real life

FOR once, the Choi household wasn't all sunshine and butterflies. It was ugly green monsters and dark shadows, it was werewolves during a full moon and it was a mosquito sucking the blood out of a body. It was anything but good in the Choi household. Yuri felt her heart rate increase. She felt her throat grow dry and tears sting her eyes as she stands in her kitchen, arguing with her father. Her step-mother and siblings were in the background, afraid to have their say.

      "You don't understand," Yuri was saying. Her voice was straining as she tries to get her father to understand her, "you don't fucking understand."

      "Yuri," her father says harshly, "don't use that language with me."

      Yuri scoffs bitterly, "it's the only way I can get you to listen to me. I don't want to see the woman I call my mother ever again — she stopped being my mother the moment she abandoned us. My only mother is the one standing behind me, like she always will." Yuri hears a gasp and a hiccup behind her. Yuri's certain her step-mother is tearing up now.

      "Yes, Yuri, but —"

      "Dad, can we please not do this now?" Yuri was tired. She sounded tired. She felt tired. She felt as if though the world was caving in on her and there was nothing she could do about it. She couldn't escape it because she had no time left. There was only time for her to accept her fate; Choi Yuri will never ever be good enough.

      Her dad sighs, running a hand over his face. "Yuri, look, all I'm asking is for you to give your mother another chance. That's all she wants too, honey bear."

      "I'm going over to Sunghoon's," Yuri says, disregarding her father's question. She was too tired to do this, "we're watching some true crime documentaries tonight since we've finished True Beauty."

      "Will Jungwon be there?" Pipes up Hanuel who looks hopeful.

      "Maybe," Yuri answers, "why?"

      "I miss him," Hanuel mumbles.

      Once again, Yuri is left speechless. Yuri decides to not respond, she has more important things to think about; like if she'll pee her pants tonight while watching true crime documentaries with Sunghoon. Maybe she should convince him to watch Hotel Del Luna or something. Yuri's honestly happy it wasn't a horror movie Sunghoon suggested to watch. But still, watching true crime documentaries makes Yuri feel sick because she's left wondering what she could've done to save those killed.

      The bus ride over was smooth and gentle. It almost lulled Yuri to sleep, but thankfully she was able to stay awake. Yuri greets the boys' manager whose leaving their dorm as Yuri is arriving. Their manager is nice and friendly and doesn't mind Yuri staying the night — which she's done multiple times. It hasn't been too awkward because Sunghoon goes out of his way to not leave Yuri and Jungwon alone. Yuri slips off her shoes and coat and find Sunghoon sitting on the couch like usual. He's talking to Jake and Ni-ki.

      "Yuri!" Ni-ki's the first to notice the older girl, his smile is wide and welcoming.

      "Hi Ni-ki," Yuri smiles back warmly, finally feeling comfortable around the other members of ENHYPEN. They're like her second home.

      Sunghoon's smile is wide and warm and Yuri instantly melts into his waiting arms. Her head rest perfectly on his shoulder and she inhales deeply, shutting her eyes. "Hi Hoonie," she mumbles, enjoying the feeling of his arms tightly wrapped around her, anchoring her to reality.

      "My Yuri," Sunghoon says back gently. "Are you excited to watch true crime documentaries?"

      Yuri sighs and pulls out of the embrace, "I guess." Yuri then notes how quiet it was in the dorm. "Where is everyone else?"

      "They're at the studio," Sunghoon answers, "they won't be back for a while. Don't worry."

      Yuri pouts, "aww, I wanted to talk to Sunoo. I have more school gossip he would die to hear."

     Sunghoon rolls his eyes and tells Jake and Ni-ki to leave them alone. "We're going to an arcade. Ni-ki's been wanting to go to one for ages," Jake explains to Yuri, "so you and Sunghoon will have the dorm to yourselves for a bit."

      Once Jake and Ni-ki have left, Sunghoon and Yuri get comfortable on the couch. The lights were turned off and a blanket was wrapped around them both, Sunghoon making sure Yuri's tucked in well. Yuri's head rests perfectly against Sunghoon's shoulder and he presses play on the first of the many true crime documentaries they were going to watch.

