Title: The Next Time

Author: NightsOfSummer

Reviewer: Tumike-John

Summary: 2/5

Writing a summary, I know, can be very difficult, as this is the first part the reader sees before deciding to go on with the adventure. There needs to be a plot, hook, and the character which we are to look out for. The ability to do this sometimes is not that easy.

For your story, The Next Time, I was only able to tell who the characters are, but where is the hook? Where is the plot? The summary is only talking about a mission, but this 'mission' does not have a purpose the characters need to fulfill. Try to broaden the task they are going for. I know nothing about the mission, so it's hard to tell what this story is about.

Give us reasons for the us (the readers) to root for them. Why are they going for the mission? Is there a deadline? What are they to look out for (the stakes)? What is this mission all about? I'm aware of the lost communication this unnamed society has, but is that just . . . it?

You mentioned four characters in your summary: Larissa, Alex, Heather, and Ian. However, I'm not satisfied with Heather's description, "Spoilt brat." You could've added another adjective that would justify the character's personality. If this character has a job (maybe a doctor, politician, accountant, lawyer, whichever), you can simply add that. I'm only wondering why the leaders picked Heather since, in the summary, this character does not appear quite 'useful'. It's not like they're friends or anything. These four were picked because they are capable, right? But is Heather . . . capable?

The reason why this summary falls below average (my rating) is because I was lost for several reasons, most especially the plot and grammar — we'll get back to that later.

Grammar: 2.5/5

The first paragraph of the first chapter kicked me out:

"The functions of assassin and mean girl extraordinary at the high school are perfectly combinable. Especially when you're called Larissa Thames, you're 18 years old and you have a very special goal."

I am not sure of what this means. For the word 'extraordinary', I think you mean 'extraordinaire' (correct me if I'm wrong). I believe there are run-on sentences here, which is making this paragraph very difficult for me to understand. The last sentence, "Especially when . . . " It's okay to start sentences with the word 'especially' if you know how to use it, but your sentence sounds and reads as though it is incomplete. That whole paragraph should be rephrased entirely.

That isn't the only part that needs rephrasing, but let me move on to another issue on the grammar.

Aside from the occasional comma splices and sentence phrasings, you have no problem.

Tip: when quoting, always italicize; this will make the readers know the quoted sentence, so we won't mix it up with the others.

In the second chapter, Pink, I noticed you wrote:

"The I start giggling."

I'm sure you meant: "Then I start giggling."

You clearly know how to use dialogue tags and its punctuations, so I'd say you aced it. However, I'm aware of the usage of dialogue tags before the dialogue (I have no problem with that), but using the colon every time is repetitive. Try switching the tags to before or after the dialogues — you can even try adding the tags in the middle of the dialogue (if you know how, that is).

Once you write a chapter, read and re-read it — maybe aloud — and you'll notice the flow breaking, which you need to amend.

Character Building: 1.5/5

Larissa Thames is not a character I understand. First, not only is her description cliché, but it also sounds cliché.

"Especially when you're called Larissa Thames, you're 18 years old and you have a specific goal.

That's me."

Isn't her name not Larissa? So why is she saying it like it's a name given to her by her bullies? And for 'specific goal', it threw me off as soon as I saw it. This introduction of the character is not good. There are many ways you can introduce her without making it sound as if she's in an interview. Remember, the character is meant to flow as we read.

Perhaps try inserting her name in dialogues. If you want her age known, which I suggest not mentioning at all, you can add that, too.

You can weave that at the time she was having a conversation with Mr. Jordan. For example:

"Mr. Jordan, you got a team yet?"

A sigh.

"For the billionth time, Larissa, no. And you, or your son, have no chance to be in it."

If you feel you don't want to add it in any dialogue. Perhaps try in the narration:

"And he just stops talking. I have to gain my self-control from just going over, hold a knife, and force him to talk. For I, Larissa Thames, doesn't take no for an answer."

If you also think you don't need her mentioning her name in the narration, you can simply add 'Larissa's POV' before the narration (at the top of the chapter), but I think it is not needed since we're only going to be in her point of view throughout the story.

Another thing I find disturbing is that Larissa is not realistic. Yes, she's the mean girl, so . . . Fine! I agree. However, rather than worry about a character being realistic, worry about the character being BELIEVABLE. Let there be a reason for every character's trait and action. To me, Larissa is just grumpy for no reason — and I'm stuck whether to be on her side or against her. Make a character that the readers will root for; someone we'll love or hate.

Writing Style: 1.5/5

I find the use of descriptions in The Next Time unappealing. It was lacking and I wasn't sucked into the story. There are some parts that made me wondering. In the second chapter, Pink, the narrator, Larissa, mentions: "The electric lights behind me flash in variable colors and don't help me either."

Electric lights behind? Flash? Variable colors? I'm don't really understand that sentence, especially mentioning 'variable colors'. These words would be better: electric sparks, metallic blue, buzz, zapping, and many others.

You should also work on your paragraph length. It's not too long — or long at all. I think all the paragraphs are short. This makes your work look chunky and as if your story is missing a lot of details. There should be a balance; write a short one, (not too) long paragraph (for Wattpad's sake), and short one (again). It is not necessary to follow that order, but make sure there is a balance. I noticed this in the second chapter, but the fourth one, Black, is fine.

Plot + Originality: 2/5

I'm not sure of what this plot is all about, so I'm not going to dwell on it.

I don't know if you've figured out your plot yet, because I see the characters are just parading until something happens. Fortunately, something about the death of General Omen. I'm guessing this is where the story actually begins; the whole purpose of the quest. The first two chapters should be scrapped because they don't move the plot. They only drag the story — and make it slow. This is your decision, and I respect that. You have only a few chapters up, so you ONLY know the progress of your story.

OVERALL SCORE: 9.5/25

I'm not pleased about the turnout of the story. I suggest you work more on the character building and your style. Make an outline of your work; know where its driving. If you need any help, you can sure let me know! There is nothing editing can't fix, so I believe your story has potential. I hope this review helps! Good luck!