----------&---------

Jonny takes my hand as he helps me out of the car, before helping his Grandmother out.

"They certainly gave it a good style," she continues her hair ramble

"Please keep talking about your hair," Adam mutters

"Until we die,"

"I must admit, I do like a curl! Don't you dolly?" she looks over at me

"Um, yeah," I look down where my loose waves finish.

"I've just died," Jonny whispers to me and I giggle

"To be honest, Andre is so good with his hands. I'd let him do whatever he wants to me,"

"And that's why she's now pregnant," I tense up at the word coming from Jonny's mouth

"What?"

"We're home now Nellie," I explain as Martin opens the door, shirtless and typing away on his calculator.

"Hello?" Adam starts

"Oh, hello Bambinos, Chica," he greets and stays still as me and the boys have to duck under his arm whilst he mutters numbers.

"Hello Martin," Grandma accidently kisses his chest and I grimace.

Martin continues muttering away, walking out of the hallway

"Warm welcome," Jonny passes me the flowers whilst he takes his coat off

"I think I just swallowed a chest hair" Nellie complains as I pass her the same flowers.

"Jon Jon, have you ever thought about getting a perm?"

"um no, not really Grandma,"

"That's a shame, I think you'd look very pretty," I laugh slightly, hanging my own coat up and grabbing Jonny's hand.

"Wouldn't he?!" Adam goes to kiss Jonny but he licks his hand "Ew!"

"Now, let me show you, what they did," Grandma continues and I groan quietly, going into the bathroom. Less than a minute later, Martin shouts through the door

"Lizzie, can you remember something for me?"

"Um, I'm kind of on the loo,"

"Can you remember it?"

"Okay, what?"

"26, 243,"

"Okay, and instantly forgotten!"

"Bleedin' moron," he storms away and I continue.

When I exit the toilet, everyone is moving to the living room "you okay?" Jonny asks and I smile

"Yeah," I follow him through.

"Martin, could you get me a drink?" Jackie asks

"Gin and tonic?"

"No,"

"Oh no that's for when you're..."

"Depressed," everyone but Jackie and Grandma chorus - including me.

"I brought you all some bubbly!" Grandma takes a large bottle out of her handbag and everyone thanks her "bubble! Bubble! Bubble!" she says happily and Jackie makes Adam get some glasses.

"I'll come," I offer, going into the kitchen to get some water.

"You not drinking?" Adam asks as he takes out the glasses

"Na, water for me," I raise the glass before filling it up.

"Really? You usually drink the most,"

"Thanks Adam," I say sarcastically, taking a few small sips of water as he goes back inside. I knew someone was going to notice something at some point, but if they ask, I haven't got an answer.

I walk back into the living room and sit next to Jonny as Adam sits on the arm of the sofa.

"I've actually got some news," Grandma announces

"Okay?"

"Definitely pregnant," Jonny whispers to me and I tense yet again, he gives me a confused look that I shrug off. Jonny raises an eyebrow before putting his hand on my thigh.

"It's quite big,"

"What is it?" Jackie asks her mother

"I'm in love," Martin starts laughing and I snort in shock

"Martin! Lizzie!" Jackie scolds

"Sorry,"

"In Love?"

"With a man!"

"Andre?" I whisper to the boys

"Or a tramp," Adam responds

"Wow, that's um...great. Really great mum, you deserve to be happy,"

"Thank you dolly,"

"Yeah, especially after that horrible man you brought 'round,"

"You mean Lou, Lou Morris?"

"Yes!" Jackie remembers "Mr Morris..."

"God, Mr Morris,"

"The angriest man in the world,"

"Now he was a bleedin' loony!" Martin adds

"Off his fucking head," I continue

"He was not a loony!"

"Well he drove into the front door," Adam starts

"Chased me 'round the bloody house,"

"With his tits hanging out!" Jonny adds and I laugh loudly

"Jon Jon!" Grandma shouts as I try to stop laughing my leaning my head on Jonny's shoulder "Tell them Jackie"

"Mum, he was still married when he was seeing you,"

"Actually, his wife died not long ago. She was nighty-four,"

"Poison was it?" Adam asks and we all laugh; Grandma doesn't look happy

"Sorry mum. But the good thing is that you've met someone you really like,"

"Yeah," Jonny tells her

"Yeah," Adam agrees and I nod

"Who is it?"