      Yuri was glad to have a distraction. Her mind was always focusing on the bad parts of her day; likw how her mother tried talking to her today, like how Yuri saw Do-Yun posted a photo of herself and Jungwon on her instagram story, like how Yuri's heart was devoted to Jungwon, but she isn't sure about Jungwon's heart. If Jungwon likes Do-Yun more than Yuri, Yuri thinks she won't be able to handle the world anymore. Her heartache would go beyond the limits it's tied to.

      At some point, Yuri's hand slips into Sunghoon's hand and she grips it tightly, listening to the disgusting horrors humans have done to other humans. "How could he have done that to her?" Yuri hisses to Sunghoon, her chest heavy, thick with guilt and regret for living. Sunghoon shrugs, "his AB blood type maybe." Yuri scoffs and rolls her eyes. "What?" Sunghoon exclaims, "many psychopaths have an AB blood type. I'm being serious, Yuri, look it up if you don't believe me."

     "I believe you, Hoonie," frowns Yuri, "I guess I could use that as the excuse for my mother abandoning me."

      "Her blood type is AB?"

      Yuri hums, nodding her head, her eyes focused on the screen in front of them, "yep."

      The door to the dormitory opens and Yuri hears familiar voices flood the once quiet dorm. Neither makes a move to turn on the lights and pause the documentary because Yuri and Sunghoon know the boys won't interrupt them unless they desperately want to talk to Yuri — or Sunghoon, but it's often Yuri they want to talk to. Yuri's heart starts up, beating a beat Yuri's only familiar with whenever Jungwon's around.

      "Oh, hey Yuri," why does Jungwon always show up whenver Yuri's thinking about him? It's kinda starting to scare Yuri. Seriously, he must read her mind or something.

      "Hey," Yuri replies back.

      An awkward silence overtakes the room. "I didn't know you were coming over tonight," Jungwon says.

      "I mean I didn't tell you, so of course you didn't know."

      "I know I just —" his words die on his lips when Jungwon sees Yuri gripping Sunghoon's hand tightly. "Are you okay Yuri?"

      Yuri finally focuses on Jungwon, rather than the documentary playing out in front of her and Sunghoon, "huh? Of course I am, why are you asking?"

      "It's just that —" he gestures to Yuri's hand gripping Sunghoon's.

      "Can't I hold hands with my friends?" Yuri asks slowly, still confused.

      "You can, I just —" Jungwon sighs and shakes his head, "nevermind."

      Jungwon finally left the two of them alone. Sunghoon chuckles, "that was cute."

      Yuri huffs and releases Sunghoon's hand, running it through her hair. "What was he trying to say? Nothing confuses me more than Jungwon. Can't he just say what he's thinking?"

      "He's an Aquarius, Yuri," snorts Sunghoon, "well, at least that's what ENGENEs have been saying to explain Jungwon's behaviour."

      Yuri laughs and leans her head back against Sunghoon's shoulder. It doesn't last long though, because Sunghoon pauses the documentary and stretches his legs out in front of him, "let's take a break. Get something to eat and drink, plus I'm sure the others want to see you."

      Sunghoon wasn't wrong, because the moment Yuri steps into the kitchen, she's wrapped up in Heeseung's embrace. "Yuri! I missed you so much!" He exclaims loudly. Once more, Yuri's certain her eardrums exploded. Why did she have to befriend such loud people? Yuri thinks she has a knack for befriending people who never shut the fuck up. Sunghoon's the exception because Yuri has no idea which Sunghoon she'll get; the quiet introvert, or the loud introvert.

      "You saw me last week," giggles Yuri, melting into Heeseung's warm and happy embrace.

      "A week too long," complains Heeseung, still gripping Yuri tightly. Yuri catches Sunghoon's eye, who raises his eyebrow and grins behind the glass of water he was drinking. Yuri wants to grab Sunghoon and strangle the bitch — Yuri doesn't need a reason too, she just does. Eventually, Yuri detaches herself from Heeseung, smoothing down her crinkled t-shirt.

      "How's the true crime marathon going?" Heeseung asks, sliding back into his seat and staring at the bowl of ramen in front of him with stars in his eyes.

      "Good," Yuri shrugs, "Sunghoon breathes super loudly though, it's kinda annoying."

