now. It was December 2013."

"Wait, what?" My vision returns as I frown. "Is this some kind of a joke? I met him, I met him before my surgery, that was 2014!"

Lakshya's mother stands up and lends a hand on my shoulder. 

"You must be mistaken. I know what I'm saying. He never went abroad so, there is no way you met Lakshya in Perth."

"But I..." I look around, mentally searching for facts that would prove me right. But my mind is oddly blank after the verbal outburst. Then my eyes fall on the portrait hanging on the opposite wall, with a neat yellow garland around it. My feet take me towards it, my eyes remaining focused on the garlanded face. 

"Who is this?" Before I knew it my voice questions.

"This is my son, Lakshya."

 The guy in the photograph was handsome. But his smile was not dimpled. His eyes were not warm brown. He was simply not the guy I had known or remembered. Was my memory faulty? Or is this a different Lakshya? Then why do I have his address? His number? What was he doing in Himachal?

**

Among her batch Kavita Roy was famous for her unrequited love. She was a beautiful Indian girl, with hair highlighted of warm browns, heavy lidded eyes of plum color. From enrollment till graduation of her med school she was in love with her best friend; Sanskar Maheshwari. Everybody knew it, except the man himself, who was oblivious to her feelings as he was to the asteroids orbiting the sun. They were great friends, inseparable for a certain level, and he did care for her deeply. But was different. No matter how profound his friendship was, that was never enough for Kavita. She would watch after him wistfully, her eyes brightening every time they saw him. Her cheeks heating up every time they were close. She would smile to herself whenever someone mentioned him.

But never had she told him of her feelings. Not even once. 

That was perhaps where Kavita was mistaken. She was under the impression that love would eventually happen. Just like their friendship had. She was a big believer of feeling the unsaid things, reading it in your eyes. She thought he knew how she felt, and it was only a matter of time until he reciprocated her feelings.  Or perhaps she was simply too afraid to face the music, test the waters herself. She did not have enough courage to hear his rejection that instead of giving herself a chance she chose to wait, until the destiny would hand her, her love, on a silver platter. After all, who was Sanskar meant for, if not for herself?

But destiny do not let you live in clouds for eternity. There comes a moment when you are brought back to gravity, and the ground hits you hard. Something of the sort was waiting for Kavita the night before her graduation.

Her dad was good friends with Dr. Maheshwari. The two of them were included in the crowd who were aware of Kavita's love. She had been teased for her silence by them many times. It was after giving her four years to say the three words, the two older men had decided to take the matter in to their own hands. If Kavita could not manage to arrange her love marriage, they would engage the two, at least then one of them would speak. So there was destiny, ready to hand her the only thing she wanted in life.

When her mobile buzzed, just as she finished picking up her outfit for the event the day after, she had no ominous thoughts. 

"Yes, Sunny?" Her voice was cheeky as she picked up the call. 

"Can we talk K?" His voice was rasp, he sounded tired.

"We are already," she pointed out, trying hard to keep the chuckle off her tone.

Sanskar sighed.

"Not like this. Let's meet over dinner."

"Sunny boy, are you asking me out?" She giggled this time. 

"I guess I am, message me your location. I'll pick you up." Before she had time to answer, the call ended. Kavita stared at her mobile screen for a long minute. 

"What's wrong with him?" She wondered aloud, sending the text. 

He picked her up before the next thirty minutes were over and drove in relative silence, Kavita kept glancing at him and he kept his eyes strictly on the road. His side profile looked tensed to her, his lips were pressed in a line, jaw rigid and eyes without their twinkle. Dared started to settle in her heart as the silence grew thicker.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked after a long pause. 

"Huh, what?"

"You liked me, why didn't you say anything?"

"I thought it was obvious," she laughed nervously. "At least so did the others. I thought you knew too..."

"Since when," he stopped, gulped and continued. "Did you like me?"

"I don't know, I guess I've forgotten. It was a long time ago."

He parked before their favorite eat - out, but her throat was all dry. There was something about Sanskar, the way he talked, that felt strange to her. He was always gentle, always full of smiles. That night, he was distant and cold. Too formal to be true.

He asked no more as they went in. The food tasted like dust on her mouth; water not enough to extinguish the burn on her heart. Then he spoke again.

"I guess you already know my answer."

Her eyes were already brimming with tears. She had to blink a few times before focusing on him. To her surprise her voice was rather steady when she spoke next.