"Well actually, I invited him 'round for dinner," me and the boys groan.

"Really?"

"So, who is this chap then?" Martin asks

"Mr Morris,"

----------&----------

"Oh yes, it really is wonderful to be back in your delightful home with hour equally delightful family," Mr Morris kisses Jackie's hand.

"Well it's..."

"Hideous," Jonny suggests

"Lovey, to see you too,"

"Oh and uh..." he reaches into his pocket "I've brought you something,"

"Condoms," Adam 'coughs' and I snort.

"Here," he passes her a bit of paper

"What is it?"

"It's a photo of me as a youth,"

"Isn't it wonderful?" Grandma pipes up.

"Yes..." Jackie stares down at it with distaste.

"You see, I was a good looking man. Much better looking than those two," he looks to Jonny and Adam "Ew!"

"Thank you,"

"Yes, thank you,"

"Lovely... I'll put it -"

"Why don't you try it on the mantel piece, or in a frame,"

"Or the incinerator," Martin mumbles

"Um..." Jackie stares, clearly not wanting it anywhere

"Silly woman!" he grabs it from her and looks around before looking above me and Jonny "there!" he points and we turn around, looking at a framed photo of Christmas, My head In Jonny's lap whist he played with my hair and Adam opened his Christmas jumper "in that frame," he walks up to us and I lean into Jonny as Mr Morris leans over me to pal it over the frame, it just barley staying leant against it considering it was a thick frame.

"That was - "

"Horrifying,"

"Traumatising," both me and Jonny suggest

"Easy," he goes to sit next to Grandma "I was a handsome young man. A real Beau Brummell, I was," he looks over to Grandma "What was I Nellie?"

"A real Beau Brummell," she responds instantly, looking slightly afraid. After a short conversation about whoever Beau Brummell was, Martin brings up Mr Morris' dead wife.

"Well, what can you do? It happens to the best of us. I mean, your boys will be dead in..." he pints to Adam "him sixty years,"

"Good to know,"

"And him sixty-five,"

"Thank you," Jonny says sarcastically rolling his eyes when he looks to me

"Eh!" Mr Morris them points to me "She'll out live you all, maybe 70 years left,"

"Great...Let's hope you only have 5 minutes left," Jonny snorts and I smirk as we watch Mr Morris stand up with a piece of paper, struggling to read it.

"I would like to formally apologise to the entire Goodman family- Including Lizzie - What sort of name is Lizzie? Elizabeth is much better," he complains and I smile sarcastically at him "for the..." he looks to Nellie "I can't read your bloody writing,"

"Sincere then," I mumble to Jonny and Adam

"Oh yeah, really awful behaviours I exhibited when I last came to your lovely house," he turns the paper around "done!" he sits down

"Isn't that nice of Lou," Nelly tells us

"Very moving," Adam notes

"I can't remember what I did, but I hear it wasn't appreciated,"

"Well you called us a bunch of penises,"

"Martin," Jackie warns

"I called you a bunch of penises. Well, I should wash my mouth out with soap and water,"

"Um, the bathroom's just down there," Jonny points and I laugh

"But thank god I'm a completely changed man, and it's all thanks to your wonderful grandma. Look!" he then grabs her, starting to snog her rather intensely "Raw passion that is,"

"I''ll go get some new batteries," Martin goes to stand but Jackie stops him

"I think we've run out,"

"Oh, excuse me everyone," Nellie stands "I must spend a penny," Jackie follows he and I assume she's going to ask her about Mr Morris.

"I'm going to make a cuppa," I tell Jonny, starting to stand

"Tea?!" Mr Morris says outragedly, before calming "oh, you're a woman, most can't handle a man's drink like coffee!"

"Sorry?" I ask, looking down at him as Jonny goes to deffend me,

"I mean, I don't really like e coffee,"

"You don't...?!" he starts, then storms out and we follow, watching as he gets in his car and starts screaming.

"Apparently he really likes coffee," Adam starts, watching with me, Jonny and Martin.

"What happened?" Jackie asks when her and Nellie join us

"All I said was, I didn't really like coffee,"

"It's just a bit of fun!" Nellie tells us happily as we all stare in horror.