      Jay laughs, "I get where you're coming from Yuri, you would think Sunghoon would breathe more quietly being an introvert and all."

      Sunghoon whacks Jay, "what's that supposed to mean?"

      "Don't worry," mutters Jay, focusing on his phone.

      "I think I've satisfied my thirst, how about you, Yuri?" Sunghoon asks, dumping his cup in the sink with a loud clatter, earning a glare from Sunoo and Jungwon. Jake and Ni-ki then burst into the dormitory, their arms full of stuffed animals after spending most of their money at the claw machines.

      "Can we watch the rest of the documentary with you, Yuri?" Sunoo asks.

      Yuri shrugs, looking over at Sunghoon, "I don't mind." With those words, the boys all perk up and rush out of the kitchen, fighting over who got to sit where. Sunghoon rolls his eyes and grabs Yuri's hand, pulling her out of the kitchen after him. "Let's hope they save our spots."

      They did save Yuri and Sunghoon's spots, but their blanket was gone and taken up by Ni-ki and Heeseung, who sat on the ground where Yuri would've dangled her fucking legs if Ni-ki's body wasn't in the way. "Move," she tells Ni-ki, "I need to put my legs somewhere."

      "Can't you just curl up next to Jungwon on the couch?" Ni-ki pouts, pointing at Jungwon who sat on the other side of Yuri. Purposefully and for emphasis, Yuri buries herself into Sunghoon's side.

      "Move bitch. I put my legs where I wanna put them."

      "Put them on Jungwon's lap," whines Ni-ki, "I don't want your skinny legs digging into my back."

      Yuri mocks Ni-ki and receives a pinch in retaliation. She yelps and rubs her leg, "just move."

      Ni-ki does move, but the moment Yuri stretches her legs out, Ni-ki's pressing his back ot her legs. "Ow! Your back is so bony," Yuri whacks Ni-ki's head who doesn't pay any more attention to her. Yuri rolls her eyes, but it glad to have her feet dangling off the end of the couch and instead stuck beneath her body.

       Fingers tickle Yuri's palm a few minutes after they've all settled down and are watching the documentary. Jungwon's hand curls around Yuri's and Yuri's breath catches. She struggles to decide what she should do, but the pain in her chest is too much. Yuri pulls her hand from Jungwon's grasp.

      "Jungwon," whispers Yuri, "don't."

      "Don't what?" Jungwon whispers back and Yuri's heart clenches. The pain blooms across her chest like a medal someone recieves after surviving a war. And with surviving, comes unbearable memories that are too harsh to recount. Yuri doesn't want to recount the pain she experienced the moment Jungwon let her down; the moment Saem ruined her trust; the moment her mother abandoned her. It takes time to heal — time Yuri doesn't fucking have.

      "You know what, Jungwon," Yuri whispers harshly.

     Yuri turns to find Jungwon already studying her beneath the glow of the television light. He was absorbing Yuri like how she does when she's studying for an exam; desperately and feverishly. Jungwon wants to remember every inch of Yuri, from her face to her hands. From her hands to her heart. Jungwon reaches out and ever-so lightly touches Yuri's cheek.

      She flinches away.

      "Please," Yuri's breathless now, pushing herself futher into Sunghoon's side, eager to get away from Jungwon who is only tearing her heart into two, "don't."

You'll never guess what Yuri's doing right now as she crouches in a ball outside the girl's restroom. Like, you'll never ever guess what she's doing right now because this is something Yuri never does —

      Yeah, Yuri's crying again. For like the fifth time this week.

      The pain sears throughout Yuri's body, making her stay in the ball of warmth and comfort outside the oddly nice-smelling girl's restroom. Yuri's doing her best, she's trying to calm herself down and rid herself of the emotions she's feeling right now. Yuri has so much love hidden beneath her skin, but she can't share it. She can't share her love because what will Yuri get in return? She'll get loss and abandonment, she'll get broken promises and broken trust, she'll get let down repeatedly and betrayed.

      Yuri feels as if though she's reached her boiling point. Her mother ambushed her this morning when Yuri woke up. She found her mother and her father conversing in the kitchen with her step-mother packing her younger sibling's lunches in silence.

      "Good morning Yuri," her mother's sweet voice sounded throughout the kitchen that morning.

