Title: The Days

Author: MaryKhah77

Reviewer: Ivy279

Title + Cover: 4/5

I love the cover! It's elegant, simple, and really matches with the theme I believe your story is going for. I like that the girl is wearing a mask, since the story seems to be about her becoming a spy in another kingdom. The font is somewhat difficult to read at points because the color blends into the background picture, but still a great cover. The title is unique and fits the theme, like the cover. At this point I am not sure how it comes into play in the storyline, but I'm sure you have your reasons.

Summary: 3/5

Your summary definitely tells me enough about the plot to reel me in and leave me intrigued. You introduce the two primary characters and create high stakes that tell readers why we should care about them. It does it's job, but I believe it can be better executed. It's wordy and there are a few sentences with questionable structure that impedes the flow of the passage. You also introduced the two characters but don't mention what they have to do with each other, so it kind of feels like it's describing two different stories.

Initial Impressions: 7.5/10

I enjoyed this first chapter. You really set the scene, not only with the party but sprinkling just the right amount of world building throughout. It allowed the reader to feel engaged without it being an info dump. Your protagonist is likable, I felt immediately invested in her journey. You did a great job introducing the character dynamics between her and the prince, indulging in their friendship and history. The pace of the chapter was also commendable, giving us both mid chapter action as well as a heart wrenching cliff-hanger. From a plot, character, and hooking the reader standpoint you received all points. The reason I took a few points off was due to the fact that the writing itself could use some revision. I will go more detail in the next sections of this review. However, I read that you are in your early teens and this is your first story, so I know that certain writing mechanics will come with age and practice. You are writing significantly better than I was at your age! Anyone can learn to write well in English, but not everyone has the level of creativity that you have. That can't be taught, you were born talented!

Grammar + Punctuation: 8/10

I am not a grammar expert, but overall I noticed very few mistakes. I really had to go looking for them, and the ones I found were not distracting from the story.

One problem I noticed was the tense shifts. Your writing is regularly in past tense, but occasionally you slip into present tense. For example: The queen looks over to Jane, The queen lifts her hand. 

"Alleaigh rests her hand onto Leyn's shoulder." -- again, present tense.

I added a couple of sentences that I feel could be revised for better flow:

"At seven, Gillian had caught Jane slip food into her mouth during an event."

"Being a blonde, that wasn't working too well in her favor."

..."more black haired women are in Allrand and any other country." --I believe you mean than in any other country

"Jane's hair was much more ... whiter." --You can either say much whiter or more whiter, I don't think you need both words.

Characterisation: 10/10

I really like Jane, she's a strong, independent heroine that we can easily identify with. I especially like her morning mantra you shared with us. I'm all for a feisty female protagonist we can cheer for. You show us her rough edges, but I love that you paint her with many sides. She's also a kind friend, a strong warrier, and a loyal servant to the throne. There are some holes in her history, since she was given away as a baby, but I'm hoping we learn more about her family history as the story progresses!

Gillian, like Jane, is also well rounded. He's a playful friend, a loving son, and a respectable prince. You introduce a large number of characters in the first few chapters, but the lime light is definitely focused on these two heavily enough that I still get a great sense of who they are and what's important to them. I lost track of some side characters, but overall I think it was well done. You've left room for character development, and I'm excited to see where you take them!

Writing Style: 2/5

I scored this on the lower end compared to your other scores mostly due to cluttered sentences, repetitive word choices and questionable sentence structures. These can all easily be improved with practice. I added a few excerpts below to comment on as examples, but what I point out can be applicable to the entire story as a whole.

You use the term was/has A LOT, when it can be removed without changing the context of the story. For example: was standing vs stood, had ordered vs had, was already growing bored vs grew bored. I am not asking for you to remove was/had from your writing permanently, just notice that the repetition can feel dull to writers-- especially filler words. Change up your sentence structures, add variety to your vocabulary, make it fun! Don't use 10 words if 5 words will suffice. Here is a link to a longer article on how to declutter your writing: 

https://thewritelife.com/declutter-writing/

Another thing that all authors struggle with, showing rather than telling. You're telling us everyone was standing around and she was watching. You're telling us that she was growing bored. Try to show us some of these things with her actions, like maybe she sighs or rolls her eyes or taps her foot impatiently. It's an opening scene, describe what "everyone" looks like. Are we at some grand gala or an intimate get together, how are they dressed/?

Try to avoid using the same words in quick succession, such as:

"Then give her this piece of advice... give this advice to her."

The blurb below, like the one above, is wordy and more tell that show. You use so many words here yet so many questions are unanswered. Don't tell us there was something about the man, show us through what she's seeing or feeling. What does it mean she didn't remember seeing a man dressed the way he was dressed? That sentence is the king of wordy and tells me absolutely no information. What is he wearing, why is it out of place, why is it important she remembers that dress? I have so many questions!

And another tip, sometimes longer sentences with a great deal of action can read better broken into multiple shorter sentences. This action is supposed to happen rather quickly, I assume, yet the long sentences makes it feel slowed down and confusing. Ex:

"Her armor clattered against his body when she flung herself onto him, pinned him down at the ground, and took his wrists and secured them over his head."

Plot + Originality: 9/10

Your story line is great, doesn't feel overused although there are some common themes. Your characters are charismatic enough to bring your story to life, really creating depth into the world with their history. I was a fan of the world building that's been set, and some of the controversy that's been brought to light between the different kingdoms. The pace of your story was well done, advancing the plot quickly enough to keep it exciting but not so quickly that things were confusing. You have set up many different threads to be unraveled, and everything seems to be falling into place. My only gripe is that it doesn't seem realistic to me that they would announce that they were going to send her as a spy, especially if they've already found one spy in their midst. Truly, I think it would be a poor decision. If anything, they should send someone who's barely known in their kingdom so she wouldn't be recognized by other spies, and the less people who know about this happening the better.

OVERALL SCORE: 43.5/55

I love the graphic work that you've done, but I noticed you have seven chapters before readers get to any actual story. I think this may be a turn off for many readers, especially if they're on the mobile app and trying to scroll to the point where they can get to the story. It can be very distracting. You have so much talent and so much potential for someone your age! Thank you so much for letting me be a part of your writing journey. I hope this was helpful for you.