---------&--------

We're all sat at dinner, happily eating in silence until Mr Morris speaks up "ah yes, very lovely my dear,"

"Thank you," Jackie smiles

"Although, not as tasty as your mother," him and Nellie laugh before going in for another kiss.

"Oh god," Adam mutters

"So, I never got to ask. How long have you two been back together?" Jackie asks the two

"Oh, not to long," Nellie responds as Mr Morris says six months.

"Six months?" we all ask in disbelief

"Six months, you never said it was -"

"Yes, six months. Six erotic months!" They kiss again

"Mum, I don't want anymore," Jonny pushes his plate away and I grab an uneaten potato off it.

"Nor I," Adam agrees

"Oh, I'll have some," Martin reaches over and I slap his hands away, grabbing what I want from Jonny and Adam's plates "Oi!"

"You always get the scraps!" I tell him in complaint

"I'm their father!" he defends

"And I'm Jonny's girlfriend!" I put a whole potato in my mouth and chew it, keeping eye contact as Martin grumbles.

"Children," Jackie complains to Jonny and Adam who're laughing at me shouting at their father.

"I wouldn't eat anymore, you look like you're already eating for two," Me Morris says, side eyeing me.

"Sorry?"

"Young women shouldn't eat that much, keep your figure. You wouldn't want people thinking you're pregnant before marriage," I stare him down, keeping eye contact.

"Jonny, can I speak with you?"

"Sure..." he gets up and I take my plate with me, shoving food in my mouth as I go, watching Mr Morris.

"You good?" Jonny asks as I walk into the kitchen, putting my plate down.

"Oh yeah,"

"This hasn't got anything to do with... are you preg-?"

"Have you still got that lighter?" I ask quickly

"What?"

"The lighter we bought for the candles and letft in your coat because we keep forgetting about it,"

"Um, I think so," I nod, walking out to his coat, taking the object out before going to the living room, picking up Mr Morris' picture "what're you doing?" Jonny asks in shock when I walk back into the kitchen and out the backdoor.

"Setting fire to Mr Morris," I raise the photo and light it up as Jonny laughs.

"You're insane," he watches as I wait for the fire to barley touch my fingers, then drop it "It's kind of hot," Jonny looks me up and down and I smirk.

"Kinda hot? I'm wearing pink whilst setting fire to shit, never felt more powerful and attractive,".

----------&----------

When we go back into the hallway, Jackie is rushing up the stairs, Adam slowly following "What happened?" Jonny asks confused as his father walks into the kitchen.

"Mr Morris just proposed," both Jonny and I stare in shock.

"What?!"

"He just proposed," Adam repeated, also shocked "where were you two?"

"Setting fire to that photo," Adam starts laughing and Jackie desperately calls for him at the top of the stairs

"Oh, and Jim's collecting for charity in a dog costume witch he's attached a cock to,"

"What?!"

----------&----------

"Is mum alright?" Adam asks as we stand on the landing, Martin waves the empty glass which once held Gin and we nod.

"Oh dear," Jonny sighs

"What are we gonna do about pocket Hiker?"

"Drown him in the bath,"

"Drown him in the sink,"

"Drown him in the loo," I suggest and both brothers point to me in agreement that it's the best option.

"I'll hold his head down," Jackie comes out of her bedroom.

"Oh, there you are!" Mr Morris shouts up the stairs and I jump in surprise, falling into Jonny and he wraps an arm around me "Come on! I'm taking you all out!"

"Out?"

"Yes! It's a celebration!" he shouts downstairs "Hurry up Nelly!"

"It's okay Mr Morris, we haven't finished our dinner yet," Martin says

"Nonsense! I will not have my beautiful daughter, slaving over the hot dishes on this night!" I look up at Jonny with wide eyes and we both have to hold back a laugh.

"Daughter?"

"Now, I'm taking you all out for a bit of fun! Somewhere special,"

"Favourite brothel?" Jonny mutters to Adam and we all smirk.

"But don't worry, the drinks are on me! You can have whatever you want!" He starts to walk downstairs but then looks back up at us "Up to the value of four pounds fifty per-head!"

"Generous,"

----------&----------

I'm stood by Martin and Jackie as Adam and Jonny put their bowling shoes on, they walk over and I sigh, trying to look at what Martin was typing in his calculator "Lovely damp bowling shoes?" I ask.