"But why?"

He watched her for a while, giving her space to collect her thoughts. 

"You're my best friend K, but I don't love you."

"Do you - love someone else?" She tried to rack her brains, recall something he had mentioned about it. Someone who was close to him. Someone who deserved him more than she did. And Sanskar shook his head.

"No." He said then. "It's not that. I think you don't love me either. It is just that we were so close; we were always there for each other. But that was friendship, love is different. I think you're confusing the two sentiments."

"But, I don't feel like this about anyone else!" She tried to protest weakly. 

"You haven't given yourself a chance K," he said with a faint smile. "You are imagining yourself in love with me and in fact it is the idea of love you're in love with."

"How can you be so sure?"

"I don't know. I just know that we're not made for each other. I cannot ever love you as you deserve to be loved."

There was a finite tone to his words, as if his decision will not be swayed. Kavita stared at him, her vision blurring again and dubbed a tissue to the corner of her eye.

"So now what?"

"I don't believe in giving people false hope, that is sinful. It was bad enough that I was oblivious to your feelings for so long. If I lure you into some kind of fantasy, that would be worse. So this is the best I can do, for now. I'm rejecting you."

"Isn't that too cold?"

"It is. But it opens the door for you to move on. Unless you accept that this is a dead end, you won't try other roads at all. Don't misunderstand me K, I'm being your friend here. Good friends help each other, through hardships."

"Won't you ever...?"

"No," he answered her incomplete question. "I'm sorry."

**

The neon lights spun off her vision, as it got more and more unfocused.  Kavita used to hate night clubs, the loud music often causing her brain to curl within her skull and her pulse thump against her temples hinting of a building headache. But that night she had a broken heart to be dealt with and nothing else she knew would numb her pain. This, she thought, looking around at the dimly lit dance floor, straps of random lights cutting through the sweaty bodies moving to the beat. This was the only place that did not remind her of him; her lost love.

She slammed her empty glass against the bar counter and rested her head on her propped up elbows. Her head was aching, and loose strands of hair hang around her reddening face. She had silenced her phone. It was tucked away in her handbag, along with her car keys. She would deal with the rest of the world later.

"One more," Kavita muttered to no one pushing her empty glass away.

"Absolutely no more," objected a new voice.

She turned to find Sanskar casually leaning against the counter, looking at her with his eyebrows raised.

Kavita chuckled.

" I'm getting desperate aren't I?" She stretched out an arm that did not exactly point at him. "Now I'm hallucinating you up."

" Let's get you home," he was already helping her back to her feet from the tall bar stool and Kavita shook her head stubbornly.

" No; No; No! I was thinking let me think,"

"Go home K, phir aaram se socho."

She placed a hand on his chest and pushed him away gently.  

" You need to stop this Sunny, or else I might get my hopes up again." She was again lost in a fit of mirth less chuckles.

" I'm sorry," he sounded genuine but her features did not soften.

" You really have no idea right?" She asked tapping a hand over her heart. "How painful it is? Wait...you just wait sunny boy, wait until you fall in love and the girl doesn't give a damn!"

"Don't curse K."

"It hurts you know, when your world consists of one person and they become oblivious to your existence in theirs." She hung her head, the sluggish drunken tone adding to her agonizing words. "It hurts too much."

Kavita looked up at him, his dark brown eyes looked almost black in the dim light. There was a sheen of moisture in them. She pointed at him, her brows frowning.

" Don't you dare pity me Mr. Sanskar Maheshwari! don't you dare!"

" You're going to be alright," he said after a moment. " I know."

She watched him, with a sarcastic smirk. Her own eyes pooling with tears once more.

" That's what hurts me more, you know? " Her tone was softer.  " Yesterday I was all about how I can't live without you, today I would do anything to subside this pain and tomorrow it would be a memory just a lesson learned. My first love would be nothing more than that..."

"I  know you were worried for me that you came here in an ungodly hour. I'm sorry for that, I'm sorry for all the troubles I've stirred up in your life. I'm sorry for being such a crappy friend..."

All the while she talked Sanskar did not reply. Kavita smiled in the end, a faint curl of lips that was hardly the ghost if her usual grin.

" Can I hug you Sunny?"

*
I'm sorry if I was late in updating. Please vote and comment if you found the chapter to your taste.
Chapter 2 B will follow soon!
Thanks for reading!
Lots of love,
Sakura