      Yuri turned on her heel and left the kitchen. She never returned to the kitchen. Yuri simply got changed, brushed her teeth, grabbed her school bag and hurried out the door, slamming it behind her and ignoring her father's shouts for her to come back when he opened the door after her. "Let her be, Jae-Woo," she heard her mother say, "I know my Yuri well, she'll come around eventually."

      Yuri's usually respectful to her elders, but in that moment, she's never wanted to scream at an adult more. She wants to shake some sense into her mother, make her mother realize she lost all her 'My Yuri' privileges the moment she walked out on all of them. Yuri was an iceberg cracking beneath the warm sun as she walked into school, she was a pot full of water that was being boiled for longer than it needed, she was an ice-block melting in the sun, she was a growing crack in the ground that kids usually jump over so they don't break their mother's back.

      Then, Yuri had to get out of class. She felt like she was being suffocated.

      Now, Yuri's crying outside the girl's restroom because her life is a huge mess and Yuri doesn't know how to fix it.

      Yuri allows herself time to cry to her heart's content before gripping the wall and standing up, sniffling as she wipes her tears away. Her face is probably puffy and her eyes are also probably really blood shot, but at this point Yuri doesn't care. Everyone seems to know everything about Yuri's life right now.

      "Yuri?" Why does Jungwon always seem to be around whenever Yuri is at her lowest? It's awful to Yuri. She hates letting Jungwon see her like this, it isn't pretty and it's definitely not attractive. Rubbing her eyes and sniffling one last time, Yuri raises her head and gives Jungwon a bright smile, one that she hopes matches his pretty yellow smile.

      "Jungwon, hi, I'm heading back to class —"

      "You're a mess," Jungwon says bluntly, stepping closer to Yuri.

      "Wha — I'm not a mess," Yuri defends hotly, her cheeks turning red and her heart thumping in her chest eratically.

      Jungwon rolls his eyes, "I can tell you've been crying."

      Yuri turns her head away. "I have not."

      Jungwon's hand finds its way back onto her face, turning her head to face him. His eyes are soft and concern is plastered on his face," Yuri," he says her name softly. Yuri instantly melts into Jungwon's touch, too tired to fight him off. His hug is welcoming. Yuri misses this. She misses Jungwon. Yuri's arms are around Jungwon's torso and she grips him like a lifeline.

      "Yuri, are you okay?"

      Yuri looks up at Jungwon, her heart melting.

      "Yeah, it was just something silly, you don't need to worry about me." And once again, Yuri resorts to ignorance as a way to get Jungwon away from her.

      Jungwon grips Yuri's wrist, "be honest, Yuri."

      "That was me being honest, Jungon."

      Jungwon sighs and looks around the hallway, "Yuri, let me take care of you."

      Yuri's caught off guard, "what?"

      "You need to be taken care of," Jungwon states bluntly, earning a weird look from Yuri who tries to pull away. "Stop pushing me away, Yuri, I care about you."

      "I don't need to be taken care of, Jungwon," Yuri bites back, "you're delusional."

      Instead of responding, Jungwon pulls Yuri into another hug, holding her tightly against him, his head buried into her neck. Yuri's body pulses with warmth and she finds herself relaxing into his embrace, even if her body tells her not to. Yuri wants to be back in Jungwon's warm embrace, she wants to get superglued to his side so she has an excuse not to leave him.

      "You're all I think about, Jungwon," Yuri utters out softly into the embrace that's captivated her, "it's hard not to. You're the one constant star, reminding me of the love and warmth that is given to me to protect me from the harshness of the world. You're there, in my head, even when you're not meant to be." Yuri falls quiet, squeezing her eyes shut, "it shouldn't be this hard to let go of what we had in the past. . . To let go of the idea of —"

      The school bell cuts off Yuri's words and they're immediately surrounded by students pushing their way through the crowd to get to their next class. Jungwon and Yuri don't move though. His hand is still cupping Yuri's cheek, her hands are still wrapped around his waist — they're still flush against each other, soaking up the addicting warmth of each other. "Let me take care of you," Jungwon tells Yuri, his stare worth a million lifetimes, "please."

      It was there, Yuri decides it isn't a bad idea to let Jungwon back into her guarded heart.