"Instant verrucas," Jonny adds.

"But him mum!" Jackie exclaims, pointing to where Mr Morris was fighting with an employee over his bowling shoes.

"Oh, stop it Jackie! It's Just someone to be with! It's just...It's company"

"Mum, a cat is company,"

"Yes, but a cat can't do the same things to a woman as a man can,"

"Ew," I mutter

"Well...It can do some of the things,"

"Disgusting," I tell my boyfriend as everyone else stares at him.

"Toilet?" he asks his brother

"Toilet," they walk off and I sigh.

"I'm going to go stare at a vending machine for five minutes," I tell Jackie before also walking off.

----------&----------

"What did he say in there?" Jackie asks the boys; I'm awkwardly sat on Jonny's lap since there's no room anywhere else.

"He didn't really say anything it was more of -"

"An angry piss," Jonny concludes

"A very angry piss," Adam agrees

"A what?!"

"Yeah, I've had one of those," Martin nods

"Same, honestly," I point lightly before Mr Morris comes over, telling us he's going to take his turn, and to make sure no men look at Nelly.

"Maybe you should talk to Grandma," Jackie tells the boys

"No way!"

"Right then, maybe talk to Mr Morris,"

"And say what? 'We hate you',"

"'Please die',"

"Maybe don't say please," Martin mutters

"Well, someone has to do something!" Jackie sighs "Lizzie -"

"No!" I interrupt "What would I say to him?! 'I know you practically called me fat and you hate me, but calm the fuck down',"

"Lizzie's right, that'd be a disaster," Adam nods "Why can't dad talk to him?"

"Because you know your father can't talk to people,"

"I can't talk to people..." Martin shakes his head

"Er, should he be doing that?" Jonny points to where Mr Morris is walking down the lane, stopping 2 metres at most in front of the pins.

"That is quite near,"

"Impossible to miss?" Jonny and I watch as he releases the ball sideways and it miss "Possible to miss!"

"Bad luck Lou,"

"Oh!" I get off Jonny's lap "That reminds me, I need a wee,"

"Thanks for telling us,"

"You're welcome""

----------&----------

When I come back after a rather long time in the toilet - Jonny had messaged me asking if I was hiding in there, which I was - I enter to find Jim standing by Nelly and Mr Morris. Adam was right, he had a cock attached to the costume, just hanging out.

"What are you doing here?" Adam questions as I lean by the bench him and Jonny were sat on.

"I'm in the area, collecting money -"

"Did you follow us here?" Martin asks and Jim looks very guilty

"Hm...?"

"Yeah, it's not the best time, Jim...."

"Yes, I know," He brings up his bucket and points to tie sad puppy on the front "No more chicken..."

"I want some chicken..." I mumble And Jonny looks up at me

"What?"

"I don't like dogs..." Mr Morris stares. But Nelly gives him a look "I mean, how wonderful, a dog!"

"Did you talk to him?" I ask Jonny and he nods.

"Thanks Jim. We'd better -"

"I like your little ding-a-ling," Nelly tells Jim and I snort

"You mean this," he grabs the cock on the front and moves it up and down "ding, ding,"

"Oh Christ,"

"Can I have a go?"

"Of course, you can,"

"Ding ding," Nelly movies it up and down.

"Nelly..." Mr Morris starts

"Um..." we all stare and I have to cover my mouth to stop from laughing

"Ding ding," Jim does it again and Nelly follows

"Ding Ding,"

"Nelly..."

"Ding ding!"

"Ding, ding, ding!"

"Oh for bleedin' shits sake!" Mr Morris stands "I've had enough of this!" he rips open his shirts and Jim stares in fear "Right, come on, Let's have you!"

"Here we go," Jonny mutters

"Round Two!" I cheer sarcastically as Mr Morris advances on Jim.

"Shit on it..." we all realise the situation isn't calming down "Shit on it! Shit on it!" Martin has to go try and stop Mr Morris who's now openly chasing Jim through the ally.

"I would go and tackle him if I wasn't sure if I was pregnant or not," I accidentally let slip and I feel Jonny and Adam staring at me, I slowly turn my head and look down at them, Jonny definitely frozen "Fuck..."